Comfortably Numb

This is a hard post for me to write. It's going to leave me feeling very raw and exposed. But, I feel like I have to write about this.

I have been numb for a long time. The rejection that comes with a long wait is hard. After a while, I just shut down. I couldn't deal with the pain. And then the hysterectomy happened and that was really more than I could comprehend. It was so huge and life changing and it happened all within a couple weeks. I focused on missing work and the physical healing and ignored the reality of it.

I work from home. I don't leave the house a lot. We don't ever have money to spend (all extra money goes towards the adoption) so it's easier to just stay home. Getting together with people has become harder and harder for me. I feel uncomfortable. I feel embarrassed about where I am with my life. I watch a lot of television so I don't have to deal with my own life. I eat to make myself feel better. My eating issues and anxiety are strongly linked and I have had a really hard time with it during this wait. It's humiliating for me to talk about this, but it's the truth.

I wanted to get away for the weekend to try and ignore Easter so it would be less painful.

That didn't really work. What it did was force me out of my comfort zone and shove my face in reality.

I wasn't just out in the world. I was out in a major city during a holiday weekend. It was drastically different from what I am used to on a daily basis. There were people everywhere. At the aquarium, I couldn't take a step without running into another person. It felt suffocating. I sat on a bench and just looked at all the people. All the families. It's funny how being surrounded by people can make you feel more alone.

I saw no less than fifty pregnant bellies.

I suppose if you don't want to be reminded that you are childless, the zoo and the aquarium probably aren't the best ways to spend the day. But, that is who Adam and I are. All the things we like to do are child friendly.

Two times at the aquarium I sat down on a bench and then a new mother sat down right next to me to feed their baby. The second time it happened, I actually cried. Like a complete freak I sat there with tears running down my face pretending nothing is wrong.

This trip was a huge dose of reality. It was a major wake up call about how unhappy I am with my life right now. And it made me realize how numb to it all I have been.

I've been feeling things the last couple days and it hasn't been pretty.

One of my best friends will be giving birth any day now. I love her and I will love her baby, but it's still hard. I threw a baby shower for her when she was pregnant with her first child and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I just kept telling myself it will be my turn next. That was three and a half years ago. When she told me she was pregnant, I wasn't even upset. I told myself I would have my baby by the time her baby was born. I was excited about us having babies at the same time. Well, nine months have gone by and I am no closer to having my baby.

The last time we were profiled, the baby was due within two days of my friend's due date. I couldn't get over it. How cool. Our babies would be just days apart. We obviously weren't chosen. And the due date approaching is heartbreaking.

Someone else I know told me that they never want to have children. That they are completely at peace with that decision. Then they found out they are pregnant. She told me this afternoon. I had a minor meltdown. I mean, how can life possibly be this unfair?

Wordless Wednesday: New England Aquarium

The aquarium is built around a huge 4 story coral reef tank. You walk up a ramp that takes you from the bottom of the tank all the way to the surface. My favorite part of the aquarium was when we got to the top of the tank. It was so cool to look down from the surface and see sea turtles, sand tiger sharks, barracuda, stingrays, moray eels and hundreds of colorful reef fishes moving around the tank. You can see one of the sharks in this picture.

If you are wondering what I was wondering, the reason the shark does not eat the fish in the tank is because in the wild this type of shark only eats every couple weeks and in the aquarium they are fed twice a day, so they are not hungry and have no interest in eating the other animals in the tank.

African Penguins

Little Blue Penguin (the smallest type of penguin)

Rockhopper Penguins

80 year old sea turtle

Japanese Sea Nettle

All photographs were taken by my sister Katie. Adam left our cameras plugged in and charging at our house, so we didn't have a camera on our trip. Katie was generous enough to be the photographer and share her pictures.

The Stork

I met a stork this past weekend. In fact, I ran into him just minutes after falling on pavement and cutting my knee open. I figured it was the universe's way of evening things out after the fall. My lucky day. I was finally getting to meet a stork in person.

I asked him where my baby is. I thought maybe there had been a shipping delay.

He wasn't very helpful.

I even took the time to read his sign to see if there was any fine print about baby deliveries.

No such luck. I guess I will keep waiting.

Meatless Monday: Pistachio Crusted Goat Cheese Salad

It's Meatless Monday!!

If you would like more information about why I am doing Meatless Monday, click here.

My sister made this salad for us over the weekend. It's a Cooking Light recipe. It was so yummy, I decided to share it with all of you. You start with whatever kind of mixed greens you feel like using. Then slice seedless red grapes in half and add them. Then form goat cheese into balls, and roll them in chopped pistachios. I had never had goat cheese before, but it turns out I love it. Especially with pistachios and grapes.

You can then add whatever kind of vinaigrette you like and enjoy. :)

Road Trip!

After my sad post about how I can't possibly celebrate another childless Easter, we decided to go away this weekend!!!

We are leaving early tomorrow morning to go to Boston!

It's about a seven hour drive from here. We should get there sometime early tomorrow afternoon and we are coming back on Sunday. It's a short trip, but we have a lot of fun things planned. I'll tell you all about it when we get back!

Time to start packing!!

Meatless Monday

Lately I have noticed a lot of people on twitter and the blogs I read talking about eating vegan or vegetarian.

Jenny from Among The Blooms wrote a post about her goal of eating vegan for a week. NaVe from So Crazy I'm Sane wrote a post about her doctor recommending a vegan diet and how she is trying to find a way to make that work for her. Becca from Liberal Granola Girl's Blog has been talking to her husband about eating vegetarian.

Adam and I have been eating mostly vegetarian for about a year and a half now. We're not perfect with it, but we do it most of the time. Adam is 6'6" and looks like a football player. So much so that strangers come up to him on a regular basis and ask him if he plays football. He was a big meat eater when I met him and I would never have guessed that someday he would be vegetarian. I am really impressed with his dedication to not eating meat. Most days he is the one keeping me on track.

We plan on raising our children vegetarian. I am excited for them because they will grow up enjoying foods like beans, tofu, tempeh, and lots of veggies. It's a lot harder to change the way you eat at age 30.

As a way of keeping myself on track, and helping others that may be interested, my blog will be participating in Meatless Monday. Going completely vegetarian may be something you don't think you can do, but everybody can go meatless one day a week!!


For more information:

Why meatless?
Why Monday?
Vegetarian Resource Group








Every Monday I will write about what we are having for dinner.
 
Today we are going to start out real easy:
 
Yesterday Adam hard boiled organic, cage free/free range eggs and tonight we are having egg salad sandwiches on rolls with lettuce. If I was thinking ahead, I would have bought alfalfa sprouts to put on the sandwiches. We will also be having fresh green beans and I will be steaming them in our vegetable steamer. Oh, and we have a whole pineapple that needs to be cut up so we will probably be having that tonight too.
 
Anybody else having a Meatless Monday??

Easter

Easter is hard for me. Well, I should say being childless at Easter is hard for me.

All holidays are hard, but I feel like Easter is a holiday that really is for children. Easter baskets, egg hunts, coloring eggs, etc. There isn't a lot to do on Easter if you aren't a child and you don't have children. Especially if you don't go to church, and you don't eat ham, haha.

The first Easter I lived with Adam, I filled plastic eggs with candy and hid them all around our apartment. When he woke up he was surprised to find a whole Easter egg hunt just for him. I also bought us Easter baskets and filled his with candy and other surprises. It was fun for the first few years, but then I eventually just felt sad about not having children to do those things for.

Adam being a good sport and coloring eggs with me a few years ago.

Last year I didn't even take out our Easter decorations because it just made me too sad. I decorated eggs with the children I work with, but Adam and I didn't celebrate Easter at all. I told myself I just had to make it through that year and by next year we would have a baby and everything would be different.

Well, another year has gone by and still no baby.

Easter things started showing up in the grocery store a few weeks ago and it has gotten harder and harder to walk past those aisles. I walk by with a knot in my stomach. Hoping I don't cry right there in the store.

I took our Easter baskets out this year. I even bought a few things to fill Adam's basket with. Shh. Don't tell him. ;)

But, what I really want to do is run away. I have off on Friday and I was hoping we could go on a little trip somewhere. I know we don't have the money for it, but I would really like to get away. I have been hinting at it for the past month. It would only be for two or three days, but we've actually never taken a trip longer than three days, and that is really all I need to relax and come back a new person. I could really use that right now.

I think I am going to go do some research and daydream about going somewhere nice....