On Friday when we got the call about Nebraska, I felt all hope being ripped from me. It felt like a giant rubber stamp hit me in the forehead and labeled me "hopeless." I mean how many rejections can you experience before you just stop believing it will ever be a yes?
I am trying to find a silver lining in it all. Not having to drive so far away and pay all the extra out of state costs... but really it just sucks. And it hurts so bad. I spent the entire weekend grieving. I barely even tweeted, which is a sure sign of some serious depression. Saturday morning I forced myself out of bed to go out in the world and be a normal person, but it felt like I was walking around with this heavy blanket of sadness over me. I didn't leave the house again the rest of the weekend.
My Mom thinks I will feel better if I accept the fact that we have to renew and just do it. She is probably right. I'm going to hold out two more weeks for the miracle and then give in. Before we can send the check in, we need to talk to the bank about taking out another loan. I can't believe it has come to this. The extra fees that come with having a long wait have finally forced us into another adoption loan. I am hoping they agree to lend us more money or else we are in big trouble. I don't think the bank wants to witness the meltdown that will happen if they say no to us.
It's Meatless Monday.
We had leftover white rice from our depressing Chinese dinner Friday night (whenever we find out we are not chosen for a profiling, we order Chinese food) so we are having this:
I scrambled some eggs, added the rice, and then a can of peas.
Ugh. I hate adoption costs. Keep your head up. Miracles happen at the oddest times.
ReplyDeleteSending you all the love I possibly can through this little comment box. Love you to pieces. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDelete*hugs* to you. I'm so sorry about the fees. That is one thing that I'm not looking forward to if/when we decied to adopt. I hope the bank gives you that loan. *more hugs*
ReplyDelete*HUGE HUGS* I am so very solrry Lisa.. :( We are all here for you sweetie.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I love visiting your site because I get to visit the beautiful little Hope nestled in between two hearts. It anchors your post and feels so secure. You sound like a strong woman, and I am sure that this Hope will be waiting for you again, when you are ready for it. Until then, I support your wallowing. -Foxy
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a wonderful job of hanging in there, Lisa. I know it probably doesn't feel that way, but you are SO strong. I am always thinking of you and praying your stork arrives soon.
ReplyDeletexo
Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry that the Nebraska baby didn't happen for you :( I have been away from twitter and blogs all weekend. *huge hugs*...we are here for you and I have my fingers crossed and tons of prayers going out that the perfect baby is heading your way...hopefully before you have to renew....xoxo
ReplyDeleteSending you a virtual hug. I think this process would be so much easier if we had an idea of how long it would take. At least it would be for me. Keeping my fingers crossed that you get the bank stuff squared away without too much of a hassle.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
All i can send are virtual hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt's true. Sometimes you just have to reach your darkest hour. It's just the way it happens. I always think about your guys (even though we've never met) and send all my positive thoughts. *hug*
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog. I am so sorry your journey to adoption is being so hard. Hope your day comes soon.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping you in my prayers. It is shameful just how much adoption costs. When we were going through adoption we had to put just about every cent we could into a savings account because we "never knew" when it would be needed. I have a friend who has been fortunate enough to be able to adopt 2 times. (same birth mom, different fathers) However, after fertility treatments and then 2 adoptions they are in massive debt. However, like all of us who have "been there done that" we know that though you can't place a dollar amount on being a parent, there comes a time when you just can't afford it any longer. My sister is going through that now. Her profile is "out there" and she has not been chosen yet. She and her husband don't know where they are going to get the money to renew all their paperwork if they are not chosen soon. Sorry to ramble, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteChristy
Oh, Lisa. I'm so sorry you've been through the wringer. Abiding with you while you hurt and grieve and recover.
ReplyDeleteHi! New reader here, and fellow infertile, and fellow adoptive-mommy-to-be. I can COMPLETELY relate to what you are feeling. I'm so sorry for all the bad news. It's so heartbreaking. People try to understand, but they usually fail miserably.
ReplyDeletePlease know you're not going through this alone! We are also just past the two-year mark. I'm here if you need a friend. :) You WILL be a mommy sooner than later, that I'm sure of!