Monday, March 21, 2011

I'm Going To Be An Aunt (And The Whole Bag of Emotions That Comes With That)

My sister is pregnant.

It's funny how long I have prepared myself for this moment. I was once blindsided with my cousin's pregnancy when she was 18. I remember we were at the zoo by the otter exhibit when my mom told me. Maybe hoping I would not have a breakdown since we were in public. It felt like a punch in the stomach. Ever since then I promised myself I would be more mentally prepared for those pregnancy announcements. I knew my sister or brother (well, SIL) being pregnant would be the hardest ones. I tried to toughen up and prepare for those.

When my sister called to tell me, I knew exactly what it was from the first sentence. It was the conversation I had been preparing for for years. My brain was telling me to think rationally and say and do the things we had practiced. To hold in tears until after hanging up the phone. I was actually giving myself a pep talk in my own head before she even really gave her anouncement.

Now let me be clear here....I am not sad about her being pregnant. I am happy for her. I am excited I will be an Aunt for the first time.

So why was I fighting tears?

Because pregnancy announcements are (and always will be) HARD when you are an infertile.

I have gotten good at blocking out pregnancy details from other people. But, I genuinely care about my sister and the baby, so I won't be blocking out details. I will hear them all. Every ultrasound, when the baby starts kicking (I can't even type that without a heavy sigh), when she learns the gender, as she gets bigger, as she prepares for the birth. I will know about it all.

Maybe part of why it will be hard is that I am the older sister. I am 4 1/2 years older than my sister and 5 1/2 years older than my brother. I always went through things first. I am good at the big sister role. But, now my sister will be doing something I have never done. Something I never will do. Something I can't even imagine doing. It's like she has this magical power. Her body can do magic. While mine is broken. Permanently broken.

I already told my mom that the first person who says something like, "This will be your first biological grandchild." will get a punch from me. My mom made it clear the first (verbal) punch would be from her! I know she means it too. There has never been a question that my mom loves Jayden. He is only 6 months old and they already have a special bond with each other separate from me. They both light up when they see each other.

I think it's great Jayden will have a cousin close to his age to play with. (When I finally convince my sister to move back to this state!)

I've already sent her boxes of clothes Jayden has grown out of.

This is all good news.

But of course that infertility monster never goes away. He ruins everything, doesn't he?

26 comments:

  1. I'm so happy to hear you are going to be an aunt, but so sad that this good news also brings up some hard feelings. Plus, if anyone would even think that yet dare to say that to your mom would deserve much more than a punch!!! Hugs!

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  2. Damn infertility and all of the tough feelings it brings. I know that you are so happy for your sister (because you've told me so!), but I also know the pain that any pregnancy announcement brings. No matter who it is, no matter how much time has passed, and no matter how many babies we end up with, it's always going to hurt. I love you, and I'm thinking of you.

    xo

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  3. I also believe that IF teaches us extraordinary empathy, compassion, patience, and gratitude. We feel strongly and deeply and do not take things for granted. It sucks, to be sure, and it stings when we compare ourselves to the fertile set who seemingly get & stay pregnant as if on cue, but the depth of the struggle with infertility fills us with deeper emotion and connectedness to who we are.
    http://itiswhatitisorisit.net/

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  4. (*hugs*) Of course you're happy for her, but you're right it never does go away does it? I can't imagine, even after I have a child (if I have a child) ever feeling the same way about things as I did before. I can't even imagine now how some people can do this so effortlessly, that it just happens, that no unexpected kinks work their way in and ruin things... I like they way you described it. Like it's something magical. Very well put.

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  5. I hate the infertility monster. Big time. I think this is one of the hardest things about IF. Every time we hear someone else's good news, even if we are thrilled to death for them, we hurt. We are reminded of our losses and short comings. And we have to mourn our own situation again and again. I've found that being around the PG person, though I don't have a sister, is not as hard as I think it will be. I'm sure you'll have pangs along the way, but I know how strong you and and how much you and your sister love each other. I think it's really healthy for you to acknowledge these feelings, too.

    Congratulations, Auntie!

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  6. That little green googley eyed monster does sneak attacks. Jerk.

    I think it's wonderful that Jayden is going to have a close cousin. Mea and my niece are a year apart, and they are best buds. Hopefully you are persuasive in getting them to move! :)

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  7. Yeah, those pregnancy announcement phone calls are always hard. I'm an only child, so it's my cousins (3 of them) who have beat me to pregnancy--oh yeah and my new stepsister too. I'm older than all of them, except my stepsis. I'm always happy for them (well, most of them), but still sad for me. Totally normal for us infertiles, unfortunately. as for the first bio grandchild issue--now that I'm finally pregnant, I'm terrified that someone will say that to our parents, even though we gave them a grandchild thru adoption almost 2 years ago. The funny thing is since we used donor eggs, that still wouldn't be true for my parents, but they don't know that... Anyway, you are doing a great job of focusing on the positive. It will be great for Jayden to have a cousin who's close in age. And I know you will be there for your sister in every way you can. But if you sometimes need a break from all the preggo talk, that's ok too!

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  8. First congrats on becoming an Auntie!
    Second, IF feelings are something you manage from day to day. Some days are ok, and some days not so much. You've come through so much and are an amzing mommy!

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  9. Yeah, the feelings don't go away, we just have our ways of dealing with it.

    My youngest brother is close in age to several cousins and they are all pretty close even though they live 2000 milees apart. It'll be fun for Jayden and you guys....eventually!

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  10. Yep, the feelings never go away. I find myself giving an internal eye-roll to people I preceive to be blissfully fertile. I realize that I might look like one from the outside right now, but I couldn't be further from that if I tried.

    Totally. get. it.

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  11. Congratulations to your sister, but I'm sorry it's bringing you some sadness. My situation is a little different, but I do know what you mean...even though I never wanted or tried to be pregnant, I feel a pang of jealousy sometimes when I hear about people getting married and getting pregnant and living such a "normal" life...

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  12. It never goes away, does it? Congrats on being an aunt! I know this has to be so hard to hear - sending you a hug!!! I love your mom's comment...

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  13. Stupid infertility monster. I Hope no one makes a comment about bio grandchildren. Yuck.

    I have been reading your blog for a long time now, but I am finally starting on the road of adoption. My paperwork is in, and the home visit is 4/2/11. I've been reading over some of your entries, thank you so much for keeping this space!

    Jess

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  14. My younger sister is giving birth in less than two weeks, so I totally get the mixed bag of emotions. I don't know what it will be like for you, but I'm always able to chat with her about the pregnancy and feel happy and quasi-normal about it all... but only while I'm talking to her. The in-between times get in my head though, and I spend a lot of mental energy dreading her updates and feeling offended that relatives aren't as understanding as I wish they'd be. ("How dare they ask her for belly shots on Facebook!" ran through my head yesterday - I'm not proud.) Hugs to you. You'll get through it and be the coolest aunt ever!

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  15. Hi, I found your blog through ICLW and I wanted to say I can empathize and was fighting back tears of my own as I read your post. Although our stories are very different it reminded me of each time my own baby sister announced her pregnancies. Congratulations on becoming an auntie, remember to be gentle with yourself.

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  16. I appreciate you writing this post honestly because most people (fertiles anyway) believe that once you adopt all those feelings go away. They don't and while we IFers know that, people who don't understand don't know that.

    -hugs-

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  17. He sure does. I remember the sting I felt when my SIL became pregnant. Still, to this day, it hurts. Damn infertility.

    *hugs*

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  18. He is always the monster on our back. I am always so happy for my friends (I'm an only child) when they get preggers, but the first thought to run through my head is always "why not me?!" It sucks and you are so strong to prepare yourself for it mentally.

    We love you and Jayden! I'm glad to see your Mom has your back. I can't express how happy I am that Jayden came into your life!

    *hugs*

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  19. Pregnancy announcements are SO SO hard. No matter who they're from and how happy you are for them. They hurt. Each one is a blow and I don't think it'll ever get easier. I'm sorry, but I know you're going to be the best aunt ever. That is one lucky baby!!!

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  20. So farking hard :( When Theo was a year old, we were all out at a cottage, and he and Mark were napping, and my SIL was also out of the room. I was in the kitchen with my niece and nephew, my brother, my mom and my dad. My mom says, isn't this interesting: Everyone in here is biologically related. SERIOUSLY?!! WTF? WHO CARES?!!

    On the upside, your mom sounds super awesome.

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  21. Lots of hugs your way! Not being able to carry a child in your belly leaves a very tangible, painful void. I'm glad that at least Jayden was there this time around for the announcement to smile, charm, and love some of the tears away.

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  22. Only the IF community understands how these announcements are so exciting yet such a punch in the gut...congrats on becoming an aunt. Happy ICLW!

    -Lavonne @ *Our Wish*

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  23. I think that is the crappiest part of IF....it never leaves :( I think you delving into your sisters pregnancy is tough, but shows how much you love her.

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  24. Ahhh! Oh my goodness! You're going to be a great aunt! I really looked up to you as a kid and I'm sure you're niece/nephew is going to as well. And a cousin for Jayden to grow and play with...how awesome is that going to be?!

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  25. It sounds like you handled this beautifully. It must have been hard for your sister too, i can only imagine.

    Jayden btw is one handsome little guy!

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  26. It's funny how we all prepare for these types of things. But they still sting. I love that part about your mom verbally punching someone if they said anything about a "biological" grandchild. Lol...I could see my mom doing the same thing. It sounds like you handled it well. =)

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