Screwed.

I started off this school year watching five children. Three of them were part time, two were everyday. I used to have a bigger group, but with Jayden, this was a good number to have.

The only thing that made me nervous was that there are only three families for those five kids. Two families had two kids coming here, which meant if something happened like a parent lost their job, I would lose two children instead of just one.

Also, the new family with two kids is related to the other family of two kids. The moms are sisters. The first family has been coming for 4 years so I didn't think it would be a problem, but it's a lot of my income tied to just one extended family.

I checked and double checked with the new family (with two children) that they were sure they needed a full year of care. I know from experience that I can get kids in late summer for the Fall, but it's next to impossible to get new kids in the middle of the school year.

She reassured me she is a planner and likes to look at things ahead of time. She even went over with me that in the winter things might slow down for a month or two....and we agreed on a great summer schedule that worked well with the other family.

Then in October, some very bad news came. One of the parents lost his job. I was devastated. Not just because of the money, but because they had been coming here for four years and I couldn't believe I wouldn't be seeing them all the time. (Also, I've been very worried about them and their situation.)

They kept sending the kids for as long as they could, but by early November they could no longer afford to send them. They still have their bus stops at my house in hopes that they can come again when their Dad starts working again.

It's been really hard financially. We've been struggling just to get by. Mostly because we were already financially hurting from the adoption. We've been waiting for the adoption tax credit so we can finally pay off our huge adoption loan (that we've been making payments on for three years.)

And then it happened.....

On Thursday the sister and brother got dropped off here. It's christmas break so it was supposed to be for all day. The girl says to me that she can't play with Jayden because of her eye. I immediately went on high alert that she was here with something contagious. I asked her what is wrong with her eye and she said she didn't know, but her Mom was calling the doctor and getting her medicine. I immediately thought of pink eye and got scared. I separated her from the rest of the group. I asked her if anything has come out of her eye and she said green stuff.

I called her mom (who didn't say a word to me when she dropped the kids off quickly) and asked her about it. She said she didn't know what it was. She thought maybe it was an allergic reaction because of something she was exposed to the day before. But, wouldn't that be in both eyes? And it certainly would not mean green stuff is coming out of it. Allergies would would be clear.

I explained to her that a friend recently had pink eye at her daycare and had to close and she got it and everything. It's not fair to put everyone here at risk. Adam would have to miss work if he got it. I'd have to close the daycare if I got it. Poor Jayden is just getting over an ear infection and is getting three new teeth. This is the last thing we need.

I've worked in daycare for 15 years. If a child is having a discharge from their eye, they need to see a doctor and can't return to daycare until they have a note saying they don't have pink eye. This is common across the country.

Her kids have never been to a daycare (they went to Grandma and Grandpa's house) before so maybe she didn't know. But, if you think about it, it makes sense. How I am supposed to take that risk?

I wasn't asking for a note. I just said if she didn't know for sure what is wrong with the eye that she take her to the doctor.

She hung up the phone on me after saying she is coming.

When she got here, she was visibly angry. She kept her back to me the whole time. I tried telling her the girl said to me she had green stuff coming out and she just cut me off and got the kids out.

Maybe this whole thing would have been different if she came in when she dropped them off and talked to me about it. I had to go by what the girl told me.

I have a responsibility to everyone else. I am sure if she was in my shoes, she wouldn't want to expose her family to something unknown and possibly highly contagious.

I mean, really, we had to spend our morning washing toys, gates, tables, etc....shouldn't we be mad she brought them and exposed us?

Then yesterday I got a call from her giving me two weeks notice that the kids are leaving. I tried saying that I think there was a miscommunication and I asked if we could talk about it. She said no. She said they decided this wasn't the right place for their children and they will no longer be coming.

Because I said your daughter couldn't be here with possible pink eye or other contagious thing? Really?

I spent so much of yesterday crying.

I called the other family to find out if our relationship was over too because of this. I talked to their dad and he made it clear that they love us and this will in no way change that. He said he has felt bad that them not coming has hurt us financially and they want to get the kids back here and soon as possible. (He is one of the nicest dads I have ever known and I am heartbroken for them that they are going through such a tough time.)

We had a family dinner last night because it's the last night we were all together for the holidays (my sister leaves today) and I was just so devastated. I was shaky all over from the adrenaline. I was feeling anger, panic, embarrassment, and sadness all at the same time. I cried the whole way home from the dinner.

I woke up feeling sick this morning. I have no idea what we're going to do. I put an ad on craigslist and posted something on Facebook, but it's not likely anything will come from that in the middle of the school year. How could they do this to us?

Oh, and how awkward will the next two weeks be with the kids still coming? She won't talk to me but I have to still watch the kids for two weeks? And when do I do at drop off and pick up time. Especially pick up time when I usually stand at the door talking to the dad for several minutes. What am I going to say? "Well, you screwed our lives up pretty bad. We can't pay our bills. How are you doing?"

There is nothing like ringing in a new year wondering how you will survive even the next month.

ICLW

My story is posted on the right of my blog and I don't have too much to add to that, but I wanted to say WELCOME :)

My family is in town for the holidays and I am very thankful for that. We've been busy with family dinners, shopping, parties, and cookie decorating. Last night Jayden and my two month old nephew were wearing matching pajamas that my mom bought them. Adorable. I love seeing the boys together. My sister in law who lives on the other side of the country just got into town (my brother is flying in on Friday) and is coming over today to play with Jayden. I can't wait.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my big surgery. During our adoption wait, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and had a radical hysterectomy. Even two years later, I still feel my scars every night before I fall asleep. This Christmas will be very different from the one two years ago. I have so much to be thankful for now. The anniversary of my surgery still holds a lot of emotion for me though.

This is probably too deep for a "Welcome To My Blog" ICLW post, huh? ;)

I look forward to meeting new people and visiting your blogs this week!!

Laughing at 3 AM

For a couple weeks I was trying to figure out if Jayden knew the difference between the cats. I thought he was saying Lilly, but I wasn't sure.

Then one morning he got up very early and we brought him into bed with us. We got all settled into bed and we thought he was going back to sleep.

I heard one the cats come in the room and then Jayden all off a sudden stands up in the bed and yells, "Lilly!" "Lilly!" and then makes the same noise with his mouth that we do when we call the cats.

I died laughing.

It was 3 in the morning and we could not stop laughing.

We eventually fell back asleep for a couple more hours and then in the morning I was talking to Adam about how I wondered if he really knew the difference between the cats. Lilly isn't even the cat we call the most. We definitely say Brinkley more often. Jayden then walked right up to Lilly and put his face in hers and said "Lilly" again. Brinkley came in the room and I asked Jayden who that was and he said "Brinkley" and walked up to him. What?! I couldn't believe it.

Of course he doesn't say the words perfectly, but it's clear which one is which.

And since then a few times Jayden has bent over and called "Lilly!" while looking under the tree because she is under there so often. The fact that he uses the same noise we do when he calls them just kills me. It's so cute.

Poor Layla is left out. We don't call her name very often. She is older so she sleeps more and doesn't get into trouble. She sleeps on the bed a lot and Jayden always knows where to go to find her though.

I Survived Another Baby Shower

I recently went to a baby shower. My mom and Jayden were invited too so I decided it would be okay to go.

Of course as it got closer all those same old feelings started to come up. Why do I always forget that baby showers are not a good place for me? Can someone please remind me next time it comes time to RSVP to one?

As I was getting ready to go, I gave myself the same pep talk I have done for years. Telling myself I was fine, this was no big deal, I am happy for the person having the baby, etc. And reminding myself not to think those infertile thoughts.

It ended up being a huge shower. It was overwhelming. It was the kind of shower that makes me want to be as invisible as possible. And trying to keep a 14 month old quiet. happy, and not running through the room opening presents was no easy task. Although, I don't think I would have survived the shower without him.

One thing I did that I found helpful was pass on the games and concentrate on socializing with the few people there that I knew.

Of course I did receive some pressure to participate in games, but I responded by saying- "I am an infertile at a baby shower. By law I do not have to play shower games." I am proud to announce that it worked well and I highly recommend it to all of you. Give it a try. Maybe it will catch on. ;)

My cousin who was helping throw the shower has had two failed IVFs and is currently saving money for a third. I told her that I said I didn't have to play shower games because I am infertile. She agreed and added that she was so infertile that she didn't have to watch present opening. She washed dishes instead.

One thing I can honestly say is that my infertility being so out in the open is really liberating. And I love that my cousin is just as open as I am about it. We're a good team and it's nice to have each other. I wish more people had that. The only thing I can think of is the more we speak out, the less taboo all of this will be and the more likely people will be able to find support in places they never thought.

 (Of course I understand it's not possible for everyone to come out of the infertile closet, but I do wish things were different. I've had friends come to me and tell me about their infertility but make me promise to keep it a secret because nobody in their life knows. It makes me sad.)

The Teary Infertile at Santa's Workshop

We took Jayden to see Santa the first day it was available at the mall. Silly me thought going before Thanksgiving would mean shorter waiting time. There was some lying miscommunication about what time Santa would be showing up that meant we were in line for well over an hour. By the time he showed up, there was a huge line behind us and Jayden was really sick of waiting in line. But, when Santa arrived with full marching band, I'll admit my frustration melted and I was sappy about Jayden's first time seeing Santa.

Even as we waited in line, the saleswoman (and yes, I am calling her a saleswoman and not santa's helper) was already working on us to buy picture packages.

I had some cash in my pocket, but not enough to even buy just the basic one printed picture. I had no idea Santa pictures were so expensive!

My parents were with us and my Dad had planned on taking some pictures. Of course once I said we weren't getting a package, they told him he had to stand really far away and the salewoman stood in the way of him on purpose.

Because I am the sappy infertile, I was emotional about this whole experience. I waited many years for this. I was so proud of Jayden when he sat in Santa's lap and listened carefully as Santa spoke to him. It was beautiful and perfect and everything I had hoped for. As I was watching, the woman said to me, "You aren't going to buy pictures for his FIRST time meeting Santa?!?" She said it like she was disgusted by me. It hit me hard and I cried. I realize she was just doing her job, but what an awful thing to do to a mom. Moms already have enough guilt about things without being made to feel like the worst mom on the universe for not spending a fortune on Santa pictures.

I mumbled something about losing my job, although it really was none of her business. One of the families I watch are going through a hard time and are not coming for at least a couple months. My income is now half of what it was and money is tight right now. I was trying to go out and have a nice morning with my family and not think about all that. Luckily the tears in my eyes sent the message to leave me alone and stop pushing. I hope because of that she went a little easier on all those mothers behind me.

Fortunately, my Dad has a good camera and was able to take pictures even from far away. We just cropped that woman out of them.

Santa!!!

Even Daddy is excited to see Santa.

The face that makes Mommy's heart melt.

Listening very carefully as Santa talked to him.

Thinking about what he wants to ask Santa for.

Thank you, Santa :)

The Case Of The Missing Mittens

My sister mentioned she was having a hard time finding infant mittens and hats so I told her she could have ours when she came home for Thanksgiving. I was surprised I hadn't already sent them to her with all the other clothes and things I sent.

When she was over our house, she brought it up again and I started searching through our hall closet for what we used with Jayden last year. I found his hat, but couldn't find his mittens. I looked and looked but all I managed to find was some more booties to give them.

A couple days went by and we were all at my parents' house. I was holding the baby and I looked down at his feet. I then announced I had found the missing mittens. They had them all along, but thought they were socks! Thank goodness they happened to pack those particular "socks" for the trip so I could notice and tell them.

I apologized to Ben for his parents and explained that's why he needs his Aunt Lisa. ;)

Cousins

My sister and brother in law came home for Thanksgiving! It was so nice having them here. Especially seeing the new baby.

While they were here, my sister and I took the boys to the mall to pick out matching Christmas outfits for them. (I know it's cheesy, but they will look so cute!!) They enjoyed looking at each other when their strollers were close. At one point we were in different sections and Jayden couldn't see them anymore. He got upset and kept signing "baby." Adorable. I brought him over to baby Ben and then he was fine as long as he could see him.

It's always hard for me to say good-bye to my sister. (In fact, we never actually say good-bye. We always say "See you tomorrow!" even though we know it's not true.) We have a good time while she is here and I can never understand why she lives so far away. I watch shows like Parenthood and all I can think about is how awesome it would be if we all lived close by and could do things like weekly family dinners. And watch our kids grow up together and be friends.

The day after they left, Jayden was walking around signing "baby." Then it hit me. As hard as it was before, now that Jayden is old enough to notice they aren't here and miss them....this is going to break my heart into a million pieces each time.

Look how cute the boys are together:

hehe :)

The bright side about saying good-bye this time is that I know they will be back for Christmas. My brother and sister in law will also be here. I can't wait!!!

Thank You

Thank you for sticking with me even though I've been a bad blogger lately.

I am so thankful for the blogging community. We've all been through so much together. I don't know how I would have gotten through the past couple years without you.

To my American bloggy friends, I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving with friends and family!

I Need More Time.

I am obviously failing at my goal of blogging more often so I can clear out all the thoughts in my head.

I can't find the time.

Jayden can climb and get anything he wants so using the laptop while he is awake is not possible anymore. The minute he sees it, he's either grabbing it out of my hands, pressing all the buttons, or crying because I am not letting him have it. I sure wish I had internet on my phone so I could at least read blogs. Thank goodness for twitter via text!

I almost blogged last night but then I spent over an hour searching online for a doll to give Jayden for christmas. I've had no luck with local toy stores. That's really a post of it's own. The doll aisles are actually pink. Not just the dolls, but the shelves. As if they are announcing THIS AISLE IS FOR GIRLS ONLY. Then there are rows and rows of white girl dolls. Sigh. I have had some luck online, but for the most part they are really overpriced. I am sad there is not more diversity in doll options.

Even right now as I type this, I know I should be sleeping. Teething has been killing us lately. I am getting about as much sleep as when he was a newborn with colic. The last three nights in a row, he got up around midnight and I had to hold him until morning. If I put him down, he would scream. I am exhausted.

So with no time to blog, I write pretend blog posts in my head during the day.

Some of them have been pretty good.

I wish you could read them....

Halloween

We had a great Halloween this year.

Adam always takes off from work on Halloween because it's his favorite day of the year. I had to work before and after school, but we had the middle of the day to go out.

We went to the zoo.

I am pretty sure Jayden's favorite thing at the zoo was the vending machines. We would walk him over to the polar bears and he would walk right back over to the vending machines. He wanted to press all the buttons.

After the zoo we went to our favorite apple mill to get apples, cider, and fried cakes.

Then we went home to carve pumpkins.

Jayden was hilarious. We laughed the entire time. He kept putting the insides of the pumpkins back into the cleaned out ones.

Then he decided to take a bite out of one of the pumpkins.

I guess he liked it because he took bites out of all the pumpkins.

Despite our baby goat trying to eat all the pumpkins, we did manage to carve three.

              My pumpkin.              Jay's pumpkin that I carved.

Adam's pumpkin.

We didn't plan on taking Jayden trick-or-treating because he's so young. We were just going to have him help us give candy out to kids that came to our house.

But then I saw a few kids his age and they looked like they were having so much fun, so I took Jayden to a couple houses right across the street. He loved it and the neighbors were happy to see him.

We have always had fun on Halloween. I love giving out candy to trick-or-treaters and seeing their costumes. But, this year was the best. Who knew having Jayden's "help" with pumpkins and just bringing him across the street for a few minutes would result in one of the best nights of my life. We had so much fun.

Playing In The Backyard with Grandpa

We were at my parents' house yesterday so Adam could help them dig out an area of their backyard for a hot tub. (Which, by the way, I am VERY excited about.) While we were there, my dad took some pictures of Jayden in the backyard.

I love them so I decided to share :)

So proud of himself for getting the little pumpkin to stay on the big pumpkin.

-----------------UPDATE--------------

I could not find these pictures when I originally did this post, but I just found them on my Dad's Facebook page.

These were taken exactly one year earlier than the above pictures :)

He was 6 weeks old in these pictures.

 

Friday Fun- Write Your Own Caption!

We have a lot of fun Fall/Halloween things planned for this weekend that I am looking forward to. I just have to get through this afternoon first! I bet there are others in the same boat so I thought we could do some "Write Your Own Caption" to pass the time!

Aaaaaaaand....GO!

Road Trip With A One Year Old

I'll admit that the comments on my pro/con list about whether to go visit my sister after her baby was born kind of bothered me. (Not to mention all the twitter comments.)

None of them were mean and I completely understand where everyone was coming from.

But it made me feel really defensive. I had good reasons not to go, but I felt like everyone was saying they were just silly or selfish reasons. Why wasn't it a major factor that we were going to be spending a lot more money than we had? Why wasn't strapping a screaming baby into a car seat against his will something I should take into consideration?

The plan was never to go to see the baby right away. My sister wasn't expecting us. We would be seeing him in December either way. Me not going wouldn't have been some major insult. The idea of going was a last minute crazy idea I had.

I just found myself so defensive....when in reality I was about 99% sure I was going so I was in agreement with them.

At the time I wrote that post, I already had reservations and an open suitcase that was half full.

But after reading the comments, I was defending the "con" list more and more in my head and I almost convinced myself we shouldn't go.

Adam read the pro/con list and started e-mailing me from work that we were not going. He was serious. Seeing it listed like that made him realize how big of a sacrafice going there would be.

I responded with, "But, did you see everyone's comments? We apparently HAVE TO GO! or we are the worst people ever." He pointed out that people don't know how precarious our financial situation is until we get our adoption tax credit...or how much Jayden really hates even short car rides.

I kept packing as Adam and I went back and forth about whether we should go. It was kind of one of those things that we knew wasn't a great idea, but we also knew deep down that we were going. By the time he got home from work, the suitcase was almost packed.

We left after work the next day.

It was definitely smart to leave in the evening. Adam drove and I sat in the back with Jayden. The first two hours were rough, but then once Jayden's bedtime hit, he fell asleep. He woke up a few times, realized he was strapped into his car seat, and screamed for a bit. Nothing huge, but I did feel awful wiping tears off his face. Poor little thing didn't understand what we were doing to him.

We got to the hotel about 12:30 AM. We checked into our room and saw there was no crib or pack-n-play like we had requested. I sent Adam back to the front desk and the man told him that it was in our paperwork, but nobody set it up and there wasn't anything they could do now because it was too late. I was so mad. They were well aware that we were arriving late and that we needed a crib.

Adam was exhausted and fell asleep pretty quick.

Meanwhile, Jayden, who had been sleeping for hours in the car, was WIDE AWAKE. It was like having a wild animal in our hotel room. Curtains were moving, lamps were shaking, snacks were all over the floor...and this little being was running all around yelling. Jayden and I hung out in the room until about 3 AM when I finally got him to settle down enough to get into bed with me. The bed was smaller than our bed at home so it was not a comfortable fit with all three of us in one bed. I was imagining all the things I was going to say to the front desk in the morning. (None of them were actually said.)

Morning comes and we get a call from my mom saying my dad is sick. Ugh.

Then she tells us that my sister is worried about the germs and she doesn't want us to see my parents at all before coming to see the baby. (We had breakfast plans with them.) It was a really bad start to the trip. At this point I was overtired, crying, and just wanted to go home.

But things got better once we went to my sister's apartment and Jayden got to meet his little cousin.

Although he was much more impressed with their cat!

He seemed to notice all his old baby stuff. And decided he could still use the bouncy seat.

"Mom, I wasn't done with this, why did you give it to the new baby?"

Me with both babies.

Adam with both babies.

It was really hard to believe that Jayden was ever that little. The only way I could believe it was because Ben was wearing Jayden's old clothes and they fit exactly how they used to fit Jayden.

I am thankful we were able to go and see Ben while he was so little, although my sister was still recovering from giving birth and getting the hang of breast feeding so it felt like we barely got to visit with her while we were there.

Adam, my Mom, Jayden, and I had a chance to get out of the apartment for a while to visit a zoo, which was fun.

Ahhhh...this is much more comfortable.

We had a lot of fun in the hotel pool, but I think Jayden's favorite part of the hotel was the other baby in the room.

The trip definitely had it's ups and downs and it wasn't exactly the smart choice financially, but I am glad we went.

One thing I learned was that road trips go much faster if you listen to a book on tape. I highly recommend Bossypants by Tina Fey!