Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Ball Of Anxiety

You may remember me writing this post last summer about how I had a complete breakdown calling my gynecologist for an appointment for the first time since my hysterectomy.

Well, I never went to that appointment. When it came time, there was an emergency at work and Adam could not get the time off to come with me. Then we were busy with Jayden's adoption finalization and his first birthday. I did make another appointment but cancelled it because my anxiety got the best of me.

My family has been harassing me for a long time and I finally made an appointment a month ago. I liked that they had a long wait until they could see me. But, that wait time is almost over. My appointment is in 12 days. (Aaaand...cue the tears....)

I need to go to this appointment. I know how important it is. But, my insides feel all twisted in knots when I think about going.

Adam is taking off from work so he can go with me and watch Jayden while I have my appointment.

Just taking a step into the office is going to be really hard for me.

We're waiting to hear from the IRS about our money they STILL haven't paid us. (Despite filing in early February.) They said they have until the end of this month to either release our money or ask for more information for us. It's really scary to wait and know we can't pay bills much longer without it. Our finances have been such a juggling act for months now.

Tomorrow morning my mom is leaving for a two week trip to visit my brother. It's going to be hard having her so far away. My anxiety is always worse when she travels. And now I am also feeling sad about how long she will go without seeing Jayden. Since he was born they've never been apart more than a few days and lately they've been spending a lot of time together.

So, basically, I'm a ball of anxiety.

Now that I have blogged about my appointment, I have to go. It's going to be awful and I'm probably going to cry, but I'll go.



  1. It probably WILL be awful, and you probably WILL cry. But you know what? You'll realize yet ANOTHER thing that you're strong enough to face. Your PTSD with that place is totally understandable, but you are way stronger than it and will get through it and the next, and the next, like a rockstar. Promise. (and we'll be tweeting you support right up until they get you in the stirrups. then it'd just be creepy)

  2. Oh man, I'm so sorry that you're feeling all this stuff right now. First, I'm very proud of you for making that appointment, and I'm VERY glad that Adam will be going with you. I know this is stressful, but you need to take care of yourself - for you as well as for Jayden! Sending you peace and hugs as you await your appointment...

  3. It's going to be just fine! I understand how hard it must be, but you'll be just fine. I am sending you big hugs!!!

  4. Oh sweets. :( This makes me hurt for you. Love and peace to you as you deal with all this crap. If you need to talk, you know how to get in touch. I'm proud of you for making the appointment and making the commitment to go despite your feelings about it! <3

  5. I'm so sorry. I also hope that things will get better for you financially - do you have new families joining your daycare in September?

    Best of luck to you at your appointment!

  6. I wish you all the best with that. I cant say what I know what you're going through but I wont foget what my wife went through, it is tough, I hope you find the strength to follow through. x

  7. You have so much going on at once... no wonder you have anxiety. :( Sending you calming thoughts and lots of love for the coming weeks. <3