A few weeks ago we were called about a baby due in late August. Originally they thought it would be a quick decision, but then the expectant mother took some extra time and I stopped thinking about it because I figured she changed her mind.
Well, just now the agency called to say she made a decision. At first I was confused and thought it was the Nebraska baby. So, they cleared that up with me and then there was silence. So, I was like, "Well, I am guessing it wasn't us that was chosen then?" The whole conversation was very awkward. It was someone new at the agency who called. They actually just started a week ago. After telling us that we were not chosen AGAIN, she began saying things that sounded like she was reading from a script. Not at all comforting. From the things she was saying, you could tell she was not really taking into consideration that we have been waiting a very long 22 months. This is not my first rejection phone call.
I confirmed with her that there is no answer about the Nebraska baby yet. The expectant mother is still deciding.
Honestly, I have had hope and excitment about it all week, but I really don't anymore. I really don't have faith that we will ever be chosen.
I have been completely beaten down by this process. How much rejection can one person take? My gut feeling right now is that I just want to quit so I never have to feel this rejection again.
I am exhausted. I have barely slept this week. I now know we won't have an answer about the Nebraska baby until next week. I am so tired of waiting.
I feel like this process is slowly killing me. I barely even recognize myself anymore.
I am like a crazy person. If you read through my posts, I go from desperate depression to excitment and hope and then back to depression again. How much longer do I have to live like this?
I can barely see the screen through my tears right now and the kids will be here off the bus in a few minutes. I better go pull myself together, put on my pretend happy face, and hope for early picks ups for the kids today.