Post Christmas Blues

Thank you so much for all the support on this post. It meant a lot to me because the whole situation left me feeling really bad.

I am not usually one for making New Year's resolutions, but this whole thing is forcing us into some major life changes.

Of course all extras like Netflix were cancelled right away. (sad trombone)

Adam has gone back to cutting his own hair like in college days. I'll just be skipping haircuts for the next few months. And my mom is going to cut Jay's hair. (Eek. I'm way too nervous to do it myself.)

We're trying to make meals with whatever we already had in the house. My mom said to think of it like we're on the show 'Chopped' and can only cook with the ingredients they give us. It's not quite as fun as my mom has tried to make it out to be.

No more eating out, ordering in, or short cuts in the kitchen. I have to go back to real cooking from scratch with cheap ingredients. Not easy with a toddler screaming at you while you cook.

My parents are going to have us over once a week for dinner so that will help a little. Plus Jay eats so well when we go there so that will be nice.

Clothes....well, who are we kidding, the budget for that was gone long ago. My clothes are so ratty and old, but I guess that's the benefit of never leaving the house. It doesn't matter what I am wearing. Jay should be good on clothes for a while because he has a bunch of stuff that is too big for him. (Thank goodness for the consignment shop.)

It's not like we've ever been big spenders. I've never had a massage, facial, manicure or pedicure in my life. I don't own nice jewelry. I don't wear make up (with the exception of maybe some foundation every once in a while.) I have a worn out pair of sketchers and one pair of black dress shoes. Yeah, I'm not fancy.

The truth is most of our money goes right into bills. Student loans, our huge adoption loan, credit cards, medical bills, etc. That's what is scary. There is not much more to cut. We're just simply left with not being able to pay our bills. The anxiety around this consumes me.

I haven't had any response from craigslist, but that's not surprising since it's the middle of the school year.

One of the biggest goals for the new year is to fight off depression. This whole thing has left me feeling really bad about myself. Even though I don't think the decision I made was wrong, I still feel bad that they would react so drastically. Like I can be replaced without a second thought.

I've been left with a lot of time to think. And overthink. I wouldn't change staying home to take care of Jayden for anything in the world, but sometimes it's hard to be alone all day with no adult interaction. Adam had off over christmas and now that's he's gone back to work, it feels so lonely here. My siblings were all home for the holidays and now they're gone too. I don't get to leave the house much. I don't even shower everyday. I honestly appreciate everyday I get to spend with Jay. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. But sometimes the day in and day out of trying to get a stubborn toddler to eat and sleep can make someone go crazy. Honestly there are days where my whole life is about getting as much food into Jayden as I can. Now adding in my inability to earn any real income, my self esteem is really taking a hit.

I can't help but think the longer this goes on, the more our chances of ever adopting again are being ruined. Not only are we not saving any money right now, but we're going deeper in debt. I don't know if we're ever going to dig ourselves out of debt enough to start the process again. That breaks my heart. It seems more and more people I know with toddlers are pregnant with their second child.

I'm sorry for the whiny post. Like I've said before, therapy is expensive. Blogging is free.