Sunday, July 22, 2012

My Appointment Is Tomorrow

I am in bad place.

My first gynecologist appointment since my surgery two years ago is tomorrow morning.

I have been cancelling and putting it off and now I have to go.

Waves of anxiety have come over me tonight and I feel like I can't breathe every time I think of walking into that office. 

I've obviously never liked these appointments, but this level of fear and anxiety is not normal. It's extreme.

I feel like nobody could possibly understand because clearly I am a crazy person having such an extreme reaction to an appointment.

I do not want to walk into the office. I do not want to sit with a room of pregnant ladies. I do not want to pee in a cup. I do not want to be weighed. I do not want to talk about why I have not come in for all this time. I do not want to talk about cancer. I do not want to spread my legs. I do not want a giant light shining on me and making me feel vulnerable. I do not want to be touched.

It all feels like a huge violation.

Just typing this is causing tears to stream down my face. I am not looking forward to crying in front of others tomorrow.

I used to go to these appointments because the end goal was a baby and I would do anything for that. So I endured whatever they threw my way. It was all okay because I was going to get a baby in the end.

Now I have to face all of this head on. All these feelings I've been pushing down for so long.

What do they even do at a lady doctor appointment when you have no lady parts??

I don't want to find out.

And please don't tell me to go so I can be healthy for Jayden. I get that it comes from a kind place, but really it just makes me feel bad for not being a better mom and going before. And makes me feel bad for feeling this way. And I know some people think this should all be okay because I have Jayden. It's not okay. Nothing about this okay. This really is not about Jayden. It's about me.

I know I have to go. I will. Adam is taking me.

But I just needed to reach out there into the blogging world and say I am not okay.

I have reached my lifetime limit of doctor appointments and I don't want to do this anymore. I am broken.

**********

Update:

It's over and I survived. Definitely an emotional day. I just need to wait 7-10 for test results making sure I am still cancer free. The doctor is not worried. Thank you for all the love. I read your comments before my appointment and they meant so much to me. Thank you.


19 comments:

  1. Big hugs to you Lisa. I'm not going to pretend to understand how this feels for you, because I haven't been there. BUT I have been faced with similar feelings of anxiety and what helps me is having an out in the back of my mind. Like that if it becomes too much for me I can walk out the door and I will be okay. Sometimes having options help me get through it. And sometimes I have to take things minute by minute and tell myself that in x number of minutes I will be back in my safe zone.

    Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.

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    1. That helps. Thank you. I never really thought of that. There is no law that says I have to stay there if it's too much. I mean I'm sure I will once I am there, but it kind of helps to feel less trapped and forced into the situation.

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  2. Big hugs to you. I have no sage advice to offer but just wanted to send some cyber-support your way. You aren't crazy for feeling the way you do. So much PTSD-like feelings are so normal after all you went through. I completely understand why you put it off so long. I hope your appt is short so you won't have to worry anymore.

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  3. Oh, love. You're not broken. There is nothing wrong or bad or broken about feeling anxious. I know it's miserable and feels horrible and I wish you felt better, but don't feel like something is wrong with you. I'm thinking of you.

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  4. You are not alone. You are feeling something that a lot of us have felt. And I wish you did not have to feel these feelings or go through this.

    [[Hugs]]

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  5. Thinking of you and sending (*hugs*)

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  6. Reading this breaks my heart. I will be thinking about you tomorrow. <3

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  7. *hugs* I will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending you lots of love. I hope you get in and out in a timely manner.

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  8. Lisa, I'm so sorry this appointment is causing such horrible anxiety. I get a bit anxious too. Each time having to go to my Dr's and the nurse asking the dreaded birth control question. "No I'm not on birth control, there isn't any point if I can't get pregnant."
    I can't begin to imagine the feelings that you are feeling right now. The only thing I can say is breathe. Don't forget to breathe.(((HUGS)))

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  9. Sending you love and support and zero ass-vice. You are a strong woman and can handle what you need to. Roar!!!

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  10. After every single lady business appointment, every.single.one, I go to the bathroom in the hall outside their office and cry. I cry from having to sit with the preggos and not be one of them. I cry because I hate having to put myself in such a vulnerable situation. I cry because chances are I cried when the doctor told me anything about my health. I hate those appointments with such passion. And you're right, having Pie has nothing to do with it. Nothing at all. Yes, she makes it easier when I get home, but she doesn't remove any of the emotions I have in the moment. My fingers are crossed that things go as smoothly as they can. xoxo

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  11. I'll be thinking about you lisa. I hope it goes quickly and then you can put it out of your mind for a while.

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  12. I'll be thinking about you lisa. I hope it goes quickly and then you can put it out of your mind for a while.

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  13. I am glad you went. I think this first time will be the hardest, the ones coming in the future for your check-ups will get easier as time goes by.

    You are very brave, and I love you.

    xoxo

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  14. I'm sorry I didn't get to comment before you went, but I'm so proud that you made it through. I know you've been dreading it for so long and that even making the phone call was hard. You've been through a lot - give yourself a pat on the back :)

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  15. So glad to hear you made it through your appointment! I'm so proud of you for facing your fears and DOING IT!!! You should be very proud too!

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  16. So glad you made the appointment, went to the appointment, and things look okay *hugs*

    Love you girl!

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  17. OMG. You have every reason in the world to not want to go that! Glad you made it through. Sorry kid.

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  18. I am glad that your visit to the gynecologist went okay and that you had good results. I could relate with you because I also feel extremely uncomfortable going to any medical place. I hate going hospitals, clinics, laboratories, and even veterinary centers though I know it would most likely save my life. So do know that you're not the only one. I hope your next visits will go well too.

    Chelsea Leis

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