Exhausted

This past week has been exhausting.

A week ago right now I was anxious about getting my pathology results from the doctor because I knew she would be calling the next day.

Monday night I got the call that changed everything.

On Tuesday I got a call from the oncologist's office to go over my appointment details. I began working on getting a surgery date around Christmas time so I could recover with taking as little time off from work as possible.

Wednesday I got my surgery date. December 21. It became real.

Thursday and Friday I had to tell all the parents of the children I work with.

I've been sick all weekend. Which came as no surprise to me. That's what happens when you spend the whole week freaking out and not sleeping.

I have my oncologist appointment on Friday. Adam already took off from work and we are leaving as soon as I get the kids on the bus in the morning. I am really scared of everything they are going to tell me. All the details. It's going to be a huge reality check. I have about 100 questions for the oncologist, but they are all questions I don't think I really want to know the answer to. I want so badly to run away and hide, but I obviously know I need to go to this appointment.

I need to start calming down and sleeping. I don't really have much experience in calm. It sounds nice. I have a lifetime of experience in anxiety and worry. I have spent my whole life worrying about everything. Most of the time I was worrying about things that didn't even really matter. Now I have something that really matters to worry about. And I have to try and be calm?