ICLW

My story is posted on the right of my blog and I don't have too much to add to that, but I wanted to say WELCOME :)

My family is in town for the holidays and I am very thankful for that. We've been busy with family dinners, shopping, parties, and cookie decorating. Last night Jayden and my two month old nephew were wearing matching pajamas that my mom bought them. Adorable. I love seeing the boys together. My sister in law who lives on the other side of the country just got into town (my brother is flying in on Friday) and is coming over today to play with Jayden. I can't wait.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my big surgery. During our adoption wait, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and had a radical hysterectomy. Even two years later, I still feel my scars every night before I fall asleep. This Christmas will be very different from the one two years ago. I have so much to be thankful for now. The anniversary of my surgery still holds a lot of emotion for me though.

This is probably too deep for a "Welcome To My Blog" ICLW post, huh? ;)

I look forward to meeting new people and visiting your blogs this week!!

Well, If My Chart Didn't Say "Crazy" Before, It Does Now

Confession: I have not been back to the gynocologist since my hysterectomy.

I went to my post-op oncology appointment, but that was it.

My gynocologist wrote me a prescription for a year of low dose hormones, but those ran out. And I knew I couldn't get more refills without an appointment (that was long overdue) but I just couldn't bring myself to make an appointment. Just picking up the phone to call filled me with anxiety. So, I put it off.

This afternoon I finally did it. I called for an appointment.

Out of nowhere tears started streaming down my face as I did it. I really wasn't expecting that.

They wanted to know why I was making the appointment and just talking about the hysterectomy stirred stuff up in me. They realized how long it had been and commented on that. I then started babbling on about anxiety and pregnant people sitting in the waiting room. (To a fellow infertile that makes sense. I'm not sure the person on the phone had any idea what I was talking about.)

I asked if I could bring my baby to the appointment because I didn't have anywhere else for him to go. I said he could just sit in his stroller. She asked how old he was and then said it's no problem. That was the end of the conversation.

I hung up and started bawling. There was just so much emotion stirred up in me.

A minute goes by and the phone rings. I saw it was the gynocologist office so I answered it despite my crying. It was the end of the day so I didn't want to risk not being able to call them back and find out what they wanted.

It was another woman this time. She said they wanted to get a little more information as to why I was making the appointment so they knew what kind of appointment to book me for.

But I quickly realized the real reason they were calling is because I freaked them out by saying I have a 10 month old baby. (Which, in hindsight, is a little funny.)

She said "We have no record of you having a baby."

Uh, yeah, I had a hysterectomy a year and a half ago so I obviously did not give birth to my 10 month old.

Meanwhile, by the way, I am full on crying through this whole conversation, so I felt like I had to address the obvious sobs.

I told her I have a lot of anxiety about this appointment. And going back into this office will bring up a lot of old feelings. I used to go there to get pregnant. Now I have no uterus.

She said something about how I am a mother now.

Which is totally valid and I understand her perspective. But, not having been through what I have, she can't fully understand why having a baby doesn't magically make all that pain go away.

Things moved very quickly from infertility patient to cancer diagnosis and radical hysterectomy.

I have not been back there since.

We were well into the adoption process at the time I was diagnosed, but again, that didn't make it any easier.

As I cried and talked about it a little more, she really got it and said it is understandable after everything I have been through.

She asked if I wanted a new doctor, which wasn't AT ALL what I wanted. My doctor was amazing with giving me my diagnosis and talking me through all the surgery decisions when my oncologist was a self absorbed asshat.

She asked if I wanted my doctor to call me before my appointment to check in, which was an amazing offer. I really appreciated that. When my doctor called me with me diagnosis, she actually gave me her cell phone number in case I needed her. She really went above and beyond.

The way this all hit me...just from one phone call to the office...I am worried about going to this appointment. It's going to be so hard.

I feel like I have some sort of infertility post traumatic stress.

I Can't Even Get Through a Haircut Without Talking About My Uterus

I got my hair cut for the first time in at least a year and a half. I tend to let it get really long and then go get several inches cut off.

Maybe one of the reasons I go so long between haircuts is that it's impossible to get a haircut without the topic of children coming up. This time I finally had a baby to talk about. I actually told myself as I walked towards the building that I didn't have to get into all the infertility/adoption/hysterectomy stuff. I can just be a normal person talking about my baby.

But, the hairdresser really gave me no choice.

She said her boyfriend wanted to have kids but she wanted to wait. Then she said, "Who plans their kids these days anyway? It just happens."

What?

Apparently she is under the impression everyone accidentally gets pregnant without trying and you have no choice whether you start a family.

Then she asked me whether we planned to have Jayden.

Ha.

Uh.....well.....yes, there was planning involved.

Holy understatement.

Once I told her we adopted, the floods of questions began.

Before you know it, I am talking about my uterus.

How does that always happen?

Maybe I should have T-shirts made. "Ask me about my uterus. I love uncomfortable conversations in public about missing body parts."

It Never Gets Easier

I have to go to a baby shower today.

For twin girls.

Sigh.

I feel pressure to be okay with baby showers now.

But late last night, as I started dreading today's shower, I realized I am really not.

Jayden coming into our lives doesn't change that.

I really don't want to go. And if I have to play some kind of game like guess how big her belly is, I might just go cry in the bathroom for a while.

I am still not over the shock of the pregnancy itself. She got pregnant with twins while on birth control. That blows my mind. They have two other children and they are good parents. I have nothing against them in any way. But, pregnant with twins without trying? While actually trying NOT to get pregnant? Wow. I just can't wrap my head around it.

I've been watching the belly grow bigger over the last few months. She has even lifted up her shirt to show me on a few occasions. My immediate reaction is to avoid looking. It's just too much for me. I think that people assume since I have Jayden now that I am okay with all the pregnancy sharing.

I guess it's true that unless you are infertile, you really don't understand the pain. I've thought about trying to tell them, but I am afraid I will come off mean. I know they don't mean to hurt me, but sometimes it leaves me still feeling bad hours later.

I bought these cute cloth diapers:

...and a few other things in hopes that having cute presents to give would make me more excited about going.

 Wish me luck today.

Amazing

You know what really blows my mind?

Jayden was conceived right around the time I had my hysterectomy.

I just put my sugery date into a pregnancy due date calculator and it came up with September 13 as a due date. That is the day I brought Jayden home from the hospital.

One Year Later: Adam's Perspective

One thing I will always give Adam credit for is how well he handled everything surrounding my surgery a year ago. From the minute he found out about it, he was supportive. He said it was even a little bit of a relief to know it's all over with. No more worries about abnormal cell growth, bleeding, and hormones. He was completely fine with the surgery closing any chance he ever had at having a biological child. He was already excited to be a father through adoption.

I had no idea until months later how scared he was during that time.

I started getting clues from a few things he said in the summer. He would say things like just thinking of  Christmas time made him feel sick. That he pictured me in the hospital everytime he thought about Christmas.

Then at Halloween, I took something out of our Halloween box and it had a post-it note on it. You may remember that before my surgery last year I wrote post-it notes on things in case I died (I know, morbid.) or I was too sick to tell people about their presents. I often get Adam Halloween things for Christmas because he loves Halloween so much. It went right into our Halloween box and it still had the post-it note. Finding it was hilarious to me. When I showed it to Adam, I was laughing, but he looked so serious. He said it wasn't funny.

Even getting Christmas decorations out a few weeks ago reminded him of everything we went through last year.

I will admit last Christmas is a complete haze to me. I found presents months later that I had no memory of opening. When I saw the ornament box this year I was confused about where some things were and why I would have put it away like that. Then I realized that for the first time ever I wasn't the one who put everything away.

Now that we have all the decoration up and have started to make new Christmas memories, I think it has helped Adam take his mind off of last year. Now it seems to be all about Jayden's first Christmas.

Sometimes I forget Adam is more sensitive than he seems. From the outside he is a 6'6" football player. On the inside he is someone who went through a lot last year and had to remain strong for me.

What a Difference a Year Makes

Exactly a year ago at this time I was in the hospital after my hysterectomy.

I had planned on writing a whole post about how much can change in one year. I have been thinking about it all day. It's overwhelming to think about. I wish I could go back to exactly a year ago and tell myself it will all be okay.

But, between having a sick baby and getting ready for Christmas, I am exhausted and have no time to write the post I had planned. I hope to come back to this at some point.

(Jayden is okay. He has bronchiolitis, which is basically just a cold for most people. But with babies under 6 months it can be more serious. He went to the doctor Friday night and then they had us come back to be checked on Saturday. In that time his lungs sounded worse so they did a breathing treatment and it helped. They sent us home with the machine to do it here every 4 hours. He is getting better a little at a time.)

I do want to say that blogging has been an essential tool in my recovery. It really helped me explore my feelings and come to terms with my surgery. Thank you all so much for being a part of that. I can honestly say your support made a difference.

Missing You Today

I am having one of those days where I miss my grandma so much it feels unbearable.

Every once in a while I get the urge to just jump in the car and drive over to her place and visit her. Then I remember I can't. Today was one of those days.

I can picture every single detail about her home like I was there yesterday, but it has been years. Even before she died, she was in a nursing home because she had a stroke. The place I want to go only exists in my mind. That living room I want to go sit in right now is only a memory.

This is picture of my grandma holding me when I was a baby. It's blurry but I like it because she looks so happy and proud to be holding her first grandchild. I hope to see that look on my Mom's face someday soon.

Sometimes my parents would have to work late nights on the weekend so I would stay overnight at my grandma's house. This is an example of how spoiled I was. Propped up with tons of pillows and bowls in the bed from the breakfast that was served to me. This picture makes Adam laugh and he says, "Oh, this is where she gets it from." I sometimes eat dinner like this now :)

This is a picture of my grandma and I from a few years before she passed away.

After my hysterectomy surgery, I started sleeping with a blanket she made me.

She made it when I went away to college so I had something warm that matched my new college bedding.

I honestly don't know why I started sleeping with it. It just made me feel safe. Like everything would be okay.

Even Brinkley knows it's special.

I think a lot of my feelings today come from a few things that I have been trying to keep buried inside. One of them is that a couple days ago I found out that someone who means a lot to me is very sick. I'm not ready to write about it yet, but I have just been ignoring it and not dealing with my feelings and I think they're coming through in other ways.

I have been feeling like this all day.

Then I talked to my mom and she said the last of the things from the garage sale have been picked up. We had made arrangements so that all the left-over items from the garage sale were donated to different places. Today it was a bag of stuffed animals that were picked up. I had arranged for them to be picked up, but I had no idea where they were going. My mom called to tell me that coincidentally they were going to the nursing home my grandma lived in after her stroke. 

I found a way to get off the phone with my mom and then immediately started sobbing. All day I was missing my grandma and then I find out the last of the things from our fundraiser for our adoption are going to that nursing home.

Everytime I would go visit her there she would tell me that she wanted me to have a baby. (She didn't really understand how hard we were trying.) I wish she could have lived long enough to see us bring our baby home. I miss her so much.