The Paper Cut

I got a paper cut a few weeks ago. It's all healed now, but I am still thinking about it.

What's more boring than reading a post about a paper cut, right?

Well, it's more than just a paper cut.

We got a letter from our agency and I got so nervous about what could be inside that I managed to cut my hand while opening the envelope. It's like a forgot how to open mail. As I opened it, I could see that whatever it was, it was written on flower stationary. I got it in my head that it could be a letter from Jayden's birth (first) mother. All this excitement flooded through me as I opened it.

It wasn't anything from her though. It was an invitation to the birth mother celebration that they always have on Mother's Day weekend.

In one of the many letters I've written to Jayden's first mother, I asked if she would feel comfortable sending us a picture that I could add into his scrapbook. Either of her, or her other children, or all of them. Whatever she chose. Then not much longer after that I received a thick envelope from the agency and I was so excited because I thought she had responded. When I opened it, I realized it was a questionnaire about working with the agency. I felt such a huge letdown. I didn't know until after that happened that she never even received my letter asking for pictures. In fact, other than one letter in the first month, all the letters and pictures I have sent have been sitting at the agency unclaimed. She hasn't wanted anymore.

I tried to show my Mom and Adam my paper cut but they just blew it off and didn't pay much attention to me. I don't blame them. It's just a paper cut. But, for me at the time it was a physical representation of what I was feeling inside.

I spend a lot of time reading adoption blogs. Some written by adoptive parents in open adoptions, some written by birth (first) mothers, and some written by adoptees. I have learned a lot from them. And one thing I know for sure is how important open adoption is.

So, how am I supposed to just sit by day after day knowing that there is this really important thing that my son needs...but I can't give it to him? It's completely out of my control.

I know enough about Jayden's birth (first) mother's situation to know that she is busy parenting her other children and that she was already in a difficult place in her life before she even knew about Jayden. I know there are reasons (even if I can't fully understand them) why she is choosing to have a closed adoption. I am sure she has good reasons why she hasn't wanted any of my letters or pictures since the very first month. It's just hard that I can't give my son the open adoption that I know would be healthy for him. And that he possibly has a rougher road ahead of him because of it.

I still have hope someday it will change. I will continue to write those letters to her and share the pictures of her amazing son. And I will continue to tell Jayden what I do know about where he comes from. I hope that at the very least someday he can connect with his siblings.

And I know that every letter that comes from our agency will always make my heart beat a little faster.

Out And About

Here are some pictures from our recent adventures out and about. The best thing about the good weather is that there is a lot you can do outside for free!

The Beach

The Zoo

He loves music!

Jayden sitting next to his new zoo brick!

 He got it as a 1st birthday present and it was just put in. Adam and I have one too with our wedding date on it. Note- I had to crop the picture so our last name was out of it but you can see part of his name and the otter :)

 

Vroom Vroom

Police Car

I told Jay this is the only time he's allowed in the backseat of a police car!

Ambulance.

Fire truck.

"Are you sure I'm allowed to touch this?"

Of course he had to press all the buttons while still sitting in the seat.

Help In The Garden

I used to spend an entire weekend getting our yard ready to grow vegetables. It would be a lot of really hard work. But, this year I have my two favorite men on the job!

All that is left to do is decide what vegetables to grow this year! The only things I have decided on for sure are tomatoes and basil.



Weekend Adventures

With not having a car for a while because of repairs...and not really leaving the house because leaving the house always leads to spending money we don't have, I had been feeling down. There is only so much time you can spend in your living room before you go crazy.

Adam and I have been going to the drive-in for years. We took Jayden twice last summer and it worked fine because he just slept in my lap, but we knew taking Jayden this year would not work. But, we wanted to go and it's a pretty cheap night out considering you get to see two movies. Plus going to the drive-in has always felt like a mini getaway from life. Between the long drive into the country to get there, the cool evening air,  and walking on rocks, it feels like a little like camping without actually going camping. We bring food and blankets and it's fun. It's exactly what we needed.

In order to go to the drive-in, we needed to leave Jayden at my parents' house. I have left Jayden very few times in his lifetime. I can count on two hands the number of times we have been apart and that's including times he has been home with Adam while I run errands. If everything went well, this would mean leaving him overnight! We made a plan. I would check in with my mom after the first movie and if Jayden was still up, we would leave and come get him. If he was asleep, we would stay for the second movie and pick him up the next morning. I knew it would be tough for him to sleep there because he is used to co-sleeping with us everynight. My mom got him to sleep in the guest bed with her all night so that was a relief.

Before the big sleep over, we took Jay to Chuck E Cheese's for the first time. We had a great time. (Although he did manage to pick up a cold while we were there!)

                                    

He wasn't so sure about it all at first. He covered his eyes when it started moving!

He loved these horses.

Especially looking at himself in the mirror!

 

Signing "again" when the ride ended.

Checking out the big tires.

If you look at that sweet look on his face in the last picture, you will see why I did not want to leave him for a night! But, I knew it would be good for us to get out for a night and I knew he would have a great time at Grandma and Grandpa's house. The funny thing is that it was Adam that was completely freaked out about leaving him. The entire drive to my parents' house he kept going on about how he can't believe I am okay with leaving Jayden for the whole night. I was the one reassuring him!

We went to see The Five Year Engagement and American Reunion. It was a chilly night- somewhere in the mid 30s- but we stayed in the car and had blankets so we were fine. I checked in with my mom and Jay was sound asleep so we decided to stay for the second movie. 

During intermission we turned the car on to get some heat on us after a cold walk to the bathrooms. (My choice of flips flops wasn't very smart...and Adam certainly wasn't smart wearing only a t-shirt and shorts!)

Then we watched most of the second movie before I demanded we leave. It was awful. Commenting on how bad it was wasn't enough for me. I needed to leave. Adam finally agreed and tried to start the car. It wouldn't start. Panic started to set in. We tried to get in the trunk to get jumper cables out but the trunk would not open without the battery working. It doesn't have a key hole (I stood there holding my cell phone as a flash light trying to find a key hole!) and the button to pop it open must depend on the battery. We were freaking out because the movie was getting close to being over and the drive-in building was already closed! The lights were all off and they were gone. Adam was trying to get into the trunk from the inside of the car and I started running around to strangers in their cars asking for help. All of the other movies were over so the lots were empty. There were very few people left around so I was so scared we were just going to be left behind. The drive-in is in the middle of nowhere and we would've been stuck there alone at 1:30 AM.

One car didn't know anything about cars, batteries, or jumper cables. The next car said they would help, but then realized their jumper cables were in their garage and not in the car. I felt like a crazy person knocking on car windows and scaring people. We finally found someone willing to help just as the movie was ending. He drove over and hooked his jumper cables up. But, it didn't work. Over and over again...it didn't work. Adjustments were made....it didn't work. Finally after some teamwork, Adam and I got our jumper cables out of our trunk. They worked! I am so thankful that couple stuck around and helped us!

We were so grateful to have a working car that we celebrated with 2 AM tacos. (There was actually a long wait.) Sometimes you just need tacos. We left the car running the whole time, of course.

The next morning it was so fun to pick Jayden up and see him so happy to see us. We could tell he had a good time. They played with toys until bedtime, he slept with Grandma at night, and then in the morning Grandpa made him monkey pancakes.

As soon as we were in the car, he was fast asleep. My mom fell asleep right after we left too. She said she doesn't know how we get any sleep with him moving around and making noises all night. :)

Twitterversary

This week makes three years that I have been on twitter.

I always roll my eyes when I hear people talk about twitter and say it's where people just post pictures of what they eat and tell boring details of their lives.

I always say if you don't "get" twitter, you are not following the right people.

I love the tweets that show up in my timeline. I get a mix of politics, television, comedy, infertility, and adoption. Everyone has their own mix.

This is really silly, but I first joined twitter when I saw an interview with Matthew Perry on Ellen. I always thought he was really funny and I thought following him on twitter would be fun, so I joined and followed him. (He's not as funny as I had hoped, but I still follow him.)

I went on to find other comedians and funny people to follow that I have enjoyed.

But, it's the average everyday people tweeting about their lives that I love the most.

Now that I am a mother, being able to follow other mothers with children the same age as Jayden has been priceless. Who needs baby books when you can talk to real mothers everyday that are living the same thing? And the mothers with older children are always there to give advice when you tweet a question. It keeps me sane as a stay at home mom. The adult interaction is much needed.

But, before I was ever a mother, I found a community of people that changed my life forever.

The infertility community on twitter is amazing. And it's become huge over the last three years.

When you are an infertile surrounded by fertile people, you always feel like you have to hide so much of your struggle. You can't talk about the "TMI" of infertility. The treatments, the symptoms, the exams, the feelings.

Within the infertile twitter community, no thought is too dark or scary. No symptom or question is "TMI" (too much information) for the rest of us. Anyone can tweet their feelings and it's understood. It's accepted. And you receive comfort.

I get emotional just thinking about everyone's journeys. Our community has seen so much loss. So much pain. So many failed cycles. But we've also seen so many miracle babies born. So many families made. I've cried for my friends in the community through both the bad and the good.

I have made friends for life in this community. People I can go to with any problem. People that are always there for me no matter what. I completely credit them with getting me through my cancer diagnosis. I honestly don't know if I could have gotten through it without them. And when we adopted Jayden, the excitement came pouring in. I get chills just thinking about it.

I am so proud to call myself a part of this community of strong, amazing women.

And Then Things Got Worse

As you know, we've been in a tough financial position since I lost four of the kids I was watching. We've been going week by week just trying to get by and pay our bills. No extra spending. The only reason we've even made it this far is because we got a portion of our tax return. (We're still waiting for the adoption tax credit portion that we need to pay back our adoption loan.)

It's been tough. And nothing makes a marriage more rocky than the stress that comes from real financial problems. We've been fighting more and everything feels just so much harder.

Then over the weekend we got pulled over for having an expired inspection. I lost it. I was mad at Adam for not getting the inspection done. He kept putting it off saying we didn't have the money for it, but I warned him if we got a ticket that would be even more money we don't have. So, when we got the ticket, I had a breakdown. Tickets are so expensive and it's like just giving money away.

We made sure to get the car in for an inspection as soon as possible.

The night before the car was looked at Adam was joking around and asked what I would do if it needed expensive repairs. We had a good laugh over how that would really be the last straw. But, I didn't even think twice about it because that is our good car. My car is the one I won't even let Jayden go in because it needs so much work. Adam's car would only need maybe one or two minor things.

Then I got an e-mail from Adam at work the next day that said the repairs required to pass inspection will be about $1,000. I wrote back that's it's not funny. No response. I started to get nervous and wonder if he could be serious. I called to yell at him for making me worry with his joke...but it was no joke.

I called the mechanic myself to go over everything. I full on cried on the phone. (So embarrassing!) I told them not to do anything because we would not be able to pay them at the end of it. He said he would run some more diagnostics and then give me a firm amount we will owe so we could decide what to do.

He was really nice about the whole thing but basically there was no way it woud be less than $900. He offered to keep the car for a while, but that really doesn't help since we will be in the same financial position next week...and the week after. And that is the only car we drive Jayden anywhere in and it has his car seat.

After a lot of talking and going over our finances, we made a plan. It's not a great one. It's puts us much deeper in the hole we were already in, but we have a plan.

I am just so tired of this all. I hate living like this. Someone that already has a problem with anxiety does not do well when there are real money problems to deal with on a daily basis. I worry so much.

As I type this I can hear Adam driving down the street in my car. (He's coming home early so we can pick his car up before the mechanic closes.) Yes, I can actually hear him coming from the other end of the street. That's how awful the car is. Sometimes you just have to laugh at it all, right?

The one positive in this car situation is that Adam and I handled it as a team. No fighting. Just working together to decide what to do. I hope this is a good turning point. We've been a team through infertility, cancer, and adoption. We need to get back to that.

Easter As A Mom

As I've written before, Easter was always the hardest holiday for me to handle childless. For many years I made Adam search for plastic eggs when he woke up Easter morning. The above picture is Adam being a good sport about coloring eggs with me. I always felt like Easter was for children and it was really hard to celebrate without a child.

Of course, all those painful Easters mean than the good ones now are even more special.

We took Jayden to the mall to meet the Easter Bunny and it was even more fun than I expected. And he did so well! My parents went with us and I think everyone had a great time.

Jayden got an Easter card from Aunt Christy and Uncle Eric, which he had a good time playing with.

On Easter morning, my parents came over to see Jayden get his Easter basket and do an egg hunt. I think I may have had even more fun than Jayden did.  

I wasn't sure how Jayden would do with an Easter egg hunt, but he loved it. He totally understood that he was supposed to be searching for eggs and putting them in a basket. Then he got to open them and find all his treats like cheddar and graham bunnies.

Later in the day we went to dinner at my parents' house and Jayden wore his Easter suit.

The suit was cute while it lasted :)

 

This Easter was what I always dreamed of all those years I waited to be a mother. I'm so thankful I get to be Jayden's mom.