I'm Going To Be An Aunt (And The Whole Bag of Emotions That Comes With That)

My sister is pregnant.

It's funny how long I have prepared myself for this moment. I was once blindsided with my cousin's pregnancy when she was 18. I remember we were at the zoo by the otter exhibit when my mom told me. Maybe hoping I would not have a breakdown since we were in public. It felt like a punch in the stomach. Ever since then I promised myself I would be more mentally prepared for those pregnancy announcements. I knew my sister or brother (well, SIL) being pregnant would be the hardest ones. I tried to toughen up and prepare for those.

When my sister called to tell me, I knew exactly what it was from the first sentence. It was the conversation I had been preparing for for years. My brain was telling me to think rationally and say and do the things we had practiced. To hold in tears until after hanging up the phone. I was actually giving myself a pep talk in my own head before she even really gave her anouncement.

Now let me be clear here....I am not sad about her being pregnant. I am happy for her. I am excited I will be an Aunt for the first time.

So why was I fighting tears?

Because pregnancy announcements are (and always will be) HARD when you are an infertile.

I have gotten good at blocking out pregnancy details from other people. But, I genuinely care about my sister and the baby, so I won't be blocking out details. I will hear them all. Every ultrasound, when the baby starts kicking (I can't even type that without a heavy sigh), when she learns the gender, as she gets bigger, as she prepares for the birth. I will know about it all.

Maybe part of why it will be hard is that I am the older sister. I am 4 1/2 years older than my sister and 5 1/2 years older than my brother. I always went through things first. I am good at the big sister role. But, now my sister will be doing something I have never done. Something I never will do. Something I can't even imagine doing. It's like she has this magical power. Her body can do magic. While mine is broken. Permanently broken.

I already told my mom that the first person who says something like, "This will be your first biological grandchild." will get a punch from me. My mom made it clear the first (verbal) punch would be from her! I know she means it too. There has never been a question that my mom loves Jayden. He is only 6 months old and they already have a special bond with each other separate from me. They both light up when they see each other.

I think it's great Jayden will have a cousin close to his age to play with. (When I finally convince my sister to move back to this state!)

I've already sent her boxes of clothes Jayden has grown out of.

This is all good news.

But of course that infertility monster never goes away. He ruins everything, doesn't he?