I know I am in the middle of my staying positive and writing about children's books series....
but, I am sad today.
I made the mistake of going on the message boards for our adoption agency.
There are so many new people. One post after another of more new people introducing themselves.
I can't help but feel left behind. They are finding babies for all these new people...what about me?? I'm still here waiting!
Luckily there was someone else who has been waiting two years that wrote something in the middle of all the new people posts. She mentioned that around the 18 month wait time that her heart sunk to a new level and she lost a lot of hope. That hit home with me because January 26th will be 18 months of waiting for us. I figured it was a combination of the holidays and my surgery recovery that was making me feel so sad about the wait, but it was nice to hear someone else say this new waiting milestone is a hard one. Especially when combined with all the years of trying to conceive before that.
Another person wrote about making changes to your profile if you have been waiting a long time. Everytime the topic of changing your profile comes up, I have this awful feeling of shame and guilt. Like there is something horribly wrong with me that makes expectant mothers not want to choose me when they see our profile. I made some changes to it at the one year mark and I don't really see a point in paying to make changes again until the copies they have run out. When I made my profile, I was really proud of it. I thought someone would choose us for sure. I will be a stay at home mom, I have worked with children my whole life, our hobbies and things we enjoy doing are all children friendly things. I worked hard on a nursery for the baby and I am already in love with that baby, even if the baby is imaginary at this point. But, all those nice and positive things have turned into feelings of embarrassment and shame. I now hate our profile. I keep it hidden away so I don't have to think about it.
I know logically that it is a matter of the expectant mother finding something in the profile that she connects with and that you really have no idea what that thing will end up being. It seems to often be something very random that is impossible to predict. But, all of that is contained in the logical side of my brain. I am not using the logical side today. I am covered in a heavy blanket of sadness today.
We have only been profiled twice since July. I am really hoping things pick up soon. Last year it was January-April that we were profiled the most. I was actually hopeful during that time. I need to have hope again.