Last New Year's Eve, I closed my eyes at midnight and told myself 2009 was going to be the best year of my life. I was assuming it was going to be the year we would adopt our baby.
Instead, 2009 was the worst year of my life.
I am not going to do a big 2009 recap post because it can basically be summed up like this: anxiety, sadness, and then a sudden and unexpected hysterectomy.
So, from there, it can only get better, right?
Come on 2010, I am counting on you.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Middle Of The Night Panic
I had my first middle of the night "what the hell was I thinking, I can't believe I let them take my uterus and ovaries without a fight, now it's just in the hands of strangers choosing us which will never happen and we'll never be parents" panic moment.
At 1:30 in the morning I was all of a sudden convinced letting them take my uterus was my worst decision ever. That I should have thought about it longer. That I should have tried alternatives. The logical part of my brain was telling me I should just go back to sleep and that I would feel better about it in the morning. I finally gave in to the logic, and I did feel better about it in the morning.
I am sure there are many more of those moments to come. The physical part of the recovery has been dominating everything so far. I have a feeling I am going to be dealing with the emotional pain far longer than the physical pain I am feeling now.
At 1:30 in the morning I was all of a sudden convinced letting them take my uterus was my worst decision ever. That I should have thought about it longer. That I should have tried alternatives. The logical part of my brain was telling me I should just go back to sleep and that I would feel better about it in the morning. I finally gave in to the logic, and I did feel better about it in the morning.
I am sure there are many more of those moments to come. The physical part of the recovery has been dominating everything so far. I have a feeling I am going to be dealing with the emotional pain far longer than the physical pain I am feeling now.
Monday, December 28, 2009
I Feel Like I've Been Stabbed Seven Times And Had Organs Stolen
I've been crying all afternoon.
I am not even sure why.
I guess hormones could be an issue? Or maybe it's just having so much time to think about everything that has happened.
It could be that it's now been 17 months that we have been waiting.
17 months of waiting for the adoption. Almost 7 years of waiting for a baby.
I am in pain, which doesn't help anything. The pain has been pretty consistent because even though I am getting better, I am also taking less pain medicine and getting up more.
Adam went back to work today. I have been on my own for the first time. I have really missed him.
My throat is killing me. It's actually my throat, mouth, and tongue. I hope I never need a breathing tube again for the rest of my life. I think it had tiny knives attached to it.
Basically, I am miserable.
I felt like I should post something because I have not written since I first got home from the hospital. Now you see why. There is nothing going on here but pajamas, pillows, pain meds, sleeping, crying, and family visiting.
I'm going to be leaving the house tomorrow. Carefully. Very carefully. My parents are having a dinner at their house because my brother and sister in law are leaving on Wednesday to go back to Oregon. So, that will be interesting. It may be good to get out of the house. Maybe wearing pants (even if they are sweatpants) will make me feel human again.
I am not even sure why.
I guess hormones could be an issue? Or maybe it's just having so much time to think about everything that has happened.
It could be that it's now been 17 months that we have been waiting.
17 months of waiting for the adoption. Almost 7 years of waiting for a baby.
I am in pain, which doesn't help anything. The pain has been pretty consistent because even though I am getting better, I am also taking less pain medicine and getting up more.
Adam went back to work today. I have been on my own for the first time. I have really missed him.
My throat is killing me. It's actually my throat, mouth, and tongue. I hope I never need a breathing tube again for the rest of my life. I think it had tiny knives attached to it.
Basically, I am miserable.
I felt like I should post something because I have not written since I first got home from the hospital. Now you see why. There is nothing going on here but pajamas, pillows, pain meds, sleeping, crying, and family visiting.
I'm going to be leaving the house tomorrow. Carefully. Very carefully. My parents are having a dinner at their house because my brother and sister in law are leaving on Wednesday to go back to Oregon. So, that will be interesting. It may be good to get out of the house. Maybe wearing pants (even if they are sweatpants) will make me feel human again.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I'm Home
I am home.
I am in too much pain to write a lot, but I did want to say I am home and everything is okay.
I was not able to get any sleep in the hospital. I was in a lot of pain and really uncomfortable being hooked up to so many things. IV in my hand, oxygen in my nose, catheter in, and plastic things wrapped around my legs squeezing them so I didn't get blood clots. Plus the nurse coming in to check blood pressure, temperature, etc. I am a really light sleeper and it all made it impossible for me to rest.
I am able to sleep more at home, but there are things I do miss about the hospital: the bed, the catheter, and the nurse bringing my pain meds on a regular schedule. I have found it's hard to keep track of pain meds when you are tired and in a lot of pain. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning in incredible pain and unable to get out of bed at all. I took some pain meds and by 5:30 I was able to get myself to the living room to sleep more in the recliner. Thanks to Kim's suggestion, I have come to realize the recliner is the closest thing in the house to a hospital bed and it's a lot easier to get out of if you need to use the bathroom.
Adam has been amazing. Helping me in and out of the recliner or bed whenever I need. Getting me anything I want. Setting the laptop up on a pillow in front of me so I can write this. He has even started keeping a chart of when I take the medications so he can keep track. And in between he has been making Christmas cookies all day!
My Mom brought me lunch and watched TV in bed with me for a while.
I am in the worst pain of my life, but I have a lot to be thankful for. I could not prepare myself for how bad the pain would feel, but I told myself if I lived through the surgery and was able to be home for Christmas, then I would be thankful. No matter how bad it was.
You would not believe the amount of support I have gotten from twitter. They really got me through this. Lots of advice from people who have had hysterectomies. And a gift basket from an amazing group of twitter friends. I will be writing a whole post about that later, including photos of the present they sent me.
My brother and sister in law are in town from all the way across the country. After my surgery my sister in law braided my hair for me, rubbed my leg after a charlie horse, and even wrote me a list of things I needed to do before leaving the hospital.
My sister and brother in law are driving home from Boston right now as I type this.
We are going to all be together tomorrow. I am going to be drugged up and wearing my pajamas in the recliner, but we are going to be together. And we can all enjoy a good laugh as we open presents and find the post-it notes I wrote.
I am in too much pain to write a lot, but I did want to say I am home and everything is okay.
I was not able to get any sleep in the hospital. I was in a lot of pain and really uncomfortable being hooked up to so many things. IV in my hand, oxygen in my nose, catheter in, and plastic things wrapped around my legs squeezing them so I didn't get blood clots. Plus the nurse coming in to check blood pressure, temperature, etc. I am a really light sleeper and it all made it impossible for me to rest.
I am able to sleep more at home, but there are things I do miss about the hospital: the bed, the catheter, and the nurse bringing my pain meds on a regular schedule. I have found it's hard to keep track of pain meds when you are tired and in a lot of pain. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning in incredible pain and unable to get out of bed at all. I took some pain meds and by 5:30 I was able to get myself to the living room to sleep more in the recliner. Thanks to Kim's suggestion, I have come to realize the recliner is the closest thing in the house to a hospital bed and it's a lot easier to get out of if you need to use the bathroom.
Adam has been amazing. Helping me in and out of the recliner or bed whenever I need. Getting me anything I want. Setting the laptop up on a pillow in front of me so I can write this. He has even started keeping a chart of when I take the medications so he can keep track. And in between he has been making Christmas cookies all day!
My Mom brought me lunch and watched TV in bed with me for a while.
I am in the worst pain of my life, but I have a lot to be thankful for. I could not prepare myself for how bad the pain would feel, but I told myself if I lived through the surgery and was able to be home for Christmas, then I would be thankful. No matter how bad it was.
You would not believe the amount of support I have gotten from twitter. They really got me through this. Lots of advice from people who have had hysterectomies. And a gift basket from an amazing group of twitter friends. I will be writing a whole post about that later, including photos of the present they sent me.
My brother and sister in law are in town from all the way across the country. After my surgery my sister in law braided my hair for me, rubbed my leg after a charlie horse, and even wrote me a list of things I needed to do before leaving the hospital.
My sister and brother in law are driving home from Boston right now as I type this.
We are going to all be together tomorrow. I am going to be drugged up and wearing my pajamas in the recliner, but we are going to be together. And we can all enjoy a good laugh as we open presents and find the post-it notes I wrote.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Morbid
I am doing something completely morbid.
I am putting post-it notes on presents before wrapping them in case I won't be around when they get opened.
I know it's morbid, dramatic, and awful.
This is what happens when your surgeon does not reassure you at all that you will even survive the surgery. He made it clear things happen in major surgery and he can't promise me something won't happen to me.
So, I am writing post-it notes. I have things to say about some of the presents I am giving.
I am putting post-it notes on presents before wrapping them in case I won't be around when they get opened.
I know it's morbid, dramatic, and awful.
This is what happens when your surgeon does not reassure you at all that you will even survive the surgery. He made it clear things happen in major surgery and he can't promise me something won't happen to me.
So, I am writing post-it notes. I have things to say about some of the presents I am giving.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wordless Wednesday: Christmas Decorations
Our mailbox with lights :)
Brinkley was watching me take pictures from the door.
Our new Christmas tree :)
Brinkley checking out the new Christmas cards in the card stand.
Friday, December 11, 2009
I Hate My Oncologist
My oncologist is an ass. I hate him.
He did not know anything about me going into our appointment. He asked why I was there and if I knew my treatment options. I said I already had surgery scheduled for the 21st. He seemed surprised by that. How did he not know that going into the appointment?
It was around this time that he apparently grew bored of me because he began looking through his phone.
I asked him if I actually had treatment options. It was my understanding my options were hysterectomy or the cancer progresses. He asked a couple questions and then tells me that there probably aren't really any other options than having the hysterectomy. Shouldn't he have known about my history going into this? I only told him a tiny bit of my history. It's very complicated and I know it was all sent to him. I feel like he shouldn't be making treatment choices based on a couple questions he asked me that don't tell the full story.
I was expecting him to talk me through the decision of whether to have my ovaries taken out too, but he just said he recommends it and there is up to a 25% chance the cancer could come back if they are left in, but it's up to me. He said this all while flipping through things on his phone. I asked about menopause and he said I won't notice it because I will be on hormone replacements. Adam asked if there were side effects to that and he said none that I would notice. None that I would notice? Plus, I thought taking estrogen put you at risk for breast cancer? Then he mentions something about going through menopause twenty years before I'm supposed to has risks like heart problems and stroke later on in life. I couldn't tell whether he was saying if I took the hormones that wouldn't happen. But, it sure did give me more to worry about. I feel like he gave me some random pieces of information rather than really talk me through the decision. He told me to let him know the day of surgery what I decide. Really?
He said he is not sure yet how he will be doing the surgery. He will try to do it the least invasive way possible and then only completely cut me open if he needs to. Which is good because if he can do it the less invasive way, the recovery time would be less. But, because he doesn't know which way he will end up doing it, he wouldn't give me any information about my recovery time or restrictions. I was so frustrated. He acted like it was annoying that we even asked.
He also refused to reassure me in any way that I will survive this surgery. He made a point to tell me people have complications from surgery all the time and he had no way of knowing if I would be one of those people. He pretty much made it seem like- well, you could die, you could live, let's just wait and see what happens.
It was my understanding from my OB/GYN that it's stage one and that after the surgery I would be cancer free. He said, "No, we don't really know what stage you are until we go in." He even said, "Since you have had problems for a long time, then things could be worse." Wow, thanks.
Not one ounce of anything reassuring or comforting. It was a ten minute appointment and he seriously played with his phone the entire time.
As he was leaving the room, I was desperate for anything to hang some hope on and I asked him if he has done this a lot. Hoping he would tell me how often he does it and how most people come out of it fine. He said, "No, I just read how to do it on the internet today." Then he walked out. I looked at Adam and said, "What the hell was that?" Adam said, "I think there might be hidden cameras and we were punked." We stood there waiting for Ashton to come running in laughing and saying it was all a joke.
I cried through the appointment. (Not that he noticed since he didn't look at me.) I continued crying the entire way to the hospital. It shouldn't have been a surprise that they had a lot of trouble getting blood from me. They asked me if I could be dehydrated. Well, I have not had anything to eat or drink all day and I have been crying for an hour straight.
The bright side of my time at the hospital was that they had a nurse go over everything about my hospital stay with me and I was able to talk to her about my surgeon and the awful appointment. She said he is not known for being a nice guy or being good with people, but that he is really good at what he does. She said people come from hours away to have him. (Although she was very disturbed about the things I told her and she said she wants to mention it to someone at the hospital.)
When I spoke with my OB/GYN nurse on the phone, she said the same thing about him. That's he is not good with people, but good at surgery.
That's when I realized, my surgeon is Dr. House.
He did not know anything about me going into our appointment. He asked why I was there and if I knew my treatment options. I said I already had surgery scheduled for the 21st. He seemed surprised by that. How did he not know that going into the appointment?
It was around this time that he apparently grew bored of me because he began looking through his phone.
I asked him if I actually had treatment options. It was my understanding my options were hysterectomy or the cancer progresses. He asked a couple questions and then tells me that there probably aren't really any other options than having the hysterectomy. Shouldn't he have known about my history going into this? I only told him a tiny bit of my history. It's very complicated and I know it was all sent to him. I feel like he shouldn't be making treatment choices based on a couple questions he asked me that don't tell the full story.
I was expecting him to talk me through the decision of whether to have my ovaries taken out too, but he just said he recommends it and there is up to a 25% chance the cancer could come back if they are left in, but it's up to me. He said this all while flipping through things on his phone. I asked about menopause and he said I won't notice it because I will be on hormone replacements. Adam asked if there were side effects to that and he said none that I would notice. None that I would notice? Plus, I thought taking estrogen put you at risk for breast cancer? Then he mentions something about going through menopause twenty years before I'm supposed to has risks like heart problems and stroke later on in life. I couldn't tell whether he was saying if I took the hormones that wouldn't happen. But, it sure did give me more to worry about. I feel like he gave me some random pieces of information rather than really talk me through the decision. He told me to let him know the day of surgery what I decide. Really?
He said he is not sure yet how he will be doing the surgery. He will try to do it the least invasive way possible and then only completely cut me open if he needs to. Which is good because if he can do it the less invasive way, the recovery time would be less. But, because he doesn't know which way he will end up doing it, he wouldn't give me any information about my recovery time or restrictions. I was so frustrated. He acted like it was annoying that we even asked.
He also refused to reassure me in any way that I will survive this surgery. He made a point to tell me people have complications from surgery all the time and he had no way of knowing if I would be one of those people. He pretty much made it seem like- well, you could die, you could live, let's just wait and see what happens.
It was my understanding from my OB/GYN that it's stage one and that after the surgery I would be cancer free. He said, "No, we don't really know what stage you are until we go in." He even said, "Since you have had problems for a long time, then things could be worse." Wow, thanks.
Not one ounce of anything reassuring or comforting. It was a ten minute appointment and he seriously played with his phone the entire time.
As he was leaving the room, I was desperate for anything to hang some hope on and I asked him if he has done this a lot. Hoping he would tell me how often he does it and how most people come out of it fine. He said, "No, I just read how to do it on the internet today." Then he walked out. I looked at Adam and said, "What the hell was that?" Adam said, "I think there might be hidden cameras and we were punked." We stood there waiting for Ashton to come running in laughing and saying it was all a joke.
I cried through the appointment. (Not that he noticed since he didn't look at me.) I continued crying the entire way to the hospital. It shouldn't have been a surprise that they had a lot of trouble getting blood from me. They asked me if I could be dehydrated. Well, I have not had anything to eat or drink all day and I have been crying for an hour straight.
The bright side of my time at the hospital was that they had a nurse go over everything about my hospital stay with me and I was able to talk to her about my surgeon and the awful appointment. She said he is not known for being a nice guy or being good with people, but that he is really good at what he does. She said people come from hours away to have him. (Although she was very disturbed about the things I told her and she said she wants to mention it to someone at the hospital.)
When I spoke with my OB/GYN nurse on the phone, she said the same thing about him. That's he is not good with people, but good at surgery.
That's when I realized, my surgeon is Dr. House.
And if Dr. Gregory House existed in real life, I would want him to be my doctor. Even if he was an ass.
So, I am going to stick with him and be grateful that I will be asleep the whole time so I don't have to spend anymore time with him.
But, my appointment with him is going to make the next week harder on me because I do not feel reassured at all that everything will be okay. I keep trying to tell myself he was just trying to cover his own ass in case something happens, but it still scares me a lot.
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