It's days like today that make me realize how much time has gone by since we started the adoption process.
It has been two years since we first filled out the application to join our agency. Next Wednesday is two years since we had our first meeting at the agency. (Maybe I'll send our family advocate some flowers to celebrate our anniversary.)
About a month ago, the agency sent us another application and asked us to fill it out again because it has been a year since the last time we filled it out. I had no idea when we did our first one that we would have to renew it every year. Which includes signing a new financial agreement. There is nowhere on the agreement that says it expires after a year and nobody told us. I assumed when we joined, the financial sheet was good until we adopted. What was the point of outlining all the fees if they were going to change them? They said we needed to have our money ready to use at any time. We could get a call and have only one day to get our placement fee ready. So, we took a loan out. We have the money just sitting there ready to be used and we've been making loan payments every month.
Two years later we are now signing a new financial agreement and the price has been raised so much that the loan money we took out is no longer enough. What are we supposed to do? Take out ANOTHER loan?!? Not only have we had to endure waiting this long, but it has screwed us financially. We have money just sitting there in our account waiting to be used. Meanwhile we are struggling to make loan payments every month. We didn't think we would be doing this for this long. We assumed by now we would have adopted and gotten our adoption tax credit money to help pay down the loan. It makes me so mad to think about all the interest being added on to the loan over all this time and there is nothing we can do about it. And now on top of that, it looks like we are going to have to take out another loan. I feel like my head is going to explode the more I think about it. There is no way I am taking the loan out now. We will have to try and get one last minute. I am going with the theory that there are a lot of banks out there and eventually one will have to give us the money. We have good credit. Or at least we did before we started all this mess. We always pay all of our bills on time, but with taking out loans I worry about our debt to income ratio. I guess if it were really last minute we could do something crazy like cash advance on our credit cards.
The other thing that kills me is that because we have that money sitting in our account, our agency said we have now moved up a level on the sliding scale for the placement fee. They said it's not just how much you make, but how much you have. They're actually counting the money in our account as something we own. Even though we obviously owe that amount to the bank and are trying to pay it back every month. It's not money we just have. How can that count as an asset?? It's money we owe. So, it's not just the prices going up, but also the fact that we have moved up a level on the sliding scale. It makes it a significant amount more.
I have been mad about the financial agreement so I have been putting off filling out the paperwork. I finally completed it all over the weekend (mumbled some not so nice things as I wrote them a check) and mailed it in today. We're officially locked into the new prices.
I just keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the end. When it comes time to hand over the huge check, I will be holding my baby.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Close Calls
PCOSChick from His and Her Infertility told me recently about a woman who was arrested in Indiana for an adoption scam. She had contacted a number of different agencies and was even "matched" with multiple couples. She accepted money from the couples and each couple thought they were the only one. She was eventually caught and arrested.
PCOSChick sent me a link to an article about it and asked if she was the expectant mother we had been profiled for in Indiana a couple months ago. I read it and realized there is a possibility that it is the same person. (Probably not...but it could be?!) When we were profiled, I waited a couple weeks and then called the agency to find out if there was any word from her. They said they had not heard from her at all, but when they were talking to an agency in MA, they mentioned someone matching the description of her calling their agency too. So, my family advocate said that it seemed fishy. She said either she changed her mind about working with our agency, or she was calling multiple agencies. Also, I think I remember her first name being the same as the woman in the article. Could you imagine if it was the same person? It would mean she had our profile. Scary, huh?
This situation got me thinking about all the other times we came close to being hurt. Between January-May 2009, every case we were profiled for never ended in a placement. By talking to other people at our agency and reading the message boards, I was able to figure out who was chosen each time we were profiled during that time period. And then over time I heard/read one sad story after another as each one of those situations ended in a failed match or even failed placement. As disappointing as it was to not be chosen each time, it would have been a lot harder on us if we were matched and it didn't result in a placement. Not to mention, losing money would have made it harder for us to move forward.
One of the times we were profiled, it was a situation that fit most people's grids so a lot of people were profiled for it. I didn't even really think we had a chance. Then a week later I found out the expectant mother had narrowed her choices down to two couples....and we were one of them!!! It was one of the most exciting moments of my life. Which led to being absolutely crushed days later when the expectant mother went with the other couple. But, a couple months later it ended up being a failed placement. The baby was placed with the couple and then they had the baby taken from them days later. If that was us, I don't know how I would ever get over that.
So, when I look back on the last 19 months I need to remember all the "close calls" we had with heartbreak and be thankful. Thankful that things have worked out the way they have. My time will come and maybe we have been waiting this long for a reason.
PCOSChick sent me a link to an article about it and asked if she was the expectant mother we had been profiled for in Indiana a couple months ago. I read it and realized there is a possibility that it is the same person. (Probably not...but it could be?!) When we were profiled, I waited a couple weeks and then called the agency to find out if there was any word from her. They said they had not heard from her at all, but when they were talking to an agency in MA, they mentioned someone matching the description of her calling their agency too. So, my family advocate said that it seemed fishy. She said either she changed her mind about working with our agency, or she was calling multiple agencies. Also, I think I remember her first name being the same as the woman in the article. Could you imagine if it was the same person? It would mean she had our profile. Scary, huh?
This situation got me thinking about all the other times we came close to being hurt. Between January-May 2009, every case we were profiled for never ended in a placement. By talking to other people at our agency and reading the message boards, I was able to figure out who was chosen each time we were profiled during that time period. And then over time I heard/read one sad story after another as each one of those situations ended in a failed match or even failed placement. As disappointing as it was to not be chosen each time, it would have been a lot harder on us if we were matched and it didn't result in a placement. Not to mention, losing money would have made it harder for us to move forward.
One of the times we were profiled, it was a situation that fit most people's grids so a lot of people were profiled for it. I didn't even really think we had a chance. Then a week later I found out the expectant mother had narrowed her choices down to two couples....and we were one of them!!! It was one of the most exciting moments of my life. Which led to being absolutely crushed days later when the expectant mother went with the other couple. But, a couple months later it ended up being a failed placement. The baby was placed with the couple and then they had the baby taken from them days later. If that was us, I don't know how I would ever get over that.
So, when I look back on the last 19 months I need to remember all the "close calls" we had with heartbreak and be thankful. Thankful that things have worked out the way they have. My time will come and maybe we have been waiting this long for a reason.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
How I Was Adopted by Joanna Cole
This is my fourth post in a series of posts about adoption themed children's books. If you would like to know more about why I am writing about this topic, go here.
My first post was about A Mother for Choco.
My second post was about Horace.
My third post was about I Wished For You by Marianne Richmond.
How I was Adopted is a children's book, but it starts out with information for the parents to read. First it talks about the importance of sharing your child's individual story with them. Then it goes over how to answer your child's questions and to always be open to talking about adoption. The last section is about raising a child who was adopted.
My first post was about A Mother for Choco.
My second post was about Horace.
My third post was about I Wished For You by Marianne Richmond.
How I was Adopted is a children's book, but it starts out with information for the parents to read. First it talks about the importance of sharing your child's individual story with them. Then it goes over how to answer your child's questions and to always be open to talking about adoption. The last section is about raising a child who was adopted.
The story is told from the perspective of the child. She begins by introducing herself. She shares her name, her nickname, where she lives, her favorite things, and what she likes to do. She tells the readers about her family and says that she was adopted. She then asks the reader whether they have been adopted. It gives your child a chance to participate and tell a little about their own adoption story before going forward with the story.
Something you should know before buying this book is that it talks about how she was born. There are drawings of a baby being born and it says, " When a baby is ready to be born, the woman's uterus squeezes and squeezes, and the baby comes out into the world!"
It goes on to say, "I did not grow inside Mommy's uterus, I grew in another woman's uterus."
She then tells her adoption story. It begins with her parents before they began the adoption process. Then she tells us about her parents beginning the adoption process and waiting. Then the excitement when they receive the phone call that there was a baby for them. She talks about going home and says that family and friends came to see her, take pictures of her, and love her.
She tells us all about her childhood by showing her scrapbook of memories. First haircut, crawling, walking, playing with toys, swimming, friends, hugs and kisses with Mom and Dad, etc.
How I Was Adopted ends with:
"I love to hear Mommy and Daddy tell the story of how I was adopted. It's my very own story. Every girl who was adopted has her own story. Every boy who was adopted has his own story. Do you know the story of how you were adopted?"
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Giving Up
Sometimes I fantasize about giving up.
I dream about just saying enough is enough, I am done. I will live the rest of my life childless and never have to feel this pain anymore.
All of this rejection hurts.
19 months of expectant parents looking at our profile and not chosing us.
Now I know logically that it isn’t about them not choosing us, but choosing a couple that they connected with.
But, it’s still a lot of rejection and a lot of pain.
Sometimes it just feels nice to daydream about giving up.
I imagine taking the adoption money sitting in our savings account (we have to have money ready to use at a moment’s notice) and using it to pay off the adoption loan that is so hard to make payments on every month. Then selling everything in our nursery, and taking a nice vacation with the money.
I would never again jump when the phone rings.
Never have my heart race when I check the caller ID and see that it’s the agency calling.
Never again agonize over the decision of whether to be profiled or not.
Never receive another phone call about not being chosen by an expectant parent.
Never have to go months without hearing from the agency and being sad the whole time wondering why they weren’t calling us with profiling opportunities.
Never again have to worry about how we are going to come up with the money to renew our homestudy or pay some other agency fee that comes up that we never thought we would have to pay because we never thought we would be waiting this long.
Then I remember that I would never be happy living my life childless. I have known I wanted to have children since I was a child myself. I made a list of baby names when I was only 11 or 12. When I was younger than that, I loved to play house. My friends would have one or two dolls while we played and I would have about 10 and would name them all and pretend they were my children. As a teenager, I spent every weekend baby-sitting and I volunteered in elementary schools during the week. In college, I worked at a daycare during summers, I was part of the big sister program at school, I did student teaching, and an internship in a school psychologist's office. I majored in elementary education and child psychology. I have spent my entire life working with children. I have always, always wanted to have children of my own. I know in my heart that I would be a good mom.
So, I wait.
I continue with this process that breaks my heart everyday.
I dream about just saying enough is enough, I am done. I will live the rest of my life childless and never have to feel this pain anymore.
All of this rejection hurts.
19 months of expectant parents looking at our profile and not chosing us.
Now I know logically that it isn’t about them not choosing us, but choosing a couple that they connected with.
But, it’s still a lot of rejection and a lot of pain.
Sometimes it just feels nice to daydream about giving up.
I imagine taking the adoption money sitting in our savings account (we have to have money ready to use at a moment’s notice) and using it to pay off the adoption loan that is so hard to make payments on every month. Then selling everything in our nursery, and taking a nice vacation with the money.
I would never again jump when the phone rings.
Never have my heart race when I check the caller ID and see that it’s the agency calling.
Never again agonize over the decision of whether to be profiled or not.
Never receive another phone call about not being chosen by an expectant parent.
Never have to go months without hearing from the agency and being sad the whole time wondering why they weren’t calling us with profiling opportunities.
Never again have to worry about how we are going to come up with the money to renew our homestudy or pay some other agency fee that comes up that we never thought we would have to pay because we never thought we would be waiting this long.
Then I remember that I would never be happy living my life childless. I have known I wanted to have children since I was a child myself. I made a list of baby names when I was only 11 or 12. When I was younger than that, I loved to play house. My friends would have one or two dolls while we played and I would have about 10 and would name them all and pretend they were my children. As a teenager, I spent every weekend baby-sitting and I volunteered in elementary schools during the week. In college, I worked at a daycare during summers, I was part of the big sister program at school, I did student teaching, and an internship in a school psychologist's office. I majored in elementary education and child psychology. I have spent my entire life working with children. I have always, always wanted to have children of my own. I know in my heart that I would be a good mom.
So, I wait.
I continue with this process that breaks my heart everyday.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
99 Things
I've been enjoying reading everyone else's 99 Things this week.
Instructions: The post is a list of 99 things you could have done, and you are supposed to bold the ones that you yourself have done.
1. Started your own blog Really happy that I did.
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band- Does RockBand count? How about middle school band? haha
4. Visited Hawaii- I would love to.
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity- Well, I guess I could afford it if I gave it. Although even when I was in college and had no money, I gave to the gorilla foundation as often as I could.
7. Been to DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain- More hiked than climbed.
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo- Only on RockBand and even that is terrifying.
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - I taught myself cake decorating. Not sure if that really counts.
15. Adopted a child- I AM TRYING!!! haha
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked- Not really hitch hiked, but in high school my friend and I got in a car with a stranger. I know, it's bad. She was a mom though and had a car seat in the car. One of our parents brought us to the wrong school for a meeting and we had no cell phone or any way of calling our parents, so we asked one of the moms if she would take us to the school we were supposed to be at. After she took us, she gave us a long lecture about never getting in the car with a stranger again.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort- We used to build the best snow forts!!
25. Held a lamb- that's random
26. Gone skinny dipping- It's fun :)
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa- I would love to go on an African safari
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater - Adam and I LOVE to go to the drive-in. That and swimming are the only things I like about summer.
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies- When I was out selling girl scout cookies as a kid, I told myself that when I was an adult, I would always say yes if someone came to my house selling them. And I do. :)
62. Gone whale watching- I went for the first time this past summer and it was so much fun. I loved it!
63. Got flowers for no reason- A couple months ago one of the parents gave me flowers for no reason :)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma- They don't let me because I had problems with anemia in the past.
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - No, but I did visit the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam and that was a powerful experience.
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar- It does not sound good to me.
72. Pieced a quilt- I wish I knew how to make a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone- I broke my wrist in 6th grade (My sister and I are still not in agreement as to how it happened), I broke one foot in high school gym class when I jumped in the pool (They wanted to take me across the school in a wheel chair in my bathing suit..could you imagine?!?! I refused!), I broke the other foot in college when I was sleep walking, and I broke a toe when I kicked my brother when I was about 21 or 22 (He deserved it!)
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car- We only buy used.
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating- Gross. If everyone had to do this in order to eat meat, a lot less people would be eating meat.
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous – Poe, Mandy Patinkin, and some people from RENT who I consider to be famous.
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby :(
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone- I got my very first cell phone just this past summer!! Adam still has never owned one.
99. Been stung by a bee
Instructions: The post is a list of 99 things you could have done, and you are supposed to bold the ones that you yourself have done.
1. Started your own blog Really happy that I did.
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band- Does RockBand count? How about middle school band? haha
4. Visited Hawaii- I would love to.
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity- Well, I guess I could afford it if I gave it. Although even when I was in college and had no money, I gave to the gorilla foundation as often as I could.
7. Been to DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain- More hiked than climbed.
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo- Only on RockBand and even that is terrifying.
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - I taught myself cake decorating. Not sure if that really counts.
15. Adopted a child- I AM TRYING!!! haha
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked- Not really hitch hiked, but in high school my friend and I got in a car with a stranger. I know, it's bad. She was a mom though and had a car seat in the car. One of our parents brought us to the wrong school for a meeting and we had no cell phone or any way of calling our parents, so we asked one of the moms if she would take us to the school we were supposed to be at. After she took us, she gave us a long lecture about never getting in the car with a stranger again.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort- We used to build the best snow forts!!
25. Held a lamb- that's random
26. Gone skinny dipping- It's fun :)
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa- I would love to go on an African safari
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater - Adam and I LOVE to go to the drive-in. That and swimming are the only things I like about summer.
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies- When I was out selling girl scout cookies as a kid, I told myself that when I was an adult, I would always say yes if someone came to my house selling them. And I do. :)
62. Gone whale watching- I went for the first time this past summer and it was so much fun. I loved it!
63. Got flowers for no reason- A couple months ago one of the parents gave me flowers for no reason :)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma- They don't let me because I had problems with anemia in the past.
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - No, but I did visit the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam and that was a powerful experience.
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar- It does not sound good to me.
72. Pieced a quilt- I wish I knew how to make a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone- I broke my wrist in 6th grade (My sister and I are still not in agreement as to how it happened), I broke one foot in high school gym class when I jumped in the pool (They wanted to take me across the school in a wheel chair in my bathing suit..could you imagine?!?! I refused!), I broke the other foot in college when I was sleep walking, and I broke a toe when I kicked my brother when I was about 21 or 22 (He deserved it!)
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car- We only buy used.
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating- Gross. If everyone had to do this in order to eat meat, a lot less people would be eating meat.
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous – Poe, Mandy Patinkin, and some people from RENT who I consider to be famous.
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby :(
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone- I got my very first cell phone just this past summer!! Adam still has never owned one.
99. Been stung by a bee
Sunday, February 28, 2010
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