Adam

Adam pointed out I wrote a post about loving my mom and even one about loving our cat Brinkley, but I have never written about him.  I have thought about writing about him many times. Especially about how supportive he has been through everything. It just feels like such a big post that I kept putting it off.

I have been on a lot of different hormones through the years and it wasn't easy on him or me. I got sick from many of them and he always took care of me. When he had to give me shots, he did it like it was no big deal. He took off from work and sat in the hospital all day everytime I had to have surgery. He went to every single RE appointment we had. He went to countless OB/GYN and oncologist appointments, procedures, biopsies, etc.

The time I had an allergic reaction to the fertility meds and ended up hemorrhaging blood, he took me to the hospital and never flinched at all the blood. It was a lot and it was everywhere. (I ended up losing half of all the blood in my entire body.) He stayed with me the whole time and was calm about it. He acted like it wasn't embarrassing. (Trust me, it was.) I had to be hospitalized for 3 days and he stayed with me the entire time. He is 6' 6" and slept in a chair next to my bed.

When we got married, we laughed at the vows in sickness and health and for richer or poorer. We already knew all about sick and poor. (We actually made up our own vows that we said to each other right before walking down the aisle.) It takes some couples a lifetime to go through all the bad stuff we experienced before we were even married. It was enough to make any sane person want to run away, but he stuck by me. Always there for me and always taking care of me.

I can't wait to see Adam as a father. He had a rough childhood. He is going to be the kind of father his father never was. He has already been reading baby books and talking about all the things he wants to do with our children. I know it's not the same, but seeing the way he is with our cats really shows me what kind of father he is going to be. We took a baby care class together and watching him swaddle a baby doll and learn how to change a diaper made me fall in love with him even more.

I love that we have the same feelings on politics and religion. I know it works for some couples to be opposites, but for me it's important that we have the same basic beliefs. Our love for animals, taking care of the environment, gay rights, etc. There are a few basic things that I am very passionate about and he is just as passionate about it as I am. I love that.

The thing I love most about Adam is that I can completely be myself with him. We have so much fun together. We make up songs, dances, and jokes. Silly stuff that only the two of us would think is funny. We laugh a lot. I never have to worry about how I act. I am completely myself. He's seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. He has unconditional love for me.

When we found out I needed a hysterectomy, he immediately was fine with it. He made it clear I did not need to worry about him in the decision. He is completely happy with our decision to adopt. He said he honestly didn't even want to risk a pregnancy with me. Nothing is normal with my body and he was worried a pregnancy might end with me hemorrhaging and dying. He was always afraid of something happening to me. He was more than happy to say goodbye to the thing trying to kill me. It really helped me to know I didn't need to worry about how I was letting him down by not being able to give birth to our children. He continues to remind me of that.

Now don't get me wrong, we fight. Sometimes a lot. We are both very stubborn and have no problem finding things to fight about. We have been together 9 years and we have had plenty of bad fights.

But, he is absolutely the love of my life and I have no doubt we are meant to be together. I feel lucky to have found him. I know we are a team. Everything we have been through has just made us stronger.

Passing Up an Opportunity

Every once in a while, there will be a situation that fits our grids perfectly and there are no risks or anything to worry about so they will profile us without calling first. That has only happened a couple times. Most of the time, we will get a phone call from our agency and they will go over all the details of the situation with me. They give you a chance to grab a pen and paper and write down all the information. Depending on the risks, sometimes I know I can say yes right away after hearing it all, and sometimes I need to call Adam and then get back to them.

Yesterday I got a call from the agency about a case with a lot of risks. There was one risk in particular that scared me. I told them immediately that out of the long list of risks, that one thing in particular scared me and I would need time to think about it and talk it over with Adam. In our 19 months of waiting (Today makes 19 months that we have been home-study ready and waiting) we have never said no to being profiled.

They said we only have an hour to think it over before they need an answer. I e-mailed the details to Adam at work and he immediately wrote back no. Which he has done before, but I have talked him into it. But this time a little voice inside me was telling me I needed to say no. No matter how desperate I am after a 19 month wait. No matter how heart broken I am after being told just the day before that we were not chosen by another expectant mother. No matter how much I thought about how it's a baby girl due next month. I just had to say no.

It felt devestating to me to make that phone call. To pass up any opportunity.

I almost didn't write about this, but I am writing about our journey to parenthood through domestic adoption and this is a part of the journey. Making the tough decisions. This is not an easy process.

I know it was the right decision for us, but I am sad about it.

An Answer (Although Not the One I Was Hoping For)

I heard from our adoption agency about an hour ago. They said we weren't chosen. The expectant mother picked another couple. They didn't have any information about why the other family was chosen. Sometimes it helps to hear why, but I guess it doesn't matter. There was just something about them that she connected with.

My e-mail isn't working so I am going to wait to tell Adam. I don't want to call him. He's been working 7 days a week with long hours. He hasn't had a day off since the super bowl and just found out this morning that he has to work again this weekend. So, the last thing he needs is me calling him with bad news.

Anyway, I don't really have a lot to say about it. Just feeling heartbroken. Glad I have a couple hours until the kids get off the bus so I have time to cry by myself.

Still Waiting

I survived another week of waiting for an answer about the case we are being profiled for. After racing all around to make our profile changes, I can't believe how long everything has taken. It took a week before they met with the expectant mother and showed her the profiles. Then she took them home to think about it and she still hasn't made a decision. The baby isn't due until April so she has time, but I am going crazy waiting!!

I am hoping for a call with an answer this week.

I am also waiting for an e-mail from the head of the agency. I e-mailed her at the end of last week to ask her for some of our statistics. How many times we have been profiled and how many of those cases ended in real placements for someone. Next month is two years since we started with the agency. They want us to re-register with them, which includes signing paperwork with their new (higher) prices. The new prices are a major problem for us since we took out a loan two years ago so we would be ready and the loan amount is for the old prices. Going forward would require taking out another loan. Before signing paperwork with them again, I feel like they should give us some information about where we are at two years later.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

I love my Mom. She is my best friend. We talk every single day. She is always there for me and talking to her makes everything feel like it's going to be okay.

Today is her birthday and I wish more than anything in the world I could give her a grandchild for her birthday. I know this wait has been just as hard on her as it has been on me. I feel sad about that everyday. We have been waiting for a decision from an expectant mother for a couple weeks now and the whole time in the back of my head I have been thinking about how cool it would be if we were chosen and I could tell her in some fun way on her birthday. (That obviously never happened.) I know the day we are chosen will eventually come and when it does, she is going to be the best grandmother ever.

Happy Birthday, Mom!!! I love you!

My Mom with my sister Katie

My Mom with my sister in law Christy

It's Time For A Baby

I love my baby Brinkley.

We got him around the time I started working from home so he is used to having me around all the time. He cries at the door if I leave. If I lie down, he is there to cuddle with me. He is sitting next to me right now as I type this. When I cook in the kitchen, he watches everything I do like he is learning to cook. If I call his name, he will always come running to see what I want. He is smart, funny, loving and cuddly. If I am having a hard day he will let me hold him for as long as I want. It always helps.

He is really good with the kids I work with. He loves when they are here. He always wants to be in the same room as them. He sits on the table and watches as they do crafts. He will sit in the middle of their village when they are building with blocks. The kids love it.

I love him, love him, love him.

But last night I had a dream that he said his first words and that I was writing about it in his baby book...

I think it's time for a human baby to come!!!

Update

I called our adoption agency a little bit ago and was able to talk to our family advocate and get an update.

The expectant mother has not made her decision yet. She took all the profiles home and she is still looking through them and thinking about it.

So, that is definitely good news. I had been preparing myself for the "you were not chosen" phone call today.

There is still hope.

Holding my breath and hoping for an answer soon....