Rough Day

We heard back from the adoption agency about the case we were profiled for. We were not chosen. I asked for feedback about why, but they didn't have any.

Another one of the children in my before and after school program was just diagnosed with H1N1.

I also found out today that a couple from our adoption homestudy classes just adopted their second baby. Two babies. All within the time we have been waiting for one. I really am happy for them. They are a great couple who have always been so nice to us. It is, however, hard to be reminded how long we have been waiting. There always seem to be reminders.

The good news is that I don't have any crying left in me. I got it all out this afternoon.

It's not this particular case that I am mourning the loss of. It's the idea of a baby at Christmas. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to celebrate another Christmas without a baby. When I was packing up our Christmas stuff last year, I kept saying to Adam that the next time we see all that stuff it would be with our baby. I really believed that.

This will be our 7th Christmas since we started trying to have a baby. That first Christmas, I was taking fertility meds and I was supposed to be ovulating on Christmas day. I remember driving around looking at Christmas lights with Adam and talking about how amazing it would be to get pregnant on Christmas day. Turns out I was not ovulating at all.

I love Christmas. I love seeing my family. I love all the traditions we have. I love that in 2001 Adam proposed to me on Christmas Eve.

I just don't know if I have it in me to have another Christmas without children.