Saturday, April 2, 2011

It Never Gets Easier

I have to go to a baby shower today.

For twin girls.


I feel pressure to be okay with baby showers now.

But late last night, as I started dreading today's shower, I realized I am really not.

Jayden coming into our lives doesn't change that.

I really don't want to go. And if I have to play some kind of game like guess how big her belly is, I might just go cry in the bathroom for a while.

I am still not over the shock of the pregnancy itself. She got pregnant with twins while on birth control. That blows my mind. They have two other children and they are good parents. I have nothing against them in any way. But, pregnant with twins without trying? While actually trying NOT to get pregnant? Wow. I just can't wrap my head around it.

I've been watching the belly grow bigger over the last few months. She has even lifted up her shirt to show me on a few occasions. My immediate reaction is to avoid looking. It's just too much for me. I think that people assume since I have Jayden now that I am okay with all the pregnancy sharing.

I guess it's true that unless you are infertile, you really don't understand the pain. I've thought about trying to tell them, but I am afraid I will come off mean. I know they don't mean to hurt me, but sometimes it leaves me still feeling bad hours later.

I bought these cute cloth diapers:

...and a few other things in hopes that having cute presents to give would make me more excited about going.

 Wish me luck today.


  1. Hi hon, I'm new to your blog but I thought I would write. I think it would be okay to say how these things make you feel to someone. They don't mean to hurt you, I'm sure, but they have no way of knowing your feelings unless you communicate them. If you're feeling bad hours later, that isn't fair to you. I'm positive you wont come off as mean. Good luck today, and I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries. Hang in there!

  2. Lots of (*hugs*) I'll be thinking about you, good luck hun.

  3. Good luck today. Baby showers are still tough for me too. Some things never go away I guess.

  4. Praying for you today!!! {{{HUGS}}}

  5. *hugs* Thinking of you. I'm so happy you have Jay but I know the hole in your heart is still there.

    PS: Since she's having two, can you steal one for me?

  6. Good luck! (And those are the cutest little diapers ever.) I know the frustration. My MIL "accidentially" got pregnant with twins. One of which is my husband. She was so unhelpful, scratch that, she was actually down right annoying with the whole infertility thing we went through. So I am so sorry you have to sit through this shower...luckily it will have an end.

  7. Cute diapers! For what it's worth, I still get pangs of jealously when I hear of/see pregnant friends, and I WAS pregnant (after tons of intervention) and then adopted and am NOW DONE having babies. It's just a loss that lingers...I don't know if it is worse to have people tiptoe around the awkwardness and avoid you or be unaware of it and hurtful by waving their pregnant belly in your face. I hope you get through the shower alright and I agree that it's OK to tell your freinds what you need as you're coping with your grief. Will be thinking about you.

  8. While you do have the baby, you still will never have the pregnancy. The end goal (baby) is still the most important, but you'll always grieve over what will never be possible for you and your husband. It's ok to feel that way- and you shouldn't feel embarrassed for still grieving over it. Lots of love today!

  9. Thinking of you today. I totally get how hard it is. I still cannot relate to fertile pregnant women. At all. You shouldn't have to apologize for feeling the way you do, or "get over it" anytime soon. It's a HUGE loss to grieve.

    Take cae.

  10. I am the same way. We adopted our little one just over a year ago and it's still hard. I have the most amazing daughter, but it doesn't change the years it took to get her or the fact that I don't have physical control over my reproduction. My sister is pregnant right now and while I couldn't be happier for her, it doesn't make it easier for me.

    Best of luck at the shower.

  11. Oh sweetie, this is so tough, I know. Sending you much love and strength.

  12. *huge hugs* GLad that you made it through the pink shower ;) And I get what you mean (to a point, obvs I don't know exactly how you feel)-even though I have the babes, I *still* haven't been preg....the sting of seeing bellies and hearing people talk about their preg gets me.

  13. I think that's entirely normal. I think over time I've come to realize having a baby is not the same as pregnancy. In the long run, having the baby is more important. But it will always hurt that I didn't get to experience pregnancy.

    And those "accidental" pregnancies are a little extra stabby in the heart.

  14. Nope, never gets easier. And it isn't about wishing for "biological" children or feeling ours are lesser. I am actually to a point where I don't know if I want another child other than Meg. It's about a massive loss, the loss of a part of femininity and self. Something that should have happened so easily, didn't.

    Keep your head up.

  15. Having been the unexpectedly expecting many years ago, I would really much rather know how to behave and not hurt the people that I care about by my situation...Honest....From the flipside, it'd be good to hear how to respond appropriately...And I'd like to think that most people would feel that way. That being said, I would have no idea what to say. But I'd want it to be the right thing. Just don't know what it is. Been thinking about this since I read this post, and just wanted to put that out there. If there is ever anything I can do, or do differently, please let me know. And cutest diapers ever, btw.

  16. I so understand this. I have a dear friend, she's actually the person who set my husband and I up on a blind date, who has gotten pregnant with all 3 of her children on birth control. Then had her tubes tied, and got pregnant again.

    Frustrating for sure. I know this is a bit late, but I hope you made it through everything okay.

    The diapers are adorable.

  17. Having a baby is not the same as pregnancy it never will be and what you feel is completely understandable and I think pretty normal.

    I love the diapers.