Sunday, March 7, 2010

Giving Up

Sometimes I fantasize about giving up.

I dream about just saying enough is enough, I am done. I will live the rest of my life childless and never have to feel this pain anymore.

All of this rejection hurts.

19 months of expectant parents looking at our profile and not chosing us.

Now I know logically that it isn’t about them not choosing us, but choosing a couple that they connected with.

But, it’s still a lot of rejection and a lot of pain.

Sometimes it just feels nice to daydream about giving up.

I imagine taking the adoption money sitting in our savings account (we have to have money ready to use at a moment’s notice) and using it to pay off the adoption loan that is so hard to make payments on every month. Then selling everything in our nursery, and taking a nice vacation with the money.

I would never again jump when the phone rings.

Never have my heart race when I check the caller ID and see that it’s the agency calling.

Never again agonize over the decision of whether to be profiled or not.

Never receive another phone call about not being chosen by an expectant parent.

Never have to go months without hearing from the agency and being sad the whole time wondering why they weren’t calling us with profiling opportunities.

Never again have to worry about how we are going to come up with the money to renew our homestudy or pay some other agency fee that comes up that we never thought we would have to pay because we never thought we would be waiting this long.

Then I remember that I would never be happy living my life childless. I have known I wanted to have children since I was a child myself. I made a list of baby names when I was only 11 or 12. When I was younger than that, I loved to play house. My friends would have one or two dolls while we played and I would have about 10 and would name them all and pretend they were my children. As a teenager, I spent every weekend baby-sitting and I volunteered in elementary schools during the week. In college, I worked at a daycare during summers, I was part of the big sister program at school, I did student teaching, and an internship in a school psychologist's office. I majored in elementary education and child psychology. I have spent my entire life working with children. I have always, always wanted to have children of my own. I know in my heart that I would be a good mom.

So, I wait.

I continue with this process that breaks my heart everyday.


  1. I found my way here from the Lady Blogger Tea Party. Best of luck to you during the adoption process. I hope that it doesn't take you too much longer.

  2. Lisa, I am thinking of you & hoping this all ends VERY soon for you!!

  3. Lisa, I hope you get your baby soon. I'm keeping everything crossed for you. I don't want you to have to suffer through this any longer. I'm keeping you and Adam in my thoughts. <3

  4. <3 I hope and pray that 2010 is the year that you and Adam get your baby.

  5. I really think this is the hardest part. It was for me at least. Hang in there.

  6. I know that you will be an amazing mother. I think of you every day and pray that your little one comes home to you soon! *hugs*

  7. I hope that you get the call soon! I know that when you do the baby will be the perfect one for you! Don't get will happen for you! Sending lots of love & hugs! -t

  8. I feel like giving up every single day. It's not fair to any of us... But as they say "life isn't fair" Keep your head up sweetie, you have been in my prayers since we started talking and you will STAY in my prayers...hang in there and remember ALL of us are here for you!! Praying you get that phone call asap!! *hugs*

  9. Please PLEASE don't ever give up. I'm living proof that it's possible. My mom was 34 and waited 10 yrs for me - but it happened. I know it will happen for you too - you are too amazing for it to not happen. <3

  10. I am so sorry, Lisa. But please don't give up. Your baby is still out there, somewhere, waiting for you. I hope you get the phone call to take him or her home VERY soon.

  11. Lisa, this just rips my heart out. I hate to make you the example, but when people ask me soooooo flippantly, "why don't you just adopt" like its sooooo flippin easy, I think of you. I can't imagine a world where you don't have kids, and I don't understand why you aren't flush with a million babymamas clammering at your door. I'm thinking of you, keeping you in my prayers.

    I'd like to give you a shout out on my blog tomorrow, to remind people that this isn't the "easy" option. Would it be ok to quote you, and link back to this post?

  12. I have to say thanks to "Busted" for having a link to your blog. I just read all of your posts, and what an amazing story. You have a great voice, and know that all of us are hoping for you to get that call that truly does change your life. My heart goes out to you - you deserve so much better than what you've gone through lately.

  13. My prayers are with you and I am with Kate on the "just adopt" thing. It isn't like buying a blouse out of a catalog! Or even a dog at the pound. You sound like a wonderful lady and soon I know you will be blessed. Keep the faith lady, keep it!

  14. Lisa:

    I found you via Busted Kate. I was so touched by your post.

    Here's what I said to Kate: My parents were told they'd never have kids. They adopted two boys (my brothers) then nine years later had me. (Whoops, a surprise).

    The point is, I am so greatful every day to have parents who view raising children as a privledge and not a right. They are such loving examples because they never asked us to be extensions of themselves, or wanted to live vicariously though our us; they just wanted to parent us, to raise us to be good, happy people.

    Lisa, your future child, or children, will reap this benefit too. And when she or he grows up, they will realize what a beautiful gift it is.

    Please believe me, it will be worth the wait - for her (or him) and for you.

  15. I agree with Busted's post -- it's so frustrating to hear, "Why don't you just adopt?" As if that is as easy as making a phone call and writing a check! And BAM, you have a baby! It irritates me beyond belief when people make statements like this. I realize they are trying to help, but geesh.

    I've also fantasized about giving up. DH and I are 2 years into TTC, which, I realize is nowhere near the journey some have faced. But there are times when I just wonder, "Could we be happy with cats? We could travel all the time and never feel this heartache again." But then I feel like I would always wonder "What if." Not an easy road either way, huh?

    Sending hugs and prayers your way!

  16. Found you via "Busted Kate" as well and felt inclined to at least leave a short note to let you know that your post was both lovely and heartbreaking. I hope your receive your phone call very soon!

  17. I am also over from Kate's blog and I wish you all the best. I hope you get that one phone call you are waiting and deserving!