Long holiday weekends have been the hardest part of our wait.
They are a huge reminder of what we don't have.
Families are out having picnics, going on camping trips, having pool parties, and all sorts of other fun family things. It feels so lonely to sit at home not doing anything while you know everyone else is having fun spending time with their family. It is also a reminder of how much I hate that my sister and brother live so far away.
My Mom came over yesterday morning to help me with our garden and she mentioned that there is going to be a big family reunion this summer. I got teary just thinking about having to go to that reunion childless.
Then as the day went on yesterday, I got more and more upset about it. We haven't all been together in years. I can't go to it childless. I just can't do it. Parties like this are big check-ins where we are all supposed to share what has happened with us since we last got together.
I have nothing. The only thing that has changed is that I'm missing organs. Oh, and I gained weight. Maybe we can talk about how fat I am.
We have been trying to start a family for seven years and everybody knows it.
Everybody will be talking about their kids and their awesome lives and then they will ask Adam and I how work is. Nobody will bring the adoption up. That's the big thing I have noticed in the last year. Once you have been waiting a long time, people stop bringing your adoption up. Like it's this shameful thing they don't want to remind you of.
I had a complete breakdown about this last night and pretty much cried myself to sleep.
I feel no better today. Adam is on his way to my parents' house right now to watch a movie with my Dad. I really didn't want to go over. I am hot, sad, and grumpy.
The family reunion is July 17th. It's not going to be a happy time in my life. We will be in the middle of renewing our homestudy AGAIN.
Please...if there is any justice in the world...can our baby find his/her way to us soon? I have tried being patient. I have tried being zen. I have even tried being thankful for the things our long wait has taught us. But, seriously, I don't know how much more I can take. Haven't I waited long enough?