Cold Turkey

My laptop and phone both broke within 24 hours of each other and I lost all my contact with the outside world. It took almost a week to get my laptop back and a couple days to get a phone. I don't have internet on my phone so even once I got that back, it was only text messages and Twitter via text message.

I always see posts from people about how nice it is to unplug for a few days and get away from all social media. For me it was more like going cold turkey off heavy drugs. Not pretty. I am a very social person and being home all day with no co-workers and no adults to talk is really hard. I love talking to Jayden, but I also need adult conversations. Even aside from social media, you don't realize how much you use the internet until you don't have it. It made me crazy to not be able to look anything up!

I've been trying to catch up ever since. I promise I will post Jayden's birthday party pictures in my next post.

Oh, and I almost forgot-- We got our tax money! Finally!! Hooray for paying bills!!! :) :)

Update Post :)

My new Etsy business is doing well and is the reason we survived financially over the summer. I now also have one school-ager and two toddlers that I am watching.

The school-ager is the same one who has been coming for 5 years. He comes at 5:45 in the morning and gets on the bus at my house. Adjusting to the early morning hours again after summer has been rough. I just hope Jay keeps sleeping in like he has been.

The toddlers are new. And me watching toddlers is a new thing. I've been doing school-agers for about 10 years. First at a center and now at home. Before that I worked with 3 and 4 year olds for a while, but that was a long time ago.

It's only mornings, which is good because it's so exhausting. Three toddlers at once is a lot. (Most days, just Jayden alone is a lot, haha.)  Just when I think I've got things with them under control we'll have the kind of day where one gets stung by a bee while another one pees in the toy closet. Things can get out of hand fast when there are three tiny humans you can't really reason with who are at all times close to total meltdown and tantrum mode.


Jayden cried a lot the first week. It was a bigger adjustment for him than I expected. The biggest thing that sets him off is the other kids using the potty and he can't. He's done it a few times months ago, but he really isn't ready for potty training. So he freaks out every time they go. I thought at first it was because they were using his potty seat, but I've come to realize it's really the hand washing. He wants to go in and wash his hands too. And of course brush his teeth too while he's at it.

He can't reach the sink, even with a stool, but that doesn't stop him.

  

He jumped up on it after one of the other boys- with his clothes still on.

I think in the long run this will be a good thing for all three boys. It's just taking me some time to get used to it. And for every tough moment there are plenty of moments of toddler cuteness and laughter. I am hoping soon we can start adding in some arts and crafts stuff. I'm sure that will be a real adventure :)

WE STILL DO NOT HAVE OUR TAX MONEY. Yes, that deserved all caps. It blows my mind. I took the advice I received from many of you and contacted our local congressperson. They were wonderful and helped us a lot. Even got us to the point where we have signed the paperwork to have our money released to us. But, for some unknown reason, WE ARE STILL WAITING!! All they need to do is deposit the money into our account and it's been weeks. We check every single day hoping it will be there. Our forbearance on our student loans ran out this month because we assumed we'd have our tax money by now.  We just keep saying any day now and try to get by. We've been doing that for months.

Jayden is TWO! Can you believe it? We had a Sesame Street birthday party last weekend and I can't wait to show you pictures. That will be my next post :)

I'll show you this one for now:

So Much To Celebrate

With my recent financial troubles I thought long and hard about other ways I could bring money in. As I started making things for Jayden's birthday party, I decided to start an Etsy shop and list the things I made. I figured there isn't much risk in that. Either they sell and I make more for Jayden's party or they don't sell and at least I tried and I still have them to use for Jayden. 

I decided to call my shop So Much To Celebrate because I thought back to the teasing I got about how much time I put into Jayden's first birthday. We were not only celebrating his first birthday but also his adoption finalization and I kept saying "We have so much to celebrate!" every time someone commented about how much work I was putting into the party. To me it wasn't just a first birthday party. Even now as I prepare for Jayden's second birthday, it feels like so much more to me.

As I got going with setting up the shop, I thought of other ideas and spent a lot of time making things and putting up new listings. The work paid off and things have been going pretty well. I wanted to share with you some of the things I have made.

 

If you are interested, here is the link to my shop: www.etsy.com/shop/SoMuchToCelebrate

And if you wouldn't mind giving me some support and liking my Facebook page, the link is: http://www.facebook.com/SoMuchToCelebrate

Thank You :)

A Day At The Farm

I took Jayden to a farm last week and he loved it! 

As we were getting ready to go, I was telling him about  all the animals we would see. He said "Peek A Boo Barn?" (It's an app he likes to play on my Nook.) Yes, this is a real life Peek A Boo Barn, haha.

 He found more animals under the platform.

 Baby goat.

 Pretending to eat like the goat.

 He had to look in each shed to make sure he was not missing any animals.

 Feeding sheep.

 Petting sheep.

 Playing with sheep.

 Free range Jayden.

 Climbing a tractor.

 He went down the big slide!

 Just two buddies having a conversation.

He heard a mom say that two year olds are too little to go up this and I think he took it as a personal challenge because he went right over and started climbing.

He had the best time. We'll definitely have to go again and bring Adam next time.

My Appointment Is Tomorrow

I am in bad place.

My first gynecologist appointment since my surgery two years ago is tomorrow morning.

I have been cancelling and putting it off and now I have to go.

Waves of anxiety have come over me tonight and I feel like I can't breathe every time I think of walking into that office. 

I've obviously never liked these appointments, but this level of fear and anxiety is not normal. It's extreme.

I feel like nobody could possibly understand because clearly I am a crazy person having such an extreme reaction to an appointment.

I do not want to walk into the office. I do not want to sit with a room of pregnant ladies. I do not want to pee in a cup. I do not want to be weighed. I do not want to talk about why I have not come in for all this time. I do not want to talk about cancer. I do not want to spread my legs. I do not want a giant light shining on me and making me feel vulnerable. I do not want to be touched.

It all feels like a huge violation.

Just typing this is causing tears to stream down my face. I am not looking forward to crying in front of others tomorrow.

I used to go to these appointments because the end goal was a baby and I would do anything for that. So I endured whatever they threw my way. It was all okay because I was going to get a baby in the end.

Now I have to face all of this head on. All these feelings I've been pushing down for so long.

What do they even do at a lady doctor appointment when you have no lady parts??

I don't want to find out.

And please don't tell me to go so I can be healthy for Jayden. I get that it comes from a kind place, but really it just makes me feel bad for not being a better mom and going before. And makes me feel bad for feeling this way. And I know some people think this should all be okay because I have Jayden. It's not okay. Nothing about this okay. This really is not about Jayden. It's about me.

I know I have to go. I will. Adam is taking me.

But I just needed to reach out there into the blogging world and say I am not okay.

I have reached my lifetime limit of doctor appointments and I don't want to do this anymore. I am broken.

**********

Update:

It's over and I survived. Definitely an emotional day. I just need to wait 7-10 for test results making sure I am still cancer free. The doctor is not worried. Thank you for all the love. I read your comments before my appointment and they meant so much to me. Thank you.

The IRS Is Trying To Kill Me

That title sounds like I should be wearing a tin foil hat talking about how the government is coming to get me.

Really they're coming at me in a much more subtle way. They're trying to exhaust me from this process.

As I've said before, we filed our taxes in early February. The absolute earliest time we could after getting all the paper work needed. There were delays and resubmitting of all our paperwork, but we thought it was finally over in June. We were expecting our money by June 26th.

Instead of our money we got a letter going over the money we were getting and there was a major mistake in it.

We tried calling the number they gave, but they basically told us we had to write a letter saying everything we said on the phone. Why?

So Adam wrote a letter and even included a basic math problem explaining it. We faxed it immediately. We called to be sure they received our fax. They said they were reviewing it.

Okay, so anyday now we would get our money.

We checked our account daily.

Hmmm.

Where is the money?

We called again.

They said, "We're still reviewing it but you will either have your money released to you or be asked for more information within 30 days of the time we received your letter."

Okay, good. We know they didn't need any new information (I joked that I would send a vial of blood if they needed) so we finally had a solid date we would have our money. July 22nd.

Then yesterday I received a letter saying they're still reviewing our letter and we will have an answer by September 5.

WHAT?!?!

Tears immediately started rolling down my face. I've been juggling our finances for months and there is nothing left to juggle. We need that money now. Our savings account is empty, we've gone deeper into debt, and our checking doesn't have enough to pay the bills. That's it. Game over. We need the money.

I called the number they gave and a guy who couldn't have cared less about me said they're reading mail from May so it will be weeks before my letter is even read. I didn't even know what to say to that. It really didn't make sense.

I said that the disputed amount is tiny compared to the amount they've already said they owe us so I asked if I could just have the undisputed amount. He said that could be done in cases of financial hardship. Okay, great, that's us. Give me my money. He said we would have to talk to a taxpayer advocate and he gave me the number.

I had heard about tax payer advocates but was hoping this would not come to that.

I call them and the lady was awful to me. She said they are very busy and unless my house is about to go into foreclosure and my utilities are being shut off, they won't help me. I tried to talk to her about our situation and she got mean and said they can't help. I was crying and she was yelling at me. Perfect.

I'm going to start paying all my bills with a letter saying I'm reviewing their request for the money I owe them and I'll let them soon whether I need more information or I will release money to them.

Other fun things going on: 

The inspection on my car is up and I know a lot needs to be fixed.

6 more days until my appointment. 

Jayden is working on two year molars and nobody in this house has slept in days.

After all that complaining, I'll leave you with two cute pictures:

Jay running on the beach on Friday.

Jay playing with his cars yesterday morning.

And a cute story:

We have a book that we read to Jay a lot. Last night rather than let us read it, he insisted on being the one to read it to us. It was mostly signing with some words mixed in, but he "read" the whole book to us. I was dying. He even acted out the parts we do. It was so funny and so cute.