Twitterversary

This week makes three years that I have been on twitter.

I always roll my eyes when I hear people talk about twitter and say it's where people just post pictures of what they eat and tell boring details of their lives.

I always say if you don't "get" twitter, you are not following the right people.

I love the tweets that show up in my timeline. I get a mix of politics, television, comedy, infertility, and adoption. Everyone has their own mix.

This is really silly, but I first joined twitter when I saw an interview with Matthew Perry on Ellen. I always thought he was really funny and I thought following him on twitter would be fun, so I joined and followed him. (He's not as funny as I had hoped, but I still follow him.)

I went on to find other comedians and funny people to follow that I have enjoyed.

But, it's the average everyday people tweeting about their lives that I love the most.

Now that I am a mother, being able to follow other mothers with children the same age as Jayden has been priceless. Who needs baby books when you can talk to real mothers everyday that are living the same thing? And the mothers with older children are always there to give advice when you tweet a question. It keeps me sane as a stay at home mom. The adult interaction is much needed.

But, before I was ever a mother, I found a community of people that changed my life forever.

The infertility community on twitter is amazing. And it's become huge over the last three years.

When you are an infertile surrounded by fertile people, you always feel like you have to hide so much of your struggle. You can't talk about the "TMI" of infertility. The treatments, the symptoms, the exams, the feelings.

Within the infertile twitter community, no thought is too dark or scary. No symptom or question is "TMI" (too much information) for the rest of us. Anyone can tweet their feelings and it's understood. It's accepted. And you receive comfort.

I get emotional just thinking about everyone's journeys. Our community has seen so much loss. So much pain. So many failed cycles. But we've also seen so many miracle babies born. So many families made. I've cried for my friends in the community through both the bad and the good.

I have made friends for life in this community. People I can go to with any problem. People that are always there for me no matter what. I completely credit them with getting me through my cancer diagnosis. I honestly don't know if I could have gotten through it without them. And when we adopted Jayden, the excitement came pouring in. I get chills just thinking about it.

I am so proud to call myself a part of this community of strong, amazing women.

Thankful

Yesterday somebody commented on my blog post from a year ago and it made me go back and read it. I really liked it, so I am going to post it again. I remember how truly thankful I felt as I wrote this list. What a difference a year can make.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I am Thankful

I am thankful for Adam. We have been through a lot in the past nine years and he has been amazing through it all. He deserves his own post.

I am thankful for my cats. I love my babies so much.

I am thankful that my family can get together and have a really good time together. Interesting conversations, lots of laughter, and so much fun. I am really looking forward to all of us being together at Christmas.

I am thankful that my parents live only 20 minutes away and we see them on a regular basis. I am also thankful that Adam enjoys spending time with my parents.

I am thankful for my doctor. She was stuck giving me my biopsy results over the phone, but she did a good job. She gave me her personal cell phone number to call her if I needed to talk about it more. How many doctors are willing to do that? Then she sat down and talked to me right before my D&C surgery and made sure I was okay. I had tears streaming down my face during the entire conversation, but she made me feel like I would be okay no matter what happened next. She is really supportive and I feel like she is doing everything she can for me.

I am thankful that we have medical insurance. We are very lucky.

I am thankful that I was able to start a business from home so when our baby comes, I will be home with him/her.

I am thankful for all the parents and children I work with. They are really good people. I am lucky.

I am thankful that I have a mom that I can tell anything to and who is always there for me. She is my best friend.

I am thankful for my adoption friends. It is so nice to have people who really understand. They are so supportive and even though they have already adopted, they are still there for me. They are still giving me pep talks and reminding me that my time will come.

I am thankful for our house. It took us a long time to save up and buy a house. It's not big or fancy, but I would not trade it for any other house in the world. I love it.

I am thankful for all my twitter friends. So much love and support. So many laughs. I love you all.

I am thankful for Facebook for helping me keep in touch with old friends. Even if it is sometimes hard to look at baby bumps, sonograms, and birth announcements everyday.

I am thankful for my TiVo. I love it. I am sorry if that is too materialistic, but I do. Also, my lap top.

I am thankful that my sister and brother married awesome people. And that all 6 of us can get together and have the BEST time together. I just wish it could happen more often!!

I am thankful that Adam and I chose adoption. That we are homestudy approved and it's only a matter of time before our baby finds us.

Forever Infertile

Colic sucks.

Not in a "Gee, I miss sleeping all night" kind of way. In a "I don't know what the hell is wrong with my baby and I am scared to death" kind of way.

Yes, the sleep deprivation is hard. I know right now some of you are rolling your eyes and saying you would give anything to be able to lose sleep because you are taking care of a baby. I get it. I really do. But, serious sleep deprivation over days and weeks gets really bad. You start to realize your brain isn't working the way it should. I had moments where I realized I did something but had no memory of doing it.

But, it's not really the sleep deprivation that is the worst part. It's being scared because you don't know what's wrong. You have gone down the list of possible things and your baby is still crying. And it goes on for hours. For weeks he would cry from about 9PM to 6AM and anytime we figured out something that would stop the crying, it would only be temporary. It makes you feel awful. You know he's in pain but there is nothing you can do.

But, anytime I sent out a tweet saying anything about it or mentioned it on my blog, I could feel the infertile community hating me. (Everyone was nothing but supportive, it was all in my head.)

I waited so long that it was my job to just shut up and be grateful. I shouldn't complain. Everything should be perfect all the time. (For the record, I would not trade a single sleep deprived second with Jayden for anything else in the world.)

I swore I would never write a post apologizing to everyone still waiting to start their family. I know a lot of people do, but I felt like I paid my dues and if I still didn't have a baby after everything I have been through, then that would be more depressing than anything. If I was just starting out in the IF world and saw someone like me waiting and waiting for over 7 years, it would depress me. On the other hand, it would give me hope to see someone finally start their family after all this time. After all, if a girl with no uterus can start her family, anyone can, right?

But, alas, I do feel guilty. I love all of you so much that it breaks my heart that so many of you are struggling.

I am a forever infertile.

So, I am sorry if my new baby posts upset any of you. I really am. And I am sorry if me talking about colic makes you want to hit me.

In case you were wondering though, he is doing so much better. We switched his formula AGAIN and it seems to be working. It's such a huge relief. Not because I am finally getting some sleep, but because he is happier and healthier. Just look at that video in my previous post. His smiles say it all.

Three Cats and a Baby

I put it off for over a month, but I have finally changed my blog name. It wasn't easy. It's hard to give up being Waiting Lisa. She was my identity for so long.

Writing the "About Me" brought me to tears. To actually see, in writing, a happy ending to all our struggles made me emotional.

I'm glad each of the cats have their own picture on the blog now. I love them so much.

And of course our sweet baby Jayden. He's only been with us 5 weeks, but I could not imagine life without him. I am at peace with how long we had to wait to start our family because our journey led us to Jayden.

Thank you so much to all of you who were there for me while I was Waiting Lisa. I am so lucky to have so many amazing friends.

One Week

Jayden is sleeping so I really should be sleeping too. He seems to have his days and nights mixed up and likes to stay up all night. Sleep around here is hard to come by.

But, I just wanted to write a few of my thoughts down.

When they brought him into the room at the hospital for the first time, he was in his little hospital bassinet and screaming up a storm. We had been in this little hot room for a long time and I was so anxious to see him. I asked if it was okay if I picked him up. They said yes and as soon as I did, he snuggled into my chest and stopped crying. That is the moment I fell in love with him. Everyday that feeling grows stronger. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like my heart will burst.

I know this is cliche to say, but he was worth the wait. I would wait another two years if I had to in order to be with him. If I had gotten pregnant or if we adopted quickly, we would not have Jayden.

Things were really scary the first night. I am so grateful my Mom spent the night. As we get to know him better, things get easier. Of course we're not sleeping, but I think I am on some sort of newborn high because it doesn't really bother me. I mean, I get waves of complete exhaustion, and sometimes I do dumb things that remind me I am sleep deprived, but overall, I guess I am surprised at how little sleep I actually need!

I love that my Mom comes over after work everyday to see Jayden. It means so much to me that she loves him so much. She sent me a text five minutes after leaving the morning after she slept over that said she misses us already. One morning on her way to work she sent me a text saying she has Jayden fever. Both my parents have posted cute facebook statuses and lots of pictures. Jayden and my Dad had a special photo shoot. I will share those pictures in my next post! Their love and excitement reminds me that the long wait was just as hard on them as it was on us.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about Jayden's first Mom, but I have decided not to write about them here. I plan on doing it with pen and paper and putting it away somewhere special. I will just say that there is a very special place in my heart for her and I am thinking of her everyday. I wish we had a chance to meet. I will be sending letters and pictures every month to the agency that she can choose to receive at anytime. I have also said if she ever wants more contact than that, I would love to arrange something.

I am amazed at what a good father Adam is. He had never even held a baby before Jayden. He is an expert at diaper changes. Jayden HATES having his diaper changed and always screams, but Adam stays cool and gets in done a whole lot quicker than I do. Everytime he looks at Jayden, I can see the love in his eyes. Sometimes when we finally get Jayden to sleep and should be sleeping ourselves, we lay in bed talking about all the things we love about him.

To those of you who sent gifts, you all made me cry. Your kindness will always be remembered. Getting packages in the mail has been so much fun and as we open them, I tell Adam and my parents all about each of you. They have loved hearing about all your stories. We have had so much fun reading all the beautiful messages on Baby Shower for Lisa! that I have decided to make it into a book. Someday Jayden can see how loved he was by people all across the country with big hearts. I am working on writing an individual thank you to each of you. It's taking longer than I would like, but I will get there. I appreciate all of your friendship so much.

Adam is on the verge of grounding me if I don't get off the computer and eat some dinner. Somehow eating and sleeping just don't seem important to me anymore! It's been nice being able to blog for a short time though. Oh, and it may take me a while, but I will be back to blog reading before you know it! (I hope. I miss you guys!!!)

It's been one week with my baby boy. I love him so much.

Raffle

I have been meaning to thank Christa from Fearlessly Infertile for her post about our garage sale fundraiser. Thank you, Christa!

Both Christa and Katie from from IF to when have encouraged me to extend our raffle to online. Since the raffle drawing will not be until August 21st, I decided to go ahead and do it.

The prizes are:

$25 toysRus Gift Card

A membership to the Seneca Park Zoo

A gift basket from Bath & Body Works
(Everything in it is warm vanilla sugar scented.)

One night stay at Comfort Inn West on Ridge Road in Rochester, NY
(Breakfast the next morning is included.)

Mary Kay Gift Basket

$20 Gift Card for AMC theaters

The raffle tickets are $2 each, 3 for $5.

If you are interested, you can pay using the chip in on the side of my blog, then just let me know which raffle(s) you would like to put your ticket(s) in. You can let me know in this comment section, send me a direct message on twitter, or leave me a note in the comment section that you would like me to e-mail you.

Thank you!! :)

Success!

My weekend was so exhausting I have been too tired to even blog about it!

We had our big garage sale/bake sale/raffle adoption fundraiser over the weekend. It was a lot of work, but absolutely worth it.

Going into this fundraiser, there was an amount that I secretly hoped we would reach, but never really thought we would. Let's just say we exceeded that amount...on the first day!! The fundraiser was a huge success.

As amazing as the financial success was, the love and support we received blew me away.

Some people came that I have not seen since high school. They knew about it from facebook and made the effort to come and support us.

There were families that saw our ad in the newspaper so they knew it was an adoption fundraiser and took the time to come and share their own adoption stories. I met one woman who has eleven children, five of them adopted. A birth mother in an open adoption also came. I met so many amazing people.

There were even families from our own adoption agency who came. Someone who waited two years and two months with our agency gave me a pep talk that was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Another woman who adopted from our agency three times came with her five year old daughter. She told her daughter that I have been waiting two years and she said, "Her baby must be very special." We all had tears in our eyes after hearing that.

Overall it was one of the best weekends of my life.

Yes, we received much needed money for our homestudy renewal, but it was so much more than that.

I have a list a mile long of thank you cards to write. People who baked things to sell, people who donated items to sell in the garage sale, people who donated money and bought raffle tickets, people who bought items to be raffled off, people who bought newspaper ads for us...the list goes on and on.

Then there are the core people who we literally could not have done this without. The people who did the physical work and put in the long hours. My family was awesome- my Mom, my Dad, my sister and brother in law (who drove all the way home from Boston to help.) Then there was @melachrino and @creepygroovy who worked so incredibly hard and spent a crazy number of hours there. I am forever grateful for their help. I absolutely do not know what I would have done without them.

A special thank you goes to @nicoleella10 who has been my friend for twenty years and played a major role in making our fundraiser as big as it was. She is the one who came up with the raffle idea and donated a zoo membership to raffle off. Her father baked cakes, her mother put information about our fundraiser in their church bulletin, which led to other donations. Nicole and her family made this bigger than just your average garage sale adoption fundraiser.

Adam and I are both so grateful for everything.

We have an amazing story to tell our baby someday.

Adoption Fundraiser Sign Making Party

I am so thankful for all the generous donations that have been made for our adoption fundraiser. It's been a huge reminder of how lucky we really are.

Last night @melachrino, @creepygroovy, @kfelluca, and my Mom came over our house to work on signs. We had a great time doing it and I am excited about all the awesome signs that were made. I did some photoshop scribbling over the address so I could share pictures of some of the signs that were made.

We have had some incredible donations of things to raffle off. More information on that to come!

No, Lilly is not for sale, although after her big escape the other night, Adam would like to consider it.

HUGE thank you to @melachrino, @creepygroovy, @kfelluca, and my Mom for all their hard work last night. A special thank you to @melachrino for her donation of all the sign making supplies!

Help!! Please :)

I am feeling very overwhelmed this week. On top of working eleven hours a day, we are trying to put together an adoption fundraiser, make changes to our profile, take out another adoption loan from our bank, and this weekend is my family reunion so I am going to be baking/decorating a lot of cupcakes.

We also have an appointment this week to look at a house. As if I didn't have enough stress, Adam thinks we should put an offer in on a new house. He's been obsessed with this house for months and the price just went down. I agreed to go look at it. I honestly have no intention of moving from this house for a long time.

Tillie from A Nuttier Life is helping us change our profile and is doing an amazing job. I am very excited about the changes. I don't know what I would do without her help.

I am now looking for some help from all of you. Please :)

We are looking for a quote to go on our cover under our names. I am thinking maybe something about family?

If you know of any good quotes (or maybe even a short poem) that would make sense for the cover of an adoption profile, please leave them in the comment section.

THANK YOU!!

Support

We went to the drive in last night. I figured it would do us some good to get out. We always have fun when we go to the drive-in. And, hey, if I end up crying, at least I'll be in my own car! We saw Karate Kid and The Bounter Hunter. Karate Kid was the compromise movie. I sit through that and then Adam sits through the romantic comedy. To my surprise, I actually really liked Karate Kid. I recommend it.

As we were pulling out of the driveway to go to the drive-in, Adam noticed there was a package on the front porch. He stopped, ran up to get it, and then threw it in the backseat of the car. It was an amazon.com box and was addressed to me. I didn't have anything sharp to open the box with so it just sat there. Adam gave me a big lecture about spending money, but I kept insisting I didn't remember ordering anything!

We didn't get home until 2:30 in the morning. As soon as we got inside, I opened the package. It was a book called "The Woman's Book of Courage. Meditations for Empowerment and Peace of Mind." I found the slip in the box and there was a note from a friend of mine about how much this book helped her through some tough times.

I was then standing in my kitchen at 2:30 in the morning crying. Crying about how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life.

Just earlier that evening I was talking to Adam about how amazing that friend was for being there for me the day we got the call about the Iowa baby. She called me from work and talked to me about every detail of the situation. She helped me do the research needed to make the decision to move forward with the baby. I trust her 100% because she has already been through this process. She knows which risks are okay and which ones are just too much for Adam and I. I am so lucky to have someone like that to talk to and run everything by.

I have another friend who also adopted from our agency and her wait was even longer than the wait we have had so far. She has been amazing at keeping my hope alive. She knows what it's like to have a long wait and always knows the right thing to say. She sent me a lady bug pin for good luck and I keep it on my nightstand.

Between them, my twitter/blog friends, my amazing family, and Adam, I have a great support system.

Oh, did I mention how awesome my mom is? When I got the call about not being chosen for the Iowa baby, the kids were getting off the bus. She left work, came right over, told me to go relax (cry) in the bedroom, and played hot potato and other games with the kids until they got picked up.

Despite everything that has happened, I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Trying to Pull Myself out of the Darkness

Thank you for all the love and support the last few days. Back to back rejection from Georgia and Nebraska hit me hard. I think things were made worse by the fact that our case worker was not the one who called either time. It was someone new at the agency who has no idea what we have been through. It felt like she was reading from a script and it was not comforting. She told me not to get discouraged. I'm way past discouraged.

On Friday when we got the call about Nebraska, I felt all hope being ripped from me. It felt like a giant rubber stamp hit me in the forehead and labeled me "hopeless." I mean how many rejections can you experience before you just stop believing it will ever be a yes?

I am trying to find a silver lining in it all. Not having to drive so far away and pay all the extra out of state costs... but really it just sucks. And it hurts so bad. I spent the entire weekend grieving. I barely even tweeted, which is a sure sign of some serious depression. Saturday morning I forced myself out of bed to go out in the world and be a normal person, but it felt like I was walking around with this heavy blanket of sadness over me. I didn't leave the house again the rest of the weekend.

My Mom thinks I will feel better if I accept the fact that we have to renew and just do it. She is probably right. I'm going to hold out two more weeks for the miracle and then give in. Before we can send the check in, we need to talk to the bank about taking out another loan. I can't believe it has come to this. The extra fees that come with having a long wait have finally forced us into another adoption loan. I am hoping they agree to lend us more money or else we are in big trouble. I don't think the bank wants to witness the meltdown that will happen if they say no to us.

It's Meatless Monday.

We had leftover white rice from our depressing Chinese dinner Friday night (whenever we find out we are not chosen for a profiling, we order Chinese food) so we are having this:

I scrambled some eggs, added the rice, and then a can of peas.

32 Birthdays

Growing up, I had amazing birthdays. My parents had parties for me every year from the time I was one year old until I went away to college. Parties that all my friends loved coming to. We had so much fun. When I was in middle school and high school, my friends did such a good job at making my day special. I always had a decorated locker with crepe paper, signs, and balloons. Birthdays felt absolutely magical.

Then adulthood hits and everything just feels boring in comparison.

Then infertility hits and every birthday is a reminder of time passing. You are scared to death of getting older because you know it's a decline in your fertility. Not to mention just plain devestating that you aren't a mom yet. For the past few years, I have spent every birthday crying. I have not enjoyed a birthday in a long time. I have actually dreaded them.

Things feel a little different now.

Any chance of my fertility was wiped out with one surgery. So, this is no longer a countdown to all my eggs dying. They're gone.

It is still sad that I am having ANOTHER birthday without being a mom. I honestly didn't think that would happen.

BUT, I know I am going to be a mom this year.  I fully 100% believe that.

So, I can now say 32 is the age I will be when I become a mom.

That's pretty exciting, right?

We're being profiled for two babies. I woke up to twitter and facebook birthday messages that put a smile on my face. I think it might actually be okay to celebrate my birthday this year.

Of course a phone call with good news from the agency would make it even better....

;)

I'm Okay

I really am okay.

Once I calmed down yesterday, I was able to think things through and realize that I was really feeling two things.

1. Hurt from the rejection. Being rejected over and over again over a 22 month period can beat a person down. If you let yourself think about it, you can start to really feel bad about yourself.

2. Fear. I didn't really care about that particular situation. I was crushed because I felt like not being chosen for that baby means we won't be chosen for the Nebraska baby (or any other baby for that matter.) What I have since reminded myself is that every expectant mother is different. They are each looking for different things in an adoptive parent/couple and not being chosen one time has nothing to do with what will happen another time. It's not about me. It's about whatever random thing they connected with when they looked at the profile they chose. (Of course that doesn't stop it from hurting each time.) Anyday now it could be our profile that an expectant mother will look at and find something they connect with. It's important I keep reminding myself of that. Otherwise, I would probably just give up.

I really want to be chosen for the Nebraska baby. (Duh.) There are a couple details about the situation that I feel a connection to. Plus the timing would be amazing. It's coming up on summer vacation for the kids, which means families with be going on vacations and there will be less kids here. It really would be the ideal time. Also, if we get chosen for this baby, we don't have to renew our homestudy. We are getting closer to having to make decisions about renewal and figure out how we would come up with the money. It's very stressful. I am still holding my breath for that miracle.

Thank you for the continued support. You have all been amazing. I can't tell you how many of your comments (and tweets) made me cry yesterday. Each one was like a giant comforting hug. Not just on yesterday's post, but the Hard Weekend post as well. I owe a huge thank you to Mel from Stirrup Queens for that. Both Mel and Kate from Busted Plumbing have been my Fairy BlogMothers. They are the reason I have the followers that I do. By highlighting posts of mine, telling me that my blog is good, encouraging me to keep writing, and sending people over to give me support, they have made my blog what it is now. Without them, there is no way I would have 98 blog followers. As I type that number I am absolutely amazed. Thank you!!!

Anniversary

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments about my wedding pictures.

I have to admit, I have never looked fondly at my wedding pictures before. I only ever had one picture developed and that was the pinky promise photo. I still have it in an 5x7 frame on a table with a bunch of other pictures. I don't have a wedding album.

There was a lot of drama surrounding our wedding and still 7 years later when the subject of our wedding comes up, I get a knot in my stomach.

Adam's parents hated everything about our wedding. Their biggest complaint was that our ceremony was so small. We had it on a Friday night with less than 15 people there. That's how we wanted it. We were both in agreement. We are not the kind of people who would enjoy standing in front of 100 people and saying our vows into a microphone. Adam's parents kept saying it was weird and that nobody would want to come to our reception if they couldn't come to our ceremony.

They said many, many other negative things and there were ongoing fights leading up to the wedding and they did their best to have a bad time the whole weekend. You can read more about that, here.

As much as I disagree with everything they said and I am glad we did it the way we wanted, I always have a bad feeling when I think about our wedding. A feeling of shame or embarrassment. I was actually enjoying my wedding and having a good time and then found out they were actively doing things to try and ruin it. I was humiliated by that. The joke was on me. I was blindly having fun while people were mocking me. After our wedding, one person after another told me stories of things Adam's parents did. Rude and awful things. Things I didn't notice, but my guests did.

Then the next day after our wedding, they called and told us it was the worst wedding they have ever been to. Ouch. That is the kind of thing that sticks with you.

The other thing is that everytime I look at the pictures, I remember how sick I was then.

I had my first D&C surgery six months before our wedding. I needed to have polyps removed and they were getting me ready to start trying to conceive immediately after getting married. There were already clues that it was going to be complicated. I was on a lot of hormones between the surgery and the wedding. I was so sick. My Mom actually did almost all the wedding planning because I was so sick. I remember when we were supposed to be doing cake tasting, I couldn't even take a bite. I was so nauseous.

I was really pale at my wedding. I had been tanning leading up to it but still looked as white as a ghost. In fact, I looked so bad that at my sister's wedding everyone kept telling me how great I looked. That I had so much color in my face.

When it came time to choose photos to go into our adoption profile, even my Mom suggested less wedding pictures because I look sick in them. I cried my eyes out when she said that, but she was right. I look pale and puffy. Every little girl's dream, right?

So, yesterday it was nice to post wedding pictures and smile about them. Then to receive so many sweet comments was really amazing. I was actually able to look at them in a positive way.

Of course anyone who has been trying to conceive or waiting to adopt for a long time knows that holidays and anniversaries are hard. They serve as reminders of how long you have been waiting. My wedding anniversary is also my anniversary of trying to conceive.

Seven years of waiting to start our family.

But, I did okay with that this weekend. I thought about it a little, but overall it was a really great weekend. We had a lot of fun.

And since we got married Friday night and had our reception Saturday afternoon, we consider it still our anniversary so we are continuing to celebrate today. :)

Thanks again for all the love in blog comments and tweets yesterday!

The Upside of a Long Wait

There are many positive things that have come from having a long adoption wait.

(Yeah, I am just as surprised as the rest of you that I am writing this post.)

The first thing is blogging. I would never have started blogging without this wait. Blogging has given me a healthy outlet for my feelings that I used to keep bottled up. Not only has it allowed me to express myself, but it has given me an amazing support system as well. I have met friends I never would have met and I am so thankful to have them. It also lead to blog reading.

I have learned a lot from blog reading. I almost feel as though two years is the amount of time everyone should take to really read and think about adoption before actually adopting. I have come so far from the start of my journey. I have learned so much and my feelings and attitudes have changed so much over time. Just looking at our grids shows how far we have come. Things we would have never been open to in the beginning are not even factors anymore.

This time has strengthened our marriage. I know that if we can get through this, we can get through anything. Many difficult decisions have needed to be made over the last two years and I think we are better prepared to parent as a team because of them.

This wait has also given me time to grieve my infertility. I thought I was "over it" when I began the adoption process. We hadn't done any kind of fertility treatment for a long time and things were kind of in a numb holding pattern. We eventually came to the conclusion that we should begin the adoption process. But in between there wasn't any dealing with the fact that I had those fertility issues. The hysterectomy surgery forced those fertility issues back into my reality. I could no longer think that maybe we would try again after adopting once. If it weren't for the long wait, I don't think I would have grieved the loss of my fertility as thoroughly as I have. I had more issues leftover than I realized.

The wait has also allowed us to buy baby things over time. Buying all new baby stuff is for suckers, haha. There are so many garage sale and craigslist deals that you can get if you look over time. The only new things we have bought are the crib, the pack-n-play, and the car seat. Everything else is used and we have a very full nursery. Baby swing, jumperoo, bouncy seat, toy box, play mat, baby bath, bumbo seat....it's all used, but looks new. We even have a whole dresser full of clothes that look new, but came from garage sales. Most of them were $1. Some of them still have tags on them.

I am definitely not saying I would like my wait to last any longer, but I can admit there are things I have gained from a long wait.

And in case the universe is listening to me right now...... I AM READY TO BE A MOM NOW!!!!

April 26, 2010

Today is 21 months that we have been homestudy approved and waiting.

Today is the one year anniversary of when I joined twitter. I had no idea when I joined how life changing it would be. I am thankful every day for my twitter friends.

Today is the day we are trying to make #infertility a trending topic on twitter to kick off National Infertility Awareness Week. If you are on twitter, join in by adding #infertility to all your tweets.

Today is Meatless Monday.

This week's meal is calzones. I'll be using pizza dough from a local bakery, ricotta cheese, mozzarella cheese, garlic, spinach, and mushrooms.

I think the key to a really good calzone is using good pizza dough. Find a local place that sells dough that you like. Put some flour down and roll the dough out with a rolling pin. Add whatever veggie ingredients you prefer to one side of the dough. Fold the empty side of the dough over the full side so it's covering all your ingredients. Make sure you close it tight so the ingredients do not leak out while cooking. Before putting it in the oven, I like to add a little vegetable oil to the top and sprinkle parmesan cheese on it.

I usually cook it at 375 for about 25 minutes. It all depends on how big your calzone is. You should be able to tell when it's done. Keep checking on it.

One last thing...

I just want to say thank you for all the support on my last post. I still get very nervous when I pour my heart out and hit the "Publish Post" button. I feel so vulnerable and embarrassed that my secret feelings are all out there for everyone to see. Then the support comes pouring in and it's like a giant hug. A great big "everything is going to be okay" hug. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Help

I feel like I need a blog makeover.

But, if I am going to pay for a make-over, I should change the name of my blog to something that fits for before and after the wait, right?

I have been thinking and thinking about this for a couple months and I have come up with nothing. I am not good at coming up with clever titles or names.

So, I am asking for advice here. Any name suggestions? Any suggestions on who I should go to for my blog make-over? Any specific changes you think I should make?

I have no uterus

It's been exactly three months since my hysterectomy surgery.

Leading up to my hysterectomy, I talked to as many people as I could who had the surgery. It was hard to find young people who had the surgery because it's most commonly done on post-menopausal women. My oncologist was not very reassuring and the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced I was going to die from the surgery or at the very least the surgery would change my life forever.

Kim from Beautiful Wreck helped me more than she will ever know. She was open and honest and gave me all the details I wanted. She even showed me a picture of her uterus after they took it out. She answered all my questions no matter how ridiculous they were. She told me I was going to survive the surgery and be okay. She gave me the invaluable advice of scheduling my pain pills to overlap or else I would be in big trouble. Even if it meant setting an alarm to take them in the middle of the night. (Boy was she right about that.) She even gave me her phone number and told me I could call her with any questions. She also "introduced" me to someone else who was having the same surgery on the same day. We exchanged numbers and texted each other throughout the recovery process.

What if I didn't have her to go to? It's only because of twitter that I found her. If it weren't for that, what was I supposed to do? Nobody from my oncologist's office ever sat me down before my surgery and told me what they were going to do. Or what things would be like after. You would think they would at the very least have some diagrams of what is done during the procedure. They never even told me they were taking my cervix. I obviously knew they were taking the uterus. They asked if I wanted them to take my ovaries. Nobody mentioned the cervix. How was I supposed to know? Even with the ovary decision, they said they recommend it but they never talked me through the decision. I called my OB/GYN crying and she helped me decide.

I bought Fran Drescher's book because she had the same kind of cancer I did. I started reading it and it scared me so much more. She said when she came home, her dog knew something was different about her. She said he acted differently around her from that point on and then he passed away. I was so freaked out. I started imagining Brinkley not being as close to me anymore. (Which by the way did not happen at all. He was so happy to see me and is just as attached to me as he always was.) Adam made me put the book down and not read anymore.

Then there was after the surgery. It was the worst pain of my entire life. I was so lucky to have Adam there to help me do everything. There was nothing I could do on my own. They sent me home after only one night in the hospital. Which was fine because I didn't sleep the entire time I was there anyway. The only thing I really missed when we left was the catheter. (Words I never thought I would say.)

Beyond the physical recovery, nobody cared about how I was doing emotionally. I was 31, childless, and had been trying to conceive for many years. All within a couple weeks I went from that to being diagnosed with endometrial cancer and having my uterus and ovaries taken from me. It all happened very quickly and the realities of it still haven't fully hit me.

I feel like this really highlights how screwed up our health care system is. Shouldn't this diagnosis and surgery be paired with therapy? How about a single conversation with me to determine whether I was okay mentally? Especially considering I have a history of anxiety and depression (like many people who have experienced years of infertility), which they knew. If I didn't have Adam and our adoption plans, who knows where I would be at mentally. Wasn't anybody going to check on that?

When I went for my follow-up appointment weeks later, he told me my cancer was gone and the surgery was a success. No physical exam. He never came in the room and sat down. He stood in the doorway and the appointment was over in minutes.

A few more weeks went by and I was feeling so tired I could barely get out of bed, so I called my OB/GYN and she prescribed me a very low dose of hormone replacement. I've been on it a couple weeks now. Not sure if it made a huge difference, but I know it's good for bone density and reducing the risk of stroke.

Physically, I am recovered, but I know I have a long way to go emotionally. Sometimes out of the blue I will remember I have no uterus and it will hit me like a punch in the stomach. I have a lot of feelings of guilt surrounding everything. I feel like maybe I should have fought the treatment plan. Pushed for more tests. Tried meds before surgery. I gave up my uterus without a fight. Maybe I was just being lazy. I didn't want to deal with it. After being diagnosed, I immediately made the surgery appointment. I just wanted it over with.

It's hard to know that we have to rely on someone else to decide we can be parents. Even though we were already doing adoption so nothing has really changed. Somehow it feels different. More pressure. Me getting pregnant can never be a back up plan. Somebody has to choose us, or we will never be parents. The one thing I have always wanted more than anything else in the world and it's completely out of my control.

(This is the point where I stop, breathe, and remind myself that we will be parents. It will happen for us. Our long wait will eventually be over.)

One thing I know for sure is that all the support that was missing from the medical community was more than made up for by my blog and twitter friends. I can't imagine having to go through all of that without all of you.

....And thank you for letting me use my blog as free therapy today :)

Opening Up

Our adoption agency always says that we should get out there and network as much as we can. The biggest thing they suggest doing is telling EVERYONE you know that you have a homestudy and want to adopt. That hasn't been something I ever felt comfortable doing, but after 18 months of waiting, I feel like I just need to get over feeling shy about it and do everything we can.

So, last night I did something brave. I sent out a private Facebook message to a bunch of friends telling them all about our situation. (I know it would have been a lot braver if I put it on Facebook for everyone to see, but for me the message was a big step.) I asked everyone to keep us in mind if they ever come across someone who is thinking of making an adoption plan. I even included the link to my blog in case anyone was interested in reading about our journey to parenthood.

Sharing my blog made me feel very vulnerable. Not many people from my "real life" have read it. But, Jenn from The Road To Happily Ever After was the one who gave me the courage to share. She said she "came out" about her infertility on Facebook and received a lot of support. She said once you open up about it, you find other people who have experienced infertility and people that are just genuinely interested in reading your blog, following your story, and offering support.

So, I opened up and shared and feel really good about it. The responses so far have been amazing. I am truly touched by everyone's stories and kind words. And you never know, maybe reaching out to people will lead us to our baby.

Thank You

As I promised in a previous post, here is the picture of the awesome gift basket from some of my twitter gals:

Adam took this picture the night it came.

I was in the worst pain of my life, but when this gift basket came, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I was amazed by the generousity of people who only knew me through twitter. They are the best support system in the world. Having them to talk to as I went through all of this made a huge difference. I don't know if I could have emotionally handled having a hysterectomy if it weren't for their daily support.

This gift basket came at the perfect time and meant so much to me.

Thank you to Jenn (@Amaprincess), Daneen (@PCOSChick), Holly (@ready2bmom), Carrie (@Caretta74), Becca (@TTC_Queen), Kate (@BustedKate), Roxanne (@Quest4BabyHang), Kaitlin (@ahmymarriedlife), and Heather (@FertilityChick).

I appreciate it more than you'll ever know!