Missing You Today

I am having one of those days where I miss my grandma so much it feels unbearable.

Every once in a while I get the urge to just jump in the car and drive over to her place and visit her. Then I remember I can't. Today was one of those days.

I can picture every single detail about her home like I was there yesterday, but it has been years. Even before she died, she was in a nursing home because she had a stroke. The place I want to go only exists in my mind. That living room I want to go sit in right now is only a memory.

This is picture of my grandma holding me when I was a baby. It's blurry but I like it because she looks so happy and proud to be holding her first grandchild. I hope to see that look on my Mom's face someday soon.

Sometimes my parents would have to work late nights on the weekend so I would stay overnight at my grandma's house. This is an example of how spoiled I was. Propped up with tons of pillows and bowls in the bed from the breakfast that was served to me. This picture makes Adam laugh and he says, "Oh, this is where she gets it from." I sometimes eat dinner like this now :)

This is a picture of my grandma and I from a few years before she passed away.

After my hysterectomy surgery, I started sleeping with a blanket she made me.

She made it when I went away to college so I had something warm that matched my new college bedding.

I honestly don't know why I started sleeping with it. It just made me feel safe. Like everything would be okay.

Even Brinkley knows it's special.

I think a lot of my feelings today come from a few things that I have been trying to keep buried inside. One of them is that a couple days ago I found out that someone who means a lot to me is very sick. I'm not ready to write about it yet, but I have just been ignoring it and not dealing with my feelings and I think they're coming through in other ways.

I have been feeling like this all day.

Then I talked to my mom and she said the last of the things from the garage sale have been picked up. We had made arrangements so that all the left-over items from the garage sale were donated to different places. Today it was a bag of stuffed animals that were picked up. I had arranged for them to be picked up, but I had no idea where they were going. My mom called to tell me that coincidentally they were going to the nursing home my grandma lived in after her stroke. 

I found a way to get off the phone with my mom and then immediately started sobbing. All day I was missing my grandma and then I find out the last of the things from our fundraiser for our adoption are going to that nursing home.

Everytime I would go visit her there she would tell me that she wanted me to have a baby. (She didn't really understand how hard we were trying.) I wish she could have lived long enough to see us bring our baby home. I miss her so much.