The Paper Cut

I got a paper cut a few weeks ago. It's all healed now, but I am still thinking about it.

What's more boring than reading a post about a paper cut, right?

Well, it's more than just a paper cut.

We got a letter from our agency and I got so nervous about what could be inside that I managed to cut my hand while opening the envelope. It's like a forgot how to open mail. As I opened it, I could see that whatever it was, it was written on flower stationary. I got it in my head that it could be a letter from Jayden's birth (first) mother. All this excitement flooded through me as I opened it.

It wasn't anything from her though. It was an invitation to the birth mother celebration that they always have on Mother's Day weekend.

In one of the many letters I've written to Jayden's first mother, I asked if she would feel comfortable sending us a picture that I could add into his scrapbook. Either of her, or her other children, or all of them. Whatever she chose. Then not much longer after that I received a thick envelope from the agency and I was so excited because I thought she had responded. When I opened it, I realized it was a questionnaire about working with the agency. I felt such a huge letdown. I didn't know until after that happened that she never even received my letter asking for pictures. In fact, other than one letter in the first month, all the letters and pictures I have sent have been sitting at the agency unclaimed. She hasn't wanted anymore.

I tried to show my Mom and Adam my paper cut but they just blew it off and didn't pay much attention to me. I don't blame them. It's just a paper cut. But, for me at the time it was a physical representation of what I was feeling inside.

I spend a lot of time reading adoption blogs. Some written by adoptive parents in open adoptions, some written by birth (first) mothers, and some written by adoptees. I have learned a lot from them. And one thing I know for sure is how important open adoption is.

So, how am I supposed to just sit by day after day knowing that there is this really important thing that my son needs...but I can't give it to him? It's completely out of my control.

I know enough about Jayden's birth (first) mother's situation to know that she is busy parenting her other children and that she was already in a difficult place in her life before she even knew about Jayden. I know there are reasons (even if I can't fully understand them) why she is choosing to have a closed adoption. I am sure she has good reasons why she hasn't wanted any of my letters or pictures since the very first month. It's just hard that I can't give my son the open adoption that I know would be healthy for him. And that he possibly has a rougher road ahead of him because of it.

I still have hope someday it will change. I will continue to write those letters to her and share the pictures of her amazing son. And I will continue to tell Jayden what I do know about where he comes from. I hope that at the very least someday he can connect with his siblings.

And I know that every letter that comes from our agency will always make my heart beat a little faster.