Jayden is sleeping so I really should be sleeping too. He seems to have his days and nights mixed up and likes to stay up all night. Sleep around here is hard to come by.
But, I just wanted to write a few of my thoughts down.
When they brought him into the room at the hospital for the first time, he was in his little hospital bassinet and screaming up a storm. We had been in this little hot room for a long time and I was so anxious to see him. I asked if it was okay if I picked him up. They said yes and as soon as I did, he snuggled into my chest and stopped crying. That is the moment I fell in love with him. Everyday that feeling grows stronger. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like my heart will burst.
I know this is cliche to say, but he was worth the wait. I would wait another two years if I had to in order to be with him. If I had gotten pregnant or if we adopted quickly, we would not have Jayden.
Things were really scary the first night. I am so grateful my Mom spent the night. As we get to know him better, things get easier. Of course we're not sleeping, but I think I am on some sort of newborn high because it doesn't really bother me. I mean, I get waves of complete exhaustion, and sometimes I do dumb things that remind me I am sleep deprived, but overall, I guess I am surprised at how little sleep I actually need!
I love that my Mom comes over after work everyday to see Jayden. It means so much to me that she loves him so much. She sent me a text five minutes after leaving the morning after she slept over that said she misses us already. One morning on her way to work she sent me a text saying she has Jayden fever. Both my parents have posted cute facebook statuses and lots of pictures. Jayden and my Dad had a special photo shoot. I will share those pictures in my next post! Their love and excitement reminds me that the long wait was just as hard on them as it was on us.
I have so many thoughts and feelings about Jayden's first Mom, but I have decided not to write about them here. I plan on doing it with pen and paper and putting it away somewhere special. I will just say that there is a very special place in my heart for her and I am thinking of her everyday. I wish we had a chance to meet. I will be sending letters and pictures every month to the agency that she can choose to receive at anytime. I have also said if she ever wants more contact than that, I would love to arrange something.
I am amazed at what a good father Adam is. He had never even held a baby before Jayden. He is an expert at diaper changes. Jayden HATES having his diaper changed and always screams, but Adam stays cool and gets in done a whole lot quicker than I do. Everytime he looks at Jayden, I can see the love in his eyes. Sometimes when we finally get Jayden to sleep and should be sleeping ourselves, we lay in bed talking about all the things we love about him.
To those of you who sent gifts, you all made me cry. Your kindness will always be remembered. Getting packages in the mail has been so much fun and as we open them, I tell Adam and my parents all about each of you. They have loved hearing about all your stories. We have had so much fun reading all the beautiful messages on Baby Shower for Lisa! that I have decided to make it into a book. Someday Jayden can see how loved he was by people all across the country with big hearts. I am working on writing an individual thank you to each of you. It's taking longer than I would like, but I will get there. I appreciate all of your friendship so much.
Adam is on the verge of grounding me if I don't get off the computer and eat some dinner. Somehow eating and sleeping just don't seem important to me anymore! It's been nice being able to blog for a short time though. Oh, and it may take me a while, but I will be back to blog reading before you know it! (I hope. I miss you guys!!!)
It's been one week with my baby boy. I love him so much.
I woke up this morning feeling a little nervous that maybe something had changed overnight.
But, as the day went on, and we received no phone call, I started to relax and let myself believe this is really happening!
We have done a lot of shopping....and cleaning....and hoping that this is finally it....
The baby's bed is all set up next to ours.
Going home outfit is washed and packed.
We have clothes, diapers, formula, bottles...everything all ready to be used. (It looks like a baby store exploded all over the house.)
Here is the plan:
8 AM- Call the pediatrician.
9AM- Call the agency to confirm all the hospital paperwork was faxed to them.
9:30 AM- Go to the bank to get ceritified check for full placement fee amount. Yikes.
10ish AM- Head to agency to start filling out paperwork.
After hours of paperwork torture....go to the hospital to pick baby up!!!
I am glad we got our baby registry started now because it took a full two hours and we really don't have a lot on the list. There is so much to decide! As you are looking at everything, you are desperate not to make a bad decision and register for a product that may hurt your baby. Or may not provide optimal brain development. Or just may not be a good product.
When you register for your wedding, it's a lot easier. You see something you like, you scan it.
The bottle decisions alone took about 7 hours to finalize. We had to decide in the store which brand to use, and then after talking to a lot of people after, we made decisions on how many of each size, which extra nipples we will need, etc. (By the way, bottles are surprisingly expensive. We bought 4 in the store, plus a bottle brush, and I was shocked how much it came to.)
For someone who has been dealing with infertility for seven and a half years, just walking into a baby store makes me you feel like an alarm is going to go off and security is going to come and tell you that you are a fraud and need to leave.
I was actually having anxiety as I sat in the chair in the registry area. Like I was doing something wrong.
When she asked me for my due date and I explained it was an adoption so I don't have a due date, she gave me a blank stare. Then she said, "Okay, when will you get the baby?" I said it could be tomorrow, or it could be months from now. Blank stare. I suggested we use a random date. I ended up choosing January 1, 2011. But then it really upset me to see 2011 on the paper. I know it's just a random date that means nothing, but it upset me. I really don't plan on still being waiting when 2011 hits.
When I got home, I went online and checked to see if I could change the date. I made it Decemeber 25, 2010 instead. Somehow that made me feel a little better. Although it really was a blaring reminder of the hardest part of the past two years- not knowing when it will happen. What I wouldn't give for a crystal ball.
Trust me, nobody wants to know the date it will happen more then me.
It bothers me that the computer program they use requires a date. Couldn't they have added in an adoption option in the program? That would not have been hard to do. I know I am not the only one who has come in there in my situation.
While they are at it, they could make up a few adoption gift bags to give people when they come in. Ones that don't include breast feeding guide books and the magazine Fit Pregnancy. It also had something called a Belly Bar. It says "moms-to-be need extra nutrients." I am guessing they aren't talking about me.
While we were there I was extra careful to not even gaze in the direction of anything for pregnant women. Like breast pumps, heartbeat monitors, or things you can use to play music for your baby in the womb. I felt like if I was caught looking at them someone would come over and say they are not for me.
I know I am more anxious than the average person, but I am guessing that other waiting adoptive parents can relate to at least some of these feelings.
I am also very shy about sharing my registry. I am afraid there is something on the list that screams out that I don't know what I am doing. I think that comes from the general feeling of being judged over the past two years. So far nobody that has seen our profile has chosen us to be parents. I feel a lot of extra pressure to prove I will be a good mother.
I thought registering would just be something fun to do. I was not prepared for all the emotions that came with it. I am definitely glad we got it started though. One less thing to worry about later. And now we have some bottles to get us started. I keep taking them out of their box and looking at them. I can't wait to use them.
It's time to say good-bye to the Summer of Suck and hello to Autumn of Hope.
I have not bought anything, other than small garage sale items, for the baby in a very long time. But, this week I bought a Moby wrap sling. I have had it picked out for two years, but finally bought it this week. I was thinking about how once our baby comes home, I will not have a lot of time with just baby before adding other kids into the mix and needed to be prepared for some baby wearing pretty quick.
It got me thinking about making a baby registry. Many people who wait a long time at our agency end up having placements with very little notice. I do not want to regret not having a registry set up.
So....my Mom and I are going to Buy Buy Baby tomorrow to start a registry!!
I am all about the hope lately.
I've decided enough bad stuff has happened and now it's time for the good.
I could really use your help, so please leave any registry advice you may have in the comments section. Thank you!!
My name is Lisa and I live with my husband, our three cats, two guinea pigs, and our baby boy.
After almost 8 years of trying to start a family- surgeries, infertility treatments, endometrial cancer, a radical hysterectomy, and a two year adoption wait- we finally brought Jay home in 2010.
I used to run a before and after school program for school-age children, but now I work from home so I can be with Jayden. I watch kids part time in our home and have an Etsy shop- So Much To Celebrate - that keeps me busy.