The Paper Cut

I got a paper cut a few weeks ago. It's all healed now, but I am still thinking about it.

What's more boring than reading a post about a paper cut, right?

Well, it's more than just a paper cut.

We got a letter from our agency and I got so nervous about what could be inside that I managed to cut my hand while opening the envelope. It's like a forgot how to open mail. As I opened it, I could see that whatever it was, it was written on flower stationary. I got it in my head that it could be a letter from Jayden's birth (first) mother. All this excitement flooded through me as I opened it.

It wasn't anything from her though. It was an invitation to the birth mother celebration that they always have on Mother's Day weekend.

In one of the many letters I've written to Jayden's first mother, I asked if she would feel comfortable sending us a picture that I could add into his scrapbook. Either of her, or her other children, or all of them. Whatever she chose. Then not much longer after that I received a thick envelope from the agency and I was so excited because I thought she had responded. When I opened it, I realized it was a questionnaire about working with the agency. I felt such a huge letdown. I didn't know until after that happened that she never even received my letter asking for pictures. In fact, other than one letter in the first month, all the letters and pictures I have sent have been sitting at the agency unclaimed. She hasn't wanted anymore.

I tried to show my Mom and Adam my paper cut but they just blew it off and didn't pay much attention to me. I don't blame them. It's just a paper cut. But, for me at the time it was a physical representation of what I was feeling inside.

I spend a lot of time reading adoption blogs. Some written by adoptive parents in open adoptions, some written by birth (first) mothers, and some written by adoptees. I have learned a lot from them. And one thing I know for sure is how important open adoption is.

So, how am I supposed to just sit by day after day knowing that there is this really important thing that my son needs...but I can't give it to him? It's completely out of my control.

I know enough about Jayden's birth (first) mother's situation to know that she is busy parenting her other children and that she was already in a difficult place in her life before she even knew about Jayden. I know there are reasons (even if I can't fully understand them) why she is choosing to have a closed adoption. I am sure she has good reasons why she hasn't wanted any of my letters or pictures since the very first month. It's just hard that I can't give my son the open adoption that I know would be healthy for him. And that he possibly has a rougher road ahead of him because of it.

I still have hope someday it will change. I will continue to write those letters to her and share the pictures of her amazing son. And I will continue to tell Jayden what I do know about where he comes from. I hope that at the very least someday he can connect with his siblings.

And I know that every letter that comes from our agency will always make my heart beat a little faster.

ICLW

My story is posted on the right of my blog and I don't have too much to add to that, but I wanted to say WELCOME :)

My family is in town for the holidays and I am very thankful for that. We've been busy with family dinners, shopping, parties, and cookie decorating. Last night Jayden and my two month old nephew were wearing matching pajamas that my mom bought them. Adorable. I love seeing the boys together. My sister in law who lives on the other side of the country just got into town (my brother is flying in on Friday) and is coming over today to play with Jayden. I can't wait.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my big surgery. During our adoption wait, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and had a radical hysterectomy. Even two years later, I still feel my scars every night before I fall asleep. This Christmas will be very different from the one two years ago. I have so much to be thankful for now. The anniversary of my surgery still holds a lot of emotion for me though.

This is probably too deep for a "Welcome To My Blog" ICLW post, huh? ;)

I look forward to meeting new people and visiting your blogs this week!!

Who Said He Could Grow Up?

I took this picture as we brought Jay home from the hospital.

I took this picture one year later.

I will be posting first birthday pictures very soon. I have to organize all the pictures we took as well as the ones my brother and dad took. Plus I promised myself I wouldn't post pictures on facebook or my blog until I sent some to Jayden's birth mother first, along with a letter.

The Day I Met Jayden

One year ago today.

Look how long his hair was!

My Blog Post One Year Ago

Tonight I went back and read my blog post from one year ago. I remember all the emotions so well. I was giddy with excitement while also scared to death it wasn't really going to happen. In fact, that scared feeling didn't go away until we were actually driving to the hospital to pick him up. I didn't really let myself feel the excitement until then.

Anyway, I decided to share this post with you.

Sunday, September 12, 2010:

I woke up this morning feeling a little nervous that maybe something had changed overnight.

But, as the day went on, and we received no phone call, I started to relax and let myself believe this is really happening!

We have done a lot of shopping....and cleaning....and hoping that this is finally it....

The baby's bed is all set up next to ours.

Going home outfit is washed and packed.

We have clothes, diapers, formula, bottles...everything all ready to be used. (It looks like a baby store exploded all over the house.)

Here is the plan:

8 AM- Call the pediatrician.
9AM- Call the agency to confirm all the hospital paperwork was faxed to them.
9:30 AM- Go to the bank to get ceritified check for full placement fee amount. Yikes.
10ish AM- Head to agency to start filling out paperwork.

After hours of paperwork torture....go to the hospital to pick baby up!!!

Then bring him home.....EEEEEK.

Can this really be happening?!

Oh, and we officially have a name picked out....

Jayden :)

Forever Family

It's official.

We went to court this morning to finalize our adoption.

Jayden is officially stuck with us forever. ;)

From the moment we got to court, Jayden was busy charming everyone. In the waiting area he was walking around and dancing. He loved the marble floors. He reached down and touched the floor a couple times. He seemed so happy to be there. Everyone that walked through commented on how cute he was.

My Aunt gave him a kitty stuffed animal, which he loved.

In the courtroom the judge said it was okay to let him walk around because he was not in the mood to sit. He ended up starting up a game of peek-a-boo with the judge. Then he was blowing him kisses! The judge even blew him a  kiss back. It was so funny. He was walking around the courtroom like he owned the place.

My parents and my Aunt came with us. It was so nice to have them there celebrating with us. Then right after we left court, I checked my phone and there were so many tweets and texts and love from all over. We are so grateful to have had so much love and support through our adoption journey. Jayden is so loved.

We went out to breakfast with my Mom and Aunt after we left court.

Then we went home so Jay could take a nap.

Later in the afternoon Jen from This Is More Personal and her wonderful husband came by for a visit while they were in town. It was so special to have one of Jayden's twitter Aunts be part of the big day. Jen, like so many of Jayden's twitter Aunts, has been a huge source of support throughout our adoption journey.

We then met family out at a restaurant for a celebratory dinner. I love times like this because it's such a big reminder of how loved Jayden is. And he did so well! Court and two meals in a restaurant...all in one day...and he did amazing! Especially since he only had one nap and dinner was close to bedtime. His favorite part of dinner was sitting next to Grandpa. He was copying everything Grandpa did.

I've known since the moment I met Jayden that he was my son, but I don't think I realized until today how much finalization meant to me. I thought I would be able to put those feelings into words in this blog post, but I really can't express the full range of emotions I felt. I spent a lot of today thinking about our journey that led us to today. Everything we went through before Jayden came into our lives. I mostly thought about how lucky we are. After 11.5 months of parenting Jayden, it still feels surreal sometimes. And I don't think I realized until today that I have been holding my breath this whole time. Kind of waiting for the floor to drop out from under us. But, it didn't. And it never will. This is forever.

Like our lawyer said to us today, now we just need to worry about living happily ever after. :)

11 Months

Eleven Months

I gave him food to eat so he would sit there long enough for pictures :)

Sitting didn't last long.

Sometimes you have to catch pictures as he runs by.

He still loves looking at books.

He loves to play peek-a-boo. He started this round by peeking around a corner at me.

If you say, "How big is Jayden?" he loves to do "SO BIG" with his arms. He gets a big smile on his face when he does it. Adam can't get enough of it.

Jayden has become such a little person. I feel like we're friends now. Like we have inside jokes and laugh with each other about things. Just as I was getting sad about him turning one soon, he turns into this awesome little person and I can't be sad because I am too busy being excited for what's next.

Like his love for trains makes me so excited about getting him a train table to play on. He has played with train/car tables at Barnes and Noble and the library. There was one at a party we went to and he played with it for most of the time we were there. I plan on getting him one for Christmas.

He actually loves anything with wheels. My brother got him his first bike. (He has to grow a few inches to use it, hehe.) He loves to spin the wheels when the bike is upside down.

We had a family reunion this past month so he got to play with cousins that he had never played with before.

He went to the beach for the first time. He did so well with both the sand and the water. He loved it.

He had his first outing with just Jayden and Daddy. They went to the neighborhood playground one evening after Adam got out of work. Adam said there were all sorts of people to meet and things to play on, but Jayden was only interested in playing with Adam's keys.

He has figured out how to play his basketball game and he LOVES IT.

He likes playing with his kick ball too.

He enjoys playing with his raceway when Adam sits and plays with him.

But his favorite way to use his raceway is to sit in it.

He's gotten so good at walking. Even on tricky surfaces like grass, sand, and wood chips. He can walk and carry big toys or even drink from his sippy cup as he goes. He has gotten pretty fast, especially if he sees a gate open and wants to make a run for it. The coolest thing was watching him learn how to walk uphill. The trial and error on that was so funny. It took a couple falls back on his bottom before he realized he needed to lean into it.

He says hi, mama, kitty, and dada (actually, either da or dadada.) One day when Adam came home from work Jayden was watching him at the front door and saying "dadada." One time at the spray park Jayden got sleepy so I was holding him so he could take a nap and as he fell asleep, he touched my face and said "mama." It was so sweet. My heart melted. Kitty is his favorite one. He loves kitties. Kitties in books, on puzzles, or in real life. One day I heard him scream and I looked over quick and realized it was because he found a kitty in one of his books. He got all low to the ground where the book was and put his face right up to it so he could get a better look.

He says a few other words if we say them first. If not the whole word, then something that sounds like it.

He signs finished, more, listen, and milk. Although he hasn't been signing as much the last couple weeks.

He doesn't clap yet, but he now waves hello and goodbye.

He has started to hold his own bottle every once in a while if he needs to, but he would rather me do it. I think he's been able to do it for quite some time because he's been drinking well from a sippy cup for months. He just doesn't do it because he wants me to. I'll admit, I really don't mind it. Snuggling close to feed him is really nice. And with him eating more food and having less bottles, I cherish that time.

He had another haircut this month! It wasn't that long ago that he had his first one. I can't believe how long his hair had gotten again.

I bought his summer clothes in 9 months and 12 months, which has turned out to be a waste because he is not even close to fitting into 12 months yet. In fact, if he isn't wearing a cloth diaper, he still wears size 6 month shorts.

But, he is finally big enough to be able to wear baby leg warmers!! (Which I LOVE!!) Until now they would just fall down to his ankles right away.

He still only has those two little bottom teeth! There are two on the top that are coming...but they are taking forever and haven't broken the skin yet. It's really funny because they are not the front two. They are the next ones so he will look like a baby vampire when they finally come in.

The best thing about this past month is that we got our finalization date!! I can't wait to go to court and finally be declared a forever family.

I love this baby so much.