I got a paper cut a few weeks ago. It's all healed now, but I am still thinking about it.
What's more boring than reading a post about a paper cut, right?
Well, it's more than just a paper cut.
We got a letter from our agency and I got so nervous about what could be inside that I managed to cut my hand while opening the envelope. It's like a forgot how to open mail. As I opened it, I could see that whatever it was, it was written on flower stationary. I got it in my head that it could be a letter from Jayden's birth (first) mother. All this excitement flooded through me as I opened it.
It wasn't anything from her though. It was an invitation to the birth mother celebration that they always have on Mother's Day weekend.
In one of the many letters I've written to Jayden's first mother, I asked if she would feel comfortable sending us a picture that I could add into his scrapbook. Either of her, or her other children, or all of them. Whatever she chose. Then not much longer after that I received a thick envelope from the agency and I was so excited because I thought she had responded. When I opened it, I realized it was a questionnaire about working with the agency. I felt such a huge letdown. I didn't know until after that happened that she never even received my letter asking for pictures. In fact, other than one letter in the first month, all the letters and pictures I have sent have been sitting at the agency unclaimed. She hasn't wanted anymore.
I tried to show my Mom and Adam my paper cut but they just blew it off and didn't pay much attention to me. I don't blame them. It's just a paper cut. But, for me at the time it was a physical representation of what I was feeling inside.
I spend a lot of time reading adoption blogs. Some written by adoptive parents in open adoptions, some written by birth (first) mothers, and some written by adoptees. I have learned a lot from them. And one thing I know for sure is how important open adoption is.
So, how am I supposed to just sit by day after day knowing that there is this really important thing that my son needs...but I can't give it to him? It's completely out of my control.
I know enough about Jayden's birth (first) mother's situation to know that she is busy parenting her other children and that she was already in a difficult place in her life before she even knew about Jayden. I know there are reasons (even if I can't fully understand them) why she is choosing to have a closed adoption. I am sure she has good reasons why she hasn't wanted any of my letters or pictures since the very first month. It's just hard that I can't give my son the open adoption that I know would be healthy for him. And that he possibly has a rougher road ahead of him because of it.
I still have hope someday it will change. I will continue to write those letters to her and share the pictures of her amazing son. And I will continue to tell Jayden what I do know about where he comes from. I hope that at the very least someday he can connect with his siblings.
And I know that every letter that comes from our agency will always make my heart beat a little faster.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Here are some pictures from our recent adventures out and about. The best thing about the good weather is that there is a lot you can do outside for free!
He loves music!
Jayden sitting next to his new zoo brick!
He got it as a 1st birthday present and it was just put in. Adam and I have one too with our wedding date on it. Note- I had to crop the picture so our last name was out of it but you can see part of his name and the otter :)
I told Jay this is the only time he's allowed in the backseat of a police car!
"Are you sure I'm allowed to touch this?"
Of course he had to press all the buttons while still sitting in the seat.
Friday, May 11, 2012
I used to spend an entire weekend getting our yard ready to grow vegetables. It would be a lot of really hard work. But, this year I have my two favorite men on the job!
All that is left to do is decide what vegetables to grow this year! The only things I have decided on for sure are tomatoes and basil.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
With not having a car for a while because of repairs...and not really leaving the house because leaving the house always leads to spending money we don't have, I had been feeling down. There is only so much time you can spend in your living room before you go crazy.
Adam and I have been going to the drive-in for years. We took Jayden twice last summer and it worked fine because he just slept in my lap, but we knew taking Jayden this year would not work. But, we wanted to go and it's a pretty cheap night out considering you get to see two movies. Plus going to the drive-in has always felt like a mini getaway from life. Between the long drive into the country to get there, the cool evening air, and walking on rocks, it feels like a little like camping without actually going camping. We bring food and blankets and it's fun. It's exactly what we needed.
In order to go to the drive-in, we needed to leave Jayden at my parents' house. I have left Jayden very few times in his lifetime. I can count on two hands the number of times we have been apart and that's including times he has been home with Adam while I run errands. If everything went well, this would mean leaving him overnight! We made a plan. I would check in with my mom after the first movie and if Jayden was still up, we would leave and come get him. If he was asleep, we would stay for the second movie and pick him up the next morning. I knew it would be tough for him to sleep there because he is used to co-sleeping with us everynight. My mom got him to sleep in the guest bed with her all night so that was a relief.
Before the big sleep over, we took Jay to Chuck E Cheese's for the first time. We had a great time. (Although he did manage to pick up a cold while we were there!)
He wasn't so sure about it all at first. He covered his eyes when it started moving!
He loved these horses.
Especially looking at himself in the mirror!
Signing "again" when the ride ended.
Checking out the big tires.
If you look at that sweet look on his face in the last picture, you will see why I did not want to leave him for a night! But, I knew it would be good for us to get out for a night and I knew he would have a great time at Grandma and Grandpa's house. The funny thing is that it was Adam that was completely freaked out about leaving him. The entire drive to my parents' house he kept going on about how he can't believe I am okay with leaving Jayden for the whole night. I was the one reassuring him!
We went to see The Five Year Engagement and American Reunion. It was a chilly night- somewhere in the mid 30s- but we stayed in the car and had blankets so we were fine. I checked in with my mom and Jay was sound asleep so we decided to stay for the second movie.
During intermission we turned the car on to get some heat on us after a cold walk to the bathrooms. (My choice of flips flops wasn't very smart...and Adam certainly wasn't smart wearing only a t-shirt and shorts!)
Then we watched most of the second movie before I demanded we leave. It was awful. Commenting on how bad it was wasn't enough for me. I needed to leave. Adam finally agreed and tried to start the car. It wouldn't start. Panic started to set in. We tried to get in the trunk to get jumper cables out but the trunk would not open without the battery working. It doesn't have a key hole (I stood there holding my cell phone as a flash light trying to find a key hole!) and the button to pop it open must depend on the battery. We were freaking out because the movie was getting close to being over and the drive-in building was already closed! The lights were all off and they were gone. Adam was trying to get into the trunk from the inside of the car and I started running around to strangers in their cars asking for help. All of the other movies were over so the lots were empty. There were very few people left around so I was so scared we were just going to be left behind. The drive-in is in the middle of nowhere and we would've been stuck there alone at 1:30 AM.
One car didn't know anything about cars, batteries, or jumper cables. The next car said they would help, but then realized their jumper cables were in their garage and not in the car. I felt like a crazy person knocking on car windows and scaring people. We finally found someone willing to help just as the movie was ending. He drove over and hooked his jumper cables up. But, it didn't work. Over and over again...it didn't work. Adjustments were made....it didn't work. Finally after some teamwork, Adam and I got our jumper cables out of our trunk. They worked! I am so thankful that couple stuck around and helped us!
We were so grateful to have a working car that we celebrated with 2 AM tacos. (There was actually a long wait.) Sometimes you just need tacos. We left the car running the whole time, of course.
The next morning it was so fun to pick Jayden up and see him so happy to see us. We could tell he had a good time. They played with toys until bedtime, he slept with Grandma at night, and then in the morning Grandpa made him monkey pancakes.
As soon as we were in the car, he was fast asleep. My mom fell asleep right after we left too. She said she doesn't know how we get any sleep with him moving around and making noises all night. :)