Friday, August 20, 2010

Missing You Today

I am having one of those days where I miss my grandma so much it feels unbearable.

Every once in a while I get the urge to just jump in the car and drive over to her place and visit her. Then I remember I can't. Today was one of those days.

I can picture every single detail about her home like I was there yesterday, but it has been years. Even before she died, she was in a nursing home because she had a stroke. The place I want to go only exists in my mind. That living room I want to go sit in right now is only a memory.

This is picture of my grandma holding me when I was a baby. It's blurry but I like it because she looks so happy and proud to be holding her first grandchild. I hope to see that look on my Mom's face someday soon.

Sometimes my parents would have to work late nights on the weekend so I would stay overnight at my grandma's house. This is an example of how spoiled I was. Propped up with tons of pillows and bowls in the bed from the breakfast that was served to me. This picture makes Adam laugh and he says, "Oh, this is where she gets it from." I sometimes eat dinner like this now :)

This is a picture of my grandma and I from a few years before she passed away.

After my hysterectomy surgery, I started sleeping with a blanket she made me.

She made it when I went away to college so I had something warm that matched my new college bedding.

I honestly don't know why I started sleeping with it. It just made me feel safe. Like everything would be okay.

Even Brinkley knows it's special.

I think a lot of my feelings today come from a few things that I have been trying to keep buried inside. One of them is that a couple days ago I found out that someone who means a lot to me is very sick. I'm not ready to write about it yet, but I have just been ignoring it and not dealing with my feelings and I think they're coming through in other ways.

I have been feeling like this all day.

Then I talked to my mom and she said the last of the things from the garage sale have been picked up. We had made arrangements so that all the left-over items from the garage sale were donated to different places. Today it was a bag of stuffed animals that were picked up. I had arranged for them to be picked up, but I had no idea where they were going. My mom called to tell me that coincidentally they were going to the nursing home my grandma lived in after her stroke. 

I found a way to get off the phone with my mom and then immediately started sobbing. All day I was missing my grandma and then I find out the last of the things from our fundraiser for our adoption are going to that nursing home.

Everytime I would go visit her there she would tell me that she wanted me to have a baby. (She didn't really understand how hard we were trying.) I wish she could have lived long enough to see us bring our baby home. I miss her so much.


  1. What a nice post about her. She sounds like a special person.

    Thinking of you.

  2. Funny, I was thinking about my grandma today too :)

  3. You are so lucky to have had a grandma like that. :) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today..

  4. (((Lisa))) I too have days like that when I miss my Grandma. She died my Senior year of high school and I always tell Michael that she would have loved cooking for him.

  5. Oh I'm so sorry you're feeling this loss again. Hugs to you sweetie!!

  6. Hang in there lovely lady. I'll be thinking of you today.

  7. What a beautiful tribute to your grandma....

  8. This made me cry. It's such a beautiful, touching post. It made me think of my own grandma. <3

    Hugs, sweetie.

  9. Lisa, Your closeness to your grandmother during her life is why she will always be in your heart no matter how long she has been gone. She is a part of you and all your memories, as far back as you go. By the way, the photo of you at your grandmother's house is gorgeous and I'm sure she beamed with delight,just like in the first photo, whenever you were around.

    I'm so sorry for what youwent through the other day with the choices about pursuing the adoption of the sick baby boy. It's miserable that it has to come down to money. The pain of your dilemma was searingly obvious. Your emotion over his death is so understandable. Terrible for him and his family; but also like he was being taken away from you before you even had a chance at lodging your interest in him.

    I'll bet that your feelings about your grandmother welled up, in part, because of the situation with the baby. What a comfort she would have been, even if she wouldn't have completely understood the enormity of it. It's that unconditional love and wanting to be there for you and you miss that. I hope you are feeling b it better today.

  10. This post is just filled with so much emotion, grief, happiness, love all wrapped into one.

    Though she may not be here physically, she's still with you all the time.

    #56 Miss Ruby

  11. Our grandmothers sound like very similar people. I'm so sorry that you're missing hers much. It hurts! This was a beautiful post though and I know she's watching over you as we speak. Coaching you to snuggle into bed with lots of pillows and hoping you find peace there.

    Big hug to you!

  12. oh my gosh, I still have the blanket that my Mom-ma had with her in the nursing home that she was in a few months before she passed away. When I am on long drives, I pretend that she is in the car with me and we have these conversations where she tells me how proud she is of me for finally getting the things in life that I wanted. I know your grandma is special to you and I am glad that you have memories and pictures to remember her by.. its okay to be sad sometimes, but remember that she wants you to be happy too!

  13. Loved this post. I lost my own grandmother 5 years ago last month. It still seems like just yesterday. I miss her so much still and think of her every day. She was the closest family member I've ever lost and it truly made a mark on my heart. I can tell your loss left a mark on your heart as well. Your words made me cry. I believe my grandmother watches over me and my daughter every day. My daughter was so very young when we lost Grandma, but she wakes up some mornings to tell me how she dreamed about her. I'm so glad Grandma had time with my daughter, even if it was brief.
    It's ok to miss the ones we lose in life. If we don't miss them, they really didn't mean that much to us.
    Thank you for sharing your special relationship with your Grandmother, and reminding me that I'm not alone in my feelings of loss, even after so long.

  14. <3 I wish that I could give you a big ol' IRL hug right now.