ICLW

My story is posted on the right of my blog and I don't have too much to add to that, but I wanted to say WELCOME :)

My family is in town for the holidays and I am very thankful for that. We've been busy with family dinners, shopping, parties, and cookie decorating. Last night Jayden and my two month old nephew were wearing matching pajamas that my mom bought them. Adorable. I love seeing the boys together. My sister in law who lives on the other side of the country just got into town (my brother is flying in on Friday) and is coming over today to play with Jayden. I can't wait.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my big surgery. During our adoption wait, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and had a radical hysterectomy. Even two years later, I still feel my scars every night before I fall asleep. This Christmas will be very different from the one two years ago. I have so much to be thankful for now. The anniversary of my surgery still holds a lot of emotion for me though.

This is probably too deep for a "Welcome To My Blog" ICLW post, huh? ;)

I look forward to meeting new people and visiting your blogs this week!!

I Survived Another Baby Shower

I recently went to a baby shower. My mom and Jayden were invited too so I decided it would be okay to go.

Of course as it got closer all those same old feelings started to come up. Why do I always forget that baby showers are not a good place for me? Can someone please remind me next time it comes time to RSVP to one?

As I was getting ready to go, I gave myself the same pep talk I have done for years. Telling myself I was fine, this was no big deal, I am happy for the person having the baby, etc. And reminding myself not to think those infertile thoughts.

It ended up being a huge shower. It was overwhelming. It was the kind of shower that makes me want to be as invisible as possible. And trying to keep a 14 month old quiet. happy, and not running through the room opening presents was no easy task. Although, I don't think I would have survived the shower without him.

One thing I did that I found helpful was pass on the games and concentrate on socializing with the few people there that I knew.

Of course I did receive some pressure to participate in games, but I responded by saying- "I am an infertile at a baby shower. By law I do not have to play shower games." I am proud to announce that it worked well and I highly recommend it to all of you. Give it a try. Maybe it will catch on. ;)

My cousin who was helping throw the shower has had two failed IVFs and is currently saving money for a third. I told her that I said I didn't have to play shower games because I am infertile. She agreed and added that she was so infertile that she didn't have to watch present opening. She washed dishes instead.

One thing I can honestly say is that my infertility being so out in the open is really liberating. And I love that my cousin is just as open as I am about it. We're a good team and it's nice to have each other. I wish more people had that. The only thing I can think of is the more we speak out, the less taboo all of this will be and the more likely people will be able to find support in places they never thought.

 (Of course I understand it's not possible for everyone to come out of the infertile closet, but I do wish things were different. I've had friends come to me and tell me about their infertility but make me promise to keep it a secret because nobody in their life knows. It makes me sad.)

The Teary Infertile at Santa's Workshop

We took Jayden to see Santa the first day it was available at the mall. Silly me thought going before Thanksgiving would mean shorter waiting time. There was some lying miscommunication about what time Santa would be showing up that meant we were in line for well over an hour. By the time he showed up, there was a huge line behind us and Jayden was really sick of waiting in line. But, when Santa arrived with full marching band, I'll admit my frustration melted and I was sappy about Jayden's first time seeing Santa.

Even as we waited in line, the saleswoman (and yes, I am calling her a saleswoman and not santa's helper) was already working on us to buy picture packages.

I had some cash in my pocket, but not enough to even buy just the basic one printed picture. I had no idea Santa pictures were so expensive!

My parents were with us and my Dad had planned on taking some pictures. Of course once I said we weren't getting a package, they told him he had to stand really far away and the salewoman stood in the way of him on purpose.

Because I am the sappy infertile, I was emotional about this whole experience. I waited many years for this. I was so proud of Jayden when he sat in Santa's lap and listened carefully as Santa spoke to him. It was beautiful and perfect and everything I had hoped for. As I was watching, the woman said to me, "You aren't going to buy pictures for his FIRST time meeting Santa?!?" She said it like she was disgusted by me. It hit me hard and I cried. I realize she was just doing her job, but what an awful thing to do to a mom. Moms already have enough guilt about things without being made to feel like the worst mom on the universe for not spending a fortune on Santa pictures.

I mumbled something about losing my job, although it really was none of her business. One of the families I watch are going through a hard time and are not coming for at least a couple months. My income is now half of what it was and money is tight right now. I was trying to go out and have a nice morning with my family and not think about all that. Luckily the tears in my eyes sent the message to leave me alone and stop pushing. I hope because of that she went a little easier on all those mothers behind me.

Fortunately, my Dad has a good camera and was able to take pictures even from far away. We just cropped that woman out of them.

Santa!!!

Even Daddy is excited to see Santa.

The face that makes Mommy's heart melt.

Listening very carefully as Santa talked to him.

Thinking about what he wants to ask Santa for.

Thank you, Santa :)

Mother's Day

Many years ago when I was working at a daycare, I was in charge of closing the building on the Friday before Mother's Day, so I had to be the last one out of the office. The time clock was right outside of the office I was working in, so everyone said goodbye before leaving. We were trying (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant at the time so it wasn't exactly fantastic to hear "Have a great Mother's Day weekend" over and over again.

Then one person was getting ready to leave and I heard her going past all the rooms and saying goodbye to teachers and the parents that were there picking their children up. Over and over I heard, "Happy Mother's day to you." She clocked out and said it to everyone in and around the office. Then made a point to say-"Well, Lisa, I can't say it to you." Of course she didn't realize what she said, but it was like a stab in the heart. I rememeber holding it together and then crying in my car.

Through the years I have tried to get through Mother's Day many ways:

Pretend nothing is wrong. Do all the Mother's Day stuff but don't think about it. Just another day that doesn't apply to me.

Ignore it. Complete media block and no leaving the house.

Going overboard with it. Spending money I didn't have to show my Mom how much I appreciated her and making a huge deal out of it. (My Mom is awesome so it was totally worth it.)

But, this weekend I will be spending Mother's Day in a way I never have before.

AS A MOM!

But, as I am celebrating, I will also be thinking of those of you who are still waiting and hoping for their chance to be a Mom. I hope this is the last Mother's Day you have to feel this way.

I will also be thinking of a very special Mom who gave me the opportunity to be a Mom. I am forever grateful for her and I will be holding her in my heart this weekend.

I Can't Even Get Through a Haircut Without Talking About My Uterus

I got my hair cut for the first time in at least a year and a half. I tend to let it get really long and then go get several inches cut off.

Maybe one of the reasons I go so long between haircuts is that it's impossible to get a haircut without the topic of children coming up. This time I finally had a baby to talk about. I actually told myself as I walked towards the building that I didn't have to get into all the infertility/adoption/hysterectomy stuff. I can just be a normal person talking about my baby.

But, the hairdresser really gave me no choice.

She said her boyfriend wanted to have kids but she wanted to wait. Then she said, "Who plans their kids these days anyway? It just happens."

What?

Apparently she is under the impression everyone accidentally gets pregnant without trying and you have no choice whether you start a family.

Then she asked me whether we planned to have Jayden.

Ha.

Uh.....well.....yes, there was planning involved.

Holy understatement.

Once I told her we adopted, the floods of questions began.

Before you know it, I am talking about my uterus.

How does that always happen?

Maybe I should have T-shirts made. "Ask me about my uterus. I love uncomfortable conversations in public about missing body parts."

It Never Gets Easier

I have to go to a baby shower today.

For twin girls.

Sigh.

I feel pressure to be okay with baby showers now.

But late last night, as I started dreading today's shower, I realized I am really not.

Jayden coming into our lives doesn't change that.

I really don't want to go. And if I have to play some kind of game like guess how big her belly is, I might just go cry in the bathroom for a while.

I am still not over the shock of the pregnancy itself. She got pregnant with twins while on birth control. That blows my mind. They have two other children and they are good parents. I have nothing against them in any way. But, pregnant with twins without trying? While actually trying NOT to get pregnant? Wow. I just can't wrap my head around it.

I've been watching the belly grow bigger over the last few months. She has even lifted up her shirt to show me on a few occasions. My immediate reaction is to avoid looking. It's just too much for me. I think that people assume since I have Jayden now that I am okay with all the pregnancy sharing.

I guess it's true that unless you are infertile, you really don't understand the pain. I've thought about trying to tell them, but I am afraid I will come off mean. I know they don't mean to hurt me, but sometimes it leaves me still feeling bad hours later.

I bought these cute cloth diapers:

...and a few other things in hopes that having cute presents to give would make me more excited about going.

 Wish me luck today.

I'm Going To Be An Aunt (And The Whole Bag of Emotions That Comes With That)

My sister is pregnant.

It's funny how long I have prepared myself for this moment. I was once blindsided with my cousin's pregnancy when she was 18. I remember we were at the zoo by the otter exhibit when my mom told me. Maybe hoping I would not have a breakdown since we were in public. It felt like a punch in the stomach. Ever since then I promised myself I would be more mentally prepared for those pregnancy announcements. I knew my sister or brother (well, SIL) being pregnant would be the hardest ones. I tried to toughen up and prepare for those.

When my sister called to tell me, I knew exactly what it was from the first sentence. It was the conversation I had been preparing for for years. My brain was telling me to think rationally and say and do the things we had practiced. To hold in tears until after hanging up the phone. I was actually giving myself a pep talk in my own head before she even really gave her anouncement.

Now let me be clear here....I am not sad about her being pregnant. I am happy for her. I am excited I will be an Aunt for the first time.

So why was I fighting tears?

Because pregnancy announcements are (and always will be) HARD when you are an infertile.

I have gotten good at blocking out pregnancy details from other people. But, I genuinely care about my sister and the baby, so I won't be blocking out details. I will hear them all. Every ultrasound, when the baby starts kicking (I can't even type that without a heavy sigh), when she learns the gender, as she gets bigger, as she prepares for the birth. I will know about it all.

Maybe part of why it will be hard is that I am the older sister. I am 4 1/2 years older than my sister and 5 1/2 years older than my brother. I always went through things first. I am good at the big sister role. But, now my sister will be doing something I have never done. Something I never will do. Something I can't even imagine doing. It's like she has this magical power. Her body can do magic. While mine is broken. Permanently broken.

I already told my mom that the first person who says something like, "This will be your first biological grandchild." will get a punch from me. My mom made it clear the first (verbal) punch would be from her! I know she means it too. There has never been a question that my mom loves Jayden. He is only 6 months old and they already have a special bond with each other separate from me. They both light up when they see each other.

I think it's great Jayden will have a cousin close to his age to play with. (When I finally convince my sister to move back to this state!)

I've already sent her boxes of clothes Jayden has grown out of.

This is all good news.

But of course that infertility monster never goes away. He ruins everything, doesn't he?

Forever Infertile

Colic sucks.

Not in a "Gee, I miss sleeping all night" kind of way. In a "I don't know what the hell is wrong with my baby and I am scared to death" kind of way.

Yes, the sleep deprivation is hard. I know right now some of you are rolling your eyes and saying you would give anything to be able to lose sleep because you are taking care of a baby. I get it. I really do. But, serious sleep deprivation over days and weeks gets really bad. You start to realize your brain isn't working the way it should. I had moments where I realized I did something but had no memory of doing it.

But, it's not really the sleep deprivation that is the worst part. It's being scared because you don't know what's wrong. You have gone down the list of possible things and your baby is still crying. And it goes on for hours. For weeks he would cry from about 9PM to 6AM and anytime we figured out something that would stop the crying, it would only be temporary. It makes you feel awful. You know he's in pain but there is nothing you can do.

But, anytime I sent out a tweet saying anything about it or mentioned it on my blog, I could feel the infertile community hating me. (Everyone was nothing but supportive, it was all in my head.)

I waited so long that it was my job to just shut up and be grateful. I shouldn't complain. Everything should be perfect all the time. (For the record, I would not trade a single sleep deprived second with Jayden for anything else in the world.)

I swore I would never write a post apologizing to everyone still waiting to start their family. I know a lot of people do, but I felt like I paid my dues and if I still didn't have a baby after everything I have been through, then that would be more depressing than anything. If I was just starting out in the IF world and saw someone like me waiting and waiting for over 7 years, it would depress me. On the other hand, it would give me hope to see someone finally start their family after all this time. After all, if a girl with no uterus can start her family, anyone can, right?

But, alas, I do feel guilty. I love all of you so much that it breaks my heart that so many of you are struggling.

I am a forever infertile.

So, I am sorry if my new baby posts upset any of you. I really am. And I am sorry if me talking about colic makes you want to hit me.

In case you were wondering though, he is doing so much better. We switched his formula AGAIN and it seems to be working. It's such a huge relief. Not because I am finally getting some sleep, but because he is happier and healthier. Just look at that video in my previous post. His smiles say it all.

The Upside of a Long Wait

There are many positive things that have come from having a long adoption wait.

(Yeah, I am just as surprised as the rest of you that I am writing this post.)

The first thing is blogging. I would never have started blogging without this wait. Blogging has given me a healthy outlet for my feelings that I used to keep bottled up. Not only has it allowed me to express myself, but it has given me an amazing support system as well. I have met friends I never would have met and I am so thankful to have them. It also lead to blog reading.

I have learned a lot from blog reading. I almost feel as though two years is the amount of time everyone should take to really read and think about adoption before actually adopting. I have come so far from the start of my journey. I have learned so much and my feelings and attitudes have changed so much over time. Just looking at our grids shows how far we have come. Things we would have never been open to in the beginning are not even factors anymore.

This time has strengthened our marriage. I know that if we can get through this, we can get through anything. Many difficult decisions have needed to be made over the last two years and I think we are better prepared to parent as a team because of them.

This wait has also given me time to grieve my infertility. I thought I was "over it" when I began the adoption process. We hadn't done any kind of fertility treatment for a long time and things were kind of in a numb holding pattern. We eventually came to the conclusion that we should begin the adoption process. But in between there wasn't any dealing with the fact that I had those fertility issues. The hysterectomy surgery forced those fertility issues back into my reality. I could no longer think that maybe we would try again after adopting once. If it weren't for the long wait, I don't think I would have grieved the loss of my fertility as thoroughly as I have. I had more issues leftover than I realized.

The wait has also allowed us to buy baby things over time. Buying all new baby stuff is for suckers, haha. There are so many garage sale and craigslist deals that you can get if you look over time. The only new things we have bought are the crib, the pack-n-play, and the car seat. Everything else is used and we have a very full nursery. Baby swing, jumperoo, bouncy seat, toy box, play mat, baby bath, bumbo seat....it's all used, but looks new. We even have a whole dresser full of clothes that look new, but came from garage sales. Most of them were $1. Some of them still have tags on them.

I am definitely not saying I would like my wait to last any longer, but I can admit there are things I have gained from a long wait.

And in case the universe is listening to me right now...... I AM READY TO BE A MOM NOW!!!!

National Infertility Awareness Week Video

This morning I came across this video from Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed. I was blown away by what an amazing job she did putting together this video of What IFs. Once I finally stopped crying, I posted it on Facebook. I decided to share it here as well.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

April 26, 2010

Today is 21 months that we have been homestudy approved and waiting.

Today is the one year anniversary of when I joined twitter. I had no idea when I joined how life changing it would be. I am thankful every day for my twitter friends.

Today is the day we are trying to make #infertility a trending topic on twitter to kick off National Infertility Awareness Week. If you are on twitter, join in by adding #infertility to all your tweets.

Today is Meatless Monday.

This week's meal is calzones. I'll be using pizza dough from a local bakery, ricotta cheese, mozzarella cheese, garlic, spinach, and mushrooms.

I think the key to a really good calzone is using good pizza dough. Find a local place that sells dough that you like. Put some flour down and roll the dough out with a rolling pin. Add whatever veggie ingredients you prefer to one side of the dough. Fold the empty side of the dough over the full side so it's covering all your ingredients. Make sure you close it tight so the ingredients do not leak out while cooking. Before putting it in the oven, I like to add a little vegetable oil to the top and sprinkle parmesan cheese on it.

I usually cook it at 375 for about 25 minutes. It all depends on how big your calzone is. You should be able to tell when it's done. Keep checking on it.

One last thing...

I just want to say thank you for all the support on my last post. I still get very nervous when I pour my heart out and hit the "Publish Post" button. I feel so vulnerable and embarrassed that my secret feelings are all out there for everyone to see. Then the support comes pouring in and it's like a giant hug. A great big "everything is going to be okay" hug. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Insensitive

We all know by now that when you are going through a tough time, there is nothing like the support of people who have been through it. Without blogging and twitter and support from adoption and infertility friends, I am not sure I would have made it through the past few months.

With so much great support, you begin to open up and trust that you can talk about your feelings and that it is safe. You may even start to think you can talk to people outside of your support system. Which is great. It's great to be able to open up and not hide what you are going through. Infertility can be so isolating.

But, beware that when you open up to people who have no idea what you are going through, they can say awful things. Awful things that make you fight back tears until you can be alone and cry.

This past week was one of the hardest weeks I have had during our adoption wait. The children had off from school for spring break so I was working long hours and I was exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions that came from being profiled. Someone mentioned that I looked tired. I told her that it was a tough week for our adoption wait. I told her we were being profiled and it didn't work out. For about a second it felt good to talk about it. She then starts telling me a story about how one of her cousins just found out she is pregnant. That she didn't think it was possible to get pregnant because she did fertility meds to get pregnant the first time and they weren't even trying now. I couldn't figure out why she was telling me this story. She went on and on and then basically ended it by saying, "So, I've been praying for both of you." What?? What was the point of telling me that? Clearly I am never going to accidentally get pregnant. She is well aware of my lack of uterus. So, her story was to tell me how other people have it rough too? And her "rough time" story is someone getting pregnant accidentally when she didn't want to?

There was also a person who when I told her I had endometrial cancer, told me about her friend who really had cancer. Unlike my fake kind. I know how lucky I am that it was caught early and that all I needed was surgery. But, it doesn't change the fact that I lost my uterus to cancer. I honestly lost count of the number of times leading up to my surgery that she told me I was fine and acted like I was making a big deal out of nothing. All I had said was that I was scared of the surgery. Even my oncologist said he didn't know how advanced the cancer was until he went in. I was scared. But, I had to endure multiple conversations about how there were people in hospitals with real cancer.

I told one of the parents about it all over the phone. I needed to give everyone notice because I would be closing for two weeks to have the surgery and recover. The very next time I saw her after telling her I was having a hysterectomy, she told me she was pregnant. She went on and on about it and told me about how they bought onesies to decorate to give to their parents as a fun way to tell them they were pregnant. They hadn't even told their parents yet, but she had to tell me then? I barely held it together while she talked and then cried so hard as soon as she left. It wasn't that she was pregnant that bothered me. It was that she decided to tell me then and go on and on without any regard for what I was going through. She really thought I wanted to listen to her talk about her morning sickness?

You know what another person said to me when I told them? "I don't get it. What's the big deal? You couldn't have kids anyway, right? I mean, no offense."

Do you have any idea how many people have told me their abortion stories? Just in the past year two people have told me that they've had multiple abortions and that they were on birth control each time they got pregnant. I am not in any way judging their choices, but for pete's sake, why do people feel the need to tell me these things? Both times the women ended the conversation by saying something like, "Fertility is wasted on someone like me."

After seven years of trying to start our family, I've heard it all. I wish I had realized a long time ago that all my feelings are normal. That there are other people out there feeling the same way. That I didn't have to be alone for so many years.



National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24-May 1, 2010.

If you would like more information about making #infertility a trending topic on twitter, please visit The Long and Winding Road.

Opening Up

Our adoption agency always says that we should get out there and network as much as we can. The biggest thing they suggest doing is telling EVERYONE you know that you have a homestudy and want to adopt. That hasn't been something I ever felt comfortable doing, but after 18 months of waiting, I feel like I just need to get over feeling shy about it and do everything we can.

So, last night I did something brave. I sent out a private Facebook message to a bunch of friends telling them all about our situation. (I know it would have been a lot braver if I put it on Facebook for everyone to see, but for me the message was a big step.) I asked everyone to keep us in mind if they ever come across someone who is thinking of making an adoption plan. I even included the link to my blog in case anyone was interested in reading about our journey to parenthood.

Sharing my blog made me feel very vulnerable. Not many people from my "real life" have read it. But, Jenn from The Road To Happily Ever After was the one who gave me the courage to share. She said she "came out" about her infertility on Facebook and received a lot of support. She said once you open up about it, you find other people who have experienced infertility and people that are just genuinely interested in reading your blog, following your story, and offering support.

So, I opened up and shared and feel really good about it. The responses so far have been amazing. I am truly touched by everyone's stories and kind words. And you never know, maybe reaching out to people will lead us to our baby.