Permanent

A hysterectomy is permanent.

I know this is obvious, but the reality of this hit me hard today.

I got my surgery date. December 21. Which is ideal. I only have this date because an awesome oncology nurse pulled some strings for me. I talked to her about my work situation. I explained to her that I needed to give the parents notice so they could find other care for their children and that it would really help them if I could close over Christmas time. More of them have time off and have family that have time off so arrangements could be made. It also helps me because my family will be around to help take care of me after my surgery. So, I was really excited about the date I got.

Then it hit me that I was celebrating my hysterectomy surgery.

It also hit me (and hit me hard) that this is really happening. I can't get out of it. I have no choice. In 19 days they are taking my uterus no matter how I feel about it. No matter what I say. No matter how much it is breaking my heart.

This is permanent. I can never change this once it's done.

I will never be pregnant. Ever. Nothing I do or say in the future will change that. I can't try some new injectable medication that works amazing and is perfect for me. I will never try IVF. I will never in my whole life take a pregnancy test.

My husband is 6' 6" and I am 5' 11" and people have always joked about how tall our children will be. I will never know. My husband will never know. We will never know what that little blend of the two of us would look like. We will never look at our children and see each other. His eyes or my hair.

This is permanent. This will change my life forever. This is a major change from how I always pictured what my life would be.

Everything feels like it's happening so fast and it's all out of my control.