The Paper Cut

I got a paper cut a few weeks ago. It's all healed now, but I am still thinking about it.

What's more boring than reading a post about a paper cut, right?

Well, it's more than just a paper cut.

We got a letter from our agency and I got so nervous about what could be inside that I managed to cut my hand while opening the envelope. It's like a forgot how to open mail. As I opened it, I could see that whatever it was, it was written on flower stationary. I got it in my head that it could be a letter from Jayden's birth (first) mother. All this excitement flooded through me as I opened it.

It wasn't anything from her though. It was an invitation to the birth mother celebration that they always have on Mother's Day weekend.

In one of the many letters I've written to Jayden's first mother, I asked if she would feel comfortable sending us a picture that I could add into his scrapbook. Either of her, or her other children, or all of them. Whatever she chose. Then not much longer after that I received a thick envelope from the agency and I was so excited because I thought she had responded. When I opened it, I realized it was a questionnaire about working with the agency. I felt such a huge letdown. I didn't know until after that happened that she never even received my letter asking for pictures. In fact, other than one letter in the first month, all the letters and pictures I have sent have been sitting at the agency unclaimed. She hasn't wanted anymore.

I tried to show my Mom and Adam my paper cut but they just blew it off and didn't pay much attention to me. I don't blame them. It's just a paper cut. But, for me at the time it was a physical representation of what I was feeling inside.

I spend a lot of time reading adoption blogs. Some written by adoptive parents in open adoptions, some written by birth (first) mothers, and some written by adoptees. I have learned a lot from them. And one thing I know for sure is how important open adoption is.

So, how am I supposed to just sit by day after day knowing that there is this really important thing that my son needs...but I can't give it to him? It's completely out of my control.

I know enough about Jayden's birth (first) mother's situation to know that she is busy parenting her other children and that she was already in a difficult place in her life before she even knew about Jayden. I know there are reasons (even if I can't fully understand them) why she is choosing to have a closed adoption. I am sure she has good reasons why she hasn't wanted any of my letters or pictures since the very first month. It's just hard that I can't give my son the open adoption that I know would be healthy for him. And that he possibly has a rougher road ahead of him because of it.

I still have hope someday it will change. I will continue to write those letters to her and share the pictures of her amazing son. And I will continue to tell Jayden what I do know about where he comes from. I hope that at the very least someday he can connect with his siblings.

And I know that every letter that comes from our agency will always make my heart beat a little faster.

I Am Not An Adoption Expert

I don't write about adoption a lot. The biggest reason for that is that I am not an expert. March will make three years since we started the adoption process, but I am still a rookie. I am in no position to be teaching others about adoption.

We are fortunate that we worked with an agency that put an emphasis on education. We had five weeks of classes where things like how to decide which situations to be profiled for, risk factors and special needs, transracial adoption, and open adoption were all covered. We had many opportunities to talk to adult adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive families of all kinds. We were also responsible for getting just as many credits outside of the classroom by reading books, watching videos, going out in to the community, taking online classes, etc.

Even after we were homestudy approved, I spent my two year wait reading and learning. A few blogs that I learned a lot from are Production, Not Reproduction, See Theo Run, and Inventing My Life. Following all the links Liz (Inventing My Life) provides to other blogs and articles is an excellent way to educate yourself.

But, I still consider myself a rookie who has a lot to learn.

One thing I know is that as a rookie, I need to know when to keep my mouth shut and listen. I need to spend this time learning from others. I have so much to learn from birth mothers, adult adoptees, and adoptive mothers who have been parenting longer than I have. When I go out in public, the only comments I get are how cute Jayden is. I don't really know what's it's like to live as a transracial adoptive family. My experiences in open adoption are also extremely limited and I can't get enough of other people's blogs about their beautiful, sometimes complicated, open adoptions. I want to spread the word about open adoption, but all I can do is point you in the direction of people who have stories to tell.

So, when I come across blogs written by people who have absolutely no experience in the adoption world, but write as if they are teaching people, it burns me up inside. Especially when they include a bunch of strung together stereotypes and myths about adoption.

Lately I have been seeing posts about IVF vs. adoption popping up. I don't know when they came into competition with each other, but there are some hurtful posts out there. With some scary and false information about adoption.

I have absolutely nothing against people choosing to do IVF. In fact, the timing of this is funny because I happen to have multiple friends doing IVF either this month or next. I am happy/scared/excited/hopeful for all of them. I am a huge cheerleader for their IVF cycles. One of them is my cousin, whose mother passed away in the middle of her first IVF cycle. She has been saving up for a year to try it again. I think of them everyday and hope, hope, hope it results in a miracle baby.

The thing I have a problem with is bashing adoption in order to justify your decision to do IVF. It's really not necessary.

So, despite being hesitant to write about adoption, I am going to do it in my next post when I address some of the comments that have been made about adoption.