Winter Cabin Party

In February, my siblings and I threw a surprise party for my parents' birthdays. They are the same age-- just born three days apart-- and they were turning 60 so we knew we had to do something special.

They thought they were going to a winter cabin party adoption event. I even made a fake flyer about the fake event and put it on my fridge.

Of course last minute my dad had to go and make it difficult and say he might not come because he was really tired that day. I had to give him a big guilt trip about Jayden wanting him there.

There was a big snow storm right before the party. It made the park absolutely beautiful, but my brother's flight was cancelled. I was so sad because it was going to be a huge surprise that my brother was there. We live in NY and he lives in Oregon so it's not often he can come home. It would have been awesome. My sister did come from Boston though so that was a great surprise. My parents didn't even realize she was there for a while. They were talking to everyone else and then all of a sudden saw her. It was so fun. There were a couple other people that were big surprises too.

 Cake

 Party Favors

 

 

Centerpieces

I am now selling these centerpieces in my shop!
You can go here to check them out: So Much To Celebrate

The hit of the party was definitely the hot chocolate bar. 

 Fun with photo props (which can be purchased from So Much To Celebrate)

As it got to the end of the night, Jayden took the broom out and started sweeping. It was like he was saying, "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." 

This is how I found him in his car seat when we got home. He partied hard.

I am so happy we were able to pull this party off. They were truly surprised and it's a day they will remember.

Weekend Adventures

With not having a car for a while because of repairs...and not really leaving the house because leaving the house always leads to spending money we don't have, I had been feeling down. There is only so much time you can spend in your living room before you go crazy.

Adam and I have been going to the drive-in for years. We took Jayden twice last summer and it worked fine because he just slept in my lap, but we knew taking Jayden this year would not work. But, we wanted to go and it's a pretty cheap night out considering you get to see two movies. Plus going to the drive-in has always felt like a mini getaway from life. Between the long drive into the country to get there, the cool evening air,  and walking on rocks, it feels like a little like camping without actually going camping. We bring food and blankets and it's fun. It's exactly what we needed.

In order to go to the drive-in, we needed to leave Jayden at my parents' house. I have left Jayden very few times in his lifetime. I can count on two hands the number of times we have been apart and that's including times he has been home with Adam while I run errands. If everything went well, this would mean leaving him overnight! We made a plan. I would check in with my mom after the first movie and if Jayden was still up, we would leave and come get him. If he was asleep, we would stay for the second movie and pick him up the next morning. I knew it would be tough for him to sleep there because he is used to co-sleeping with us everynight. My mom got him to sleep in the guest bed with her all night so that was a relief.

Before the big sleep over, we took Jay to Chuck E Cheese's for the first time. We had a great time. (Although he did manage to pick up a cold while we were there!)

                                    

He wasn't so sure about it all at first. He covered his eyes when it started moving!

He loved these horses.

Especially looking at himself in the mirror!

 

Signing "again" when the ride ended.

Checking out the big tires.

If you look at that sweet look on his face in the last picture, you will see why I did not want to leave him for a night! But, I knew it would be good for us to get out for a night and I knew he would have a great time at Grandma and Grandpa's house. The funny thing is that it was Adam that was completely freaked out about leaving him. The entire drive to my parents' house he kept going on about how he can't believe I am okay with leaving Jayden for the whole night. I was the one reassuring him!

We went to see The Five Year Engagement and American Reunion. It was a chilly night- somewhere in the mid 30s- but we stayed in the car and had blankets so we were fine. I checked in with my mom and Jay was sound asleep so we decided to stay for the second movie. 

During intermission we turned the car on to get some heat on us after a cold walk to the bathrooms. (My choice of flips flops wasn't very smart...and Adam certainly wasn't smart wearing only a t-shirt and shorts!)

Then we watched most of the second movie before I demanded we leave. It was awful. Commenting on how bad it was wasn't enough for me. I needed to leave. Adam finally agreed and tried to start the car. It wouldn't start. Panic started to set in. We tried to get in the trunk to get jumper cables out but the trunk would not open without the battery working. It doesn't have a key hole (I stood there holding my cell phone as a flash light trying to find a key hole!) and the button to pop it open must depend on the battery. We were freaking out because the movie was getting close to being over and the drive-in building was already closed! The lights were all off and they were gone. Adam was trying to get into the trunk from the inside of the car and I started running around to strangers in their cars asking for help. All of the other movies were over so the lots were empty. There were very few people left around so I was so scared we were just going to be left behind. The drive-in is in the middle of nowhere and we would've been stuck there alone at 1:30 AM.

One car didn't know anything about cars, batteries, or jumper cables. The next car said they would help, but then realized their jumper cables were in their garage and not in the car. I felt like a crazy person knocking on car windows and scaring people. We finally found someone willing to help just as the movie was ending. He drove over and hooked his jumper cables up. But, it didn't work. Over and over again...it didn't work. Adjustments were made....it didn't work. Finally after some teamwork, Adam and I got our jumper cables out of our trunk. They worked! I am so thankful that couple stuck around and helped us!

We were so grateful to have a working car that we celebrated with 2 AM tacos. (There was actually a long wait.) Sometimes you just need tacos. We left the car running the whole time, of course.

The next morning it was so fun to pick Jayden up and see him so happy to see us. We could tell he had a good time. They played with toys until bedtime, he slept with Grandma at night, and then in the morning Grandpa made him monkey pancakes.

As soon as we were in the car, he was fast asleep. My mom fell asleep right after we left too. She said she doesn't know how we get any sleep with him moving around and making noises all night. :)

First Holidays

I had a Groupon for making a photobook and as I was thinking about what to put in the book, I realized that Jayden has had all of his "first" holidays. Starting with Halloween and ending with 4th of July. I decided to make a book of all those holidays. It always takes me forever to do this stuff. This one took days!

I love the book so much I decided to share with all of you:



(Yes, I included Dr Seuss' Birthday as one of the holidays. hehe)

Mother's Day

Many years ago when I was working at a daycare, I was in charge of closing the building on the Friday before Mother's Day, so I had to be the last one out of the office. The time clock was right outside of the office I was working in, so everyone said goodbye before leaving. We were trying (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant at the time so it wasn't exactly fantastic to hear "Have a great Mother's Day weekend" over and over again.

Then one person was getting ready to leave and I heard her going past all the rooms and saying goodbye to teachers and the parents that were there picking their children up. Over and over I heard, "Happy Mother's day to you." She clocked out and said it to everyone in and around the office. Then made a point to say-"Well, Lisa, I can't say it to you." Of course she didn't realize what she said, but it was like a stab in the heart. I rememeber holding it together and then crying in my car.

Through the years I have tried to get through Mother's Day many ways:

Pretend nothing is wrong. Do all the Mother's Day stuff but don't think about it. Just another day that doesn't apply to me.

Ignore it. Complete media block and no leaving the house.

Going overboard with it. Spending money I didn't have to show my Mom how much I appreciated her and making a huge deal out of it. (My Mom is awesome so it was totally worth it.)

But, this weekend I will be spending Mother's Day in a way I never have before.

AS A MOM!

But, as I am celebrating, I will also be thinking of those of you who are still waiting and hoping for their chance to be a Mom. I hope this is the last Mother's Day you have to feel this way.

I will also be thinking of a very special Mom who gave me the opportunity to be a Mom. I am forever grateful for her and I will be holding her in my heart this weekend.

Thankful

Yesterday somebody commented on my blog post from a year ago and it made me go back and read it. I really liked it, so I am going to post it again. I remember how truly thankful I felt as I wrote this list. What a difference a year can make.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I am Thankful

I am thankful for Adam. We have been through a lot in the past nine years and he has been amazing through it all. He deserves his own post.

I am thankful for my cats. I love my babies so much.

I am thankful that my family can get together and have a really good time together. Interesting conversations, lots of laughter, and so much fun. I am really looking forward to all of us being together at Christmas.

I am thankful that my parents live only 20 minutes away and we see them on a regular basis. I am also thankful that Adam enjoys spending time with my parents.

I am thankful for my doctor. She was stuck giving me my biopsy results over the phone, but she did a good job. She gave me her personal cell phone number to call her if I needed to talk about it more. How many doctors are willing to do that? Then she sat down and talked to me right before my D&C surgery and made sure I was okay. I had tears streaming down my face during the entire conversation, but she made me feel like I would be okay no matter what happened next. She is really supportive and I feel like she is doing everything she can for me.

I am thankful that we have medical insurance. We are very lucky.

I am thankful that I was able to start a business from home so when our baby comes, I will be home with him/her.

I am thankful for all the parents and children I work with. They are really good people. I am lucky.

I am thankful that I have a mom that I can tell anything to and who is always there for me. She is my best friend.

I am thankful for my adoption friends. It is so nice to have people who really understand. They are so supportive and even though they have already adopted, they are still there for me. They are still giving me pep talks and reminding me that my time will come.

I am thankful for our house. It took us a long time to save up and buy a house. It's not big or fancy, but I would not trade it for any other house in the world. I love it.

I am thankful for all my twitter friends. So much love and support. So many laughs. I love you all.

I am thankful for Facebook for helping me keep in touch with old friends. Even if it is sometimes hard to look at baby bumps, sonograms, and birth announcements everyday.

I am thankful for my TiVo. I love it. I am sorry if that is too materialistic, but I do. Also, my lap top.

I am thankful that my sister and brother married awesome people. And that all 6 of us can get together and have the BEST time together. I just wish it could happen more often!!

I am thankful that Adam and I chose adoption. That we are homestudy approved and it's only a matter of time before our baby finds us.

One Week

Jayden is sleeping so I really should be sleeping too. He seems to have his days and nights mixed up and likes to stay up all night. Sleep around here is hard to come by.

But, I just wanted to write a few of my thoughts down.

When they brought him into the room at the hospital for the first time, he was in his little hospital bassinet and screaming up a storm. We had been in this little hot room for a long time and I was so anxious to see him. I asked if it was okay if I picked him up. They said yes and as soon as I did, he snuggled into my chest and stopped crying. That is the moment I fell in love with him. Everyday that feeling grows stronger. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like my heart will burst.

I know this is cliche to say, but he was worth the wait. I would wait another two years if I had to in order to be with him. If I had gotten pregnant or if we adopted quickly, we would not have Jayden.

Things were really scary the first night. I am so grateful my Mom spent the night. As we get to know him better, things get easier. Of course we're not sleeping, but I think I am on some sort of newborn high because it doesn't really bother me. I mean, I get waves of complete exhaustion, and sometimes I do dumb things that remind me I am sleep deprived, but overall, I guess I am surprised at how little sleep I actually need!

I love that my Mom comes over after work everyday to see Jayden. It means so much to me that she loves him so much. She sent me a text five minutes after leaving the morning after she slept over that said she misses us already. One morning on her way to work she sent me a text saying she has Jayden fever. Both my parents have posted cute facebook statuses and lots of pictures. Jayden and my Dad had a special photo shoot. I will share those pictures in my next post! Their love and excitement reminds me that the long wait was just as hard on them as it was on us.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about Jayden's first Mom, but I have decided not to write about them here. I plan on doing it with pen and paper and putting it away somewhere special. I will just say that there is a very special place in my heart for her and I am thinking of her everyday. I wish we had a chance to meet. I will be sending letters and pictures every month to the agency that she can choose to receive at anytime. I have also said if she ever wants more contact than that, I would love to arrange something.

I am amazed at what a good father Adam is. He had never even held a baby before Jayden. He is an expert at diaper changes. Jayden HATES having his diaper changed and always screams, but Adam stays cool and gets in done a whole lot quicker than I do. Everytime he looks at Jayden, I can see the love in his eyes. Sometimes when we finally get Jayden to sleep and should be sleeping ourselves, we lay in bed talking about all the things we love about him.

To those of you who sent gifts, you all made me cry. Your kindness will always be remembered. Getting packages in the mail has been so much fun and as we open them, I tell Adam and my parents all about each of you. They have loved hearing about all your stories. We have had so much fun reading all the beautiful messages on Baby Shower for Lisa! that I have decided to make it into a book. Someday Jayden can see how loved he was by people all across the country with big hearts. I am working on writing an individual thank you to each of you. It's taking longer than I would like, but I will get there. I appreciate all of your friendship so much.

Adam is on the verge of grounding me if I don't get off the computer and eat some dinner. Somehow eating and sleeping just don't seem important to me anymore! It's been nice being able to blog for a short time though. Oh, and it may take me a while, but I will be back to blog reading before you know it! (I hope. I miss you guys!!!)

It's been one week with my baby boy. I love him so much.

Autumn of Hope

It's time to say good-bye to the Summer of Suck and hello to Autumn of Hope.

I have not bought anything, other than small garage sale items, for the baby in a very long time. But, this week I bought a Moby wrap sling. I have had it picked out for two years, but finally bought it this week. I was thinking about how once our baby comes home, I will not have a lot of time with just baby before adding other kids into the mix and needed to be prepared for some baby wearing pretty quick.

It got me thinking about making a baby registry. Many people who wait a long time at our agency end up having placements with very little notice. I do not want to regret not having a registry set up.

So....my Mom and I are going to Buy Buy Baby tomorrow to start a registry!!

I am all about the hope lately.

I've decided enough bad stuff has happened and now it's time for the good.

I could really use your help, so please leave any registry advice you may have in the comments section. Thank you!!

Progress: Garage Sale Preparation, Homestudy Paperwork, & Adoption Profile

This past weekend was intense. Both physically and emotionally.

We picked up many donations for our garage sale fundraiser, which often involved moving furniture or carrying heavy boxes. Thankfully one friend offered to help us move things with her truck Friday night and another friend helped us move things with her truck Saturday afternoon. Adam and I have small cars so that was a huge help.

I spent a lot of time putting prices on baby clothes on Saturday. I kept trying to stay positive and not let it bother me, but it definitely contributed to a lot of feelings coming up.

In general the garage sale has brought up a lot of feelings. There has been a lot of adoption and babies talk. My mom has talked a lot about being a grandma. Preparing for the sale has been an immense amount of work and I think everyone wants to keep reminding themselves why they are working so hard. Kind of "keeping their eye on the prize."

Saturday night I had a complete breakdown and cried for an hour. I didn't even really know why I was  crying. I think it was just a build up of a lot of emotions.

The amount of donations from people has been amazing. My parents' garage is completely full and so are many rooms of their house. There are donations everywhere. My poor Mom. She finally gets things cleaned, priced and organized and then another car load of stuff comes over. She is working from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to sleep. I feel so guilty. She is working harder than anyone should have to work in order to become a grandma.

The fact that so many people care and are willing to help is overwhelming. Friday night I was in the driveway at my parents' house looking at all the donations and I tweeted: "Dear Baby, So many people love you already." Just sending that message to twitter gave me tears in my eyes. The feeling is so intense. I have always been uncomfortable with people doing things for me and this past week it's been nonstop. I have had to force myself to just relax and accept everyone's help. I don't know how I will ever be able to thank everyone for their generousity.

On top of garage sale preparation I was also working on our adoption profile changes. That comes with it's own set of emotions. I want so badly for this version of our book to be the one that gets us chosen to be parents. I really think we did a good job. I woke up early this morning to finish putting the books together so Adam can mail them on his lunch break today. I also finished all our renewal paperwork to send along with the books. The only thing left now is my physical. *gulp*

Adoption Fundraiser Sign Making Party

I am so thankful for all the generous donations that have been made for our adoption fundraiser. It's been a huge reminder of how lucky we really are.

Last night @melachrino, @creepygroovy, @kfelluca, and my Mom came over our house to work on signs. We had a great time doing it and I am excited about all the awesome signs that were made. I did some photoshop scribbling over the address so I could share pictures of some of the signs that were made.

We have had some incredible donations of things to raffle off. More information on that to come!

No, Lilly is not for sale, although after her big escape the other night, Adam would like to consider it.

HUGE thank you to @melachrino, @creepygroovy, @kfelluca, and my Mom for all their hard work last night. A special thank you to @melachrino for her donation of all the sign making supplies!

Support

We went to the drive in last night. I figured it would do us some good to get out. We always have fun when we go to the drive-in. And, hey, if I end up crying, at least I'll be in my own car! We saw Karate Kid and The Bounter Hunter. Karate Kid was the compromise movie. I sit through that and then Adam sits through the romantic comedy. To my surprise, I actually really liked Karate Kid. I recommend it.

As we were pulling out of the driveway to go to the drive-in, Adam noticed there was a package on the front porch. He stopped, ran up to get it, and then threw it in the backseat of the car. It was an amazon.com box and was addressed to me. I didn't have anything sharp to open the box with so it just sat there. Adam gave me a big lecture about spending money, but I kept insisting I didn't remember ordering anything!

We didn't get home until 2:30 in the morning. As soon as we got inside, I opened the package. It was a book called "The Woman's Book of Courage. Meditations for Empowerment and Peace of Mind." I found the slip in the box and there was a note from a friend of mine about how much this book helped her through some tough times.

I was then standing in my kitchen at 2:30 in the morning crying. Crying about how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life.

Just earlier that evening I was talking to Adam about how amazing that friend was for being there for me the day we got the call about the Iowa baby. She called me from work and talked to me about every detail of the situation. She helped me do the research needed to make the decision to move forward with the baby. I trust her 100% because she has already been through this process. She knows which risks are okay and which ones are just too much for Adam and I. I am so lucky to have someone like that to talk to and run everything by.

I have another friend who also adopted from our agency and her wait was even longer than the wait we have had so far. She has been amazing at keeping my hope alive. She knows what it's like to have a long wait and always knows the right thing to say. She sent me a lady bug pin for good luck and I keep it on my nightstand.

Between them, my twitter/blog friends, my amazing family, and Adam, I have a great support system.

Oh, did I mention how awesome my mom is? When I got the call about not being chosen for the Iowa baby, the kids were getting off the bus. She left work, came right over, told me to go relax (cry) in the bedroom, and played hot potato and other games with the kids until they got picked up.

Despite everything that has happened, I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

32 Birthdays

Growing up, I had amazing birthdays. My parents had parties for me every year from the time I was one year old until I went away to college. Parties that all my friends loved coming to. We had so much fun. When I was in middle school and high school, my friends did such a good job at making my day special. I always had a decorated locker with crepe paper, signs, and balloons. Birthdays felt absolutely magical.

Then adulthood hits and everything just feels boring in comparison.

Then infertility hits and every birthday is a reminder of time passing. You are scared to death of getting older because you know it's a decline in your fertility. Not to mention just plain devestating that you aren't a mom yet. For the past few years, I have spent every birthday crying. I have not enjoyed a birthday in a long time. I have actually dreaded them.

Things feel a little different now.

Any chance of my fertility was wiped out with one surgery. So, this is no longer a countdown to all my eggs dying. They're gone.

It is still sad that I am having ANOTHER birthday without being a mom. I honestly didn't think that would happen.

BUT, I know I am going to be a mom this year.  I fully 100% believe that.

So, I can now say 32 is the age I will be when I become a mom.

That's pretty exciting, right?

We're being profiled for two babies. I woke up to twitter and facebook birthday messages that put a smile on my face. I think it might actually be okay to celebrate my birthday this year.

Of course a phone call with good news from the agency would make it even better....

;)

Hair Care Class

Tonight Adam and I are going to an African American hair care class.

The class is about an hour and a half away and it starts at 6. My Mom is coming here to watch the kids until their parents come to pick them up and Adam got someone to cover for him at work so we could leave on time. I am grateful to have an amazing Mom who is willing to come here after a long day of work so we can go. They only have the class once a year so we didn't want to miss the opportunity.

I am a little nervous to go because I get nervous going into any new situation, but I know we will learn a lot. It will also give us a chance to spend some time with other people who are waiting to adopt as well as people who already have adopted.

Random Thoughts

I have had many thoughts in my head the last few days, but haven't been able to put them together to write a blog post since last Friday.

I was going to write about Mother's Day, but there really aren't words for how hard it is to still be childless on Mother's Day...all these years later. Honestly I spent a lot of time on Facebook that day. It was like watching a train wreck. All the sappy status updates from mom friends writing about how their children are the greatest thing in the world and their life wasn't worth living before their children. I could not stop reading it all.

Luckily my Mom is awesome and instead of some corny Mother's Day brunch we had a belated cinco de mayo party Saturday night. Tacos, margaritas, and no mention of who is or isn't a mother.

Our new profile books are made and mailed. It took trips to three different places to find the kind of books we need. Oh, remember how I was mad at Adam because he wanted me to go with him to buy the books because he was afraid he would get the wrong ones? Well, I made him go alone anyway and he got the wrong ones. I had to return them and get new ones. Lesson learned.

Making the books was a total hassle and I really hope that is the last time we have to do that.

I missed Meatless Monday this week because we went to see Pearl Jam Monday night. I ate a peanut butter and banana sandwich in the car on the way there. At the stadium they were charging $4 for a pretzel and Adam said he would rather starve than pay those prices so he didn't get anything.

I woke up this morning with a huge amount of anxiety. I have a problem with anxiety. I used to take meds for it. I am now pretty good at talking myself through it. Part of what I do is make a list in my head of every single thing that is bothering me. Everything that could be contributing to what I am feeling. Then I think about the worst case scenerio for each thing. Then I come up with a plan if that were to happen. I know it is weird that thinking about the worst things that could happen calms me. But, once I know I have a way to deal with everything, I can relax.

The biggest thing freaking me out right now is that we keep getting closer and closer to when our homestudy expires. I am not ready to really think about that. My worst case scenerio for that whole situation ends in us never getting a baby. (Things would have to go really wrong.) So, that's not one I like to think through too much. For now I am just telling myself it can happen any day now.

We are having a little party at our house Saturday night so it's helping me to have that to look forward to. I am hoping the weather is okay so we can have a fire in the backyard and make S'mores. I already bought a lot of chocolate. So, rain or shine, we are having S'mores... even if I have to make them in the toaster oven.

It's 10 PM and I have a pile of laundry on the bed bigger than me, so I better go take care of it so we have a place to sleep tonight. I feel better after blogging. Maybe my anxiety attack this morning came from not blogging since last week. Maybe I need this more than I realized.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

I love my Mom. She is my best friend. We talk every single day. She is always there for me and talking to her makes everything feel like it's going to be okay.

Today is her birthday and I wish more than anything in the world I could give her a grandchild for her birthday. I know this wait has been just as hard on her as it has been on me. I feel sad about that everyday. We have been waiting for a decision from an expectant mother for a couple weeks now and the whole time in the back of my head I have been thinking about how cool it would be if we were chosen and I could tell her in some fun way on her birthday. (That obviously never happened.) I know the day we are chosen will eventually come and when it does, she is going to be the best grandmother ever.

Happy Birthday, Mom!!! I love you!

My Mom with my sister Katie

My Mom with my sister in law Christy