In The Box

I almost forgot!

In case you were still wondering what was in that box...

It was.....

A 5 foot tall giraffe!!!

Jayden loved him.

I got him all animal themed things for his birthday this year. A kick ball with animals on it, animal pajamas, an elephant book, and a big stuffed giraffe.

I think Grandma loved the giraffe as much as Jayden.

The giraffe on party day.

Diaper Chemicals...Anyone Else Worried?

For the most part, we use cloth diapers, but we do have disposables in the house for when I don't time things out well and can't finish the laundry in time.

Whenever Jayden is wearing a disposable diaper, I can smell the chemicals.

I said something to our pediatrician about it and she said there really are a lot of chemicals in diapers. She said she doesn't use cloth, but she does use the more natural disposables they sell, with less chemicals.

I have done only a little research into this, but apparently if you ask diaper companies, they won't tell you what is in their diapers. But many websites have some of the chemicals listed and they are scary. Chemicals that are linked to things like asthma and even cancer.

Have you noticed how much thinner diapers are now than they used to be? I work with older children and haven't diapered babies in many years. Not since I was a teenager doing baby-sitting. When we bought diapers for Jayden, I was shocked at how thin they were. I thought maybe we bought the wrong kind, but they are all like that. I found online articles about the proud diaper companies announcing their new diaper innovations that are so much thinner than before. But, they aren't made using magic. They obviously have to be made with more chemicals.

I feel like that is something a lot of people don't talk about. I mean, baby books push for you to feed your baby organic food, but then you should diaper them in chemicals 24 hours a day? I wish diaper companies would make changes in the other direction. Less chemicals instead of more.  I bet mothers would be okay with thicker diapers or diapers not quite as leak proof if it meant healthier.


And even beyond the chemicals being against your baby's skin, these same chemicals then go into the ground....and eventually our water. Think of all the used diapers out there in the world.

I know I worry more than most people, but isn't this something we should be scared of?

Making Your Own Baby Food: Questions

Oh, bloggy friends, I have so many questions about making baby food. I borrowed a bunch of books from the library about making your own baby food and it only left me with more questions. Some of them even say opposite things from each other.

Jayden will be 6 months old in less than two weeks (eeeeek!).....

So, to those of you who have done it, HELP!!

Please give me all the advice you have.

Is a special baby food machine that steams and purees worth buying?

Or should I stick with a regular steamer and our food processor?

If I use the food processor, is a food mill necessary?

Is it okay to make everything in big batches and freeze? Or do some things not freeze well? How long can purees stay in the freezer?

How do you heat up your frozen purees?

Any other advice that you have? Random things you learned from doing it yourself?

Thank you so much in advance for your help!!!

Cautiously Optimistic

I woke up this morning feeling a little nervous that maybe something had changed overnight.

But, as the day went on, and we received no phone call, I started to relax and let myself believe this is really happening!

We have done a lot of shopping....and cleaning....and hoping that this is finally it....

The baby's bed is all set up next to ours.

Going home outfit is washed and packed.

We have clothes, diapers, formula, bottles...everything all ready to be used. (It looks like a baby store exploded all over the house.)

Here is the plan:

8 AM- Call the pediatrician.
9AM- Call the agency to confirm all the hospital paperwork was faxed to them.
9:30 AM- Go to the bank to get ceritified check for full placement fee amount. Yikes.
10ish AM- Head to agency to start filling out paperwork.

After hours of paperwork torture....go to the hospital to pick baby up!!!

Then bring him home.....EEEEEK.

Can this really be happening?!

Oh, and we officially have a name picked out....

Jayden :)

Baby Registry (From the Perspective of a Future Adoptive Mom)

I am glad we got our baby registry started now because it took a full two hours and we really don't have a lot on the list. There is so much to decide! As you are looking at everything, you are desperate not to make a bad decision and register for a product that may hurt your baby. Or may not provide optimal brain development. Or just may not be a good product.

When you register for your wedding, it's a lot easier. You see something you like, you scan it.

The bottle decisions alone took about 7 hours to finalize. We had to decide in the store which brand to use, and then after talking to a lot of people after, we made decisions on how many of each size, which extra nipples we will need, etc. (By the way, bottles are surprisingly expensive. We bought 4 in the store, plus a bottle brush, and I was shocked how much it came to.)

For someone who has been dealing with infertility for seven and a half years, just walking into a baby store makes me you feel like an alarm is going to go off and security is going to come and tell you that you are a fraud and need to leave.

I was actually having anxiety as I sat in the chair in the registry area. Like I was doing something wrong.

When she asked me for my due date and I explained it was an adoption so I don't have a due date, she gave me a blank stare. Then she said, "Okay, when will you get the baby?" I said it could be tomorrow, or it could be months from now. Blank stare. I suggested we use a random date. I ended up choosing January 1, 2011. But then it really upset me to see 2011 on the paper. I know it's just a random date that means nothing, but it upset me. I really don't plan on still being waiting when 2011 hits.

When I got home, I went online and checked to see if I could change the date. I made it Decemeber 25, 2010 instead. Somehow that made me feel a little better. Although it really was a blaring reminder of the hardest part of the past two years- not knowing when it will happen. What I wouldn't give for a crystal ball.

Trust me, nobody wants to know the date it will happen more then me.

It bothers me that the computer program they use requires a date. Couldn't they have added in an adoption option in the program? That would not have been hard to do. I know I am not the only one who has come in there in my situation.

While they are at it, they could make up a few adoption gift bags to give people when they come in. Ones that don't include breast feeding guide books and the magazine Fit Pregnancy. It also had something called a Belly Bar. It says "moms-to-be need extra nutrients." I am guessing they aren't talking about me.

While we were there I was extra careful to not even gaze in the direction of anything for pregnant women. Like breast pumps, heartbeat monitors, or things you can use to play music for your baby in the womb. I felt like if I was caught looking at them someone would come over and say they are not for me.

I know I am more anxious than the average person, but I am guessing that other waiting adoptive parents can relate to at least some of these feelings.

I am also very shy about sharing my registry. I am afraid there is something on the list that screams out that I don't know what I am doing. I think that comes from the general feeling of being judged over the past two years. So far nobody that has seen our profile has chosen us to be parents. I feel a lot of extra pressure to prove I will be a good mother.

I thought registering would just be something fun to do. I was not prepared for all the emotions that came with it. I am definitely glad we got it started though. One less thing to worry about later. And now we have some bottles to get us started. I keep taking them out of their box and looking at them. I can't wait to use them.

Autumn of Hope

It's time to say good-bye to the Summer of Suck and hello to Autumn of Hope.

I have not bought anything, other than small garage sale items, for the baby in a very long time. But, this week I bought a Moby wrap sling. I have had it picked out for two years, but finally bought it this week. I was thinking about how once our baby comes home, I will not have a lot of time with just baby before adding other kids into the mix and needed to be prepared for some baby wearing pretty quick.

It got me thinking about making a baby registry. Many people who wait a long time at our agency end up having placements with very little notice. I do not want to regret not having a registry set up.

So....my Mom and I are going to Buy Buy Baby tomorrow to start a registry!!

I am all about the hope lately.

I've decided enough bad stuff has happened and now it's time for the good.

I could really use your help, so please leave any registry advice you may have in the comments section. Thank you!!

The Upside of a Long Wait

There are many positive things that have come from having a long adoption wait.

(Yeah, I am just as surprised as the rest of you that I am writing this post.)

The first thing is blogging. I would never have started blogging without this wait. Blogging has given me a healthy outlet for my feelings that I used to keep bottled up. Not only has it allowed me to express myself, but it has given me an amazing support system as well. I have met friends I never would have met and I am so thankful to have them. It also lead to blog reading.

I have learned a lot from blog reading. I almost feel as though two years is the amount of time everyone should take to really read and think about adoption before actually adopting. I have come so far from the start of my journey. I have learned so much and my feelings and attitudes have changed so much over time. Just looking at our grids shows how far we have come. Things we would have never been open to in the beginning are not even factors anymore.

This time has strengthened our marriage. I know that if we can get through this, we can get through anything. Many difficult decisions have needed to be made over the last two years and I think we are better prepared to parent as a team because of them.

This wait has also given me time to grieve my infertility. I thought I was "over it" when I began the adoption process. We hadn't done any kind of fertility treatment for a long time and things were kind of in a numb holding pattern. We eventually came to the conclusion that we should begin the adoption process. But in between there wasn't any dealing with the fact that I had those fertility issues. The hysterectomy surgery forced those fertility issues back into my reality. I could no longer think that maybe we would try again after adopting once. If it weren't for the long wait, I don't think I would have grieved the loss of my fertility as thoroughly as I have. I had more issues leftover than I realized.

The wait has also allowed us to buy baby things over time. Buying all new baby stuff is for suckers, haha. There are so many garage sale and craigslist deals that you can get if you look over time. The only new things we have bought are the crib, the pack-n-play, and the car seat. Everything else is used and we have a very full nursery. Baby swing, jumperoo, bouncy seat, toy box, play mat, baby bath, bumbo seat....it's all used, but looks new. We even have a whole dresser full of clothes that look new, but came from garage sales. Most of them were $1. Some of them still have tags on them.

I am definitely not saying I would like my wait to last any longer, but I can admit there are things I have gained from a long wait.

And in case the universe is listening to me right now...... I AM READY TO BE A MOM NOW!!!!

Wordless Wednesday: Hopes and Dreams

14 Months

Today makes 14 months that we have been "homestudy ready" and waiting for a match.

In the beginning, it was exciting. The idea that at any moment we could get "the call" and be parents.

We started buying things here and there. It began with a onesie and then before you know it, we were buying a crib.

A few months later, we had a full nursery:

Once the excitement wears off, you are just left with the waiting.

Our agency was going through a slow patch for a while and in the first 6 months of our wait, we were only profiled once. In 2009, things picked up a little bit and we were profiled more. It helped that we have made changes to all our grids. For those of you not familiar with the grids, there are 3 of them. One of them is medical- possible special needs of the infant, and the medical histories of the birth family. Another one is which races and ages you are open to. The third one is what degree of an open adoption you are open to- pictures, letters, visits, identifying information, etc. Over time, we have made changes to all our grids. Going over and over things and researching as much as we can. Agonizing over every decision. I am happy with where we are at now in all our grids. I wish we had started out as open as we are now because I am sure we missed many opportunities in the beginning. I guess that is all part of the journey.

We have also made changes to our profile. Switching pictures, background paper, things on our "favorites" page....all things that will probably make no difference, but make us feel better. When we are chosen, it will probably be for some completely random reason that we could never have guessed.

I think one of the hard things about a 14 month and counting wait is the people that avoid bringing the adoption up. Like they don't want to remind me I am still waiting. (I am thinking of it everyday whether someone reminds me or not.) It's nice when I get to talk about it because it makes me feel like people are excited for it. That there is still a feeling of hope. I need that to keep going. Even if I sometimes doubt it myself. One of my favorite days in the last 14 months was when I went to garage sales with my mom to get baby clothes. Not because of the great deals we found, but because it was a day of hope. It was a day of imagining a baby wearing those clothes.

Another difficult thing is being left behind by your other waiting friends. It's the best moment of their life. You know their story. You know how hard their journey has been. You are filled with happiness for them. But...you know you are being left behind. It's very lonely.

We have not received a call from the agency about a case in months now. We kind of have an understanding that they will profile us for cases that are a good fit without calling me each time. Getting invested in every case was too painful over time. This way has been a lot easier on me. Although I do miss hearing about all the cases and knowing how often we are being profiled.

I need to keep telling myself that my time will come. I just need to be patient. If I had to wait another year, it wouldn't kill me. Even if right now it feels like it would.