Random Thoughts

I have had many thoughts in my head the last few days, but haven't been able to put them together to write a blog post since last Friday.

I was going to write about Mother's Day, but there really aren't words for how hard it is to still be childless on Mother's Day...all these years later. Honestly I spent a lot of time on Facebook that day. It was like watching a train wreck. All the sappy status updates from mom friends writing about how their children are the greatest thing in the world and their life wasn't worth living before their children. I could not stop reading it all.

Luckily my Mom is awesome and instead of some corny Mother's Day brunch we had a belated cinco de mayo party Saturday night. Tacos, margaritas, and no mention of who is or isn't a mother.

Our new profile books are made and mailed. It took trips to three different places to find the kind of books we need. Oh, remember how I was mad at Adam because he wanted me to go with him to buy the books because he was afraid he would get the wrong ones? Well, I made him go alone anyway and he got the wrong ones. I had to return them and get new ones. Lesson learned.

Making the books was a total hassle and I really hope that is the last time we have to do that.

I missed Meatless Monday this week because we went to see Pearl Jam Monday night. I ate a peanut butter and banana sandwich in the car on the way there. At the stadium they were charging $4 for a pretzel and Adam said he would rather starve than pay those prices so he didn't get anything.

I woke up this morning with a huge amount of anxiety. I have a problem with anxiety. I used to take meds for it. I am now pretty good at talking myself through it. Part of what I do is make a list in my head of every single thing that is bothering me. Everything that could be contributing to what I am feeling. Then I think about the worst case scenerio for each thing. Then I come up with a plan if that were to happen. I know it is weird that thinking about the worst things that could happen calms me. But, once I know I have a way to deal with everything, I can relax.

The biggest thing freaking me out right now is that we keep getting closer and closer to when our homestudy expires. I am not ready to really think about that. My worst case scenerio for that whole situation ends in us never getting a baby. (Things would have to go really wrong.) So, that's not one I like to think through too much. For now I am just telling myself it can happen any day now.

We are having a little party at our house Saturday night so it's helping me to have that to look forward to. I am hoping the weather is okay so we can have a fire in the backyard and make S'mores. I already bought a lot of chocolate. So, rain or shine, we are having S'mores... even if I have to make them in the toaster oven.

It's 10 PM and I have a pile of laundry on the bed bigger than me, so I better go take care of it so we have a place to sleep tonight. I feel better after blogging. Maybe my anxiety attack this morning came from not blogging since last week. Maybe I need this more than I realized.

Another No

The adoption agency just called.

We were not chosen.

The expectant mother chose the adoptive couple because they are hispanic and the baby is hispanic.

It's something completely out of our control. Nothing personally against us. Which I guess helps.

I called Adam to tell him and we had a stupid fight about the books we need to buy from Staples to make up more profiles to send to the agency. I wanted him to get them on the way home and he said he didn't want to get the wrong thing so he wanted me to go with him. I exploded because I didn't know how he could not know after all this time exactly what they look like.

I am just so tired of this whole process.

I only have about ten minutes before the kids get off the bus so I better get my crying out of the way now and then go make them snack.

Thanks for the support everyone.

Best Day Ever or Sad Friday?

Today is either going to be the best day of my entire life or just another sad Friday.

When we were first starting this adoption journey someone told me that when you have been waiting a long time, you no longer get excited when you are profiled. That it is just a casual thing you mention to your husband hours later like you are telling him you stopped at the store that day. I have not found that to be true at all. Everytime we are profiled is a big deal. I call Adam at work immediately and I obsess about the details all day.

If we are chosen today, that means we will have a baby in just a few days. (The due date is Tuesday.) How can I just casually go about my day and not think about it?

I could not fall asleep last night. I was lying in bed making lists in my head. Lists of all the things we would need to do this weekend to prepare. All the wonderful things I have been waiting years to do.

When I woke up this morning, I obsessively looked through our profile over and over again. Deciding whether I would choose us. Crazy, huh?

I keep reminding myself that there are probably a lot of people being profiled for this case. People with awesome jobs, huge houses, and amazing vacation pictures. People way cooler than us. I am trying so hard to guard my heart.

Today would have been my Grandma's 80th birthday. We had a very close relationship and I miss her everday. Each time I saw her near the end of her life she would whisper in my ear that she wants me to have a baby. She had a stroke and wasn't doing well so it was hard for her to understand that we were trying our best. I wanted nothing more than to have her meet our baby. If she was here now, we would probably be having a celebration at her favorite Chinese restaurant tonight.

Adam and I have a rule that if we don't get chosen for a profiling, then we get Chinese food for dinner. We got Chinese take-out on our first date and it has become a comforting tradition to get us through this process. I don't have to cook while I am sad and we get to have a nice dinner together.

I hope we don't have Chinese tonight. Or, if we do, it's because of a celebration. It would be a pretty fun surprise to show up at my parents' house tonight with Chinese take-out and the best news ever.

We're Being Profiled!!!

I just got a call from the adoption agency about a profiling opportunity!!

The details all sound great. The baby is due May 11.

The expectant mother will be looking at profiles TODAY!

They said we should hear an answer either late today or tomorrow.

I am so nervous!!!

I am trying not to get my hopes up because there are probably a lot of people being profiled for this one.

But, you never know...this could be THE one!

The Upside of a Long Wait

There are many positive things that have come from having a long adoption wait.

(Yeah, I am just as surprised as the rest of you that I am writing this post.)

The first thing is blogging. I would never have started blogging without this wait. Blogging has given me a healthy outlet for my feelings that I used to keep bottled up. Not only has it allowed me to express myself, but it has given me an amazing support system as well. I have met friends I never would have met and I am so thankful to have them. It also lead to blog reading.

I have learned a lot from blog reading. I almost feel as though two years is the amount of time everyone should take to really read and think about adoption before actually adopting. I have come so far from the start of my journey. I have learned so much and my feelings and attitudes have changed so much over time. Just looking at our grids shows how far we have come. Things we would have never been open to in the beginning are not even factors anymore.

This time has strengthened our marriage. I know that if we can get through this, we can get through anything. Many difficult decisions have needed to be made over the last two years and I think we are better prepared to parent as a team because of them.

This wait has also given me time to grieve my infertility. I thought I was "over it" when I began the adoption process. We hadn't done any kind of fertility treatment for a long time and things were kind of in a numb holding pattern. We eventually came to the conclusion that we should begin the adoption process. But in between there wasn't any dealing with the fact that I had those fertility issues. The hysterectomy surgery forced those fertility issues back into my reality. I could no longer think that maybe we would try again after adopting once. If it weren't for the long wait, I don't think I would have grieved the loss of my fertility as thoroughly as I have. I had more issues leftover than I realized.

The wait has also allowed us to buy baby things over time. Buying all new baby stuff is for suckers, haha. There are so many garage sale and craigslist deals that you can get if you look over time. The only new things we have bought are the crib, the pack-n-play, and the car seat. Everything else is used and we have a very full nursery. Baby swing, jumperoo, bouncy seat, toy box, play mat, baby bath, bumbo seat....it's all used, but looks new. We even have a whole dresser full of clothes that look new, but came from garage sales. Most of them were $1. Some of them still have tags on them.

I am definitely not saying I would like my wait to last any longer, but I can admit there are things I have gained from a long wait.

And in case the universe is listening to me right now...... I AM READY TO BE A MOM NOW!!!!

Meatless Monday: Black Bean Burgers with Mango Salsa

It's Meatless Monday!!

This week's recipe is Black Bean Burgers with Mango Salsa

This is a Cooking Light recipe that my sister made while we were visiting her in Boston last month.

Yield: 6 servings (serving size: 1 burger)

Ingredients

2 (15-ounce) cans black beans, rinsed and drained

3/4 cup finely chopped fresh cilantro, divided3/4 cup (3 ounces)

shredded Monterey Jack cheese

1/4 cup panko (Japanese breadcrumbs)

2 teaspoons ground cumin

1 teaspoon dried oregano

1/2 teaspoon sea salt

1/2 medium jalapeño pepper, finely chopped

2 large egg whites

Cooking spray

1 1/4 cups chopped peeled mango (about 1 medium)

3 tablespoons chopped shallots

1 1/2 tablespoons fresh lime juice1 avocado, peeled and chopped

1 garlic clove, minced

6 (2-ounce) whole-wheat hamburger buns, lightly toasted

6 green leaf lettuce leaves

Preparation

1. Preheat oven to 350°.

2. Place black beans in a medium bowl; mash with a fork. Stir in 1/2 cup finely chopped cilantro and the next 7 ingredients (through egg whites). Shape bean mixture into 6 (1/2-inch-thick) patties. Arrange patties on a baking sheet coated with cooking spray. Bake at 350° for 20 minutes, carefully turning once.

3. Combine remaining 1/4 cup cilantro, mango, and the next 4 ingredients (through minced garlic) in a medium bowl. Place a patty on bottom half of each hamburger bun; top each with 1 lettuce leaf, 1/3 cup salsa, and top half of bun.

Lisa's Notes:
 
*Use a potato masher instead of fork to mash the beans.
 
*Definitely toast the rolls. It makes a difference. The burgers are soft, so it's a nice contrast to have a toasted roll. It's also why a big crisp leaf of lettuce is nice.
 
*Personally I would rather have the garlic cooked in the burger than raw in the salsa.
 
*I would use parsley in the burgers instead of cilantro, but that's because I don't really like cilantro.
 
*We left the shallots out because I hate them. I hate anything in the onion family. I don't think hate is a strong enough word. :)

The Day We Met You by Phoebe Koehler

This is my sixth post in a series of posts about adoption themed children's books. If you would like to know more about why I am writing about this topic, go here.
My first post was about A Mother for Choco.

My second post was about Horace.

My third post was about I Wished For You.

My fourth post was about How I was Adopted.

My fifth post was about Todd Parr.

The Day We Met is the story of a couple telling their child about the day they got THE phone call. Every page is another preparation they made. Each thing they did was another expression of love for their baby they hadn't even met yet.

The story ends by saying: "The minute we saw you we knew that we loved you. You felt like the sun shining inside us."

The Day We Met includes an afterword about talking to your child about adoption.