Monday, January 11, 2010

Giving Myself Permission To Be Sad Today

I know I am in the middle of my staying positive and writing about children's books series....

but, I am sad today.

I made the mistake of going on the message boards for our adoption agency.

There are so many new people. One post after another of more new people introducing themselves.

I can't help but feel left behind. They are finding babies for all these new people...what about me?? I'm still here waiting!

Luckily there was someone else who has been waiting two years that wrote something in the middle of all the new people posts. She mentioned that around the 18 month wait time that her heart sunk to a new level and she lost a lot of hope. That hit home with me because January 26th will be 18 months of waiting for us. I figured it was a combination of the holidays and my surgery recovery that was making me feel so sad about the wait, but it was nice to hear someone else say this new waiting milestone is a hard one. Especially when combined with all the years of trying to conceive before that.

Another person wrote about making changes to your profile if you have been waiting a long time. Everytime the topic of changing your profile comes up, I have this awful feeling of shame and guilt. Like there is something horribly wrong with me that makes expectant mothers not want to choose me when they see our profile. I made some changes to it at the one year mark and I don't really see a point in paying to make changes again until the copies they have run out. When I made my profile, I was really proud of it. I thought someone would choose us for sure. I will be a stay at home mom, I have worked with children my whole life, our hobbies and things we enjoy doing are all children friendly things. I worked hard on a nursery for the baby and I am already in love with that baby, even if the baby is imaginary at this point. But, all those nice and positive things have turned into feelings of embarrassment and shame. I now hate our profile. I keep it hidden away so I don't have to think about it.

I know logically that it is a matter of the expectant mother finding something in the profile that she connects with and that you really have no idea what that thing will end up being. It seems to often be something very random that is impossible to predict. But, all of that is contained in the logical side of my brain. I am not using the logical side today. I am covered in a heavy blanket of sadness today.

We have only been profiled twice since July. I am really hoping things pick up soon. Last year it was January-April that we were profiled the most. I was actually hopeful during that time. I need to have hope again.


  1. I'm a big believer in just being sad when you're sad, instead of trying to put on a happy face...

    I remember going to an adoption conference when I first started out and someone talking about how domestic programs worked...she said she knew one birth mother who chose a family because they had a golden retriever, she had always wanted one as a child and wanted her child to grow up with's just so unpredictable!

  2. Your profile sounds beautiful, even though I know you're not a big fan of it right now. I'm sorry you're feeling sad but I truly believe it's ok to feel sad sometimes and to honor those feelings. I am so sorry you have had to endure so much heartache and waiting on your journey to mommyhood, but I know with complete certainty that you will be an incredible mother and a birth family is bound to see that too. Very soon I hope. *hugs*

  3. I completely agree with Liz in being said when you're sad. One day, hopefully very soon, y'all will be parents to a child that is meant for y'all <3

  4. you are a beautiful woman, and one day soon there will be someone out there who looks at your profile, and thinks that it is perfect, that you are who you are, and with that a perfect mother. I know words wont help right now, but have faith in yourself and your profile, have faith in who you are, and the mother you will one day be...
    Cry as you need to and know that we all care for you deeply, we pray for you everyday, and i know it wont help, but i believe that God will bless you soon...
    Thinking of you
    Chasing a Miracle

  5. Waiting to adopt is not fun, whether you wait long or short. I told you on Twitter I would be happy to help you anyway I can. I used to do speaking engagements on Networking and would help people who were with our agency. Your profile sounds nice. You never know what a young woman who is looking to place a child for adoption is looking for, they are all different. You really should talk to the director of the agency about your wait time and how many times your profile has been viewed. You can also ask if there has been any positive or negative feedback given on your profile as well.

    Thinking of you! Kim

  6. Lisa
    I felt the same way when I read about new waiting families or that the agency was holding yet another information session during our wait. It just felt so unfair that they were accepting new couples while we waited and wait. The wait just plain sucks and its true that you just never know what a BM will see that makes the connection. It could be something that is already in your profile that you don't even think is special. Hang in there!