Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Random Thoughts

I have had many thoughts in my head the last few days, but haven't been able to put them together to write a blog post since last Friday.

I was going to write about Mother's Day, but there really aren't words for how hard it is to still be childless on Mother's Day...all these years later. Honestly I spent a lot of time on Facebook that day. It was like watching a train wreck. All the sappy status updates from mom friends writing about how their children are the greatest thing in the world and their life wasn't worth living before their children. I could not stop reading it all.

Luckily my Mom is awesome and instead of some corny Mother's Day brunch we had a belated cinco de mayo party Saturday night. Tacos, margaritas, and no mention of who is or isn't a mother.

Our new profile books are made and mailed. It took trips to three different places to find the kind of books we need. Oh, remember how I was mad at Adam because he wanted me to go with him to buy the books because he was afraid he would get the wrong ones? Well, I made him go alone anyway and he got the wrong ones. I had to return them and get new ones. Lesson learned.

Making the books was a total hassle and I really hope that is the last time we have to do that.

I missed Meatless Monday this week because we went to see Pearl Jam Monday night. I ate a peanut butter and banana sandwich in the car on the way there. At the stadium they were charging $4 for a pretzel and Adam said he would rather starve than pay those prices so he didn't get anything.

I woke up this morning with a huge amount of anxiety. I have a problem with anxiety. I used to take meds for it. I am now pretty good at talking myself through it. Part of what I do is make a list in my head of every single thing that is bothering me. Everything that could be contributing to what I am feeling. Then I think about the worst case scenerio for each thing. Then I come up with a plan if that were to happen. I know it is weird that thinking about the worst things that could happen calms me. But, once I know I have a way to deal with everything, I can relax.

The biggest thing freaking me out right now is that we keep getting closer and closer to when our homestudy expires. I am not ready to really think about that. My worst case scenerio for that whole situation ends in us never getting a baby. (Things would have to go really wrong.) So, that's not one I like to think through too much. For now I am just telling myself it can happen any day now.

We are having a little party at our house Saturday night so it's helping me to have that to look forward to. I am hoping the weather is okay so we can have a fire in the backyard and make S'mores. I already bought a lot of chocolate. So, rain or shine, we are having S'mores... even if I have to make them in the toaster oven.

It's 10 PM and I have a pile of laundry on the bed bigger than me, so I better go take care of it so we have a place to sleep tonight. I feel better after blogging. Maybe my anxiety attack this morning came from not blogging since last week. Maybe I need this more than I realized.


  1. Yea. Mother's Day must be brutal on your end. It's even hard for me a bit even thought I'm finally a mom. I will never lord it over people. Ever. That said, when you are successful and have little person in your lives, you have every right to LORD IT OVER EVERYONE! Like the anxiety advice. I'm a big sufferer of that as well (no meds either).

  2. Thanks for sharing what's going on with you. The anxiety stuff is really hard. I'm glad you've found something that works for you in working through it.

    Enjoy those S'mores - they sound fabulous!

  3. I do the same thing to help with my anxiety. Except I have to write out the list b/c I get so afraid I'll forget something if it's not written down. And then I usually clean something to help clear my mind.

    Mmmmm Smores! That sounds awesome!

  4. Hi... I made it a point to ignore Facebook and any other social networking and basically socializing at all on Mother's Day. I decided I will not spend another Mother's Day feeling like I was being stabbed every time I read about someone else's joys of motherhood. But, of course, I was on there a little and a little was too much!

    Anyway, I wanted to thank you for sharing your experience on my blog and wish you luck with your adoption! I'm keeping you in my thoughts!