Sunday, September 5, 2010

Baby Registry (From the Perspective of a Future Adoptive Mom)

I am glad we got our baby registry started now because it took a full two hours and we really don't have a lot on the list. There is so much to decide! As you are looking at everything, you are desperate not to make a bad decision and register for a product that may hurt your baby. Or may not provide optimal brain development. Or just may not be a good product.

When you register for your wedding, it's a lot easier. You see something you like, you scan it.

The bottle decisions alone took about 7 hours to finalize. We had to decide in the store which brand to use, and then after talking to a lot of people after, we made decisions on how many of each size, which extra nipples we will need, etc. (By the way, bottles are surprisingly expensive. We bought 4 in the store, plus a bottle brush, and I was shocked how much it came to.)

For someone who has been dealing with infertility for seven and a half years, just walking into a baby store makes me you feel like an alarm is going to go off and security is going to come and tell you that you are a fraud and need to leave.

I was actually having anxiety as I sat in the chair in the registry area. Like I was doing something wrong.

When she asked me for my due date and I explained it was an adoption so I don't have a due date, she gave me a blank stare. Then she said, "Okay, when will you get the baby?" I said it could be tomorrow, or it could be months from now. Blank stare. I suggested we use a random date. I ended up choosing January 1, 2011. But then it really upset me to see 2011 on the paper. I know it's just a random date that means nothing, but it upset me. I really don't plan on still being waiting when 2011 hits.

When I got home, I went online and checked to see if I could change the date. I made it Decemeber 25, 2010 instead. Somehow that made me feel a little better. Although it really was a blaring reminder of the hardest part of the past two years- not knowing when it will happen. What I wouldn't give for a crystal ball.

Trust me, nobody wants to know the date it will happen more then me.

It bothers me that the computer program they use requires a date. Couldn't they have added in an adoption option in the program? That would not have been hard to do. I know I am not the only one who has come in there in my situation.

While they are at it, they could make up a few adoption gift bags to give people when they come in. Ones that don't include breast feeding guide books and the magazine Fit Pregnancy. It also had something called a Belly Bar. It says "moms-to-be need extra nutrients." I am guessing they aren't talking about me.

While we were there I was extra careful to not even gaze in the direction of anything for pregnant women. Like breast pumps, heartbeat monitors, or things you can use to play music for your baby in the womb. I felt like if I was caught looking at them someone would come over and say they are not for me.

I know I am more anxious than the average person, but I am guessing that other waiting adoptive parents can relate to at least some of these feelings.

I am also very shy about sharing my registry. I am afraid there is something on the list that screams out that I don't know what I am doing. I think that comes from the general feeling of being judged over the past two years. So far nobody that has seen our profile has chosen us to be parents. I feel a lot of extra pressure to prove I will be a good mother.

I thought registering would just be something fun to do. I was not prepared for all the emotions that came with it. I am definitely glad we got it started though. One less thing to worry about later. And now we have some bottles to get us started. I keep taking them out of their box and looking at them. I can't wait to use them.


  1. Yes, yes, YES!!!! I never knew how to explain it, but I always felt/feel like a fraud walking into a baby store, too. Or even the baby SECTION. We don't have any stores here that do baby registries (grrr) so I made mine on Amazon instead since they have free shipping on a whole lot of their stuff.

    A nickel's worth of free advice someone gave me? Don't buy a ton of bottles. Buy a handful and make sure baby likes them, then go buy more. Some babies just don't like some types of bottles and you won't know til he or she arrives. :)

    Other than that, you can't do wrong!! Trust yourself. You DO have Momma's instinct, you know, even if you don't have a kid to use it on yet!

  2. I'm pretty sure one of the places I registered at had an adoption option. But you are right. EVERY place should have that. I'm so glad you started registering. I think it's wonderful to start planning for something that WILL happen! :)

  3. All of us should write letters to the baby stores about the adoption option instead of a due date!
    My hubby and I went to buy the Crib and Changing table on sale at Target today only to find out the crib was recalled. I felt like an idiot trying to buy a recalled crib.
    BTW adoptive mommies can breastfeed if they want. There is a pill the Ob/gyn can prescribe for you that makes you body think you need to produce milk and I think it is after a month or two you can produce. Granted you'd have to pump until you bring the baby home but just think of all that milk you'd have in the freezer.

  4. I think having the due date thing is stupid- and they definitely don't tailor those registries to people who are adopting or people who lose their babies. And I totally get changing the date on it.

    That woman in the store... wow. I know that a lot of people don't understand adoption very well, but it still shocks me to the extent that they just don't get it.

    I also think it's great you're getting it done and taking those steps- I hope that your baby finds it's way to you soon. Hang in there!

  5. I did look into the breastfeeding option when we started the process. I wanted so badly to be able to do it. But, it just wouldn't be safe for me. My body reacts violently to me taking hormones. It's why I couldn't get pregnant. I have had serious allergic reactions, systemic blood infections, hemorrhaging, and cancer cells. After what I went through last December there is no way my OB/GYN would risk it.

  6. Lisa, I am glad you did the registry! I know how it feels to wander around with no big belly - I did it with a newborn (which made for even weirder glances - not to mention he was black) HA! I just took it all in stride. Life is not about fitting into a mold. Be glad you stick out a bit. ;)

  7. I'm so glad you were able to get your registry. It makes my heart happy and hopeful for you both.

    Hoping you get that call very soon *hugs*

  8. I think it's wonderful that you took this step and did the registry! And I totally agree that there should be some adoption options...maybe we should all write some letters! I think it's too easy for people to forget or not acknowledge these type of situations and there really should be more awareness brought about it. Hmm...something to think about! :)

    And I agree, trust yourself with the registry. Think the basics and you can build on it from there. I remember going to the store to "check it out" (wow was that overwhelming!) and then went home and checked out reviews for the different items we were interested in before officially registering. And anything we thought of later that could be added online vs in-store, we did. ;)

  9. I am proud of you for doing the registry <3 I completely agree that there should be an adoption option on every registry.

    I agree with Jaime-trust yourself with the registry. When I start to think about all the things we will need if we get SIL's kids, I get overwhelmed, then I remember that babies/kids don't truly need all that much. Adding things to the registry at a later date is always an option :)

  10. Yay for getting the registry out of the way! It is weird to be walking around not pregnant and registering for baby stuff. Really weird. Our registry has an adoption check box but the stupid thing never saves properly and it wouldn't show up on the printed out version anyway. Really lame. Oh, and I got the same attitude from a different big-ass store. Luckily I had started one online but was barely helped when I asked about adding at the store. They practically tossed the gun and the info in my direction without looking. Those stores suck.

  11. you will be a WONDERFUL mother. I don't think anyone has any idea what to register for, and you just figure out what your baby needs when it arrives. Every baby is different. Every parent is different. There is no perfect registry. But I would LOVE to see your registry. DM me if you don't mind sharing: @esqwearsprada

  12. I know you've probably thought of this already, but I don't suggest having people shop off the registry or for a shower until the papers are signed. We made the mistake of having 3 showers for our domestic and then it fell through at the hospital. Now we have all these things that remind us of our failed adoption plus now we have a girl and I have boy things. Eh.

    I agree about the adoption bags. I say suggest that to or something. It's a good idea. I was the same way about the registry. It was fun to do but also stressful. I thought people would think I was an idiot when they looked at the things I put on there.

  13. The place I used had an adoption option, but I still had to put a date in. What bugged me more is that there were not a lot of options for Elfe's age - not everyone adopts a newborn baby! It was a lot more fun and less stressful to register for children's books at Amazon...

  14. I hate so much that you feel like you have to PROVE that you will be a good mother. YOU WILL BE AN AMAZING MOTHER. No question. No first time parent knows what bottle to buy, and I'm sure they all feel judged and nervous - that's just part of the parenting industry, IMO. If the bottle sucks, you'll get a new one. NO BIGGIE! One thing I always tell myself is that when our moms were new parents, there were like two bottle options, and we all turned out just fine.

    I'm soooooo proud of you for making this step!!! I can't wait for it to be time to put that registry to use!

  15. You are so right! I remember almost 10 years ago now trying to do this. I went with Sears and the lady flat our told me I couldn't register. My first experience with adoption prejudice. I was so incensed I was buring up. I asked to speak to a manager. And I did so. Then I wrote a letter. Nothing. No change. I friggin' boycotted sears then for several montsh. I was so mad. That doesn't count or some fing thing is what she said. Honest to god. We should all write letters to baby registries everywhere to tell them there should be an adoption option on the registry.

  16. I just keep it as a gerneral Amazon wishlist for our adoption.

    I've had 3 kids and should be more comfortable with babies r us....but the place frightens me!!!

  17. "For someone who has been dealing with infertility for seven and a half years, just walking into a baby store makes me you feel like an alarm is going to go off and security is going to come and tell you that you are a fraud and need to leave." I can totally relate to this.

    I am such a glutton for punishment that I actually took a part time JOB at Babies-R-Us in hopes of "educating" myself and all thinking that maybe all of that babydust would blow my way. Educated? Perhaps. Babydust? HA!

    Best of luck to your baby finding his/her way into your arms soon!

  18. Now I bet you're REALLY glad you started the registry. :)

  19. Congrats! I too felt like a fraud walking around the B-R-us. I was the only one without a belly. I kept looking at the floor and avoided different sections that I thought might cause me to burst into tears.

    I think the date thing relates back to when the store can purge the information. Like they remove it a year after the "due date." So if your finalization isn't going to be for a while and you still want people to be able to get you something off of your list, put the date as far into the future as you can. That way it won't hurt as bad if you have to change it to move it out when the process is slower than you expected.

  20. Congratulations on your sweet little son! I had to share with you that we are in the adoption process, and I had the same feelings as we registered a few months ago. And to top it all of, I have had three daughters (biological) and have registered as a big ole pregnant gal with each of them. But this process has opened my eyes to a lot of things that adopting couple go through. Like choosing some random future date of birth, or not wanting to let others know you have a registry because it might be too soon. It's crazy!