Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I Am Not An Adoption Expert

I don't write about adoption a lot. The biggest reason for that is that I am not an expert. March will make three years since we started the adoption process, but I am still a rookie. I am in no position to be teaching others about adoption.

We are fortunate that we worked with an agency that put an emphasis on education. We had five weeks of classes where things like how to decide which situations to be profiled for, risk factors and special needs, transracial adoption, and open adoption were all covered. We had many opportunities to talk to adult adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive families of all kinds. We were also responsible for getting just as many credits outside of the classroom by reading books, watching videos, going out in to the community, taking online classes, etc.

Even after we were homestudy approved, I spent my two year wait reading and learning. A few blogs that I learned a lot from are Production, Not Reproduction, See Theo Run, and Inventing My Life. Following all the links Liz (Inventing My Life) provides to other blogs and articles is an excellent way to educate yourself.

But, I still consider myself a rookie who has a lot to learn.

One thing I know is that as a rookie, I need to know when to keep my mouth shut and listen. I need to spend this time learning from others. I have so much to learn from birth mothers, adult adoptees, and adoptive mothers who have been parenting longer than I have. When I go out in public, the only comments I get are how cute Jayden is. I don't really know what's it's like to live as a transracial adoptive family. My experiences in open adoption are also extremely limited and I can't get enough of other people's blogs about their beautiful, sometimes complicated, open adoptions. I want to spread the word about open adoption, but all I can do is point you in the direction of people who have stories to tell.

So, when I come across blogs written by people who have absolutely no experience in the adoption world, but write as if they are teaching people, it burns me up inside. Especially when they include a bunch of strung together stereotypes and myths about adoption.

Lately I have been seeing posts about IVF vs. adoption popping up. I don't know when they came into competition with each other, but there are some hurtful posts out there. With some scary and false information about adoption.

I have absolutely nothing against people choosing to do IVF. In fact, the timing of this is funny because I happen to have multiple friends doing IVF either this month or next. I am happy/scared/excited/hopeful for all of them. I am a huge cheerleader for their IVF cycles. One of them is my cousin, whose mother passed away in the middle of her first IVF cycle. She has been saving up for a year to try it again. I think of them everyday and hope, hope, hope it results in a miracle baby.

The thing I have a problem with is bashing adoption in order to justify your decision to do IVF. It's really not necessary.

So, despite being hesitant to write about adoption, I am going to do it in my next post when I address some of the comments that have been made about adoption.

21 comments:

  1. Kudos to you, Lisa! I am so happy to see someone standing up to these stereotypes. I hesitated writing a post about this because I'm DEFINITELY an adoption rookie, but something needs to be said in response to these posts. I admire the people who are capable of going through IVF. It takes an incredibly strong woman to go through such an intense procedure. However, while I've chosen adoption, I don't feel the need to - in the process of promoting my choice - bash IVF in the process. There are negatives to both, and I'm sick and tired of all the negatives being pinned on adoption. I wish all of us could just agree that every choice isn't best for every person and leave it at that. It shouldn't be one versus the other. It should be whichever choice is best for you and your family.

    I can't wait to read your next post!

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  2. No matter what there is always someone to bash what anyone has to say. Try not to let it bother you to much.

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  3. Thank you for being so open. I think it's easy for someone like me who is in the beginning stages of the adoption process to view someone like you as an adoption "expert" because you were sucessful. I can only imagine that it could add on a whole lot of extra pressure for you as a new mom to an adopted baby. Thanks you for bringing this topic up.

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  4. I am really looking forward to your post!

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  5. Reading your perspective on adoption would be great!

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  6. Thanks for the mention. Reality is all I really know is my own experience and what I've read from others. The Internet is a wild, untamed place full of every kind of perspective under the sun. Sometimes, I just stop reading. I'm not necessarily strong not to take things personally. And I know you here this a lot but Jayden is SO CUTE!

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  7. I don't think that it's an either/or process. Adoption is the best choice for some people, while IVF may be the best choice for others. There is no guarantee with either - except that you will spend a lot of money. For us IVF was the route that we chose and we were fortunate that we were successful. I admire those who have the patience to go through the adoption process.

    I don't pretend to be an expert in IVF just because I've gone through it. I can talk about my own experiences and that's about it.

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  8. it's funny how bloggers (sometimes) write like experts. instead of "something that worked for me" it's "what works best". most of the time I chalk it up to people who talk like know-it-alls in real life probably write like know-it-alls on the web (and I say this with love because my husband is the KING of talking like a know-it-all.)

    fortunately there is a balance, because there are plenty of writers out there who just talk about their life and their experience and what they know.

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  9. BRAVO for writing this & putting this out there! I could not agree with you more.

    Like Katie said you have to do what is best for you & your family. That does not give you the right to bash others if they feel differently!!

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  10. I do not at all see it as a competition between ART OR adoption so much as a choice dependent on so many factors. For those footing the bill for either, they can likely only afford to do one or the other and how awful to have that forced choice to make.

    However, one thing I know for sure during my 5 year struggle with infertility (and success) and my now pursuit of domestic adoption as we try to build our family is that every person has their own journey and they come to decisions in their own time. Some folks bypass ART altogether preferring adoption over medication. Some folks commit to one IVF and then move on. Still others need to attempt a donor egg cycle. Some never do move on and decide to be child-free.

    I think that each of us is an expert in our own lives and when we speak from that place, sharing what we know and what we've learned, there can be great discourse.

    http://itiswhatitisorisit.net/

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  11. I can't wait to hear your perspectives - you're always so insightful!

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  12. Despite the amount of time I waste at work surfing the net, I have no idea what posts you are referring to so I am VERY interested to read your next post.
    I gave IVF the old college try (4x actually) but when we walked away from 9 frozen embies, a lot of bloggy friends just could not understand WHY. I can answer it easily though - because it was right for us at the time. I see it from both sides of the coin but I do feel frustration when these two options to becoming a parent are pitted against each other.

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  13. Your brave and I love it!! Your journey to parethood is your journey!! Im proud to follow you on twitter!!! :) <3 (Stephers0515)

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  14. All families are formed differently. None of them are wrong as long as there is love and understanding. End of story.

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  15. Family is family no matter how it comes into the big picture. I think there are no wrong choices because everyone has a choice that is right for them. I applaud your post and agree that there is ALWAYS much to learn - no matter if you're a rookie or a pro.

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  16. I'm happy that you found my Weekly Reading Lists useful, that was definitely my goal! I think one of the best ways to learn something is to admit that you are a beginner at it...and a close second is to try to teach it to someone else! I really look forward to reading more about adoption from your perspective, and I'm stunned that there are blogs out there bashing it as you describe.

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  17. Amen, sister! I am looking forward to your post.

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  18. I don't understand how/why they could justify bashing one or the other. Everyone's life is different, and what's right for everyone else is different. Sorry to hear about these comments, and well said.

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  19. Looking forward to your next post!

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  20. This is great, Lisa! I love everything you write - every picture you post. I await your next post! :-)

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  21. Great post, as is the one you wrote after this one. I cannot stand when people make IVF/adoption a competition. Of course i've gotten the other end mostly_"why don't you just adopt?" "You're STILL doing IVF even though you have your niece and nephew???" I wish that people would just understand that the choices we make are just that-OUR choices.

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