Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I don't want to go. You can't make me.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow.

I am freaking out about it.

I have been bleeding for over two months straight. I know I need to go in and find out why.

But, seriously, I just don't want to deal with it. I feel like there should be a pause button on my uterus. I am not using it right now. Can't I just put it on pause until I want to try again to get pregnant? My focus has been completely on adoption. No fertility worries. Apparently, my uterus did not get the memo.

The appointment tomorrow will bring me right out of my adoption frame of mind and put me back into the fertility hell. I am really scared. I don't want to find out what strange thing is wrong this time. Or even worse, have them tell me they have no idea why it's happening.

I am so uncomfortable with these appointments. I know nobody is comfortable there, but I get really freaked out about it. It's so awkward and embarrassing. And as soon as I walk into the office, it brings me right back to all the times I have left there crying because I was given bad news or I was in pain from another procedure or biopsy.

I really, really don't want to go. I feel like a two year old on the verge of a major meltdown. Can't I just kick my feet and stomp and yell and refuse to go?


  1. Kick and stomp and yell all you want, and THEN go to the doctor! Seriously, I don't think anything good can come from ignoring something like want to be well and strong and not worried about anything when you get that phone call about a baby!

  2. Permission to kick and yell and have a meltdown all you want....but then definitely go.
    I completely relate to how you are feeling. I do/feel the same way each time I have to go. It's almost like you walk in the door and want to bolt immediately to the nearest exit. But, bleeding for this long is not good. I say this from experience and I am sure you know just as well.
    I am so sad you are having to deal with this again. I really hope it's nothing major and that things will get straightened out. Like Liz said, you want to be well and strong when you get The Call! :)
    Keep us posted...