Monday, May 31, 2010

Hard Weekend

Long holiday weekends have been the hardest part of our wait.

They are a huge reminder of what we don't have.

Families are out having picnics, going on camping trips, having pool parties, and all sorts of other fun family things. It feels so lonely to sit at home not doing anything while you know everyone else is having fun spending time with their family. It is also a reminder of how much I hate that my sister and brother live so far away.

My Mom came over yesterday morning to help me with our garden and she mentioned that there is going to be a big family reunion this summer. I got teary just thinking about having to go to that reunion childless.

Then as the day went on yesterday, I got more and more upset about it. We haven't all been together in years. I can't go to it childless. I just can't do it. Parties like this are big check-ins where we are all supposed to share what has happened with us since we last got together.

I have nothing. The only thing that has changed is that I'm missing organs. Oh, and I gained weight. Maybe we can talk about how fat I am.

We have been trying to start a family for seven years and everybody knows it.

Everybody will be talking about their kids and their awesome lives and then they will ask Adam and I how work is. Nobody will bring the adoption up. That's the big thing I have noticed in the last year. Once you have been waiting a long time, people stop bringing your adoption up. Like it's this shameful thing they don't want to remind you of.

I had a complete breakdown about this last night and pretty much cried myself to sleep.

I feel no better today. Adam is on his way to my parents' house right now to watch a movie with my Dad. I really didn't want to go over. I am hot, sad, and grumpy.

The family reunion is July 17th. It's not going to be a happy time in my life. We will be in the middle of renewing our homestudy AGAIN.

Please...if there is any justice in the world...can our baby find his/her way to us soon? I have tried being patient. I have tried being zen. I have even tried being thankful for the things our long wait has taught us. But, seriously, I don't know how much more I can take. Haven't I waited long enough?

13 comments:

  1. *hugs* Still thinking of you since we chatted on Twitter *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dont be sad, I hope you will have your own child soon. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know exactly how you feel...I avoided baby showers and some other events while I was waiting, I just couldn't face those kinds of celebrations. And even before I started the adoption process, I would often feel left out at parties and events because I was single and childless...I think that's part of why I eventually decided to adopt, it just seemed like I was never going to think of myself as a grown-up until I experienced parenthood.

    ReplyDelete
  4. *hugs* sending huge hugs your way!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am sorry Lisa. You have to decide what will make you comfortable. If you are not comfortable going to the reunion, don't go. I don't know the etiquette involved since I don't have a big family, but I wouldn't. I avoid all situations that make me uneasy or upset. If they are true family they will understand the situation.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh my goodness I spent many a holiday holding my glass of wine close and hanging out with the men to avoid all my cousins and their babies. I'm not going to sugar coat, it IS painful and it does suck. For me, the fertility drugs actually had the opposite effect than most people and I lost a ton of weight. I remember always dressing in a way that my cousins who had baby weight could never do and actually thinking that as I chose the outfit. I was pretty much a bee-ach. Not to sound like a cliche, but when your time comes and you are a mommy all these feelings will sort of evaporate. It's really strange. I'm sorry you have to deal with the famiy gatherings. Try to avoid as many as possible...why cause yourself undue pain and stress?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I truly hope and pray that you aren't waitinglisa when July rolls around <3 You are amazing through all of this and are allowed to have down days. If skipping this family reunion is what you need emotionally, then do it and down feel one ounce of guilt about it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. (*hugs*) I hope your time comes soon.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Saw you on stirrup queen - your post is touching...my thoughts are with you. I feel the same way as you but totally different situaion. Thanks for the output of emotions - makes me feel less alone :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Here from Mel's blog round-up. I can completely identify with this post.

    Ugh to Family reunions, and get togethers with the friends I don't hang out with anymore because they all have kids now. (AND we've been married longer than any of them)

    It sucks and that's all there is too it. I say you plan a weekend getaway for that weekend - buy non refundable tickets for something - anything! The longer I deal with this IF BS, the more I find Self Preservation to be a necessity.

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I just found your blog through Mel. Thank you so much for this post. You have so eloquently captured what I have felt for years about parties and events. I am always on gaurd at these things, waiting for the onslaught of questions or even no questions (becasue that means they have given up on me and my ability have a family). I can understand if you need to not go and I hope your family understands. If you do need to go, I suggest staying close to your husband and having several drinks, works for me.
    Crossing my fingers that your baby gets here soon.

    ReplyDelete