Long holiday weekends have been the hardest part of our wait.
They are a huge reminder of what we don't have.
Families are out having picnics, going on camping trips, having pool parties, and all sorts of other fun family things. It feels so lonely to sit at home not doing anything while you know everyone else is having fun spending time with their family. It is also a reminder of how much I hate that my sister and brother live so far away.
My Mom came over yesterday morning to help me with our garden and she mentioned that there is going to be a big family reunion this summer. I got teary just thinking about having to go to that reunion childless.
Then as the day went on yesterday, I got more and more upset about it. We haven't all been together in years. I can't go to it childless. I just can't do it. Parties like this are big check-ins where we are all supposed to share what has happened with us since we last got together.
I have nothing. The only thing that has changed is that I'm missing organs. Oh, and I gained weight. Maybe we can talk about how fat I am.
We have been trying to start a family for seven years and everybody knows it.
Everybody will be talking about their kids and their awesome lives and then they will ask Adam and I how work is. Nobody will bring the adoption up. That's the big thing I have noticed in the last year. Once you have been waiting a long time, people stop bringing your adoption up. Like it's this shameful thing they don't want to remind you of.
I had a complete breakdown about this last night and pretty much cried myself to sleep.
I feel no better today. Adam is on his way to my parents' house right now to watch a movie with my Dad. I really didn't want to go over. I am hot, sad, and grumpy.
The family reunion is July 17th. It's not going to be a happy time in my life. We will be in the middle of renewing our homestudy AGAIN.
Please...if there is any justice in the world...can our baby find his/her way to us soon? I have tried being patient. I have tried being zen. I have even tried being thankful for the things our long wait has taught us. But, seriously, I don't know how much more I can take. Haven't I waited long enough?
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Great Night in our Adoption Journey
I am really glad we went to the hair care class last night.
When we got there, I recognized the head of the agency and was completely caught off guard by her being there. She came right up to us, introduced herself to us, and said she wasn't sure if we have ever met before, but she recognized us as soon as we came in because she was looking at our profile earlier that day. My head was swimming with questions, but all I managed to do was say hello and that we had never met before, but I recognized her from pictures.
We sat down with everyone else and watched as the cutest little kids came in. As more and more mothers and babies came in, I started to get tears in my eyes that I could not stop. It was completely out of nowhere. Sometimes I am fine. I can spend a whole day around babies and be perfectly fine. Then other times I can see a baby and BAM, tears come. I went to the bathroom to talk myself out of being the crazy person crying in class.
Only at an adoption event can you go into the bathroom with tears in your eyes and end up getting a long hug from a complete stranger. She got it. She knew. She told me she just brought her baby home in March and she promised me it's worth the long wait. She told me my baby just hasn't been born yet.
The class was interesting and overwhelming at the same time. A lot of it was geared towards parents who have been working with African American hair for years now. They even went around and gave individual advice to parents and children. It was all new to me and I was trying to soak in as much information as I could. This is a class we will definitely be attending every year.
Watching Adam concentrate so hard on how they were doing one of the little girl's hair made me fall even more in love with him. He was so cute watching so carefully, trying not to miss anything.
One thing that was great about this class was that it was just as much about a community of people getting together as it was about the hair care information. It was great for the kids to run around together and the parents to talk.
The biggest thing I learned was the importance of finding a good salon that is willing to work with you and teach you things. Every person's hair is different and the advice varies for each child. I really loved the speakers at the class. I wish we lived close enough to go to their salon. I gave them my name and phone number and they are going to find a good local salon for us. They gave us free samples of products made by Enjoy.
Once the class broke up into smaller groups, I saw an opportunity to speak with the director of the agency. I asked her about why she had been looking at our profile. She said there was an expectant mother who was looking for a couple without cats. She said we fit everything the expectant mother was looking for, but when she looked through our profile and saw we have cats she knew she couldn't send our profile along.
Then I did something very brave. I asked her what she thought of our profile in general. I had heard from other people that she can be brutally honest when it comes to giving profile advice so I was very nervous. To my surprise, she said she really likes our profile. She even admitted she is brutally honest with people when they ask about their profiles. She said sometimes people don't want to hear it, but she always says it. She said we are what a lot of expectant mothers are looking for and we have a good profile. I said we have been waiting for 22 months. She admitted that is a long time, but she said sometimes that just happens. Sometimes couples end up waiting a very long time for no real reason. She said we fall into that category.
She acknowledged that there have been couples who did not successfully adopt through the agency. She said that's not us. She promised me that if we stick with it, we will adopt. It really meant a lot to receive that reassurance.
Overall, it was an amazing night and we were both so glad we went.
When we got there, I recognized the head of the agency and was completely caught off guard by her being there. She came right up to us, introduced herself to us, and said she wasn't sure if we have ever met before, but she recognized us as soon as we came in because she was looking at our profile earlier that day. My head was swimming with questions, but all I managed to do was say hello and that we had never met before, but I recognized her from pictures.
We sat down with everyone else and watched as the cutest little kids came in. As more and more mothers and babies came in, I started to get tears in my eyes that I could not stop. It was completely out of nowhere. Sometimes I am fine. I can spend a whole day around babies and be perfectly fine. Then other times I can see a baby and BAM, tears come. I went to the bathroom to talk myself out of being the crazy person crying in class.
Only at an adoption event can you go into the bathroom with tears in your eyes and end up getting a long hug from a complete stranger. She got it. She knew. She told me she just brought her baby home in March and she promised me it's worth the long wait. She told me my baby just hasn't been born yet.
The class was interesting and overwhelming at the same time. A lot of it was geared towards parents who have been working with African American hair for years now. They even went around and gave individual advice to parents and children. It was all new to me and I was trying to soak in as much information as I could. This is a class we will definitely be attending every year.
Watching Adam concentrate so hard on how they were doing one of the little girl's hair made me fall even more in love with him. He was so cute watching so carefully, trying not to miss anything.
One thing that was great about this class was that it was just as much about a community of people getting together as it was about the hair care information. It was great for the kids to run around together and the parents to talk.
The biggest thing I learned was the importance of finding a good salon that is willing to work with you and teach you things. Every person's hair is different and the advice varies for each child. I really loved the speakers at the class. I wish we lived close enough to go to their salon. I gave them my name and phone number and they are going to find a good local salon for us. They gave us free samples of products made by Enjoy.
Once the class broke up into smaller groups, I saw an opportunity to speak with the director of the agency. I asked her about why she had been looking at our profile. She said there was an expectant mother who was looking for a couple without cats. She said we fit everything the expectant mother was looking for, but when she looked through our profile and saw we have cats she knew she couldn't send our profile along.
Then I did something very brave. I asked her what she thought of our profile in general. I had heard from other people that she can be brutally honest when it comes to giving profile advice so I was very nervous. To my surprise, she said she really likes our profile. She even admitted she is brutally honest with people when they ask about their profiles. She said sometimes people don't want to hear it, but she always says it. She said we are what a lot of expectant mothers are looking for and we have a good profile. I said we have been waiting for 22 months. She admitted that is a long time, but she said sometimes that just happens. Sometimes couples end up waiting a very long time for no real reason. She said we fall into that category.
She acknowledged that there have been couples who did not successfully adopt through the agency. She said that's not us. She promised me that if we stick with it, we will adopt. It really meant a lot to receive that reassurance.
Overall, it was an amazing night and we were both so glad we went.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Hair Care Class
Tonight Adam and I are going to an African American hair care class.
The class is about an hour and a half away and it starts at 6. My Mom is coming here to watch the kids until their parents come to pick them up and Adam got someone to cover for him at work so we could leave on time. I am grateful to have an amazing Mom who is willing to come here after a long day of work so we can go. They only have the class once a year so we didn't want to miss the opportunity.
I am a little nervous to go because I get nervous going into any new situation, but I know we will learn a lot. It will also give us a chance to spend some time with other people who are waiting to adopt as well as people who already have adopted.
The class is about an hour and a half away and it starts at 6. My Mom is coming here to watch the kids until their parents come to pick them up and Adam got someone to cover for him at work so we could leave on time. I am grateful to have an amazing Mom who is willing to come here after a long day of work so we can go. They only have the class once a year so we didn't want to miss the opportunity.
I am a little nervous to go because I get nervous going into any new situation, but I know we will learn a lot. It will also give us a chance to spend some time with other people who are waiting to adopt as well as people who already have adopted.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Meatless Monday Buffalo Nuggets
It's Meatless Monday!!
If you are vegetarian and miss the taste of Buffalo wings, this is a great alternative.
I use Quorn Chik'n Nuggets.
I add Frank's Red Hot Sauce to a little bit of melted butter.
(Adjust the hot sauce/butter ratio depending on how hot you like it.)
Then pour the Red Hot mixture over the chik'n nuggets.
Add some blue cheese on top.
Cook following the nugget package directions.
Serve with celery sticks.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Letter I was Hoping to Never Receive
It came.
The letter from the adoption agency asking us to send them a huge check to start the process of renewing our homestudy again.
We send the check, then they send us the paperwork. We fill out all the paperwork, get our physicals (yikes), ask people to be our references again (so embarrassing to ask for a third time), and then when it's all done, we can make an appointment to have our social worker come for another home visit.
Getting that letter is like opening the mailbox and having someone reach out and punch you in the stomach.
I will be waiting at least another month before I send the check in. I figure I have a little time before it's absolutely necessary. Especially if I move quick on the paperwork when it comes.
I will be spending the next month hoping for a miracle.
The letter from the adoption agency asking us to send them a huge check to start the process of renewing our homestudy again.
We send the check, then they send us the paperwork. We fill out all the paperwork, get our physicals (yikes), ask people to be our references again (so embarrassing to ask for a third time), and then when it's all done, we can make an appointment to have our social worker come for another home visit.
Getting that letter is like opening the mailbox and having someone reach out and punch you in the stomach.
I will be waiting at least another month before I send the check in. I figure I have a little time before it's absolutely necessary. Especially if I move quick on the paperwork when it comes.
I will be spending the next month hoping for a miracle.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Anniversary
Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments about my wedding pictures.
I have to admit, I have never looked fondly at my wedding pictures before. I only ever had one picture developed and that was the pinky promise photo. I still have it in an 5x7 frame on a table with a bunch of other pictures. I don't have a wedding album.
There was a lot of drama surrounding our wedding and still 7 years later when the subject of our wedding comes up, I get a knot in my stomach.
Adam's parents hated everything about our wedding. Their biggest complaint was that our ceremony was so small. We had it on a Friday night with less than 15 people there. That's how we wanted it. We were both in agreement. We are not the kind of people who would enjoy standing in front of 100 people and saying our vows into a microphone. Adam's parents kept saying it was weird and that nobody would want to come to our reception if they couldn't come to our ceremony.
They said many, many other negative things and there were ongoing fights leading up to the wedding and they did their best to have a bad time the whole weekend. You can read more about that, here.
As much as I disagree with everything they said and I am glad we did it the way we wanted, I always have a bad feeling when I think about our wedding. A feeling of shame or embarrassment. I was actually enjoying my wedding and having a good time and then found out they were actively doing things to try and ruin it. I was humiliated by that. The joke was on me. I was blindly having fun while people were mocking me. After our wedding, one person after another told me stories of things Adam's parents did. Rude and awful things. Things I didn't notice, but my guests did.
Then the next day after our wedding, they called and told us it was the worst wedding they have ever been to. Ouch. That is the kind of thing that sticks with you.
The other thing is that everytime I look at the pictures, I remember how sick I was then.
I had my first D&C surgery six months before our wedding. I needed to have polyps removed and they were getting me ready to start trying to conceive immediately after getting married. There were already clues that it was going to be complicated. I was on a lot of hormones between the surgery and the wedding. I was so sick. My Mom actually did almost all the wedding planning because I was so sick. I remember when we were supposed to be doing cake tasting, I couldn't even take a bite. I was so nauseous.
I was really pale at my wedding. I had been tanning leading up to it but still looked as white as a ghost. In fact, I looked so bad that at my sister's wedding everyone kept telling me how great I looked. That I had so much color in my face.
When it came time to choose photos to go into our adoption profile, even my Mom suggested less wedding pictures because I look sick in them. I cried my eyes out when she said that, but she was right. I look pale and puffy. Every little girl's dream, right?
So, yesterday it was nice to post wedding pictures and smile about them. Then to receive so many sweet comments was really amazing. I was actually able to look at them in a positive way.
Of course anyone who has been trying to conceive or waiting to adopt for a long time knows that holidays and anniversaries are hard. They serve as reminders of how long you have been waiting. My wedding anniversary is also my anniversary of trying to conceive.
Seven years of waiting to start our family.
But, I did okay with that this weekend. I thought about it a little, but overall it was a really great weekend. We had a lot of fun.
And since we got married Friday night and had our reception Saturday afternoon, we consider it still our anniversary so we are continuing to celebrate today. :)
Thanks again for all the love in blog comments and tweets yesterday!
I have to admit, I have never looked fondly at my wedding pictures before. I only ever had one picture developed and that was the pinky promise photo. I still have it in an 5x7 frame on a table with a bunch of other pictures. I don't have a wedding album.
There was a lot of drama surrounding our wedding and still 7 years later when the subject of our wedding comes up, I get a knot in my stomach.
Adam's parents hated everything about our wedding. Their biggest complaint was that our ceremony was so small. We had it on a Friday night with less than 15 people there. That's how we wanted it. We were both in agreement. We are not the kind of people who would enjoy standing in front of 100 people and saying our vows into a microphone. Adam's parents kept saying it was weird and that nobody would want to come to our reception if they couldn't come to our ceremony.
They said many, many other negative things and there were ongoing fights leading up to the wedding and they did their best to have a bad time the whole weekend. You can read more about that, here.
As much as I disagree with everything they said and I am glad we did it the way we wanted, I always have a bad feeling when I think about our wedding. A feeling of shame or embarrassment. I was actually enjoying my wedding and having a good time and then found out they were actively doing things to try and ruin it. I was humiliated by that. The joke was on me. I was blindly having fun while people were mocking me. After our wedding, one person after another told me stories of things Adam's parents did. Rude and awful things. Things I didn't notice, but my guests did.
Then the next day after our wedding, they called and told us it was the worst wedding they have ever been to. Ouch. That is the kind of thing that sticks with you.
The other thing is that everytime I look at the pictures, I remember how sick I was then.
I had my first D&C surgery six months before our wedding. I needed to have polyps removed and they were getting me ready to start trying to conceive immediately after getting married. There were already clues that it was going to be complicated. I was on a lot of hormones between the surgery and the wedding. I was so sick. My Mom actually did almost all the wedding planning because I was so sick. I remember when we were supposed to be doing cake tasting, I couldn't even take a bite. I was so nauseous.
I was really pale at my wedding. I had been tanning leading up to it but still looked as white as a ghost. In fact, I looked so bad that at my sister's wedding everyone kept telling me how great I looked. That I had so much color in my face.
When it came time to choose photos to go into our adoption profile, even my Mom suggested less wedding pictures because I look sick in them. I cried my eyes out when she said that, but she was right. I look pale and puffy. Every little girl's dream, right?
So, yesterday it was nice to post wedding pictures and smile about them. Then to receive so many sweet comments was really amazing. I was actually able to look at them in a positive way.
Of course anyone who has been trying to conceive or waiting to adopt for a long time knows that holidays and anniversaries are hard. They serve as reminders of how long you have been waiting. My wedding anniversary is also my anniversary of trying to conceive.
Seven years of waiting to start our family.
But, I did okay with that this weekend. I thought about it a little, but overall it was a really great weekend. We had a lot of fun.
And since we got married Friday night and had our reception Saturday afternoon, we consider it still our anniversary so we are continuing to celebrate today. :)
Thanks again for all the love in blog comments and tweets yesterday!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
7 years ago...
Small ceremony Friday night:
May 16, 2003
We said our own private vows to each other before walking down the aisle to where everyone else was.
Sealed with a pinky promise. :)
Sealed with a pinky promise. :)
The reception the next day:
Saturday, May 17, 2003
My sister and brother
My Dad
My Mom trying on Adam's coat
Finally out of that dress and into some comfy clothes!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
