The Upside of a Long Wait

There are many positive things that have come from having a long adoption wait.

(Yeah, I am just as surprised as the rest of you that I am writing this post.)

The first thing is blogging. I would never have started blogging without this wait. Blogging has given me a healthy outlet for my feelings that I used to keep bottled up. Not only has it allowed me to express myself, but it has given me an amazing support system as well. I have met friends I never would have met and I am so thankful to have them. It also lead to blog reading.

I have learned a lot from blog reading. I almost feel as though two years is the amount of time everyone should take to really read and think about adoption before actually adopting. I have come so far from the start of my journey. I have learned so much and my feelings and attitudes have changed so much over time. Just looking at our grids shows how far we have come. Things we would have never been open to in the beginning are not even factors anymore.

This time has strengthened our marriage. I know that if we can get through this, we can get through anything. Many difficult decisions have needed to be made over the last two years and I think we are better prepared to parent as a team because of them.

This wait has also given me time to grieve my infertility. I thought I was "over it" when I began the adoption process. We hadn't done any kind of fertility treatment for a long time and things were kind of in a numb holding pattern. We eventually came to the conclusion that we should begin the adoption process. But in between there wasn't any dealing with the fact that I had those fertility issues. The hysterectomy surgery forced those fertility issues back into my reality. I could no longer think that maybe we would try again after adopting once. If it weren't for the long wait, I don't think I would have grieved the loss of my fertility as thoroughly as I have. I had more issues leftover than I realized.

The wait has also allowed us to buy baby things over time. Buying all new baby stuff is for suckers, haha. There are so many garage sale and craigslist deals that you can get if you look over time. The only new things we have bought are the crib, the pack-n-play, and the car seat. Everything else is used and we have a very full nursery. Baby swing, jumperoo, bouncy seat, toy box, play mat, baby bath, bumbo seat....it's all used, but looks new. We even have a whole dresser full of clothes that look new, but came from garage sales. Most of them were $1. Some of them still have tags on them.

I am definitely not saying I would like my wait to last any longer, but I can admit there are things I have gained from a long wait.

And in case the universe is listening to me right now...... I AM READY TO BE A MOM NOW!!!!

Random Friday Morning Thoughts

I made some blog changes. I no longer have the dark background...is this better? It seems really bright to me, but I think I just need to get used to it. Thank you for the advice!!

I have been neglecting blog writing and reading this week because I have been consumed with health care reform and all the things going on in our country right now. I'm not going to write about that now because I have been writing about it constantly for the past few days, just not on here.

I've been thinking a lot about all the ladies doing IVF right now. My fingers are crossed for all of them. I came across someone recently who had negative thoughts on IVF and like a lot of things I have heard from people lately, it just shocked me that someone who doesn't know anything about a topic could be against it. Everyone that I know who has done IVF did not come to the decision lightly. IVF is no walk in the park. The injections, the hormones, the money, the procedures, the pain, the bedrest, the waiting, the intense emotional roller coaster. Certainly if that person had any idea what these women go through, she would be giving them a medal, not criticism. Speaking of which, go over to Ready To Be A Mom and wish Holly luck because this weekend she is finally getting an answer to her big question. I have been hoping, hoping, hoping for good news for her.

On Wednesday it was the two year anniversary of our first meeting at our adoption agency. I jokingly sent an e-mail to our family advocate saying happy anniversary. I said I was just checking in and asked her if there was any good news to share.

We have gotten most of our calls about profiling opportunities on Fridays, so I am always a little extra jumpy about the phone ringing on a Friday. And throughout the day I am usually thinking about how I wish the agency would call. I could really use some hope right about now. Today makes 20 months that we have been "home-study ready" and waiting.

My brother and sister in law are in town from Portland, Oregon. I had breakfast with my sister in law yesterday, which was really nice. I still haven't seen my brother because he is really in town for work so he's been busy working. I will finally be seeing him tonight and I am really looking forward to it. It's going to be a lot of fun. Adam's long hours at work are finally over, so he will even be able to join all of us. It's going to be a great weekend.

18 Months

Today makes 18 months that we have been "home study ready" and waiting to adopt.

A full year and a half.

I never thought we would still be waiting at this point.

I have been sick with some sort of stomach virus this week. It's really hard to have a job you can never call in sick to.

I am still not sleeping well. Ever since the surgery I have had problems with insomnia. I bet if I could afford therapy they would find I have a lot of unresolved feelings about my surgery.

It's just been a really hard week and it's only Tuesday.

We are still waiting to hear what happened with our profile being sent to an expectant mother in Indiana. It's been two weeks so I am not feeling very hopeful about it at this point. Although sometimes it does take this long.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate waiting?

Middle Of The Night Panic

I had my first middle of the night "what the hell was I thinking, I can't believe I let them take my uterus and ovaries without a fight, now it's just in the hands of strangers choosing us which will never happen and we'll never be parents" panic moment.

At 1:30 in the morning I was all of a sudden convinced letting them take my uterus was my worst decision ever. That I should have thought about it longer. That I should have tried alternatives. The logical part of my brain was telling me I should just go back to sleep and that I would feel better about it in the morning. I finally gave in to the logic, and I did feel better about it in the morning.

I am sure there are many more of those moments to come. The physical part of the recovery has been dominating everything so far. I have a feeling I am going to be dealing with the emotional pain far longer than the physical pain I am feeling now.

Dear Uterus

Dear Uterus,

Message received. I hear you loud and clear. Trust me, the feeling is mutual. I hate you too.

I should have known you were trouble from the time I got my first period at age 11. I was home baby-sitting my little sister and brother all day. With no way of calling my mom to get advice on what to do. It also happened to be the day of my mom's surprise birthday party. So not only was I baby-sitting, but I was cleaning and decorating, and letting guests in to wait for the big surprise. I should have known by that timing just how mean you were.

I fought for you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. When I lost half of all the blood in my body, I begged to keep you. Even though you were on the verge of killing me.

I've had surgeries and procedures and taken hormones that made me sick for years.

The only thing I asked from you in return was a baby. Was that so much to ask? It's your only job!

I've given you plenty of chances and you have done nothing but try and kill me over and over again.

Endometrial cancer? Really? That's a low blow. After all I have done for you.

You know what?

I am going to let them take you now.

I am breaking up with you.

I am too good for you anyway.

Sincerely,

Lisa

P.S. You suck.

This Wasn't Supposed To Happen

I had a plan. I was taking a break from everything fertility. I had three normal biopsies in a row. I had an IUD put in that was supposed to be a treatment for abnormal cell growth. Everything was supposed to be fine. My doctor said she wanted me to have another biopsy in a year just to be safe. Nothing to worry about, right?

Meanwhile, my uterus was plotting against me.

They already know from the biopsy that the cells are back and they are worse than ever. They have crossed over from being annoying and hard to get rid of to being dangerous. There are a couple different ways things can go after the surgery on Tuesday and none of them are good.

At the very least I will be on hormones to kill the cells. I have done this before and can do it again, but it's not fun. There are a list of side effects and I get them all. I am sick and pale when I am on them. My mom can look at pictures and pick out which ones were taken while I was on it.

Worst case scenerio is that the oncologist decides I need to have a hysterectomy. Not exactly what a 31 yr old who has never had children wants to hear.

I am trying to slowly come to terms with the fact that I am probably never going to be pregnant. A lot of people come to terms with this before they begin the adoption process, but my situation was a little different. I always thought we would begin with adoption and then have a mix of adopted and biological children. At 31, I am not ready to just close the door on that possibility.

Doctor Appointment

I was a grown up and went to my appointment today.

Which was a good thing because my doctor found the problem and I should be doing better within the next couple weeks.

Ever since I stopped fertility meds, I have to be on some kind of hormone at all times or else I bleed to my death. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true. My body will just keep bleeding until I have no blood left. One time it got the point where I lost half of all the blood in my entire body. So, now I am always on something.

For a while it was two birth control pills a day. But, even with that I still had bleeding and cramps every day. For two years. Every day.

I finally got a new doctor who put in an IUD and it worked. I had no bleeding and no cramping until recently when I started bleeding again.

Today when she came in the room she said, "Well, it worked for over a year. That is impressive for you." I agreed. It was nice to have a break from it all. We talked a little about what else we could try next. I was already preparing myself for years of daily bleeding again.

But guess what....

We didn't have to try anything new because it turns out my IUD had become detached and that was causing the problem! She took it out and put in a new one!! Yay.

I had to have a biopsy while I was there because I have a history of abnormal cell growth. It was really painful and I was cramping all afternoon, but now I am feeling better and happy it's over with. Breathing a huge sigh of relief.

I just want to take a moment and thank everyone for their support. You are awesome. It really made a difference. I was sitting in the waiting room surrounded by magazines about babies and pregnant women, pictures of babies and pregnant women, and actual pregnant women. I had tears in my eyes and felt like a crazy person, but I kept thinking of so many of my twitter friends who have talked about how hard all of those things are for them. Made me feel less crazy. Thank you.

I don't want to go. You can't make me.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow.

I am freaking out about it.

I have been bleeding for over two months straight. I know I need to go in and find out why.

But, seriously, I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there should be a pause button on my uterus. I am not using it right now. Can't I just put it on pause until I want to try again to get pregnant? My focus has been completely on adoption. No fertility worries. Apparently, my uterus did not get the memo.

The appointment tomorrow will bring me right out of my adoption frame of mind and put me back into the fertility hell. I am really scared. I don't want to find out what strange thing is wrong this time. Or even worse, have them tell me they have no idea why it's happening.

I am so uncomfortable with these appointments. I know nobody is comfortable there, but I get really freaked out about it. It's so awkward and embarrassing. And as soon as I walk into the office, it brings me right back to all the times I have left there crying because I was given bad news or I was in pain from another procedure or biopsy.

I really, really don't want to go. I feel like a two year old on the verge of a major meltdown. Can't I just kick my feet and stomp and yell and refuse to go?

Poked, Prodded, and Violated

Someone I follow on twitter was talking about a procedure she needed to have done in order for her doctor to sign off on her homestudy physical and she said, "...feeling violated, but you gotta do what you gotta do." That really hit home with me because that's what I have been living for 7 years. First with fertility treatments and now with the adoption process.

Trying to get pregnant was one disaster after another for me. It started with going off of birth control a few months before we got married. My body decided to revolt by growing polyps and abnormal cells and bleeding for two months straight. That was just the beginning.

I was always really shy about being examined. I remember when my gynecologist sent me to a fertility specialist I was upset that I would have to have "that" exam by another person. Little did I know within the next couple years I would be seen by so many different doctors I would lose count. Ten? Twenty? I really don't even remember. I also lost count of how many procedures I have had done. Biopsies, internal ultrasounds...it all became common.

I had to have three surgeries to remove polyps and abnormal cells. When I woke up from the first one, my bed was shaking and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Someone came running over and put a bunch of warm blankets on me and that's when I realized it was *me* shaking. The next surgery I woke up to someone yelling at me to breathe. I was tired and just wanted them to go away. I was apparently too tired to breathe. They needed to wake me up enough for me to start breathing again. I think they gave me too much anesthesia that time.

You know what really creeps me out about the surgeries? The fact that there were so many people there. As I would go to sleep, I would look around and see more and more people coming in. So there I am half naked on a table with a crowd watching and I am completely out so I have no idea what they're doing or saying. Talk about feeling violated.

I actually did not spend very much time on fertility treatments. Most of the time was spent dealing with my body reacting badly to every hormone I took. The fertility specialist sent me to an oncologist because the abnormal cells got bigger and badder over time. Before the fertility specialist would do anything, she would need to check with the oncologist each time. I was a mess. The hormones made me gain weight. A lot of weight. And I was sick and pale all the time. I finally got cleared to do injectables and I ended up being allergic to the medication. My injection sites were red, swollen, and hot to the touch. I never complained though because "you gotta do what you gotta do." It was working and that was all I cared about. Turns out, it's not okay to ignore it. I started running a fever and that's when they realized I was allergic to it and it gave me a systemic blood infection. I had to stop immediately. Yet another freak reaction keeping me from moving forward. (There were lots of jokes about writing a case study about me. I think they were only half kidding.)

Unfortunately, stopping the fertility meds so suddenly caused an even bigger reaction. A couple weeks later I started bleeding. The bleeding quickly turned into hemorrhaging. I was very pale and completely out of it, so my husband and mom took me to the hospital. Good thing since it turns out, I had lost half of all the blood in my entire body. That 3 day hospital stay was full of poking, prodding, and me feeling completely violated. In so many ways. Including being violated by the health care system in general.

Due to my near death experience, my husband and I chose to stop trying. For the next two years, I had bleeding and cramping every single day. All while taking large amounts of hormones to keep me from bleeding to death. We eventually decided to do some research on adoption. We went to an orientation and we knew this was right for us. It was a light bulb over our head kind of moment. Adoption. Of course. Duh.

The adoption process is a whole other version of poked, prodded, and violated. It has not been an easy road. But at least now I know we are on the right road.

I still do hold out hope that someday we can try again to get pregnant. I was allergic to that one kind of injectable medication, but there are plenty of others to try. I don't know if we ever will, but I think I still need to keep that hope. For now, I couldn't be happier about our choice in adoption. I know this is right for us. That's why I am willing to let them do as much poking, prodding, and violating as they need to do.

My First Post

I have never had a blog before. I don't know what I am doing. I am just going to give it a try.

My husband and I are trying to adopt a newborn domestically. We have been waiting almost 14 months. It feels even longer since it has actually been 6 years since we first tried fertility meds. So, I have been Waiting Lisa for a long time now.

I provide care for school-age children in my home. I did it for many years in a daycare center, but when we decided to adopt, I started my own business in our house so I would be home with our baby when the time came. I love it, but I miss having co-workers. I crave adult interaction. That's why I joined twitter. But, sometimes I have so much on my mind that I need to break free from the 140 character limit.

I don't know if I will be any good at this. I decided I can't care about who will read it or what they will think. This is something I have always wanted to try, so I am.

I have no idea where this blog will go, but if I had to guess, there will be posts about my adoption wait, working with children, and trying to be green. Fair warning to all, I am a liberal and I can promise you there will be some political rants mixed in. I can't help myself.