What If I Miss Christmas?

I wish my family all lived in the same city.

(I would even settle for state...or time zone.)

My sister and her husband live in Boston, MA. My brother and his wife live in Portland, Oregon.

It is obviously very rare for us all to be together, but we always at least have Christmas. That is why I love Christmas so much. We have so much fun together.

All of a sudden tonight it hit me that Christmas will be nothing like years in the past. I am going to miss so much. My one chance to be with my family and I am going to be drugged up and stuck here unable to leave my house.

When the first Nintendo came out, my dad bought it for us for Christmas and we played it the entire Christmas break. Since then, my dad has bought us video games for Christmas many times and we have great memories of staying up all night playing. Last year he bought a Wii. This year I bought a Wii game that is a newer version of a game we used to love to play. Fun idea, right? Well, that was before I knew there was no chance of me going over to my parents' house for late night Wii playing this year. It will have to happen without me.

I am going to miss so much.

I am now worrying that my decision to have surgery right before Christmas was a mistake.

All the realities of this diagnosis have been hitting me in waves all week. Like it was so huge that I can only comprehend it over time in little bits. I hope it ends soon because it's exhausting.