Every once in a while, there will be a situation that fits our grids perfectly and there are no risks or anything to worry about so they will profile us without calling first. That has only happened a couple times. Most of the time, we will get a phone call from our agency and they will go over all the details of the situation with me. They give you a chance to grab a pen and paper and write down all the information. Depending on the risks, sometimes I know I can say yes right away after hearing it all, and sometimes I need to call Adam and then get back to them.
Yesterday I got a call from the agency about a case with a lot of risks. There was one risk in particular that scared me. I told them immediately that out of the long list of risks, that one thing in particular scared me and I would need time to think about it and talk it over with Adam. In our 19 months of waiting (Today makes 19 months that we have been home-study ready and waiting) we have never said no to being profiled.
They said we only have an hour to think it over before they need an answer. I e-mailed the details to Adam at work and he immediately wrote back no. Which he has done before, but I have talked him into it. But this time a little voice inside me was telling me I needed to say no. No matter how desperate I am after a 19 month wait. No matter how heart broken I am after being told just the day before that we were not chosen by another expectant mother. No matter how much I thought about how it's a baby girl due next month. I just had to say no.
It felt devestating to me to make that phone call. To pass up any opportunity.
I almost didn't write about this, but I am writing about our journey to parenthood through domestic adoption and this is a part of the journey. Making the tough decisions. This is not an easy process.
I know it was the right decision for us, but I am sad about it.