Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Forever Infertile

Colic sucks.

Not in a "Gee, I miss sleeping all night" kind of way. In a "I don't know what the hell is wrong with my baby and I am scared to death" kind of way.

Yes, the sleep deprivation is hard. I know right now some of you are rolling your eyes and saying you would give anything to be able to lose sleep because you are taking care of a baby. I get it. I really do. But, serious sleep deprivation over days and weeks gets really bad. You start to realize your brain isn't working the way it should. I had moments where I realized I did something but had no memory of doing it.

But, it's not really the sleep deprivation that is the worst part. It's being scared because you don't know what's wrong. You have gone down the list of possible things and your baby is still crying. And it goes on for hours. For weeks he would cry from about 9PM to 6AM and anytime we figured out something that would stop the crying, it would only be temporary. It makes you feel awful. You know he's in pain but there is nothing you can do.

But, anytime I sent out a tweet saying anything about it or mentioned it on my blog, I could feel the infertile community hating me. (Everyone was nothing but supportive, it was all in my head.)

I waited so long that it was my job to just shut up and be grateful. I shouldn't complain. Everything should be perfect all the time. (For the record, I would not trade a single sleep deprived second with Jayden for anything else in the world.)

I swore I would never write a post apologizing to everyone still waiting to start their family. I know a lot of people do, but I felt like I paid my dues and if I still didn't have a baby after everything I have been through, then that would be more depressing than anything. If I was just starting out in the IF world and saw someone like me waiting and waiting for over 7 years, it would depress me. On the other hand, it would give me hope to see someone finally start their family after all this time. After all, if a girl with no uterus can start her family, anyone can, right?

But, alas, I do feel guilty. I love all of you so much that it breaks my heart that so many of you are struggling.

I am a forever infertile.

So, I am sorry if my new baby posts upset any of you. I really am. And I am sorry if me talking about colic makes you want to hit me.

In case you were wondering though, he is doing so much better. We switched his formula AGAIN and it seems to be working. It's such a huge relief. Not because I am finally getting some sleep, but because he is happier and healthier. Just look at that video in my previous post. His smiles say it all.


  1. You have no reason to feel guilty, Lisa. You have pain your infertile dues - more than your fair share, that's for sure. And now that you finally have your family, your little Jayden, you don't have to apologize for complaining, or sharing the difficult things that are going on in your life. I don't understand, I've never been there, but I will never think that just because you're exhausted, that things are hard, that you don't want to be a mother. And that you don't forget your infertility battle.

    That unsupportiveness that you're hearing in your head - is only in your head. We all love you, admire you, and want to support you! So stop apologizing, and tell us what it really is like! If I'm going to pay all this time, money and emotions to finally get my baby, then I need to know what I'm signing up for - ok? :)

  2. You have "paid" your infertility dues, not pain! But actually - it was pretty painful too...

  3. a) you have never talked about sleepless nights in an ungrateful whining way.
    b) not sleeping for an extended period of time is TOUGH. You do NOT need to apologize for it
    c) feelign like a lost parent is also tough.

    Wish I could help, but just know you should NOT feel guilty for expressing any sort of frustration over the colic. It's gone on a while. It's concerning for you I'm sure, and it can't help anyone in the house that no one is sleeping.

    I'm sorry and really hope this stage passes soon.

    I know you love your baby. And I know you wanted him so very badly. Expressing some frustration over not sleeping is nothing to apologize for.


  4. Sorry that little Jayden is having problems with colic. I am just sleep deprived and think tha tis hard enough, I cannot imagine colic on top of it. {{HUGS}}

    And I completely relate to being "forever infertile". I still struggle with survivor's guilt and I waited 12 years before we had our little girl.

  5. I'm a new reader, so no comments on the fertility issues. My baby has had horrible reflux issues ("colic") and we have had good results from Prevacid and Zantac. Talk to your doctor?

    Check the diaper when he poos, I found blood streaks in my baby's diaper and it turned out that she's allergic to milk proteins. We have her on an elemental formula now which is helping a lot.

    Also, if you haven't already, watch "The Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD. It has some great soothing techniques that help with colicky babies (usually).

    Hang in there!

  6. yes, sleep deprivation can really take a toll, i can imagine the constant crying and colickyness and not knowing how to help your little guy would be very draining.

    glad you things are looking up

  7. Oh Lisa don't apologize. Even though we have been waiting 7 years too and just entered the adoption wait, I don't mind reading your latest posts.

    Taking care of a baby isn't an easy task, especially if he is dealing with colic. And I can imagine how scary it would be to have your baby cry and not be able to ease his pain.

    I love your blog because you are honest and you bring hope to those of us who are still waiting.I read your blog more than ever now because you are a new mom and I honestly want to see how you are coping, because when my time comes and I'm up all night with a colicky baby, I'll need someone to talk to.

    Hang in there, sweetie.

  8. Thank you so much for the love. Wow. You are all amazing. He really is doing so much better. We tried different formulas, mylicon drops, colic-ease...we've finally got a good combination of things that work. He's sleeping longer at night, crying less in general and seems so happy. :)

  9. girl - we would NEVER hate you!!! I love you and little Jayden. I am glad the new formula works so he is happier and healthier {i think it's fabulous too you are finally getting some sleep}. I have lots of friends with colicky babies and they have told me how draining it is AND THEY AREN'T WORKING like you! Girl you are a rockstar. love you.

  10. Crying babies are so scary because, lik you said you don't know what's wrong and how to fix it. Just having you there to provide comfort helps more that we give ourselves credit for!!

    Even the most unhappy of babies have mommies who look back with fondness on that difficult time. Suddenly the collic will be gone and he'll be saying "Mommy, I need juice," Whaaaat?!

  11. He is so stinkin' cute! I can' even stand it! :-) I hate so much what IF does to us - it even takes away our ability to participate in normal parenting gripes and woes without feeling guilty about it. Colic stinks and it doesn't matter if you are a parent who got pregnant on the first try or a parent who waited eons to wrap your arms around your baby - it still stinks. Share and lament away!

  12. Dear Lisa,
    I'm still and infertile and I always say what's on my mind. So when I say that you are fine and NOBODY is angry with you for posting about your baby, you can believe me!!!! As for me, I am not jealous or angry with people who had struggled with infertility and finally reached the end of the IF road. It gives me hope and makes me happy. I like to be part of their lives by reading their blogs (just like Busted Kate's). When people get pregoo "without trying" is that upsets me (it shouldn't tho.. but it does).I think everyone should struggle with pregnancy and then everyone would me more compassionate towards each other.... what a crazy idea, huh? I just heard myself saying this and I wanna slap myself in the face for it :)
    well anyways, I LOVE LOVE LOVE watching pictures of litte J and I LOVE that you adopted him bc it makes me happier about the adoption.. I mean I never even wanted to think about adoption before cuz it scared me.... but now seeing your story with a happy end (or a happy beginning) it actually makes me excited to think about this outcome. so THANK you so much for blogging and NEVER apologize for what you feel or think.If you are exhausted we understand.... and we can appreciate out full night sleeps more :)

  13. It's like survivors guilt. It's always kind of there too. I think it just proves you're human.

  14. Oh sweetie. I've never ever felt resentful. Not even once. Every time I think about you and J, I smile. I know how long you've waited and how much you've been through. And, regardless, being a new mom is tough stuff! And, IMHO, everyone's allowed to complain. I don't intend to smile through it all, just because it was hard to get there. Yes, sometimes new-mom-compaining gets to the point where I get sensitive, as an infertile, but not with you. Colic is real. Sleep deprivation is real, and I'm here to listen. I'm sure people who aren't ready to listen have/can/should unsubscribe. We can't make all of these transitions together.

    Keep writing.

  15. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN! Being a parent to a colicky baby is the hardest thing in the world. But I know what you mean. I remember my friend complainng about her two kids when we were waiting to adopt and I freaked out on her. Now I kind of get it.

  16. Colic is hard. My first son cried from 7pm to 2 am every night. Seems like the only thing that relieved him was riding in the car, which I had to be awake to do but at least he wasn't crying! It started to be less time and then even skipped some nights and by about 3 months old it went away. Thankfully, he was my only colicky baby. I have great empathy for the parents going through it.

    Don't feel guilty for writing about the ups and downs of parenting. I have had people say to me "well, you adopted the child so you asked for it" type of things. Huh, in the meantime they feel free to complain about their own challenges because their kids are bios. It makes no sense to me. Parenting has its very difficult times and you should feel free to share.

  17. We've had a long adoption process too (and are still waiting) but you should never feel guilty for posting about what's happening in your life and with your family. I'd much rather read your blog about Jayden and life with your baby than hear about more pregnancies. :)

    Enjoy this time with your new family and don't worry about the rest of us. Hugs!!

  18. You are allowed to be a concerned first time mommy <3 Please don't ever feel guilty about what you post-you are amazing and have been such a support to so many of us. I, for one, will always be here to support you <3

  19. You have NOTHING to feel bad about. I enjoy every single Jayden post. Keep 'em coming!