I am in bad place.
My first gynecologist appointment since my surgery two years ago is tomorrow morning.
I have been cancelling and putting it off and now I have to go.
Waves of anxiety have come over me tonight and I feel like I can't breathe every time I think of walking into that office.
I've obviously never liked these appointments, but this level of fear and anxiety is not normal. It's extreme.
I feel like nobody could possibly understand because clearly I am a crazy person having such an extreme reaction to an appointment.
I do not want to walk into the office. I do not want to sit with a room of pregnant ladies. I do not want to pee in a cup. I do not want to be weighed. I do not want to talk about why I have not come in for all this time. I do not want to talk about cancer. I do not want to spread my legs. I do not want a giant light shining on me and making me feel vulnerable. I do not want to be touched.
It all feels like a huge violation.
Just typing this is causing tears to stream down my face. I am not looking forward to crying in front of others tomorrow.
I used to go to these appointments because the end goal was a baby and I would do anything for that. So I endured whatever they threw my way. It was all okay because I was going to get a baby in the end.
Now I have to face all of this head on. All these feelings I've been pushing down for so long.
What do they even do at a lady doctor appointment when you have no lady parts??
I don't want to find out.
And please don't tell me to go so I can be healthy for Jayden. I get that it comes from a kind place, but really it just makes me feel bad for not being a better mom and going before. And makes me feel bad for feeling this way. And I know some people think this should all be okay because I have Jayden. It's not okay. Nothing about this okay. This really is not about Jayden. It's about me.
I know I have to go. I will. Adam is taking me.
But I just needed to reach out there into the blogging world and say I am not okay.
I have reached my lifetime limit of doctor appointments and I don't want to do this anymore. I am broken.
It's over and I survived. Definitely an emotional day. I just need to wait 7-10 for test results making sure I am still cancer free. The doctor is not worried. Thank you for all the love. I read your comments before my appointment and they meant so much to me. Thank you.