De-Cluttering Challenge 1 - Fess Up

SRB is having a challenge over at her blog called Who Needs It. It's all about De-Cluttering. I am a big SRB fan and in need of de-cluttering so I knew this was something I had to be part of, despite being a bad blogger for the past year.

The first step is to fess up to the clutter. Taking pictures of it not only works for showing all of you my clutter, but it also gives me a different perspective on the clutter. Instead of it just being what is always in the background that I never notice anymore, it brings it front and center and forces me to look at it in a different way. I actually sometimes do this when working on etsy orders. After working on it for a long time, it is not until I see it in a photograph that I really see it.

Okay, deep breath, here is the first picture...

It's ridiculous. I know. This is my dresser in the bedroom. Let's take a closer look at what we have here...

1. A random jewelry box that until now hadn't been opened for years. A container of hair ties that I do use every day. Behind those is so much randomness. Like Chuck E Cheese tokens.

2.  Glow sticks because you never know when you may need some. Random CDs. Those can be found throughout my house.

3. Sports bras and socks. Why? BECAUSE MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER IS FULL OF BRAS THAT DON'T FIT. And why do I still have them? Because I can't admit I spent money on something I will never use. So they will sit there until they fit. (That will eventually happen, right?! Magic!)

4. Lotion and stain stick. I have a 3 year old. I need a stain stick available at all times.

5. This one makes me laugh. Hand weights covered in dust. 3 lbs and 5 lbs. They have not been touched since Jayden was born.

6. When I got my cancer diagnosis, a friend whose mother died from breast cancer gave me this bear. Someone gave it to her mom when she was diagnosed and she was passing it along to me. And then I was supposed to pass it along to someone else. But, I haven't and it just sits there. I feel like I shouldn't put it away somewhere and I haven't wanted to deal with it in any other way. But, it can't stay there. I just...don't know what to do with it. I need help with that one.

7. This shelf used to have something decorative on it, but now it's where we put things we don't want Jayden to get. From left to right: My deodorant, my head bands, permanent markers, Adam's deodorant, and a container with sharp things like tacks. I put the deodorant up high after Jayden rubbed it on his lego table. That table still has deodorant in the little grooves. It's impossible to clean.

8. Leftover decorations from Jayden's birthday. I have a problem with not knowing what to do with party stuff after the party is over. I have to figure out a solution. There are also sticks in there that I am trying to keep away from Jayden.

9. Dusty mirror that never gets used because I don't ever wear make up anymore. Or look in mirrors.

10. Basket of randomness.

Phew. That was exhausting. I think that's enough for now. I'm just dipping my toes in the de-cluttering challenge. If I don't die from the embarrassment of posting this, I will do it again.

Going With My Gut

Jayden has never been a good sleeper.

As a newborn he had colic. It was really, really hard. I didn't write about it much because I was worried it would seem like I wasn't thankful for him. I was SO thankful for him that I didn't want to complain. It was week after week of getting no sleep and him just screaming all night. Even now when he doesn't sleep, I think back at that time and I am thankful at least he's not screaming all night like he used to.

Once colic was over, he had a period of sleeping well, especially during the months we were able to swaddle him. We moved him from a bassinet next to us to his own crib in his own room. He did fine, although he was still getting up for bottles during the night for a long time. He was on the lower side of weight so his doctor said he probably needed the calories and it was fine.

He was never able to just be put down in his crib without us rocking him to sleep and then putting him down. We tried the whole sleep training thing and it was hellish. It felt wrong. He cried. I cried. Adam and I took turns on who was the strong one and who wanted to give up. It had mixed results. It would kind of work and then something would happen like teething or sickness. At it's very best, it resulted in Jayden sleeping until maybe 4 or 5 and then we would go get him and he would sleep another hour or so in bed with us. He still wasn't able to be just put down in his crib and then go to sleep on his own.

If sleep training meant crying for a night or two and then he could sleep on his own and knew how to self soothe, then great. But that was not the case for Jayden. And one thing I know for sure is that I don't have the stomach for listening to him cry on a regular basis.

In mid December Jayden got a cold. He has never done well with colds. He will wake up during he night and freak out that he can't breathe. So, when he has been sick in the past, we've often just let him sleep with us. His cold seemed to last forever and then it turned into his first ear infection right before Christmas. While we were at the doctor, she also said he has three teeth new teeth coming. Well, that explained the sleepless nights.

It really got me thinking about how awful I would have felt if we hadn't let him sleep with us during that time. Even worse, what if we let him cry in his crib during that time?

I read this post from Phd In Parenting and some other similar ones and they said a lot of what my gut has been telling me about our situation.

{Note- If you have done CIO or other forms of sleep training and they worked for you, that's awesome. You'll get no judgement from me. I think sometimes sleep training means less crying overall. It just didn't work for us and I felt strongly that it was damaging in our situation.}

After a few nights of trying to get Jayden to transition back to his crib after he was sick, I made a joke on twitter: "I give up. Jayden can sleep in our bed until he goes to college."

I was only half joking.

We gave up the struggle. We've been letting him sleep in our bed. And guess what? Everyone is getting sleep. There are no middle of the night trips up the stairs to get screaming Jayden. Adam doesn't have to spend an hour upstairs trying to get him to sleep in his crib at bedtime. When I take him into bed and he goes to sleep, we don't have to tip toe him upstairs and hope he makes the transition. We just let him sleep. And it's nice.

Jayden used to sleep maybe 8 or 9 hours a night at best. With at least one wake up during that time. He now sleeps 12 hours a night. Straight through.

Without bedtime stress, the atmosphere is much lighter in the evenings. Sunday night I gave him a nice long bath, put him in his nighttime diaper and PJs, we sang a song together, and then we cuddled in bed and he fell asleep. It was so nice. He ended up sleeping for 13 hours.

He has even started signing to me that he is sleepy. One day he signed "sleep," I brought him in the bed and he took a long nap. It's like now he isn't afraid of sleeping and doesn't need to fight it. (His new thing is to sign "sleep" when he wants his pacifier because he knows he can only have it to sleep! Although him wanting it and being sleepy often go hand in hand.)

I've noticed that the better he sleeps, the better he eats too. That is great news since he is small for his age.

Jayden has always cried immediately when he wakes up. He can be sound asleep one second and then standing and screaming the next. (I've seen it on the video monitor.) One change I've noticed in our bed is him waking up happy. A few times I've seen him wake up and just lay there smiling, playing with his paci, or babbling to himself. I've heard of kids waking up and just playing in their crib for a while and that always amazed me. It's nice to see Jayden doing a little of that.

One night this week he had a (very rare) pee leak and after we changed his diaper and pajamas, turned the lights off, and all got back into bed, we heard him kind of humming or singing to himself. It was funny and quite adorable. I realized he was soothing himself back to sleep. A skill Jayden had never had before. I guess being in a comfortable place he feels safe, he is now (finally!) learning self soothing.

It's so nice to be able to talk to Adam the next day about how cute or cuddly Jayden was in bed. That sure beats us trying to piece together the awful night we had before. "What time did he get up? When did he come to bed with us? How many times did he wake up? What time was it when __ happened?"

I've spent so much time worrying and obsessing over Jayden's sleeping. When he was 14 months I posted on facebook about it and had a huge response from people writing about their babies and toddlers not sleeping. And how much pressure gets put on you when you have a child that doesn't sleep.

Have you ever noticed that when you have a baby people tend to ask- "Is he a good baby? Does he sleep through the night?" How are you supposed to answer that if you have a child like Jayden? No, I don't have one of those "good" babies.

Anyway, I haven't written about sleep much...probably because I've been too tired to really get into it (haha)...but I wanted to write this post for any of you that are struggling with sleep issues. You are not alone. You are not a bad parent. And if you are considering co-sleeping, there is no reason to feel bad about it. It doesn't mean you failed at anything. You're just trying to do what's best for your family. I needed to hear that, so I wanted to say it to you in case you needed to hear it.

For right now we have a solution that results in Jayden being healthy. Sleeping and eating. I am at peace with this.

Post Christmas Blues

Thank you so much for all the support on this post. It meant a lot to me because the whole situation left me feeling really bad.

I am not usually one for making New Year's resolutions, but this whole thing is forcing us into some major life changes.

Of course all extras like Netflix were cancelled right away. (sad trombone)

Adam has gone back to cutting his own hair like in college days. I'll just be skipping haircuts for the next few months. And my mom is going to cut Jay's hair. (Eek. I'm way too nervous to do it myself.)

We're trying to make meals with whatever we already had in the house. My mom said to think of it like we're on the show 'Chopped' and can only cook with the ingredients they give us. It's not quite as fun as my mom has tried to make it out to be.

No more eating out, ordering in, or short cuts in the kitchen. I have to go back to real cooking from scratch with cheap ingredients. Not easy with a toddler screaming at you while you cook.

My parents are going to have us over once a week for dinner so that will help a little. Plus Jay eats so well when we go there so that will be nice.

Clothes....well, who are we kidding, the budget for that was gone long ago. My clothes are so ratty and old, but I guess that's the benefit of never leaving the house. It doesn't matter what I am wearing. Jay should be good on clothes for a while because he has a bunch of stuff that is too big for him. (Thank goodness for the consignment shop.)

It's not like we've ever been big spenders. I've never had a massage, facial, manicure or pedicure in my life. I don't own nice jewelry. I don't wear make up (with the exception of maybe some foundation every once in a while.) I have a worn out pair of sketchers and one pair of black dress shoes. Yeah, I'm not fancy.

The truth is most of our money goes right into bills. Student loans, our huge adoption loan, credit cards, medical bills, etc. That's what is scary. There is not much more to cut. We're just simply left with not being able to pay our bills. The anxiety around this consumes me.

I haven't had any response from craigslist, but that's not surprising since it's the middle of the school year.

One of the biggest goals for the new year is to fight off depression. This whole thing has left me feeling really bad about myself. Even though I don't think the decision I made was wrong, I still feel bad that they would react so drastically. Like I can be replaced without a second thought.

I've been left with a lot of time to think. And overthink. I wouldn't change staying home to take care of Jayden for anything in the world, but sometimes it's hard to be alone all day with no adult interaction. Adam had off over christmas and now that's he's gone back to work, it feels so lonely here. My siblings were all home for the holidays and now they're gone too. I don't get to leave the house much. I don't even shower everyday. I honestly appreciate everyday I get to spend with Jay. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. But sometimes the day in and day out of trying to get a stubborn toddler to eat and sleep can make someone go crazy. Honestly there are days where my whole life is about getting as much food into Jayden as I can. Now adding in my inability to earn any real income, my self esteem is really taking a hit.

I can't help but think the longer this goes on, the more our chances of ever adopting again are being ruined. Not only are we not saving any money right now, but we're going deeper in debt. I don't know if we're ever going to dig ourselves out of debt enough to start the process again. That breaks my heart. It seems more and more people I know with toddlers are pregnant with their second child.

I'm sorry for the whiny post. Like I've said before, therapy is expensive. Blogging is free.

Therapy Isn't Free

The truth is, I either need to start really blogging again, or go to therapy. I need an outlet. I work at home all day with kids. My only regular adult interaction comes from twitter. And my brain is always on full speed. Worrying and overthinking are my real full time jobs.

I don't have money for therapy.

So, blogging it is.

I think if I get a little better with my time management, I can make blogging more of a priority.

I mean, really, who needs to actually fold laundry and put it away when you can just wear clothes that have been sitting in the laundry basket on your bedroom floor? ;)

Do you have any time management tricks?

Craft Supply Hoarder Update

You may remember my post about being a craft supply hoarder. Since I wrote that post last March, I have been working on changing our back porch into a craft room. Even though most days I could only work on it 5-10 minutes at a time before the baby would need me, I did get it done little by little.

As I said, organization is very difficult for me.

I was actually very proud of myself for what I did.

It took me forever to put the shelves together and organize things into baskets. (Yes you read that right- I organized things into little baskets!!!)

I was going to take pictures to post on here. I just had a few things to finish.

Then it happened.

The night before our court investigator came (the very last step to finalizing our adoption!) I was trying to get Jayden to sleep and Adam was doing some last minute cleaning, which included putting something on the craft shelves. I was upstairs in the nursery so I didn't hear the loud crashing sound.

Adam came up and gave me the bad news.

All of our shelving that was holding my scrapbooking supplies had come apart and there were craft supplies EVERYWHERE.

Open stamp pads, spilled beads, all kinds of paper, stickers, markers, glue, scissors, photographs...

It was bad.

I had a complete breakdown and then we came up with a plan. My mom came over with large totes and we threw it all in them...then hid the totes in our cars! Our cars were filled- front, back, and trunk.

Our inspector came the next day and everything went very well.

So, now I am left with bins full of scrapbooking stuff. Exactly where I was at months ago. How depressing is that?

One thing I know for sure is that after all that craziness, I deserve real shelves this time, right? Not flimsy wire cubes that come apart!

I can't believe I am starting over again.

I'm Going To Be An Aunt (And The Whole Bag of Emotions That Comes With That)

My sister is pregnant.

It's funny how long I have prepared myself for this moment. I was once blindsided with my cousin's pregnancy when she was 18. I remember we were at the zoo by the otter exhibit when my mom told me. Maybe hoping I would not have a breakdown since we were in public. It felt like a punch in the stomach. Ever since then I promised myself I would be more mentally prepared for those pregnancy announcements. I knew my sister or brother (well, SIL) being pregnant would be the hardest ones. I tried to toughen up and prepare for those.

When my sister called to tell me, I knew exactly what it was from the first sentence. It was the conversation I had been preparing for for years. My brain was telling me to think rationally and say and do the things we had practiced. To hold in tears until after hanging up the phone. I was actually giving myself a pep talk in my own head before she even really gave her anouncement.

Now let me be clear here....I am not sad about her being pregnant. I am happy for her. I am excited I will be an Aunt for the first time.

So why was I fighting tears?

Because pregnancy announcements are (and always will be) HARD when you are an infertile.

I have gotten good at blocking out pregnancy details from other people. But, I genuinely care about my sister and the baby, so I won't be blocking out details. I will hear them all. Every ultrasound, when the baby starts kicking (I can't even type that without a heavy sigh), when she learns the gender, as she gets bigger, as she prepares for the birth. I will know about it all.

Maybe part of why it will be hard is that I am the older sister. I am 4 1/2 years older than my sister and 5 1/2 years older than my brother. I always went through things first. I am good at the big sister role. But, now my sister will be doing something I have never done. Something I never will do. Something I can't even imagine doing. It's like she has this magical power. Her body can do magic. While mine is broken. Permanently broken.

I already told my mom that the first person who says something like, "This will be your first biological grandchild." will get a punch from me. My mom made it clear the first (verbal) punch would be from her! I know she means it too. There has never been a question that my mom loves Jayden. He is only 6 months old and they already have a special bond with each other separate from me. They both light up when they see each other.

I think it's great Jayden will have a cousin close to his age to play with. (When I finally convince my sister to move back to this state!)

I've already sent her boxes of clothes Jayden has grown out of.

This is all good news.

But of course that infertility monster never goes away. He ruins everything, doesn't he?

I Am A Craft Supply Hoarder

My worst ADD symptom is that I am awful at organizing things.

I remember when I was diagnosed, the psychologist who had done my testing had a meeting with me a week later to go over the results. One of the things she was able to do, based on my results, was perfectly describe what my bedroom looked like. She explained that I need to think outside the box when it came to organizing my things. Open shelves or even bins instead of dressers with drawers. I always think back to that conversation and try to give myself some slack and come up with solutions to my organization problems.

I also have a problem with craft supply hoarding. Between crafts and art supplies for the kids and my own crafting supplies....well, let's just say I have a lot.

The majority of our second floor is Jayden's nursery. The exception is a very small room with a desk, which was my craft room. I outgrew that room quickly:

Yes, these pictues are very embarrassing.

Although in my defense, it didn't get this messy until after Jayden as born. :)

After that room was full, I began to take over the hall outside the room as well:

Oh, and this is in the dining room:

This is in a closet:

This is in our bedroom:

(Although I would like credit for how well organized these supplies are! haha.)

So, you may be asking yourself why I am sharing my embarrassing photos. It's because I am determined to get all these things organized and in one place. I am turning our back porch into a craft room. A place where all supplies will be stored and easy to find. It's not ideal because although it is enclosed, it doesn't have heat or AC so it can't be used year round. But, I can easily go out there and get what I need, use it inside, and then put it back out there when I am done.  I am slightly concerned about how some items will hold up in heat or cold, but this is the best solution I could come up with.

One of the biggest reasons I am determined to do this is that I want to start on Jayden's scrapbook and there is no way I can do it while being this unorganized. I have been saving things for his scrapbook for about 10 years now. I think it will be great once I locate everything I need.

Also, once I get everything out of the upstairs, the entire second floor can be for Jayden. That will be my next big project. I would like to create a sleeping area, comfy reading area, play area, and then make my current craft room into a homework room he can use when he gets older. It's perfect because it's a very small room that pretty much only consists of a big built in desk and a chair.

So, here I am putting it out there. I will do this. Now that I have blogged it, I have to, right?

I'll keep you updated on how it's going and post pictures of the back porch as I go.