Friday, June 11, 2010

Nebraska

While I was standing out at the bus stop waiting for the kids to get off the bus, my cell phone rang. It was the adoption agency calling to tell me we did not get chosen for the Nebraska baby.

I asked why and got the same old line about how the expectant mother just connected with another family.

She told me not to get discouraged. Really?

Discouraged doesn't even begin to describe it.

I had to fight back tears in front of my neighbors and then get a bunch of kids off the bus and somehow manage to still not cry. When all I want to do is die right now.

The kids are eating snack and I am in the next room typing my feelings in hopes that it stops me from having a complete breakdown. It's not really working.

I still have to call Adam at work and tell him. I am putting it off because I don't know how I will hold it together after that.

If I had a regular job, I would leave right now and go home. I have absolutely no idea how I am supposed to go play with other people's children now.

18 comments:

  1. Oh Lisa...I am so very sorry about this!

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  2. I am so sorry you are going through this. Are there other adoption agencies you could list with? I really hope things work out SOON, because two years is too long to wait.

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  3. Wow, there are just no words. Sorry doesn't seem to be enough. This agency doesm't seem to be very caring about you or your emotions through all this. "Don't get discouraged"?? How is that even possible for someone in your position? *hugs*

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  4. Oh, Lisa, I am so so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.

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  5. SHIT. Lisa, I am so sorry. This is unfair. It's just not right. Can you switch agencies? I mean, these people just seem like they are completely insensitive.

    My heart aches so much for you. Please, please let me know if you need anything.

    xoxo

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  6. Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and Adam right now. (((((HUGS)))))

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  7. Ugh. I am so sorry. "Don't get discouraged" doesn't seem like the appropriate thing for the agency to say.

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  8. This is so incredibly frustrating to witness- I can only imagine how horrendously difficult it is to actually go through it.

    Lisa, I'm so sorry. But even on the days where it feels impossible to go on, please know that we're all here for you and will always be here to help pick up the pieces. I know that your child is out there somewhere, and once they're finally in your arms you'll be able to move on from all this heart ache... And man, I hope that's real soon.

    Hugs.

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  9. $#%(@#*%@&!@#$(!@&!*#(@*#!&(!#%$&*!#*$(@#!(@&*&%$#($%*@)#($!)(@#_)!(@#_@#%#%*@)#$*!(@*#$(!@*%$@(%*$()#$

    I just picked up my stapler and threw it against the wall.

    Lisa, there are no words. I'm so sorry.

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  10. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. I am so sorry to hear about this. I know you wanted it so badly. All I can say is this wasn't meant to be and the perfect child is out there waiting for you, but I know that doesn't help right now. I'm so very sorry. You are in my prayers dear!

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  11. I am speechless. I am so sorry. (Hugs)

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  12. Lisa,
    I read your comment to Katie at "from IF to When" about acupuncture. I was glad to find a fellow gal who wasn't a fan of acupuncture. I too had the worst time laying still and really hated the emptiness and quiet of the room. It made me feel so sad and empty, and I cried after I left each appt. Even worse the acupuncturist made me feel like it was my fault that I was "out of balance" and the reason why we weren't getting pregnant. Lo and Behold we later found our that My Lover doesn't make any sperm, so all the acupuncture in the world wouldn't have helped us get pregnant. Anyways, I had to stop by and say hi!

    You are a great writer, and I look forward to reading more.

    It sounds like you are traversing a thick fog at the moment. You will make it back to the sun, and until then, I will hold some hope for you. hang in there.

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  13. I am so very sorry to hear this horrible news. I was praying for you that one of these babies would be your child. Your agency contact needs to take a sensitivity class apparently. Does she not realize how hurtful & frustrating that hearing horrible news over and over can be? I think that other infertile women, or those that have experienced infertility at some point should be the only women allowed to work in an adoption agency. Well, *hugs* to you. Again I am sorry for your horrible loss.

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