Holding My Breath

I haven't posted in a while.

I think maybe it's because we are so close to finalizing our adoption that I am just holding my breath.

The steps to finalization have felt endless.

We got fingerprinted. Again. I swear we get fingerprinted more often than most criminals. This time it was done electronically for the court.

(Weird side note: The person doing mine said she can tell I work with my hands because my fingerprints are worn. So weird.)

We had both state and federal background checks done again.

We filled out more paperwork. And then some more. Oh, yeah, and then some more.

Multiple calls, faxes, and e-mails to our agency and our lawyer.

FINALLY, our case has been submitted to court.

Everything is all done....except for one last step. In our county the judge sends his own inspector out to your house.

We've had a social worker here eight times so far. Five times before Jay was born and then another three times after he was here.

Now we have an inspector coming. Our very last step before finalization.

All we need is for him to come ask us questions and look around. Pretty much the same stuff our social worker did multiple times.

THEN WE ARE DONE!

It makes me teary just thinking about going in front of a judge and finally being declared forever a family.

A Home Visit, Some Dead Fish, and a Squirrel

I thought I would feel a huge sense of relief after our social worker visit yesterday, but I really didn't.

I think I just felt sadness that we are still waiting with no end in sight.

While she was here, she said she has met with many couples who had to renew their homestudy a second time and they all got there babies within six months later. She said something like- if it doesn't happen within six months, I am sure it will be in the seventh or eighth month, hang in there. I know this was meant to reassure me and make me feel better, but all I could think about was how absolutely crushing it would be to live through another holiday season with no baby.

It made me think about Christmas in 2003 when I thought I was ovulating and was going to get pregnant on Christmas day. Every single Christmas from then on I was convinced we would have a baby the next year. Do you have any idea how many times I have gotten teary in hallmark looking at the Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments? It's 2010. I can't do it another year. This has to be it.

I also had a general feeling of shame and embarrassment that we are still waiting. It's hard to not feel bad about yourself when you wait a lot longer than the average waiting time. It's humiliating. The adoption process looks so easy for some people.

Of course I was feeling all these different emotions and Adam was just happy it was over and was getting ready to go to the Bills/Bengals football game with my uncle.

Before Adam left, I made him go over to the house of horrors to check on the fish. I have been having nightmares about it and could not bring myself to go over again. He came back and said another fish was dead and the water is a lot more murky than the day before. There are way too many fish in there and it's a really bad situation. They come home today and I am freaking out about their reaction. I did not sleep well last night. It's going to be so awkward.

After flushing another fish, Adam then came across a squirrel stuck in a volleyball net that was on the ground in another neighbor's yard. The poor little guy was all wrapped up in it and could not get out. He ran and got me and we were both watching as the squirrel tried over and over again to run away. I went in the house and got scissors and Adam put on gardening gloves so he could try and cut it out. He got it free, but the squirrel still had that part of the net wrapped around his tail and legs. We feel so bad for him and keep wondering if he is okay. I hope he was able to get himself free. Also, there is the issue of us cutting a neighbor's volleyball net. They weren't home so we couldn't ask them first. We didn't know what to do.

Basically, we might need to move after this week.

Checklist Complete

Summer of Suck Checklist:

Family Reunion
My parents 2 week long vacation (take care of cats & house)
Change our profile
Homestudy Paperwork
Physical
Garage Sale
New kids for before/after school program
Social Worker Home Visit

Summer of Suck

We had a great time at the family dinner and the drive-in. I loved Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. We ended up staying to watch Dinner for Schmucks. We were going to leave, but I convinced Adam that we should stay and give it a chance. I was surprised at how much we ended up liking it. Whoever was responsible for making the commercials for that movie should be fired.

We got home around 1:30 AM. We are taking care of our neighbor's fish and getting their mail all week while they are on vacation. We had left for the dinner right after I finished work so I hadn't had a chance to go over there yet. I went when we got home and walked into a horror show. I won't share what I saw, but it was bad. I had nightmares about it all night.
The water is starting to look murky and let's just say they can't get home soon enough. I am scared to walk in that house again. It's really awkward because we don't know them that well and we have killed at least two fish. Maybe more depending on what I find at 5:30 today.

Anyway, after we dealt with the fish situation yesterday, we finally left for the waterpark. As we drove closer, the sky got darker.

When we got there, it was 68 degrees out and dark skies. We debated on whether it would be worth spending $40 to go in. We decided this was our only chance for the rest of the summer so we would go and make the best of it.

You may recall in my last post I said my favorite part about the waterpark was the deep end of the wave pool. We headed straight there and saw a sign saying: Deep End Closed. Uhm....WHAT? What do you mean closed? It's not like a ride that broke down. Why is it closed? We got in and as we went deeper we saw a rope going across so nobody could go into the deep end. I was pissed. We stood there with some of the most obnoxious unsupervised middle-school aged children for about a half hour and then decided to go to the lazy river. We went around it three times and then went home.

On the way home, I got a tweet sent to my phone that my sister wrote. It said my grandpa was starting hospice care. That was news to me.

We stopped at Best Buy so Adam could use a gift card he got for this birthday. A fire started. Two fire trucks, a couple ambulances, and a bunch of police cars came. I told Adam we needed to go home because clearly some bad luck was following us around.

My mom went to the nursing home and signed DNR paperwork for my grandpa this morning.

I do have to give this summer credit, it continues to find new and interesting ways to suck.

We have our home visit from our social worker tomorrow. Fingers crossed for no disasters.

Is it Fall yet?

Profiled...but it's nothing to get excited about

I got an e-mail from my case worker today saying she is going on vacation for the next week and a half. That made me nervous so I called the agency right away.  I have been wondering why I still haven't heard from the social worker about setting up an appointment for the home study renewal home visit. I figured I better call and ask her before her vacation. She wasn't there so I left a message. I got a call back from one of the people that will be covering for her while she is gone.

I asked about the social worker never calling me and it looks like they never contacted her to let her know my paperwork is in and I am ready for a visit. That's very frustrating because I really rushed to get all my paperwork in. It's been done since August 6.

She promised me she would take care of it.

Then I asked whether I have been profiled at all this summer. She said she knows without looking that the answer is yes because my profile went out to an expectant mother today.

What?!?!

They didn't call me about it because there is still a lot up in the air. There is a good chance the adoption will not happen at all.

There are two possible birth fathers. One of them wants to parent the child so if he is it, the adoption will not happen. The other possible birth father does want to make the adoption plan and so does the expectant mother.

The baby is due in two days.

This is the first time my new profile is being shown!!
(And again the person on the phone told me how much everyone there likes my new profile.)

BUT, I absolutely do not have my hopes up at all about this. There is a good chance I will never even hear an answer to this situation.

Speaking of which, I was told every situation I was profiled for this summer was one they never heard an answer about. She said that's why they didn't even bother calling me. They knew they were probably going to be ones they never hear back from. Why does summer suck so much anyway? Is it Fall yet? I have always wanted a Fall baby  :)

Despite not getting excited about this AT ALL...it is nice to have that little feeling of hope again. It's been months since we've been told about a profiling. Everytime a situation like this happens you can't help but think about how amazing it would be to have a baby at home in a couple days.

Another Thing Checked Off My Summer Stress List

I got a call from the parent who came for the tour yesterday and she wants her kids to come here!! YAY! So, I can officially relax about not having enough kids in my before and after school program this Fall. I was looking to fill about 3 spots and with this one family two spots are now filled. It's a huge relief.

Almost every family that comes to my house for a tour ends up choosing to send their child here for childcare. Only two families have ever chosen somewhere else instead. One time it was because they wanted a religious program and that is not me. The other time it was because they wanted me to agree to watch their baby if they got pregnant again and I said no. So.....it hit me today how funny it is that a lot of families want to send their children here for childcare, but no expectant mothers ever pick us!!! I should start giving tours of my house to expectant mothers! haha

Now I just need to find out why our social worker still has not called to set up an appointment for our renewal home visit. All our paperwork has been in since August 6. Our homestudy expired August 12.

It would be nice to have the visit while the house is still clean from the tour ;)

Summer Stress Checklist:

Family Reunion
My parents long vacation (take care of cats & house)
Change our profile
Homestudy Paperwork
Physical
Garage Sale
New kids for before/after school program
Social Worker Home Visit

Success!

My weekend was so exhausting I have been too tired to even blog about it!

We had our big garage sale/bake sale/raffle adoption fundraiser over the weekend. It was a lot of work, but absolutely worth it.

Going into this fundraiser, there was an amount that I secretly hoped we would reach, but never really thought we would. Let's just say we exceeded that amount...on the first day!! The fundraiser was a huge success.

As amazing as the financial success was, the love and support we received blew me away.

Some people came that I have not seen since high school. They knew about it from facebook and made the effort to come and support us.

There were families that saw our ad in the newspaper so they knew it was an adoption fundraiser and took the time to come and share their own adoption stories. I met one woman who has eleven children, five of them adopted. A birth mother in an open adoption also came. I met so many amazing people.

There were even families from our own adoption agency who came. Someone who waited two years and two months with our agency gave me a pep talk that was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Another woman who adopted from our agency three times came with her five year old daughter. She told her daughter that I have been waiting two years and she said, "Her baby must be very special." We all had tears in our eyes after hearing that.

Overall it was one of the best weekends of my life.

Yes, we received much needed money for our homestudy renewal, but it was so much more than that.

I have a list a mile long of thank you cards to write. People who baked things to sell, people who donated items to sell in the garage sale, people who donated money and bought raffle tickets, people who bought items to be raffled off, people who bought newspaper ads for us...the list goes on and on.

Then there are the core people who we literally could not have done this without. The people who did the physical work and put in the long hours. My family was awesome- my Mom, my Dad, my sister and brother in law (who drove all the way home from Boston to help.) Then there was @melachrino and @creepygroovy who worked so incredibly hard and spent a crazy number of hours there. I am forever grateful for their help. I absolutely do not know what I would have done without them.

A special thank you goes to @nicoleella10 who has been my friend for twenty years and played a major role in making our fundraiser as big as it was. She is the one who came up with the raffle idea and donated a zoo membership to raffle off. Her father baked cakes, her mother put information about our fundraiser in their church bulletin, which led to other donations. Nicole and her family made this bigger than just your average garage sale adoption fundraiser.

Adam and I are both so grateful for everything.

We have an amazing story to tell our baby someday.

Survived

Just a very quick post to let you all know I survived today. It sucked, but it's over. We are officially done with all our homestudy renewal paperwork. We just need to wait until next week to be sure all our paperwork is approved, then we make our appointment with the social worker so she can come meet with us at our house again.

Thank you so much for all your love and support.

I spent all night at my parents' house getting ready for our big fundraiser this weekend!! My sister got in from Boston around 7. I love it when my sister is home. She has already been a huge help with everything.

I can't wait to tell you all about our fundraiser when it's over!

In the meantime, go check out this post from my friend Katie. I love it. (And I love her.)

I hope you all have a great weekend!!

I Just Need to Survive this Week

I went to the doctor for my TB shot yesterday. I was nervous because my doctor moved to a new building so I have never been there before. Also, because I get crazy nervous whenever I go to the doctor. I've always been like that. It's when my anxiety disorder hits full force. I have even had times where I have went and my blood pressure is high, and then they take it again at the end of the appointment and it's normal. I just get so freaked out.

I have to go back tomorrow afternoon at 2 for them to check my arm and have my much dreaded physical.
If I can make it through my physical on Friday and our garage sale fundraiser this weekend, I will be feeling so much better. I am a complete mess this week.

Progress: Garage Sale Preparation, Homestudy Paperwork, & Adoption Profile

This past weekend was intense. Both physically and emotionally.

We picked up many donations for our garage sale fundraiser, which often involved moving furniture or carrying heavy boxes. Thankfully one friend offered to help us move things with her truck Friday night and another friend helped us move things with her truck Saturday afternoon. Adam and I have small cars so that was a huge help.

I spent a lot of time putting prices on baby clothes on Saturday. I kept trying to stay positive and not let it bother me, but it definitely contributed to a lot of feelings coming up.

In general the garage sale has brought up a lot of feelings. There has been a lot of adoption and babies talk. My mom has talked a lot about being a grandma. Preparing for the sale has been an immense amount of work and I think everyone wants to keep reminding themselves why they are working so hard. Kind of "keeping their eye on the prize."

Saturday night I had a complete breakdown and cried for an hour. I didn't even really know why I was  crying. I think it was just a build up of a lot of emotions.

The amount of donations from people has been amazing. My parents' garage is completely full and so are many rooms of their house. There are donations everywhere. My poor Mom. She finally gets things cleaned, priced and organized and then another car load of stuff comes over. She is working from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to sleep. I feel so guilty. She is working harder than anyone should have to work in order to become a grandma.

The fact that so many people care and are willing to help is overwhelming. Friday night I was in the driveway at my parents' house looking at all the donations and I tweeted: "Dear Baby, So many people love you already." Just sending that message to twitter gave me tears in my eyes. The feeling is so intense. I have always been uncomfortable with people doing things for me and this past week it's been nonstop. I have had to force myself to just relax and accept everyone's help. I don't know how I will ever be able to thank everyone for their generousity.

On top of garage sale preparation I was also working on our adoption profile changes. That comes with it's own set of emotions. I want so badly for this version of our book to be the one that gets us chosen to be parents. I really think we did a good job. I woke up early this morning to finish putting the books together so Adam can mail them on his lunch break today. I also finished all our renewal paperwork to send along with the books. The only thing left now is my physical. *gulp*

2 Years

Today makes exactly two years that we have been homestudy ready and waiting.

Last year when we renewed our homestudy there were some paperwork mix ups and delays so our homestudy doesn't expire this time until August 12. So, over the weekend we were working on our paperwork. As we were doing it, it hit me that if someone told me two years ago that we would be doing homestudy paperwork now, I would have assumed it was for baby number 2.

I can't believe how much time has gone by.

I remember when our social worker came last year she asked if we were upset we were still waiting and had to renew again. I said no (although I was), but that I would be upset if we we had to renew for a second time. Then we all laughed about how silly that thought is. Of course we wouldn't have to renew again. Well, here we are.

It's so frustrating that some people only have to wait a few months and others have to wait two years.

When we were trying to get pregnant, every step of the way, our situation hit the small odds of being the worst case scenerio. Every single time. If there was a 2% chance of having an allergic reaction to a fertility med, it would happen. Small chance of that allergic reaction turning into a systemic blood infection? Of course it did. Small chance of it then resulting in almost dying from blood loss? Of course it happened. My doctors regularly made jokes about how they should write a case study about me. I don't know why I ever thought the adoption process would be any different. Of course we would hit the small odds of waiting over two years, despite being told when we started that it would probably only be a few months. Most of the time I am numb to it, but when you hit milestones like today, you are forced to really think about it.

My heart hurts.

Why does my journey to motherhood have to be so hard when being a mom is the only thing I have ever really wanted my whole life?

ICLW and Homestudy Renewal Update

Welcome to my blog! My internet was not working this morning so I am posting this a little late. Pretty much everything you need to know about me is on the right hand side on my blog.

My husband and I are in the process of renewing our homestudy for the second time. I was in denial for a long time but finally broke down and mailed the check in. The paperwork came in the mail this week. Even though I was expecting it to come, it felt like a punch in the stomach to actually get the big envelope.

We're going to do whatever we have to do to keep moving forward. We are making changes to our profile in hopes that it will make a difference and something will happen for us soon. We are also having a big garage sale/bake sale fundraiser the weekend of August 7th and 8th to help with all the adoption costs. The price of everything has gone up since we started the process so we need all the help we can get. When we took out a loan two years ago, we never factored in all the extra costs that come with having a long wait.

This journey has not been easy, and I am feeling down that we have to renew again, but I keep telling myself it could be anyday now that all our dreams come true. We just have to keep moving forward and never give up.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Happy ICLW!!

Sending The Check

I put it off as long as I could. I am out of time.

I am now mailing the check for our homestudy renewal to our adoption agency.

Writing the check was even more painful than I expected.

I can't believe we have to renew again.

I'm Okay

I really am okay.

Once I calmed down yesterday, I was able to think things through and realize that I was really feeling two things.

1. Hurt from the rejection. Being rejected over and over again over a 22 month period can beat a person down. If you let yourself think about it, you can start to really feel bad about yourself.

2. Fear. I didn't really care about that particular situation. I was crushed because I felt like not being chosen for that baby means we won't be chosen for the Nebraska baby (or any other baby for that matter.) What I have since reminded myself is that every expectant mother is different. They are each looking for different things in an adoptive parent/couple and not being chosen one time has nothing to do with what will happen another time. It's not about me. It's about whatever random thing they connected with when they looked at the profile they chose. (Of course that doesn't stop it from hurting each time.) Anyday now it could be our profile that an expectant mother will look at and find something they connect with. It's important I keep reminding myself of that. Otherwise, I would probably just give up.

I really want to be chosen for the Nebraska baby. (Duh.) There are a couple details about the situation that I feel a connection to. Plus the timing would be amazing. It's coming up on summer vacation for the kids, which means families with be going on vacations and there will be less kids here. It really would be the ideal time. Also, if we get chosen for this baby, we don't have to renew our homestudy. We are getting closer to having to make decisions about renewal and figure out how we would come up with the money. It's very stressful. I am still holding my breath for that miracle.

Thank you for the continued support. You have all been amazing. I can't tell you how many of your comments (and tweets) made me cry yesterday. Each one was like a giant comforting hug. Not just on yesterday's post, but the Hard Weekend post as well. I owe a huge thank you to Mel from Stirrup Queens for that. Both Mel and Kate from Busted Plumbing have been my Fairy BlogMothers. They are the reason I have the followers that I do. By highlighting posts of mine, telling me that my blog is good, encouraging me to keep writing, and sending people over to give me support, they have made my blog what it is now. Without them, there is no way I would have 98 blog followers. As I type that number I am absolutely amazed. Thank you!!!

The Letter I was Hoping to Never Receive

It came.

The letter from the adoption agency asking us to send them a huge check to start the process of renewing our homestudy again.

We send the check, then they send us the paperwork. We fill out all the paperwork, get our physicals (yikes), ask people to be our references again (so embarrassing to ask for a third time), and then when it's all done, we can make an appointment to have our social worker come for another home visit.

Getting that letter is like opening the mailbox and having someone reach out and punch you in the stomach.

I will be waiting at least another month before I send the check in. I figure I have a little time before it's absolutely necessary. Especially if I move quick on the paperwork when it comes.

I will be spending the next month hoping for a miracle.

Professional Worrier

I am a professional worrier. I don't even want to think about the amount of my life that has been spent worrying about things that turn out to be nothing to worry about. If I have anxiety about something, the only thing that seems to work for me is to think it to death. To think every single thought that can possibly be thought about it and then I can let it go. I wish I didn't have to do that, but I do.

This has made the adoption process very difficult for me. I think it is something that is anxiety inducing for the average person. I am hoping this blog will help me in my "thinking it to death" process.

We are currently renewing our homestudy, which expired July 26. We began renewing in early June and it has been one strange obstacle after another.

I don't think it's all the adoption paperwork that really drives us all crazy. We complain about the piles and piles of information you need to give, but I don't think that's really it. It's the little things that happen along the way that keep it from moving forward smoothly. Like when you have to get your finger prints done again because it came back that one finger was too smudged. Or when something you mail to the agency doesn't get forwarded to the right person. Or you buy defective envelopes that don't stay glued closed so your envelopes arrive at the agency with nothing in them. (Yes, that really happened.)

Right now there is one form standing in the way of our homestudy being renewed. Everything else is complete. We have even had our social worker back out to our house. We are just waiting for Adam's doctor to fax his completed physical to the agency. Should be easy, right? Well, then why has this been going on for a month now? I won't go into detail right now, but it has been a number of things from appointment scheduling mix ups to paperwork being filled out wrong. I assumed it was all done since they said they would fax it last week. I should know better than to ever assume. When I found out the adoption agency never received it, I called the doctor and the person on the phone said she can't find the form. She said she needs to wait for the doctor to come in tomorrow to search his office. Adam clearly should have taken the completed form with him after his appointment and put it in the mail, but I told him to have them fax it instead. It would be quicker that way.

I am just so tired of nothing ever happening the easy way. Nothing ever goes smoothly. I have to check on every single piece of paper. I can never assume anything has been faxed or arrived safely. I have been waiting since June to finish this renewal. That's a lot of worrying for a person like me.

There, now that I have vented, I feel better and it's time to enjoy my night with my husband. And he is one lucky man because I already did my venting on here. :)

I am so excited to watch House, How I met Your Mother, and Big Bang Theory!!!