Monday, November 30, 2009

Dear Uterus

Dear Uterus,

Message received. I hear you loud and clear. Trust me, the feeling is mutual. I hate you too.

I should have known you were trouble from the time I got my first period at age 11. I was home baby-sitting my little sister and brother all day. With no way of calling my mom to get advice on what to do. It also happened to be the day of my mom's surprise birthday party. So not only was I baby-sitting, but I was cleaning and decorating, and letting guests in to wait for the big surprise. I should have known by that timing just how mean you were.

I fought for you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. When I lost half of all the blood in my body, I begged to keep you. Even though you were on the verge of killing me.

I've had surgeries and procedures and taken hormones that made me sick for years.

The only thing I asked from you in return was a baby. Was that so much to ask? It's your only job!

I've given you plenty of chances and you have done nothing but try and kill me over and over again.

Endometrial cancer? Really? That's a low blow. After all I have done for you.

You know what?

I am going to let them take you now.

I am breaking up with you.

I am too good for you anyway.



P.S. You suck.

Friday, November 27, 2009

A Christmas Tree That Tells A Story

I love decorating the house for Christmas. Especially putting ornaments on the tree. It's a fun trip down memory lane. Some are from my childhood, some are from Adam's childhood, and some are from our life together.

This is an ornament that I picked out when I was only a toddler. I was at Sibleys with my Mom and Grandma and they told me I could pick an ornament. This is what I chose.

This ornament reminds me of putting ornaments on our tree growing up.

My Mom gave us this ornament because when we are all together, we love to have fires in the backyard and make S'Mores.

My Aunt gave us this ornament at my wedding shower.

This ornament is from the first Christmas after we were married.

This is the first ornament Adam ever bought me.

I got this ornament as a present the year I started baking cupcakes and doing cake decorating.

This is from the year we bought our house.

This is an ornament of Layla and Lilly. It was Lilly's first Christmas.

This is from Brinkley's first Christmas.

I can't wait to buy our "Baby's First Christmas" ornament.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I am Thankful

I am thankful for Adam. We have been through a lot in the past nine years and he has been amazing through it all. He deserves his own post.

I am thankful for my cats. I love my babies so much.

I am thankful that my family can get together and have a really good time together. Interesting conversations, lots of laughter, and so much fun. I am really looking forward to all of us being together at Christmas.

I am thankful that my parents live only 20 minutes away and we see them on a regular basis. I am also thankful that Adam enjoys spending time with my parents.

I am thankful for my doctor. She was stuck giving me my biopsy results over the phone, but she did a good job. She gave me her personal cell phone number to call her if I needed to talk about it more. How many doctors are willing to do that? Then she sat down and talked to me right before my surgery and made sure I was okay. I had tears streaming down my face during the entire conversation, but she made me feel like I would be okay no matter what happened next. She is really supportive and I feel like she is doing everything she can for me.

I am thankful that we have medical insurance. We are very lucky.

I am thankful that I was able to start a business from home so when our baby comes, I will be home with him/her.

I am thankful for all the parents and children I work with. They are really good people. I am lucky.

I am thankful that I have a mom that I can tell anything to and who is always there for me. She is my best friend.

I am thankful for my adoption friends. It is so nice to have people who really understand. They are so supportive and even though they have already adopted, they are still there for me. They are still giving me pep talks and reminding me that my time will come.

I am thankful for our house. It took us a long time to save up and buy a house. It's not big or fancy, but I would not trade it for any other house in the world. I love it.

I am thankful for all my twitter friends. So much love and support. So many laughs. I love you all.

I am thankful for Facebook for helping me keep in touch with old friends. Even if it is sometimes hard to look at baby bumps, sonograms, and birth announcements everyday.

I am thankful for my TiVo. I love it. I am sorry if that is too materialistic, but I do. Also, my lap top.

I am thankful that my sister and brother married awesome people. And that all 6 of us can get together and have the BEST time together. I just wish it could happen more often!!

I am thankful that Adam and I chose adoption. That we are homestudy approved and it's only a matter of time before our baby finds us.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Sunday Night Stress

It's Sunday night. Time to get ready for a new work week. The only thing good about Sunday nights is watching Brothers and Sisters and that isn't even on tonight.

I am completely overwhelmed. The stress of everything this week is getting to me.

I am really scared of my surgery on Tuesday. Really scared. Scared of going to the hospital, scared of being put completely out, scared of the surgery itself, scared of what they will find. I've had this surgery three times before, but it's been 4 years since the last time. And my Mom can't come this time and that makes it a little scarier. (It's probably scarier for Adam too since he won't have back up if I run away in my hospital gown at the last minute and refuse to have surgery.)

Thanksgiving is this week. That brings out a whole bunch of feelings I don't want to deal with. Thanksgiving day is 16 months that we have officially been "waiting." Holidays always make the wait a lot worse for me. I can't believe we are going to have another Thanksgiving without our baby. A year ago right now we were being profiled for the first time. I was so sad when we were not chosen, but I knew the chances of being chosen the first time were slim. I told myself not to worry and that by next Thanksgiving we would probably be with our baby. Since then I have learned not to tell myself things like that. (Or at least I try not to anymore.)

I am really missing my siblings. When they are home, everything is so much fun. We have dinners together and hang out and play games. But, they are only here a couple times a year and that makes me so sad. This was a really bad weekend. I spent the whole time being sad and anxious. It's times like these that I wish they could be here. They can't come home at all for Thanksgiving this year.

I am sorry for all the sad blog posts lately. I will be writing a list of things I am thankful for later this week to make up for it. I do have a lot to be thankful for. And if you are reading this, you are one of those things I am thankful for!!!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

This Wasn't Supposed To Happen

I had a plan. I was taking a break from everything fertility. I had three normal biopsies in a row. I had an IUD put in that was supposed to be a treatment for abnormal cell growth. Everything was supposed to be fine. My doctor said she wanted me to have another biopsy in a year just to be safe. Nothing to worry about, right?

Meanwhile, my uterus was plotting against me.

They already know from the biopsy that the cells are back and they are worse than ever. They have crossed over from being annoying and hard to get rid of to being dangerous. There are a couple different ways things can go after the surgery on Tuesday and none of them are good.

At the very least I will be on hormones to kill the cells. I have done this before and can do it again, but it's not fun. There are a list of side effects and I get them all. I am sick and pale when I am on them. My mom can look at pictures and pick out which ones were taken while I was on it.

Worst case scenerio is that the oncologist decides I need to have a hysterectomy. Not exactly what a 31 yr old who has never had children wants to hear.

I am trying to slowly come to terms with the fact that I am probably never going to be pregnant. A lot of people come to terms with this before they begin the adoption process, but my situation was a little different. I always thought we would begin with adoption and then have a mix of adopted and biological children. At 31, I am not ready to just close the door on that possibility.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Biopsy Results

I got a call from my doctor with my biopsy results.

It's not good. The abnormal cells are back and they are worse than they have ever been before. I have to have surgery Tuesday morning. They will be doing a D&C and then sending everything to the oncologist to see where we are at.

Based on what they know so far, there is a real possibility that they are going to find cancerous cells and I will need a hysterectomy. Which would save my life, but obviously mean I can never have children.

When she told me, all of a sudden I felt like I was in some dramatic made for television movie. Like this could not possibly be my real life.

So far I have cried, told Adam and my Mom, and called all the parents to tell them I need to close on Tuesday (I hated to do that because I have never closed for anything other than holidays before.) Oh, yeah, and then cried more.

My doctor was really nice. She apologized for telling me on the phone. She thought if she asked me to come in right away it would scare me and make it worse. She was right. She gave me her personal cell phone number in case I need to call her this weekend. That was really nice of her.

What is amazing is that this is the first time I have ever not worried about getting my biopsy results. I told myself they would be normal and everything would be fine and didn't even worry about them. My last three biopsies were normal. I was allowed to wait a whole year before getting another biopsy because I had three normal ones in a row. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Doctor Appointment

I was a grown up and went to my appointment today.

Which was a good thing because my doctor found the problem and I should be doing better within the next couple weeks.

Ever since I stopped fertility meds, I have to be on some kind of hormone at all times or else I bleed to my death. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true. My body will just keep bleeding until I have no blood left. One time it got the point where I lost half of all the blood in my entire body. So, now I am always on something.

For a while it was two birth control pills a day. But, even with that I still had bleeding and cramps every day. For two years. Every day.

I finally got a new doctor who put in an IUD and it worked. I had no bleeding and no cramping until recently when I started bleeding again.

Today when she came in the room she said, "Well, it worked for over a year. That is impressive for you." I agreed. It was nice to have a break from it all. We talked a little about what else we could try next. I was already preparing myself for years of daily bleeding again.

But guess what....

We didn't have to try anything new because it turns out my IUD had become detached and that was causing the problem! She took it out and put in a new one!! Yay.

I had to have a biopsy while I was there because I have a history of abnormal cell growth. It was really painful and I was cramping all afternoon, but now I am feeling better and happy it's over with. Breathing a huge sigh of relief.

I just want to take a moment and thank everyone for their support. You are awesome. It really made a difference. I was sitting in the waiting room surrounded by magazines about babies and pregnant women, pictures of babies and pregnant women, and actual pregnant women. I had tears in my eyes and felt like a crazy person, but I kept thinking of so many of my twitter friends who have talked about how hard all of those things are for them. Made me feel less crazy. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I don't want to go. You can't make me.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow.

I am freaking out about it.

I have been bleeding for over two months straight. I know I need to go in and find out why.

But, seriously, I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there should be a pause button on my uterus. I am not using it right now. Can't I just put it on pause until I want to try again to get pregnant? My focus has been completely on adoption. No fertility worries. Apparently, my uterus did not get the memo.

The appointment tomorrow will bring me right out of my adoption frame of mind and put me back into the fertility hell. I am really scared. I don't want to find out what strange thing is wrong this time. Or even worse, have them tell me they have no idea why it's happening.

I am so uncomfortable with these appointments. I know nobody is comfortable there, but I get really freaked out about it. It's so awkward and embarrassing. And as soon as I walk into the office, it brings me right back to all the times I have left there crying because I was given bad news or I was in pain from another procedure or biopsy.

I really, really don't want to go. I feel like a two year old on the verge of a major meltdown. Can't I just kick my feet and stomp and yell and refuse to go?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Rough Day

We heard back from the adoption agency about the case we were profiled for. We were not chosen. I asked for feedback about why, but they didn't have any.

Another one of the children in my before and after school program was just diagnosed with H1N1.

I also found out today that a couple from our adoption homestudy classes just adopted their second baby. Two babies. All within the time we have been waiting for one. I really am happy for them. They are a great couple who have always been so nice to us. It is, however, hard to be reminded how long we have been waiting. There always seem to be reminders.

The good news is that I don't have any crying left in me. I got it all out this afternoon.

It's not this particular case that I am mourning the loss of. It's the idea of a baby at Christmas. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to celebrate another Christmas without a baby. When I was packing up our Christmas stuff last year, I kept saying to Adam that the next time we see all that stuff it would be with our baby. I really believed that.

This will be our 7th Christmas since we started trying to have a baby. That first Christmas, I was taking fertility meds and I was supposed to be ovulating on Christmas day. I remember driving around looking at Christmas lights with Adam and talking about how amazing it would be to get pregnant on Christmas day. Turns out I was not ovulating at all.

I love Christmas. I love seeing my family. I love all the traditions we have. I love that in 2001 Adam proposed to me on Christmas Eve.

I just don't know if I have it in me to have another Christmas without children.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Toddler Formula?

In the beginning of our wait, we made quite a few baby purchases. We even registered our car seat in case of any recalls. We also got a subscription to a baby magazine. Because of those things, we were put on baby mailing lists.

It started with getting things in the mail about pregnancy. Then we got some samples of newborn diapers and formula. A few months later we got some coupons for older baby things like "cruiser" diapers for when they start crawling. We also got baby food coupons and flyers about introducing your baby to solid foods.

It has kind of been a painful reminder of how much time has gone by and how old our baby would be if we adopted right away. Or if I had actually been pregnant like they assumed I was.

I opened the mailbox yesterday and saw a sample of toddler formula.

Toddler formula?

I guess my wait is now a toddler. They grow up so fast.

Sunday, November 1, 2009