Letting Go Is Not My Specialty

The background for this post, can be found here.

I couldn't get over the feeling that this whole thing was just a misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion. Surely if we talked it out, she wouldn't pull her kids from coming here over something so small.

Since she refused from the very beginning to talk to me about it at all, I decided to write her a letter. I explained in detail how I went about making the decision to call her. I told her what the daughter told me and why that information made the phone call necessary. That I was following common daycare protocol and it wasn't easy for me. I didn't want to make the call. And I said that it's hard for me to balance the needs of the families I watch with the needs of my own family. I really opened up to her and told her how much her children meant to me and that Jayden loves them. I told her about how well they've gotten into the routine here and told her about some of the things we've been doing. She isn't the one who picks the kids up so she doesn't really know. I thought the letter would help.

I haven't seen her since this all happened. She says goodbye in the driveway in the morning and stays out of view of me and her husband picks up in the afternoon. He has been acting completely normal- talking and playing with Jayden, talking with Adam and I, and acting like we're friends. It's nice to keep things normal and not feel awkward, but it's also hard to carry on like nothing is wrong. While we're laughing about something together I want to scream- YOU ARE RUINING OUR LIFE. It just doesn't sit well with me. The kids take forever to say goodbye to Jayden everyday. Lots of hugs, etc. I don't understand how he can watch that and it not have any impact on what's going on. They're sad saying goodbye for one night but they're going to pull the kids forever? My cheeks are always bright red by the time they leave. This is so hard on me.

I gave them the letter on Tuesday and never got a response. Then on Friday the kids told me they will be going to a new daycare. Logically I guess I knew the letter wouldn't make a difference. When someone is that mean to you they aren't going to change their mind. But, hearing it from the kids was like a punch in the stomach. It hurt so bad. They told me they will be going to the daycare their baby sister goes, which means one less stop for them both in the morning and afternoon. I am sure they are pleased with that and aren't even giving me a second though.

I barely held it together until they got picked up and then I broke down.

When they started here, we talked in detail about it's hard to get new kids mid year so I wanted to be sure they were committed to a full year. (If she wasn't sure, I was going to put an ad in the paper to get one more child.) She knows what this is doing to us. She also knows everything about the other two kids we lost due to their dad losing his job. She knows how serious this is. I just can't believe she would do this. The issue isn't the quality of care her children are getting. Or whether they are happy here. She's mad she didn't get away with sending a sick child here. And because of that she is fine with hurting a family like this. Even after my letter. I just can't get over how mean that is.

I have no control over this so I need to let it go. Letting things go is not my specialty.

I still have another whole week of them coming. Dragging this out is painful. I wish I could afford to tell them to never come back.