A Day At The Farm

I took Jayden to a farm last week and he loved it! 

As we were getting ready to go, I was telling him about  all the animals we would see. He said "Peek A Boo Barn?" (It's an app he likes to play on my Nook.) Yes, this is a real life Peek A Boo Barn, haha.

 He found more animals under the platform.

 Baby goat.

 Pretending to eat like the goat.

 He had to look in each shed to make sure he was not missing any animals.

 Feeding sheep.

 Petting sheep.

 Playing with sheep.

 Free range Jayden.

 Climbing a tractor.

 He went down the big slide!

 Just two buddies having a conversation.

He heard a mom say that two year olds are too little to go up this and I think he took it as a personal challenge because he went right over and started climbing.

He had the best time. We'll definitely have to go again and bring Adam next time.

My Appointment Is Tomorrow

I am in bad place.

My first gynecologist appointment since my surgery two years ago is tomorrow morning.

I have been cancelling and putting it off and now I have to go.

Waves of anxiety have come over me tonight and I feel like I can't breathe every time I think of walking into that office. 

I've obviously never liked these appointments, but this level of fear and anxiety is not normal. It's extreme.

I feel like nobody could possibly understand because clearly I am a crazy person having such an extreme reaction to an appointment.

I do not want to walk into the office. I do not want to sit with a room of pregnant ladies. I do not want to pee in a cup. I do not want to be weighed. I do not want to talk about why I have not come in for all this time. I do not want to talk about cancer. I do not want to spread my legs. I do not want a giant light shining on me and making me feel vulnerable. I do not want to be touched.

It all feels like a huge violation.

Just typing this is causing tears to stream down my face. I am not looking forward to crying in front of others tomorrow.

I used to go to these appointments because the end goal was a baby and I would do anything for that. So I endured whatever they threw my way. It was all okay because I was going to get a baby in the end.

Now I have to face all of this head on. All these feelings I've been pushing down for so long.

What do they even do at a lady doctor appointment when you have no lady parts??

I don't want to find out.

And please don't tell me to go so I can be healthy for Jayden. I get that it comes from a kind place, but really it just makes me feel bad for not being a better mom and going before. And makes me feel bad for feeling this way. And I know some people think this should all be okay because I have Jayden. It's not okay. Nothing about this okay. This really is not about Jayden. It's about me.

I know I have to go. I will. Adam is taking me.

But I just needed to reach out there into the blogging world and say I am not okay.

I have reached my lifetime limit of doctor appointments and I don't want to do this anymore. I am broken.

**********

Update:

It's over and I survived. Definitely an emotional day. I just need to wait 7-10 for test results making sure I am still cancer free. The doctor is not worried. Thank you for all the love. I read your comments before my appointment and they meant so much to me. Thank you.

The IRS Is Trying To Kill Me

That title sounds like I should be wearing a tin foil hat talking about how the government is coming to get me.

Really they're coming at me in a much more subtle way. They're trying to exhaust me from this process.

As I've said before, we filed our taxes in early February. The absolute earliest time we could after getting all the paper work needed. There were delays and resubmitting of all our paperwork, but we thought it was finally over in June. We were expecting our money by June 26th.

Instead of our money we got a letter going over the money we were getting and there was a major mistake in it.

We tried calling the number they gave, but they basically told us we had to write a letter saying everything we said on the phone. Why?

So Adam wrote a letter and even included a basic math problem explaining it. We faxed it immediately. We called to be sure they received our fax. They said they were reviewing it.

Okay, so anyday now we would get our money.

We checked our account daily.

Hmmm.

Where is the money?

We called again.

They said, "We're still reviewing it but you will either have your money released to you or be asked for more information within 30 days of the time we received your letter."

Okay, good. We know they didn't need any new information (I joked that I would send a vial of blood if they needed) so we finally had a solid date we would have our money. July 22nd.

Then yesterday I received a letter saying they're still reviewing our letter and we will have an answer by September 5.

WHAT?!?!

Tears immediately started rolling down my face. I've been juggling our finances for months and there is nothing left to juggle. We need that money now. Our savings account is empty, we've gone deeper into debt, and our checking doesn't have enough to pay the bills. That's it. Game over. We need the money.

I called the number they gave and a guy who couldn't have cared less about me said they're reading mail from May so it will be weeks before my letter is even read. I didn't even know what to say to that. It really didn't make sense.

I said that the disputed amount is tiny compared to the amount they've already said they owe us so I asked if I could just have the undisputed amount. He said that could be done in cases of financial hardship. Okay, great, that's us. Give me my money. He said we would have to talk to a taxpayer advocate and he gave me the number.

I had heard about tax payer advocates but was hoping this would not come to that.

I call them and the lady was awful to me. She said they are very busy and unless my house is about to go into foreclosure and my utilities are being shut off, they won't help me. I tried to talk to her about our situation and she got mean and said they can't help. I was crying and she was yelling at me. Perfect.

I'm going to start paying all my bills with a letter saying I'm reviewing their request for the money I owe them and I'll let them soon whether I need more information or I will release money to them.

Other fun things going on: 

The inspection on my car is up and I know a lot needs to be fixed.

6 more days until my appointment. 

Jayden is working on two year molars and nobody in this house has slept in days.

After all that complaining, I'll leave you with two cute pictures:

Jay running on the beach on Friday.

Jay playing with his cars yesterday morning.

And a cute story:

We have a book that we read to Jay a lot. Last night rather than let us read it, he insisted on being the one to read it to us. It was mostly signing with some words mixed in, but he "read" the whole book to us. I was dying. He even acted out the parts we do. It was so funny and so cute.

Ball Of Anxiety

You may remember me writing this post last summer about how I had a complete breakdown calling my gynecologist for an appointment for the first time since my hysterectomy.

Well, I never went to that appointment. When it came time, there was an emergency at work and Adam could not get the time off to come with me. Then we were busy with Jayden's adoption finalization and his first birthday. I did make another appointment but cancelled it because my anxiety got the best of me.

My family has been harassing me for a long time and I finally made an appointment a month ago. I liked that they had a long wait until they could see me. But, that wait time is almost over. My appointment is in 12 days. (Aaaand...cue the tears....)

I need to go to this appointment. I know how important it is. But, my insides feel all twisted in knots when I think about going.

Adam is taking off from work so he can go with me and watch Jayden while I have my appointment.

Just taking a step into the office is going to be really hard for me.

We're waiting to hear from the IRS about our money they STILL haven't paid us. (Despite filing in early February.) They said they have until the end of this month to either release our money or ask for more information for us. It's really scary to wait and know we can't pay bills much longer without it. Our finances have been such a juggling act for months now.

Tomorrow morning my mom is leaving for a two week trip to visit my brother. It's going to be hard having her so far away. My anxiety is always worse when she travels. And now I am also feeling sad about how long she will go without seeing Jayden. Since he was born they've never been apart more than a few days and lately they've been spending a lot of time together.

So, basically, I'm a ball of anxiety.

Now that I have blogged about my appointment, I have to go. It's going to be awful and I'm probably going to cry, but I'll go.

Sigh.