Well, If My Chart Didn't Say "Crazy" Before, It Does Now

Confession: I have not been back to the gynocologist since my hysterectomy.

I went to my post-op oncology appointment, but that was it.

My gynocologist wrote me a prescription for a year of low dose hormones, but those ran out. And I knew I couldn't get more refills without an appointment (that was long overdue) but I just couldn't bring myself to make an appointment. Just picking up the phone to call filled me with anxiety. So, I put it off.

This afternoon I finally did it. I called for an appointment.

Out of nowhere tears started streaming down my face as I did it. I really wasn't expecting that.

They wanted to know why I was making the appointment and just talking about the hysterectomy stirred stuff up in me. They realized how long it had been and commented on that. I then started babbling on about anxiety and pregnant people sitting in the waiting room. (To a fellow infertile that makes sense. I'm not sure the person on the phone had any idea what I was talking about.)

I asked if I could bring my baby to the appointment because I didn't have anywhere else for him to go. I said he could just sit in his stroller. She asked how old he was and then said it's no problem. That was the end of the conversation.

I hung up and started bawling. There was just so much emotion stirred up in me.

A minute goes by and the phone rings. I saw it was the gynocologist office so I answered it despite my crying. It was the end of the day so I didn't want to risk not being able to call them back and find out what they wanted.

It was another woman this time. She said they wanted to get a little more information as to why I was making the appointment so they knew what kind of appointment to book me for.

But I quickly realized the real reason they were calling is because I freaked them out by saying I have a 10 month old baby. (Which, in hindsight, is a little funny.)

She said "We have no record of you having a baby."

Uh, yeah, I had a hysterectomy a year and a half ago so I obviously did not give birth to my 10 month old.

Meanwhile, by the way, I am full on crying through this whole conversation, so I felt like I had to address the obvious sobs.

I told her I have a lot of anxiety about this appointment. And going back into this office will bring up a lot of old feelings. I used to go there to get pregnant. Now I have no uterus.

She said something about how I am a mother now.

Which is totally valid and I understand her perspective. But, not having been through what I have, she can't fully understand why having a baby doesn't magically make all that pain go away.

Things moved very quickly from infertility patient to cancer diagnosis and radical hysterectomy.

I have not been back there since.

We were well into the adoption process at the time I was diagnosed, but again, that didn't make it any easier.

As I cried and talked about it a little more, she really got it and said it is understandable after everything I have been through.

She asked if I wanted a new doctor, which wasn't AT ALL what I wanted. My doctor was amazing with giving me my diagnosis and talking me through all the surgery decisions when my oncologist was a self absorbed asshat.

She asked if I wanted my doctor to call me before my appointment to check in, which was an amazing offer. I really appreciated that. When my doctor called me with me diagnosis, she actually gave me her cell phone number in case I needed her. She really went above and beyond.

The way this all hit me...just from one phone call to the office...I am worried about going to this appointment. It's going to be so hard.

I feel like I have some sort of infertility post traumatic stress.

Baby In A Bowtie

We finally have an adoption finalization date!!

Once we got the date, I ordered Jayden an outfit to wear to court. It works out well because we have a wedding to go to just two days after our court date so he can wear it to both.

It came yesterday and I immediately tried it on him.

We started with the hat, but that didn't last long on his head.

Baby in a bowtie!!

(Books are better when you read them upside down...and wearing a bowtie.)

We gave the hat one more chance, but it came off right after this.

And I'll leave you with the picture that made me laugh out loud when I saw it...

"Mom, why did you make me dress up in this outfit and then take a hundred pictures of me?"

I Know I Suck

I suck at blogging. I'm sorry.

I have a lot of guilt about it.

I have a lot of guilt about a lot of things. I'm working on it.

I have a bunch of posts bouncing around in my head. Some on adoption. One about finalization. One about my infertility. Some on parenting. A cloth diapering update. A first birthday party planning update.

None of them make it on my blog. They just dance around in my head.

All I manage to do is baby updates. I'm sorry. Especially for those visiting that are fertility challenged...I am truly sorry. (One major area of guilt for me.)

I've also been awful about commenting on all your smart, interesting, funny, insightful blogs. I often barely make it through reading before I have a baby slamming his little hands on my keyboard. Commenting has been tough lately.

I need to do better with my time management. I am sometimes shocked by how little I get done in an average day.

Part of it is exhaustion. I haven't slept a full night since Jay came home from the hospital. He is the best baby in the whole world...I would just love it if he started sleeping through the night.

Anyway, I have lost a couple followers and I want to just acknowledge I suck. I agree with you. I would unfollow me too.

But, if you hang in there, I promise it will get better. It may not happen until September, but it will get better.

:)

When Life Hands You Lemons, Go Out For Pancakes

It was a rough day. There were rumors for months that the local branch of Adam's job would be closing. This morning they were told there would be a big meeting that afternoon to discuss the closings. It was very stressful.

It turns out the surrounding cities have branches closing, but our local branch will remain open. There were layoffs and there are still some concerns, but things are looking better than they were this morning.

We decided to go out for pancakes for dinner because it had been such a hard day.

I was on the fence about whether to get Jayden his own kids meal for the first time.

It's a good thing I did! I ordered him pancakes and fruit and (other than a little bit of pancakes and two chunks of fruit I ate) he finished his meal!

As the waitor was putting down Jayden's plates, Jayden grabbed a pancake right off the plate and started eating!

I had to pull his plates away because he stuffed his cheeks full of food!

Sometimes all it takes is a dinner like this and we are reminded how lucky we are. 

DIY Pacifier

The only time we let Jayden have a pacifier is when he is sleeping- both at night and naps. When he wakes up, we take it from him. He still has some stashed away, like in his toy box. Every once in a while we'll see him walking around with one.

This morning Adam put Jayden in his playroom and we started to get ready for work. He stood at the gate and watched us, like he usually does.

I was a little blurry eyed from just waking up (and Jay keeping me up all night) but I saw he had a pacifier in his mouth. I looked closer and thought it looked really big. I walked over to him and realized it was his rubber ducky.

Since we took his pacifier away, he decided to make his own.

Things Have A Way Of Working Out

I've recently had some turn over with my job. Within the past year and a half two children moved out of the area so they could no longer come here for child care. Another child stopped coming because she turned 12 and her mother decided it was time to let her stay home and get on the bus herself.  Another child had two new siblings added to her family so her mom decided to stay home full time.

I've had a large number of children in the past and I've even had a waiting list at times. I went into this summer with the lowest number of kids I have had since I started. All of them part time.

I was freaked out about it and we had to come up with a plan on how to save money in other areas in order to make it work. Especially since the IRS still hasn't given us our tax return. (Many adoptive families have had this issue. They are still "reviewing" our adoption expenses that we claimed.)

There is a lot of pressure on me when things change and I make less. It is made worse by the fact that I have absolutely no control over it. I lost a lot of sleep over these changes.

We are now almost a month into summer vacation. Despite the decrease in pay...I have to admit....having less kids right now is a blessing in disguise.

Jayden is a high maintanence baby. No doubt about it. He likes it when I am in the room when he naps. (How does he always know?!?!) If I am on the opposite side of a gate from him, he flips out. He still doesn't sleep through the night. He is a needy little one. Which is fine, but it makes 12 hour work days very hard on me.

Having a day or two off during the week is kind of awesome. And I honestly don't know what I would have done if I had to work all day, everyday. I am not sure I would have survived it.

On the days without other kids we can be more flexible with our schedule. We both can catch up on sleep- I sometimes get to take a nap with him and he sleeps longer because there are no big kids around to play with. It also gives us more opportunities to go off on adventures with grandma while she has off from teaching for the summer.

This is one of those situations that seems devestating at first but then as it happens you realize it was exactly what you needed. The universe gave you exactly what you needed when you didn't even know that was what you needed.

It kind of reminds me of our long struggle to start our family. Who knew someday I would look back at it all and be at peace with it and think it worked out and had the best possible outcome.

Maybe there is a little lesson in this for me.

Summer Goals

Summer Goals:

• Survive my sister's baby shower and my family reunion in 93 degree heat. (Note- I melt if it's over 72)
• Organize my craft stuff and finish transforming our back porch into my craft room.
• Finish planning Jayden's 1st birthday party.
• Use all my groupons.
• Learn how to cook all the vegetables we get in our CSA.
• Make time for "date nights" with Adam after Jayden goes to sleep.
• Get caught up on Jayden's scrapbook (which I haven't even started!)
• Teach Jayden more signs.
• Take Jayden to the beach.
• Take Jayden to the water part of the Zoo.
• Get new families to sign up for childcare in the Fall.
• Finalize our adoption!!

What are your summer plans?