The Roller Coaster

The same thing happens everytime I am profiled. The same exact roller coaster of emotions. You would think I would be able to recognize this cycle and make changes.

First I get the call. I obsess over the details. I write every single thing they say down on a piece of a paper. I call Adam and talk about it, I do internet research, I talk to my mom, I talk to friends. I think, think, think....overthink everything. I worry about the risks. I worry about the money.

Then by that night, I am full of hope and excitement. And no matter how serious the risks are, I am completely done worrying about them. All I am thinking about by that point is how much I want that baby. I am so happy about the possibility.

Then a few days go by and I start to tell myself that if we were chosen, we would have heard by now. I start preparing myself for the disappointment. Even if it's based on nothing reasonable. I still convince myself we weren't chosen. I guess it's my way of protecting myself. I feel a knot in my stomach everytime the phone rings.

I need to find a way to get off this roller coaster ride.

I was hoping we would hear something yesterday. I was so emotional last night because we didn't. My friend who already adopted from our agency talked me off the ledge. She reminded me it takes time for an expectant mother to make her decision.

It's hard to wait over the weekend, but I am trying to relax and remind myself to be patient and stay hopeful.