Not in a "Gee, I miss sleeping all night" kind of way. In a "I don't know what the hell is wrong with my baby and I am scared to death" kind of way.
Yes, the sleep deprivation is hard. I know right now some of you are rolling your eyes and saying you would give anything to be able to lose sleep because you are taking care of a baby. I get it. I really do. But, serious sleep deprivation over days and weeks gets really bad. You start to realize your brain isn't working the way it should. I had moments where I realized I did something but had no memory of doing it.
But, it's not really the sleep deprivation that is the worst part. It's being scared because you don't know what's wrong. You have gone down the list of possible things and your baby is still crying. And it goes on for hours. For weeks he would cry from about 9PM to 6AM and anytime we figured out something that would stop the crying, it would only be temporary. It makes you feel awful. You know he's in pain but there is nothing you can do.
But, anytime I sent out a tweet saying anything about it or mentioned it on my blog, I could feel the infertile community hating me. (Everyone was nothing but supportive, it was all in my head.)
I waited so long that it was my job to just shut up and be grateful. I shouldn't complain. Everything should be perfect all the time. (For the record, I would not trade a single sleep deprived second with Jayden for anything else in the world.)
I swore I would never write a post apologizing to everyone still waiting to start their family. I know a lot of people do, but I felt like I paid my dues and if I still didn't have a baby after everything I have been through, then that would be more depressing than anything. If I was just starting out in the IF world and saw someone like me waiting and waiting for over 7 years, it would depress me. On the other hand, it would give me hope to see someone finally start their family after all this time. After all, if a girl with no uterus can start her family, anyone can, right?
But, alas, I do feel guilty. I love all of you so much that it breaks my heart that so many of you are struggling.
I am a forever infertile.
So, I am sorry if my new baby posts upset any of you. I really am. And I am sorry if me talking about colic makes you want to hit me.
In case you were wondering though, he is doing so much better. We switched his formula AGAIN and it seems to be working. It's such a huge relief. Not because I am finally getting some sleep, but because he is happier and healthier. Just look at that video in my previous post. His smiles say it all.